Chapter Four

After Alan used the vortex manipulator to go to the interview, the Doctor and his family snuck away and hurriedly took the TARDIS to Alan and Rose's house. Rose greeted them when they emerged from her garage and breathed a sigh of relief.

"Finally, we're out of there," Jenny said as she closed the door behind everyone. "They went on and on with the questions and I think it's because they wanted to irritate Dad."

"We kept trying to tell him to leave hours and hours ago," Tara said.

"Father is stubborn," Emi said.

"Tell me something I don't know," Rose said. "Anyway, come into the kitchen and get something to eat. Then we can tackle the Christmas tree."


Alan smirked. He was standing in the waiting room preparing himself for the interview. He made sure that his family made a successful getaway before turning his attention to the problem at hand. His brother filled him in on a few key details before leaving along with a sample of some of the questions they were asking him. He went into the TARDIS long enough to change his clothes so no one would suspect he wasn't the Doctor. Now he was ready for battle.

"Okay, you boffins, get ready for an interview you'll never forget," he said before heading out of the waiting room.


When he found them, the three men were standing near a tea trolley. All three were sipping tea and talking quietly. They looked his way as he walked towards him. The head researcher was called Zak. He was medium height, Caucasian with short brown hair, a thin oval face and a small stud on the side of his right nostril. Zak glanced at his friends, put his Styrofoam cup down and walked up to Alan.

"You took a long time, are you feeling well, Doctor?" he said with a hint of a sneer in his voice.

"Yes, I am. I was just smacking the wife around, she was running her gob and needed discipline," Alan said without missing a beat.

Alan kept a straight face while Zak gave him an odd look.

"You were abusing your wife?" Zak said while his friends glanced at each other.

"Yeeeeah," Alan said in a perfect imitation of his brother's voice and mannerisms, "sometimes you need to show the bitch who's boss. I'm sure you understand. So," he said, slapping his hands together while Zak looked back at his friends. "shall we continue?"

"Um…yeah," Zak said, a bit thrown by the revelation that the greatest Time Lord of all was a wife beater. "We were talking about your childhood?"

"Indeed," Alan said, walking over to the trolley, "what else do you need to know?"

He glanced at Zak's friends while they made room for him at the trolley.

"We were asking about your relationship with the Master," Zak said while Alan fixed himself a cup of tea.

"Oh yes, that's right," Alan said, pouring a bit of milk into the cup. "Well…you see, it was my first sexual experience and I was introduced to the wonderful world of bondage through him…"

"Wait, what?" Zak said.

Alan smirked to himself and looked back at the befuddled researchers.

"Bondage. You know….S and M?" he said to them, keeping a straight face.

"Bondage? You and the Master had a sexual relationship?" another historian said.

Alan looked at him. He was Asian with long black hair that was kept back in a ponytail and a tiny goatee on his chiseled face. The Doctor had told him his name was Namark.

"Yes, Namark. The Master taught me all I know about sex," he said to him.

He stared at Namark's shocked expression for a moment, allowing that tidbit to sink in before he feigned realization.

"OH, YOU MEAN KOSCHEI!" he said, slapping his forehead.

"Yes," Zak said hesitantly. "That's who taught you about sex?"

"No, no, Koschei was me mate growing up," Alan said.

"And when he became the Master, he taught you about sex?" Zak said.

"Nah," Alan said, enjoying their looks of confusion.

"Then who were you talking about?" Another researcher said.

Alan glanced at the third researcher. He was called Von. Young, blonde with several piercings in his nose, ears and on his right eyebrow. He smirked briefly at the befuddled historian.

"Yes, Koschei and I were best mates," he said, deliberately changing the subject. "We used to play all day on his father's plantation. First we'd run through the fields of red grass and then we'd go out back to the cotton fields and whip the slaves into submission."

"Slaves?" Zak said.

"Yeah, Koschei's dad was the richest slave owner on Gallifrey. He had hundreds of them and some of them needed to be beaten into submission, much like the misses when she runs her gob. Stupid mouthy bitch."

"So you beat your wife often?" Von said.

"And sometimes Koschei's dad needed to kill a slave and Koschei and I would do it for him. Then we'd have to dig graves and bury the bodies before heading back to the manor house for a spot of tea."

By now, Alan could tell from their expressions that they doubted him but he sensed that they weren't entirely sure since he was supposed to be the great and venerable Doctor. He knew his brother had told the researchers he was concerned about showing the true history of Gallifrey which was why the three men were wondering if he was lying or not. Before they could ask him, he changed the subject again.

"I met Rose Tyler on a rainy day in Paris, France," he said.

He paused and fought hard to keep a straight face. By now, the three men were completely confused.

"I thought we were talking about your friendship with Koschei," Zak said.

"Rose was a delicate, fragile flower with a hot bod," Alan said, ignoring him. "When I saw her, I said to myself, I'd like to tap that ass. And so I did. And…I used the bondage techniques I learned from the Master. Goddamn, those lessons come in handy, don't they?"

It took all he had to keep a straight face because now all three men were staring at him with silent shock.

"I then took Rose into my TARDIS and beat her into submission before implanting a mind control chip in her brain. It's standard procedure for me to do so when I take on companions. Beating and chipping ensures their compliance. I can't exact my will and hold them in my thrall if they have free minds, can I?"

"Oh come on, Doctor," Von finally said. "Pull the other one."

"YOU DARE TO QUESTION ME?" Alan howled at him.

The three men took a step back in shock, cowed by the Doctor's sudden rage.


He shut up and let that sink in for a few seconds.

"So…shall we continue?" Alan said cheerfully.

By now, the three men were just staring at him, completely dumbfounded. Alan feigned innocence, glad that he was turning the tables on the three arrogant gits.

"We're sorry, Doctor, we meant no disrespect," Zak said.

Alan was glad he was taping this so his brother could hear that. He was wearing a contact lens camera that was recording every moment of the interview. He wondered if he should cut the interview short or let it continue on a bit more before Zak cleared his throat.

"Right. I think we're finished here," he said to Alan.

"Oh, we are?" Alan said, hiding his joy from view. "Good, I can smack the bitch around a bit more because I'm sure she did something to deserve it and then I'll just have time to put my daughters on a street corner and pimp them. Well, goodbye, gentlemen, call me when you need more information for your thingy."

And before they could respond to that, Alan ran gleefully from the room, leaving behind three confused historians.

Back                         Home                              Doctor Who Main Page                          Next

Your Name or Alias:      Your E-mail (optional):

Please type your review below. Only positive reviews and constructive criticism will be posted.