PARENTHOOD
Chapter One Hundred and Eleven You want me to do what? Alan thought to his brother. I need you to come to the council chambers. Bring an imager and disguise yourself as Lady Gaga so you can confront these three gits without her being put in danger, the Doctor thought back. You want me to impersonate Lady Gaga? This is your brilliant plan? No, this is Namid's brilliant plan, I'm just the messenger. Now will you help out or not? Okay, okay, just making sure we're clear on what I'm s'posed to do. I'll be down there in a jiffy, Alan thought to him. "Okay, Alan's coming with the imager," the Doctor said to the others. "How do you know that?" Gaga asked. "Our race are telepaths, I just telepathically spoke with him." "And...somehow he's gonna impersonate me and get away with it?" The Doctor grinned. "Our race is also ace when it comes to mimicry," he said. "And we have these imagers; they can disguise our appearance perfectly." "Uncle Alan will look just like you," Namid said to Gaga. "Oh boy, this I gotta see," Gaga said to Rain. A half hour later, Alan came into the observation room carrying a large, brown rectangular box. He set the box down on the table. "Okay, I'm here. How long till this delegation returns?" Alan asked the Doctor. "They'll wait as long as we want them to, Xashon will see to that. May I ask what's in the box?" "Outfits. You wanted me to impersonate her, so I brought along things she might wear," Alan said, gesturing to Gaga. He took the imager out of his pocket and put it around his neck. Gaga watched in stunned fascination as he slowly adjusted it, running through several different looks before he finally looked like her. "Amazing! Wish I had one of those when I was on the run," Gaga said. "I can't help noticing you're butt naked though." "That's where the outfits come in to play," Alan said, taking the lid off the box. "And before you ask, I had Daisy look at Lady Gaga's videos and make up some outfits you might wear." They watched in amusement as he pulled out a dress made out of aluminum foil and put it on. The dress was strapless and came down to mid thigh. Then he took out a belt made out of a stoat and put it around him. Then he reached into the box and took out silver shoes with four inch platform heels. He put those on and wobbled for a moment until he got his balance. Then he reached in and to everyone's amazement he pulled out an enormous hat that was at least three feet taller than he was. The wide felt brim was silver but the center of the hat was a three foot penis that was amazingly detailed. Around the penis was a pretty satin black bow. Alan put the hat on and reached in the box as everyone giggled at Gaga's reaction. "Wow, a penis hat. I never thought of that. I'll have to steal that from you when you're done," she said to Alan as everyone laughed harder. He finished off the look with an enormous gold snake bracelet that snaked around his upper arm. The eyes were rubies. Gaga nodded. "Yup, I'll definitely have to steal your outfit once you're done," she said. Alan took a step and they gasped when he wobbled again for a few seconds. He took a few more tentative steps but soon he had the hang of the shoes and was walking around confidently, then strutting and finally dancing in them. "Latara, got your camera?" the Doctor muttered in his wife's ear. "Rose would skin me alive if I didn't get a photo of this for her." Rain surreptitiously reached into her trouser pocket and pulled out her digital camera. The Doctor kissed her cheek as a way of thanking her and slowly snuck up on his dancing brother, camera at the ready. He noticed Sokanon was about to say something to him and gave her a warning look as he shook his head. Sokanon shut up and bit her lip to stifle the giggles. "Yup, I definitely think I have the hang of this now." "Hey, Gaga Girl, lookie over here!" Alan turned and gasped when the Doctor took the photo. "Thanks, Rain, Rose will love me for this," the Doctor said, walking back to his wife. "Oi, give me that camera," Alan said as the Doctor ran to his wife's side and gave it to her. Rain shoved it in her pocket and smirked at Alan just as he ran up to her. "Sorry, Phallus Hat, the photo is as good as Rose's," she said smugly. "I will have that camera before the end of the day, mark my words!" "Whatever, Phallus Hat. By the way, love the bow, it accents the phallus hat perfectly," Rain said as the Doctor chuckled. Alan looked at his brother who gave him a look of innocence. He sighed. "Right, get the buggers in here so we can finish this and go home," Alan said. After telegraphing to Xashon that they were ready, she brought the three delegates back into the interrogation room. Alan waited in the observation room until everyone was inside the other room and seated before he went out the door. The moment he left, everyone giggled. "Wow, what a hat," Rain said. "Yet somehow it fits Alan's personality to a tee." The moment Alan entered everyone did a double take but the Doctor and Rain chortled when they saw the stunned look on Xashon's face as her eyes drifted up to the penis hat. "RAH RAH RAHRAHRAH BLAH BLAH MOO MOOMA POO POO IN MY BRA, ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF!" Alan half screamed/half sang in Lady Gaga's voice at the stunned delegation as the Doctor and Rain bent over laughing. "Aha," the Doctor said to Namid when he was able to speak. "I see now why you wanted him to impersonate Lady Gaga." Namid giggled and nodded and he tousled her hair before they went back to watching Alan. Before anyone could speak, Alan went on with his off-key singing as he danced in a tight square in front of the table. "MY NAME IS GAGA AND I AM DIVINE. JUST LISTEN TO ME SING AND I KNOW THAT YOU'RE MINE. DO YOU LIKE MY HAT? HAT, HAT, HAT. DO YOU LIKE MY HAT?" He jerked his head back as he let out a loud "EUGH!" and everyone in the observation room laughed when the weight of the hat nearly toppled him backwards onto his ass. He quickly checked his balance and bowed before he pulled back a chair at the end of the table and sat down. The Doctor chortled and borrowed Rain's camera again, taking a photo of him sitting there with the penis hat towering over his small head. "Lady Gaga, you are ordered to come back to Geordie with us this instant!" Manon said. Alan thrust out his hand. "Sorry, sorry, baby, I can't hear ya, eh eh. I have got no service in the interrogation room, you see, see. Wh-what was that, eh, you're breaking up on me? I cannot talk to you, I gotta pee pee. I gotta pee pee. Gotta get out of this dress and go and wee wee." "Wait? Is he making fun of me?" Gaga said in amusement as the Doctor and Rain bent over laughing. "No, you have to know our brother. This is his way of doing things," Rain said. "Trust me; he's a huge fan of yours." "Yeah, he's just taking the mickey out of the delegation, nothing more than that," the Doctor added as the children giggled. "Listen, you will stop this foolishness at once and return to Geordie with us!" Manon said angrily. Alan sat with a stone face as he stared at him. "Well, what is your answer?" Alan said nothing, only sat there with the stone face. "What is your answer?" Manon said impatiently. "I'm giving you my poker face, that's my answer," Alan said to him. "I am not in the mood for jokes, Lady Gaga. I want your answer, are you going to come along quietly or do we have to force..." "WAAAAIT!" Manon shut up when Alan screamed at him. He leapt up from his chair. "Be right back, gotta go change my clothes. If I wear an outfit for more than two minutes, I feel manky. Ta ra!" Gaga chuckled as he ran out the door. He shut it behind him and three seconds later, he burst through the observation room door. "I don't have time," Alan said with Lady Gaga's voice as the children cheered and came up around him. "Gotta change. If I'm in an outfit more than two minutes, I feel dead manky." They watched as he stripped off the clothes and hat and laid it on the table. He grinned and everyone laughed when Gaga ran up, snatched the hat and the snake bracelet and put it in the corner. "Take it all, I don't want it, Daisy came up with the lot," Alan said. "Daisy?" Gaga said. "His name for his TARDIS," the Doctor said to her. Alan put on a garbage bag dress and a black belt with a belt buckle that was made out of a large human skull with a purple feather sticking out of the top of it. He put on pink ballet slippers and then he put on another oversized hat, this one had a large black felt brim that had a train track and miniature train running around it. In the center was a four foot ketchup bottle. The Doctor raised his eyebrow as he stared at this new outfit. "Daisy designed all this?" he said, amused. She watched all of Lady Gaga's videos and this is what she gave to me, who am I to quibble," Alan said with a shrug. "Now if you'll excuse me, gotta get back!" He ran out the door and shut it as everyone giggled and went back to watching through the glass. When he tore back through the interrogation room door, the Doctor nearly lost it when he saw the shock on Xashon's face. "Sorry, I told you lot I had to wee wee. Well, I did that and I changed my outfit and now...where were we?" Alan said as he sat back down. He waited for someone to speak but everyone was too busy staring at his ketchup hat. Finally, Manon cleared his throat. "We were waiting for your answer, Lady Gaga," he said, trying not to look at the four foot ketchup bottle on Alan's head. He gasped when Alan leapt up and bent over to him. He put his hand out in front of his face as he resumed his singing. "Don't call my name; don't call my name, Alejandro. I'm not your babe; I'm not your babe, Fernando." The delegation sighed angrily. "Gaga, shut up and quit singing," Manon said angrily. The delegation gasped when Alan hiked his left leg up on the table, reached up under his dress and began to vigorously scratch his crotch. "Don't call my name, don't call my name, Alejando," Alan sang as he scratched. "I'm busy here, busy here scratching my crotch-o. Don't wanna poo, don't wanna pee, just wanna get my jollies. Gonna scratch my crotch, gonna scratch my crotch, Roberto." The delegation watched Alan scratching himself while Xashon fought to keep her composure. Bobo turned his head to look at Manon. "This is the dissident who is threatening the Geordie government? She's a raving lunatic!" he said to Manon "Which I believe is Alan's whole plan," the Doctor said as he watched. "What?" Gaga said. "He's making me look like I'm insane?" "Exactly. He's making it look like you're a complete nutter who I'm pretty sure they won't want to touch with a barge pole," the Doctor said. "Ah ha," Gaga said as she smiled and nodded. "Smooth move there. They think I'm nuts then they think I won't be capable of organizing any resistance against them." "And you'll be free to do that as well as focus on your singing career," the Doctor said. "See? My brother acts strangely but there's usually a method to his madness." By this time, Alan was making strange guttural noises while he was smelling his fingers and running them up and down his cheeks. "YES, SHAITAN, I OBEY YOUR DARK VOICE!" Alan screamed in a deep voice as the shocked delegation looked on. "I shall sacrifice the innocents and serve them to the heathens with a side of shrew! Hail the dark lord, Shaitan!" Alan rolled his eyes up in his head and the delegation gasped as he ripped his hat off, leaned over and banged his head repeatedly on the table while he screamed out "SHAITAN, I AM YOUR DARK BRIDE, MASTURBATE IN FRONT OF ME!" Bobo leapt up. "I don't know about you lot but they can have her. She needs to be put away somewhere secure and left there!" he said to everyone. He gasped as Alan suddenly straightened up, seized his robe and stared at him with wild eyes. "I MUST HAVE BLUBBER FOR SHAITAN!" he bellowed. "GIVE ME YOUR BLUUUUUBBEEEEER-AH!" The Doctor and everyone else in the observation room roared with laughter as Bobo jerked his robe away from Alan and ran out of the room. "Wait, I must have blubber for Shaitan!" Alan yelled. He looked at Manon. "Alejandro, go tell Fernando I must have his blubber!" he said to him. Manon shook his head and he and Fratek stood up. "I'm with Bobo, keep the nutty bitch," Manon said. "Yes, we had no idea the whore was mentally ill," Fratek said with disgust. "She's your problem now. Have someone escort us to our ship. We're leaving." "But I must have bluuuuubbeeeer!" Alan moaned. They gasped when he slid up onto the table on his back and writhed around while he reached under the dress and touched himself. Manon looked at Fratek and both of them stormed out of the room. The moment they left, Alan stopped and let out a contented sigh. "See, problem solved," he said, leaning his head back to look at Xashon. "My friend, you are a genius," Xashon said, leaning over to give him a kiss on the cheek. "Aw, nothing to it, just a bit of playacting and improvisation and now, Lady Gaga," he said to the wall. "You are free!" There was a minute of silence and then everyone else burst into the interrogation room. Gaga walked up to Alan and gave him a kiss on the cheek. "You were incredible. I never would have thought of the insanity defense. That was wonderfully brilliant," she said. "Aw, thanks, love all the kisses I'm getting." "And I got heaps of photos to show Rose." "Hand over the camera," Alan said to his brother as he held out his hand. The Doctor gave him an impish grin and patted Rain's trouser pocket. "Safe and sound and she'll be getting an escort home, these photos are more valuable to me than all the gold on Delphi Six," he said. Alan let out an exasperated sigh. "See how he is? See what I have to live with?" he said to Xashon as everyone laughed. (Two months later...) Alan sat in his living room, sipping a pint of lager while he read the morning newspaper. Rose was upstairs taking a shower and Christopher was in his room playing with his toys. He put the paper and the lager down on his coffee table when he heard a knock on his door. "Coming!" he called out. He opened the door and smiled when he saw Gaga standing there. "Hey, back from your tour already?" he said, hugging his friend. "Nah, just wanted to come back to my apartment and get a few things. Thought I'd drop by and say hello before I go back to the rigors of the road," she said. "Well, come inside. Have a pint and rest," Alan said. "Tell me all about what's been going on lately." Gaga smiled. Alan stepped aside and let her by before he closed the door and went to get her some lager.
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