Chapter Twelve

Rose was sitting on the sofa relaxing, curled up in a blue blanket while she watched a film on the telly. She was nestled into the side of the sofa and had a small pillow tucked behind her shoulders. She was sipping a cup of tea while she watched her film. The Doctor peeked in to see what she was doing.

"Ooo, cozy blanket and tea time again. Splendid," he said before sticking his head back out the doorway.

He reappeared ten minutes later encased in a black blanket with a mug of tea and a magazine. He was wearing his reading glasses and Rose smiled and patted the seat beside her. The Doctor beamed and settled down beside her, taking a sip of tea while he opened his magazine. They enjoyed a comfortable silence, Rose watching her film and the Doctor reading his magazine. The Doctor was reading a science magazine, more to pass the time than anything since he knew far more about the articles than the writers did.

As the Doctor read an article on cold fusion research, he became aware of what was going on during the film, especially because a couple of women were suddenly screaming at one another with shrill voices.

"Bitch!" one of the women shrieked. "How dare you sleep with my boyfriend, you slut!"

The Doctor sipped his tea as he turned his attention to the film. Two women were standing in front of a large brick house screaming at each other, slinging insults back and forth.

"What is this?" the Doctor said, lowering his mug.

"Some film I found," Rose said, shrugging. "I think it's called Cherry Lane or something like that."

"They're having a row," the Doctor said.

Rose chuckled.

"They had one earlier. They hate each other," she said.

The Doctor grimaced when the women began slapping each other as hard as they could, screaming bitch and slut at the top of their lungs.

"And you enjoy films like this?" the Doctor said to her.

Rose shrugged.

"Nothing else on," she said.

"Nothing else on? The TARDIS picks up programming from all over the universe and you find a film where two women slap fight each other?"

Rose giggled and shrugged again.

"Do you mind if I change the channel for a mo? I need to check something," the Doctor said.

"No, go ahead," Rose said.

The Doctor thanked her. He picked up the remote from the coffee table and inputted a channel using the keypad. Rose sipped her tea, watching while the Doctor found a TV channel where an enormous white fur ball was dressed in a brown suit, white shirt and brown tie. He was sitting behind a desk, his huge fluffy white paws resting on it.

"And in today's headlines," the furry alien was saying in a slightly aristocratic English accent. "Plutonians are up in arms today over the realization that Earth has downgraded them from a planet to a dwarf planet. Protests are being planned all over Pluto today as millions take to the streets in anger."

"Huh? That was years ago that they did that," Rose said to the Doctor.

"Yes. And it's taken them years to find out," the Doctor said. "Pluto is a long, long way away from the Earth, you know."

"Why do they care what Earth thinks of them?" Rose said.

"Pluto is very small, it's has the biggest inferiority complex in the solar system. I believe they're taking offense against the whole "dwarf" thing."

"Whatever," Rose muttered while the Doctor chuckled. "So this is what you wanted to see?"

"No, I have a lottery ticket," the Doctor said, showing her a tiny slip of paper with numbers written on it. "Lotto is next, I think."

The newsreader continued speaking, telling viewers about a gigantic snowstorm on the dark side of the planet. Rose stared at the alien, trying to find its eyes and mouth but all she could see was a mass of shaggy fur covering its face.

"How does it see?" she asked the Doctor.

"Probably the same way sheepdogs see," the Doctor said. "Dunno, never asked one. Oh! Here we are!" he said when the news ended.

Rose was shocked when the somber newsroom was suddenly replaced by blinking lights and sirens as a blue skinned female alien jumped up and down and yelled that it was time for Neptunian Lotto! The alien had three eyes. Two of the eyes were on long stalks on the sides of her head and the other was on her head directly above a pair of nostrils. She had a lipless mouth and a long slender body, long arms, small hands and slender fingers. She was dressed in a sparkly white gown that a human would wear when going out for a night on the town.

"IS EVERYONE READY FOR LOTTO?" the woman shrieked as she jumped up and down.

"YES!" the Doctor yelled at the TV.

The women took a microphone from someone off screen and stopped jumping around.

"Alright!" she said in a breathless but energized voice. "Welcome to Neptunian Lotto. I'm Fak'sha Dion and this week's prize is…a banana plantation on planet Earth!"

"Whoo-hoo!" the Doctor said, pumping his fist in the air.

"A banana plantation?" Rose said, amused.

"Yes. Normally I don't play this lotto but a banana plantation is too good to pass up."

"And how will you run it?" Rose said.

"You'll run it for me."

"I doubt that," Rose said.

"So…before we get started," Fak'sha said. "I want to bring on my co-host. He's from the seventh moon of Nion, which is a long way, ya'll, so give him some love. Please welcome Gandarm Flek!"

"Ya'll?" Rose said to the Doctor.

"She's from the Neptunian south, the deep south," the Doctor said. "She's been trained in proper Neptunian elocution but occasionally her accent slips."

"Mm," Rose said, not really caring.

She watched while a jet black lizard that resembled the thing from Alien came into camera range. Rose had to smile when she noticed he was wearing a tiny white bow tie and nothing else. His serpentine tail flicked back and forth behind him as he accepted a microphone from someone out of camera range.

"That's right, Fak'sha, it's lotto time!" the alien said with a deep, raspy voice.

"What happens if you lose, does the Alien alien eat you?" Rose said, pointing to him.

"Oh now, he's a nice chap, I've met him before," the Doctor said.

A smaller Neptunian wheeled in a large Perspex lotto barrel that was filled with slips of paper and left.

"Alright, here's all the slips that ya'll have sent in," Fak'sha said, pointing to the barrel. "Gandarm, will you do the honors?"

"Certainly," Gandarm said.

He turned a crank on the side of the barrel and the entire thing spun around while the slips of paper slid around inside. He stopped after thirty seconds and Fak'sha opened a small door on the top of the barrel and reached inside with her free hand while the Doctor held his slip of paper up to his face, eager to win.

"Okay," Fak'sha said, after pulling out a single slip of paper and closing the door, "I have in my hand the winning lotto! Can you just feel the excitement starting to build now, ya'll?"

"Come on, let me win!" the Doctor said while Rose chuckled and snuggled closer to him so she could see the numbers on his slip of paper.

"You know at this very moment, Pluto is protesting," Rose said to them.

"Bugger the Plutonians, they're all a bunch of furry wankers, I want my plantation!"

Rose giggled and laid her head on his shoulder.

"Okay, we're gonna call the numbers off this slip of paper," Fak'sha said.

There was a dramatic pause.

"After a word from our sponsor, ya'll, so stay tuned."

"No! I hate adverts!" the Doctor said when they cut to a commercial.

He sat in a sullen silence while Rose put her arm around him and watched the advert. Some brown blobby alien was walking along in a park while a smaller brown blobby alien followed he…she….Rose couldn't tell since it looked like a brown blob with a pair of beady black eyes.

"This is Zazoo," a male voiceover said. "Zazoo is in her declining years but she still enjoys taking her grandchild to the park. But sometimes…incontinence strikes Zazoo without warning."

Zazoo froze, her tiny eyes growing bigger with alarm as a brown puddle suddenly spread out from under her. Rose laughed as the child shrieked and quickly glided away from her.

"Yes, Zazoo suffers from the embarrassment of incontinence," the voiceover said while Rose howled with uncontrolled laughter.

"Rose, that's not very nice. Zazoo has a problem," the Doctor teased, loving Rose's glee.

"I'm sorry," Rose said, gasping for air. "But you don't think about aliens having poo problems. I mean…it looks like a pile of shite anyway so how can Zazoo tell when she's had an accident?"

"Rose," the Doctor said, teasing her gleefully, "that's not nice. She can't help the way she looks."

"But now," the voiceover said. "Zazoo wears Punt, the incontinence aid for adults."

Rose laughed when they showed Zazoo walking along with a bit white adult nappy wrapped around the underside of her body.

"And how is this not embarrassing?" Rose said to the Doctor, pointing to the screen. "I mean, you can tell she's got on a nappy now. They couldn't make it the color of her body so it blends in?"

She and the Doctor giggled hysterically at that. They were laughing so hard that Rose had to get the Doctor's attention when Fak'sha came back on the air. The Doctor silenced his laugher, although he was biting his lip to keep it in as Rose tried to keep quiet so he could hear.

"Alright, ya'll, the winning lotto numbers are…12…"

"Oo, so far, so good," the Doctor said, pointing to the 12 on his slip.


The Doctor's eyes widened when he got the second number right. Rose laid her head on his shoulder, hoping that he would win as Fak'sha announced the third number.


"Yay!" Rose said when the Doctor beamed at the 46 on his slip.


The Doctor's eyes widened when he saw the 2 on his slip. There were two numbers left now.


The Doctor's mouth opened when he saw 18 on his slip.

"I think you won, Doctor," Rose said excitedly.

"And the final number is…"

The Doctor and Rose leaned in.


The Doctor's eyes bugged out. His last number was 9 and Rose was just as shocked as he was while he just stared at the slip in his hand in disbelief.

"Doctor, I'm sorry," Rose said when realization sank in and the Doctor's face fell. "I wanted you to win badly."

"That's a load of rubbish," the Doctor said, slapping the slip of paper on his leg. "I always play these same numbers. Someone else plays them as well with one difference between us?"

Rose listened while he spewed out a stream of words that sounded like Gallifreyan obscenities to her. She hated that he was so gutted now and she wished there was a way she could make things better.

"Well, that tears it. I suppose I'll drag out the incontinence aids now and sit around and mope for the rest of my days," the Doctor said sullenly.

Rose tried not to laugh but the image of Zazoo wearing the adult nappy came back to her and she giggled. The Doctor smiled at that and sighed as he chucked the slip of paper over his shoulder.

"Eh," he said as he put his arm around her. "I lost but hey, I can go anywhere in time and space and get bananas any time I want."

"Too right," Rose said, happy that he was cheerful again.

"I just hate being off by one number. That's what I'm really angry at. I think this lotto is rigged, if you ask me. Anyway…go back to your film, Rose, and I'll make us a fresh round of tea since I think our cuppas have gone cold now."

Rose nodded. The Doctor kissed her cheek and told her he'd be right back with hot tea while Rose leaned over and grabbed the remote off the table.

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