OH MY GOD, THEY KILLED RORY, YOU BASTARD!
A/N: This is purely a crack fic. I love Rory but the man has bad luck when it comes to dying and I sincerely hope there's a reason why he keeps dying and coming back because if not, he's the most inept companion the Doctor's ever had. But this fanfic is just a lighthearted look at the many deaths and resurrections we didn't see. Pure fun and pure outrageousness because who doesn't love dead/alive Rory? This is written in conjunction with my friend, Carol, because I don't want to have all the fun. And now… Chapter One "Rory, run!" Amy screamed. Rory put on a fresh burst of speed as he ran down the catwalk. He, Amy and the Doctor had been investigating a series of bizarre murders at a factory that supplied food to Captain Cowinkle's Yum-Yum Emporium on Derilium. The three of them discovered that Cowinkle had been luring children to the factory with promises of free samples of his food. Once they were in his clutches, he murdered them, using their bodies for mince meat and their blood for blood sausage. Now, Cowinkle's guards, big, beefy buffalo faced brutes dressed in menacing black leather outfits, were pursuing them so they could grind up their bodies and turn them into sausage. Then they would take the sausage, put them with mash and send them out in prepackaged dinners. This was what Cowinkle told them before he shoved them in a locked room. Unfortunately, Cowinkle didn't know about the sonic screwdriver and before you could say toad in the hole, they were out and running towards the entrance. Now Rory had become separated from the others and was on a catwalk above a huge steel vat filled with mashed potatoes. A huge steel mixer was inside the vat, mixing up the potatoes while milk poured down from a tube high above it. One of the guards was chasing him while he fired a blaster at him. Rory gasped when a blaster bolt hit the railing beside him and ricocheted off it. "Um…nice moo cow, good Bessie!" Rory yelled back over his shoulder as the enraged buffalo humanoid mooed in frustration. "Why don't you find a nice pasture somewhere?" "Rory, we're coming!" the Doctor yelled in the distance. "Keep that guard busy until we can catch up to him!" "Believe me; I have every intention of doing that!" Rory yelled back. Then suddenly a blaster bolt hit Rory's leg, grazing it. Rory let out a cry of pain as he stumbled. He heard his wife calling to him in the distance as he hit the metal catwalk but before he could turn, the guard had reached him. "Bye, bye, human!" the guard said, lifting him up. He heard the Doctor and Amy yell as the guard flung him over the side into the huge vat. Rory's arms and legs flailed at the air before he landed in the mashed potatoes. He began to sink down and tried to swim in the thickening mass as the mixer whirled his way. "Help!" Rory called out as the guard laughed and ran off. "I don't want to be mash!" "We're coming, Rory!" the Doctor yelled. "Hurry!" Rory yelled as the mixer came closer. He managed to use his arms and legs to swim over to the side, just as the mixer went by him. He breathed a sigh of relief but the relief was short lived when the milk suddenly poured out of the tube and hit on top of his head. The force of the milk pushed Rory down into the mashed potatoes which were now solidifying around him, forming a mashed potato tomb of doom! By now, the Doctor and Amy were on the catwalk above the vat. They looked down at horror as Rory's hand, the only thing visible, went under the white fluffy mass. "No! I don't want Rory to be turned into mashed potatoes!" Amy screamed. "No worries, I'll save him!" the Doctor said. Before Amy could say anything, the Doctor dove headfirst into the vat. Amy gripped the railing and watched as the Doctor went under the mashed potatoes. A moment later, she saw Rory's head as the Doctor pushed him up from below. Amy gasped when she saw his open mouth was stuffed full of mashed potatoes and he was slowly turning blue. Then the Doctor's head popped up and he held on to the side of the vat, his body pressing Rory against the side while he tried to clean out his mouth. Amy was so absorbed in the scene below her that she yelped when a laser bolt hit the railing near her body. She looked up and yelped when she saw a buffalo guard near her, snarling at her while she aimed his blaster at her body. Amy racked her brain for an escape plan then suddenly decided to try something radical. "Look over there!" she yelled as she pointed off to her right. The buffalo guard looked to his right and Amy gave him a swift kick in the buffalo balls. The guard mooed in pain and as he went down, Amy grabbed his blaster and repeatedly hit his head with it. "This is for trying to turn my husband into mashed potatoes!" she screamed as she hit him repeatedly. Finally, the buffalo let out one final grunt and lapsed into unconsciousness. Amy collapsed on top of him, breathing a sigh of relief. "Be grateful the Doctor won't let me turn you into burgers," Amy said to him before she got up. She kept the blaster with her as she ran back to the railing. By now, the Doctor had Rory out of the vat and was on the concrete floor beside it, giving him CPR. "Come on, Rory, don't be done in by mashed potatoes!" the Doctor said while he compressed his chest. "What's wrong, girly, your friend having a spot of trouble?" Amy sighed angrily when she heard a gruff voice behind her. She turned to see another buffalo guard standing beside his fallen companion. He was sneering at her as he pointed his blaster at her. "You better run, I just dispatched your friend there," Amy said to him as she pointed the blaster at his face. "I'm not afraid of a little pink weasel," the guard said, giving a disdainful snort. "I'll make short work of ya! Bye, bye, girlie!" He shot at her but Amy ducked as the bolt zoomed over her head. Using the guard's surprise, she delivered another swift kick to the old buffalo balls and as the guard mooed in pain, his hand sailed up and a blaster bolt hit a chain holding up a steel tube. The chain snapped in two and the tube fell. The Doctor looked up and gasped when he saw it was heading for him. He jerked his body back as the tube slammed down on Rory's stomach. The force of the blow propelled the mashed potatoes out of Rory's stomach and windpipe and his unconscious body vomited it directly on the Doctor. "Eeew, Rory, how could you?" the Doctor said with disgust as he wiped mashed potatoes away from his eyes. Then he heard a stunned moo and looked up. The guard had run at Amy and she ran out of the way at the last minute. The guard's momentum propelled him over the railing and as he fell, his arms flailed out. He landed by Rory, his huge beefy hand slamming down directly over Rory's heart. The force of the blow started Rory's heart again and Rory let out a gasp and a sputter and spit the last of the mashed potatoes out of his mouth as Amy gazed at him from the catwalk. He stared up at the Doctor who was covered in half digested mashed potatoes and made a face. "Ugh, you need a bath," Rory said to him. "And why is there a huge hand on me?" he said as he grabbed the guard's hand and flung it off him. "Are you alright?" the Doctor said. "Um…yeah, I'm not drowing in mash anymore," Rory said. "You need a bath though. Sorry about that." "No worries, I've had worse spewed on me," the Doctor said. "The important thing is you're safe. Now, come on, let's go get Cowinkle!" Rory groaned, got to his feet, flicked a few patches of mashed potato off his clothes and raced with the Doctor towards the catwalk stairs.
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