Chapter Thirteen

"Doctor? Are you in here?" Rose said as she stepped into the console room.

She looked around but the room was deserted. Shrugging, she walked over to the jump seat and sat down to wait for him. She wondered where he was when suddenly the front door opened and the Doctor came inside and shut the door with one hand. Rose realized he was looking through a stack of envelopes in his hand as he came towards her.

"Post. You went outside for the post?" she said as he sat down beside her. "You get post?"

"Occasionally," the Doctor said, looking through his mail. "I have a specific post office that I go to and sometimes I give the address to people I'd like to keep in touch with. Unfortunately, I also get rubbish along with my letters.

He pulled out an envelope and examined it. Rose leaned in slightly and noticed the return address seemed to be from the Weetabix Corporation.

"Like this one," Ten said, showing it to her. "I requested a free sample of chocolate weetabix one time from someone and now I get adverts from them like this one."

He opened the letter and unfolded it.

"What does it say?" Rose said.

"Would you like a prize with your next sample of Weetabix Chocolate Crunch?" the Doctor read to her. "Press the button at the bottom of this letter and receive your free prize and your box of Chocolate Crunch instantly."

"Press a button?" Rose said, leaning in.

At the bottom of the letter was a small black button that was affixed to the sheet of paper.

"Wait, how does Weetabix do this whole press a button and get free things instantly thing?" Rose said to him.

"It's from the future. Weetabix stays in business for centuries," the Doctor said.

"Well, press the button then. Let's see the Weetabix and the free prize," Rose said.

"Rose, you do realize that means I'll be plagued with Weetabix adverts forever more, yeah?"

"Go ahead, you like Weetabix apparently so it won't kill ya," Rose said.

"You just want to see what the free prize is."

"And you don't?" Rose countered.

The Doctor stared at her for ten seconds and then an impish grin spread over his face and he pushed the button. Rose and the Doctor waited. At first nothing happened and then a transmat beam appeared in front of them. When it faded, there was a big box of Weetabix Chocolate Crunch and beside it, to their astonishment, was a tiny, yorkie sized, elephant. The elephant began to walk around while Rose stared at it, wide-eyed.

"Is that a…robot?" Rose said to the Doctor.

The Doctor put his post down on the seat. He stood up and knelt down beside the miniature elephant. He touched the back of the elephant and felt it.

"Feels real enough," he said to Rose while the elephant slowly walked towards him.

"Yeah but…elephants aren't that tiny, not even baby ones," Rose said.

"Well…there are a few alien cultures who specialize in growing miniature animals for pets," the Doctor said.

"So…Weetabix thought you might like a little elephant with their cereal," Rose said.

"Apparently so. Hello there," the Doctor said to the elephant as the little beast wrapped its tiny trunk around his finger. "You're cute, yes you are."

Rose got up and knelt down beside him, enchanted by the pintsized pachyderm. The elephant let go of the Doctor's hand, raised his trunk towards him and trumpted, a sound that sounded like "MEEEEEEEE!" when it came through the miniscule trunk. The Doctor chuckled at that.

"So…what should we call you then, little elephant?" he said, running his finger along the top of the elephant's head.

"You're keeping it?" Rose said, shocked.

"It's my free sample, isn't it?" the Doctor said. "I can't throw poor Snuffy out the door, can I?"

"Snuffy?" Rose said.

"Yes, I like Snuffy," the Doctor said while the elephant wrapped his trunk around his finger.

"What are you gonna do when Snuffy grows up?" Rose said.

"This is a miniature elephant, this is probably as big as Snuffy gets," the Doctor said.

"MEEEEEE!" Snuffy trumpeted.

Rose chuckled.

The Doctor picked Snuffy up and cuddled him against his chest. Suddenly, his eyes widened as he got a really good idea.

"Rose, hold our daughter for a moment, will ya?" he said.

Rose took Snuffy from him and watched while he sprinted over to the console. He zoomed around it, starting up his ship.

"Wait, where are we going?" Rose said.

"Someplace special," the Doctor said. "Hold on to Snuffy tightly!"

Rose bent down and picked up the box of cereal with one hand while she held Snuffy against her chest with the other. She put the box on the jump seat and sat down while the TARDIS took off for parts unknown.


Jackie sighed as she lay down on her sofa and picked up the remote from the floor. At the moment she was alone and on a whim, shed all her clothes except for her underwear. She pressed play on the DVD player and put the remote back down on the floor. A porno film began to play. Eventually, Jackie's hand went down into the front of her white knickers and she began to finger herself while she watched the erotic movie. She was halfway through the movie when suddenly she heard the TARDIS behind her. She shrieked with surprise and tried to get up before the door opened. But she only managed to stand up when the Doctor opened the door.

"Hey, Jack…"

The Doctor froze in mid sentence, completely stunned when he saw Jackie's near nakedness. Jackie froze and threw her hands over her breasts. Rose stepped around the still catatonic Doctor, holding Snuffy close to her and stared at her mother in shock.

"What the hell is this?" Rose said to her.

Jackie finally found her legs again and didn't reply as she sprinted into her bedroom and slammed the door. Rose caught sight of the porno and made a face while Snuffy explored Rose's cheek with her tiny trunk. Rose looked at the Doctor who was still frozen with shock. She clicked her fingers at him and the Doctor blinked as if awakening from a trance.

"Where was I? Was that a hallucination?" he said. "I swore I just saw Jackie's sagging breasts and stretch marks."

"No, Mum was…she was in her knickers watching a porn film," Rose said.

"Um…I think we need to show Snuffy to your mum another day. I'm slightly nauseous now and I think I need to plug into the TARDIS matrix and go erase the last five minutes from my memory before I'm irretrievably traumatized for the rest of this life and all lives to come. Tell her goodbye, Rose, while I go vomit."


There was no reply and Rose decided to go back into the TARDIS, figuring Jackie was probably in her bedroom plotting to kill the Doctor slowly and painfully. She held Snuffy close while she went inside the TARDIS and shut the door behind her.

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