PARENTHOOD

Chapter Two Hundred and Nineteen

It's been a long time since I wrote in this, but being the Doctor is a full time job. Ok, I am one of three Doctors that live in this big, mixed up family, but I am the Doctor. The point is I am also a father. I have talked about my Dex and how much like me he was when he was alive. I talked a little bit about Jenny, but what I didn't say is how confused I was when we first met. One minute I was placing my hand in this machine and the next I had a full grown daughter.

Did I love her at first? I think I said that I couldn't bring myself to love her because I had locked the love I had for my children away. But I did love her. She was my little girl. She even had the same color hair I had at the beginning of my lives. It took me thinking she was dead and gone that made me seal it up for good. I do kick myself for not bonding with her. If I had bonded with her, I would have known when she had woken up and would have gone to find her. What compensates for that is the fact that her going off on her own had reunited me with Jamie.

As for Cameron, I would never trade one day with my son. He means as much to me as any and all my children. My bright boy will go far as a Time Lord. He already goes off on missions for the High Council and has terra formed several planets with his inventions. True, he has had help from his cousin, Zoe, but my son is brilliant.

When it comes to Faith, I could write books on how much she has brought to my life. Not just because she was given to me during a dark period of my life, but because she is a constant reminder of how much my family means to me.

No, the last child I need to write about is Adam. Ok, he is my brother, but he is also my son. The Doctor, Amato and I joke about who and what Alan, John and Adam are, but they are our sons. Not sure what the Doctor thinks about Alan as a son, or how much Amato regrets how he treated John during his time as the Valeyard, but nothing can compare to being separated from one's child.

I remember how hard it was to leave Adam and Rose on that beach that day, but I thought I was doing the right thing. It was something like when I left Susan behind. He was going off to start a life with someone I knew would love and take care of him. But what if he hated me for doing that? I never did go back to check on Susan, so there was a chance that he hated me.

I was certain of that when he stormed at me that day on the beach and punched me in the face. I knew that I deserved it, as well as his anger, but the look in his eyes when he realized that he was home that assured me that he was just angry and didn't hate me.

What was it like when I found out that I nearly lost my son? I was enraged, but it wasn't because he almost died. It was because I wasn't there. Adam's appendix went bad and his heart nearly stopped…twice. We finally agreed that his body was trying to go into a healing coma, but didn't know how. The thing is, if I had been there, I would have taken him immediately into my TARDIS and operated on him. He would have gone into a healing coma because I would have put him in one myself.

The funny thing is I don't have an appendix. Where did it come from? My guess it came from Donna and I am a teeny bit mad at her for giving him a bad one. I did go see Wilf and he told me my Donna did have her appendix out when she was ten.

It was so hard to only see him for seconds at a time when the rift opened for a short time, but when the rift opened for days, weeks or months at a time…..Those were the best times of my lives.

Adam and I would spend most of the time just talking about what we were up to and it hurt inside to know he was miserable. I wanted to tell him to move back to my universe, but I also knew his time line and knew he had to go through all the garbage to finally get what he…what we…deserved.

Does that include him losing five children due to Rose's miscarriages? No, it doesn't include that. I would never want him to think I don't care about my lost grandchildren/nieces and nephews and we both wonder what it would have been like if all five of them had lived and what they would look like and how much trouble they would have gotten into.

Oh, I did forget something. I was certain that he hated me when River was taken by the Valeyard when she was two years old. I should have realized that I was being followed, but I was so preoccupied with the thought of visiting my son and his family that I got sloppy. When River was taken, I saw the life leaving Adam's eyes. He was so angry and it was my fault.

I was just as furious when his Pete wouldn't help us find her and I was enraged when Adam had to break down and cry until he finally decided to. It was Rose who stopped me from throttling Pete.

I know it was foolish to go off on my own, but I wasn't going to allow that monster harm River. I know that the Valeyard was me at some point, or so the legend goes, but there is no part of me that would harm a child. Not even my own. So, being the Time Lord I am, I went off to find him, but got captured and the Valeyard wanted my lives for her release. I would gladly give them up for her. The Valeyard and I fought until I knocked him out and I was shocked when Adam came into the room with a gun in his hands. I wasn't sure if he knew who was who until he called me "Brother" and told me to duck.

Did I approve of what he did? No, but it was either me or the Valeyard and I am glad he picked him.

I will never forget the look in Adam's eyes when he fired that gun or the look on his face when he saw that he had killed the Valeyard. He looked so dead inside and the tone of his voice scared me. When we left where the Valeyard had hidden River, I took Adam, Rose and River to Crystal Waters and that is where things get a little fuzzy. Not sure if Adam just got the help he needed or that he became ill and nearly died. All I know is that I got my son back and we went home.

What hurt the most is when I said we were going home. He begged me not to take him back to his universe. He wanted to go home! I can still see the sadness and anger in his eyes when I told him that he had to stay there just a little bit longer. It took five more years, but we finally did go home. And that included Jackie and Tony.

Watching Adam growing up all these years made me proud to be his father/brother and I wouldn't trade him for anything. He is more than a son or a brother. He is me. He is how I was way back when I first started out and seeing the world through his eyes makes me smile.

"Aw, you like me! You really like me!" Adam said as Duer jumped and spun the chair around to face him.

"Of course I like you," Duer said as he stood up and placed his hands on Adam's shoulders.

"So, uh, "Dad", you want to come and pick on Rain with me?"

"And why would I want to do that?" he asked with a stern look on his face.

"Well, Alan is busy and I'm bored," Adam sighed and Duer sighed, rolling his eyes.

"Tell you what. Let me save this and we'll go find something to do that doesn't end with Rain wanting to kill you," Duer said as Adam nodded his head and Duer saved what he wrote, turned the computer off and they walked out of the room as the door closed behind them.

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