Chapter Five

By the time Alan returned home, everyone in the house was busy putting up decorations. He used the vortex manipulator so he appeared in the lounge near the front door. It took him a few seconds to get over the dizzy feeling that came with using the manipulator but in the meantime, he watched his family decorating the tree and putting up Christmas lights in the windows. The stereo was turned on and Christmas music provided a festive soundtrack to the goings-on.

It took him a second to realize that not only were Rose and the Doctor's daughters decorating the place but Jack Harkness was there as well. He bent down and picked up Speck who was now yapping and jumping up at him and held her close while he walked over to Jack.

"Where'd you come from?" he asked Jack.

"Oh. I was having an affair with Rose when everyone came home so I decided to help decorate," Jack said.

Alan grinned and wagged his finger at Rose while the women giggled at that.

"See, told ya I'd catch ya someday," Alan said to Rose.

"It's a fair cop," Rose said, holding up her hands.

"Where's Brother though?" Alan said, looking around.

"He's in the kitchen," Sokanon said.

"Yeah, he's talking to Xashon about the idiots," Namid added.

Alan walked past them to the kitchen. As he drew closer to the kitchen door, he smelt the wonderful aroma of hot tea and heard the voice of the Doctor. He entered the room and the Doctor smiled and waved to him. He was at the kitchen table talking on the mobile to Xashon. Alan put Speck down and went to fix a cup of tea while he listened to the Doctor.

"I'm not trying to be a wet blanket about this, Xashon," the Doctor was saying. "It's not like I've had people taunting me before but it's one thing to do that and quite another to construct an entire museum. We already have one museum dedicated to Gallifreyan history so I think they're really out to embarrass me. But anyway, I wanted to bring it to your attention. I might be overreacting but…"

He fell silent while Xashon said something to him. Alan finished making his cup of tea and turned around, leaning his butt against the Formica counter while he sipped it and watched his brother. The Doctor was nodding and murmuring "Uh-huh" and "Mm-hm" while Alan savored the warm tea going down his throat. Alan glanced over at Rose when she came into the room.

"So how'd it go?" Rose asked Alan softly.

"Ooh, I think I confused them sufficiently. I'll go in Daisy in a moment and upload the footage to a DVD disc. I just needed a quick cuppa."

"Okay," the Doctor said to Xashon, "I can do that. When would be a good time then?"

"Our children and Chas are coming over later," Rose said to Alan. "Rain's going to help me fix supper for everyone."

"Brilliant," Alan said.

"Well," the Doctor said after ending the phone call, "Xashon wants me to go with her tomorrow and go speak with the berks about their little project. Turns out they never got approval from the council and lied when they filled out all the necessary forms to build that thing."

"Ooo, vaporization for them then," Alan said.

The Doctor got up and put his mobile in his pocket.

"All that just reinforces my suspicion that they were only doing this as a way to humiliate me. Most of the questions they asked me have already been answered and stored in the archives. I told them as much but they insisted on speaking to me personally."

"Ooo, mate them with Zygons then vaporize them," Alan said.

The Doctor snorted at that.

"No, sorry. The last thing we need is shape shifting berks running around," he said. "So…will I expect someone to come round and arrest me now?"

"For what?" Alan said.

"For what you said, whatever you said, to the berks," the Doctor said. "What did you say to them, if I might ask?"

"I'm going to upload it to a DVD for your viewing pleasure," Alan said.

"Will someone be arresting me?" the Doctor said.

"Probably not but I confuzzled the hell outta them," Alan said.

The Doctor looked at Rose.

"Let me guess. He told them I was a cross-dressing, pot smoking vampire that likes picking up children in my TARDIS and selling them to sweatshops in China for a tidy profit," he said to her.

"No, but that's brilliant. I'll have to remember that for next time," Alan said.

Rose giggled when the Doctor shook his head.

"You know, if it wasn't for me, you'd be sectioned by now, I'm sure of it," the Doctor said before leaving the room.

"Is that true?" Alan said to Rose.

"Errrrm, yeah," Rose said.

"You mean the Doctor could have sent me to the Home for the Mentally Challenged Splody People?" Alan said.

"No, he'd probably send you to some cat lady somewhere and you could tend to her cats," Rose said.

"And make them go splody?"

"You're fixated on that, aren't ya?"

"On splody? Too right I am. I was born in battle, remember. Jenny was born in battle and she liked making things go splody, am I right?"

"Well, yeah, I suppose so," Rose said.

"Emi was born in battle and she likes…well, she likes head chopping more than splody but you get my meaning."

"Yup," Rose said as Alan came closer to her. "So what did you tell these people anyway?"

"That my brother was a wife beater who pimped his children on street corners."

Rose looked at his face and her eyes widened when she realized he wasn't joking.

"Seriously? You told them that?" she said.

"Well, I could have used the whole cross-dressing, pot smoking vampire thing if I'd thought of it at the time."

"Oh my God, Alan, you better hide then."


"Because you'll get a beating. Not only from the Doctor but Rain as well."

"Nah, not afraid of them. I'm the Oncoming Cross-Dressing Pot Smoking Vampire. Nothing can harm me."

He kissed the top of Rose's head and left the room. Rose stood there for a moment, wondering if she should tell the Doctor what she learned and prepare him for the DVD. She decided that perhaps it would be best if he knew so she left the room. Alan was going into the garage as she entered the lounge. Rose waited till he shut the door before walking over to the Doctor who was chatting with Jack as the two of them decorated the Christmas tree. Rose walked up behind the Doctor and tapped him on the shoulder. The Doctor looked over his shoulder with a questioning look on his face.

"Yeeees?" he said while Jack looked over his shoulder at her.

"Okay," Rose said. "He said that part of what he said to those people was you were a wife beater who pimped your children on street corners."

Rain was walking towards the tree with a couple of ornaments and froze in her tracks when she heard that. Jack guffawed as the Doctor looked at him.

"Wow, that's tamer than I thought it'd be," he said to Jack while Rain shook her head and walked to the tree.

"What if they leak that to the press?" Jack said to the Doctor.

"I threaten to sue and get a retraction and an apology, that's what happens if it leaks to the press. Not to mention I'll have Alan tell them it was him instead of me and it was a joke. Most people know I have a twin anyway. And most people know me and my story and that's about as far from my behavior as you can get."

"Can I leak to the press that I'm bonking Rose Tyler?" Jack said.

He grinned when Rose chortled at that.

"Would anyone care?" Rain said, leaning around the tree to look at Jack.

"They might if I use photoshop and some porn websites and fabricate some evidence of it," Jack said. "Actually, I could photoshop in your wife too and maybe Donna and Martha and Julie and Serena and Koschei and Duer and Adam and a big blue alien fuzzball thing and a turd and…"

"Okay, Harkness, I think we get the point now," the Doctor said while his family giggled.


Alan waited until his children and Chaska came over and the meal was over and done with. The Doctor told his son what was going on while Rose did the same with her children. By the time the DVD was ready for viewing, everyone was aware of the subject matter. Alan proudly played the footage for them while everyone stood or sat in front of the TV and watched it. The children were all giggling at the footage while the Doctor and Jack gave each other bemused looks.

"I love how you managed to sneak in the bitch insult," Rain said dryly to Alan.

"Well, I thought it might shock them if I said that," Alan said.

"No, you wanted to say it, regardless," Rain said.

"So, Doctor," Jack said when they finished watching it. "When did my beating and chipping occur? I don't remember being beaten into submission and chipped into enslavement."

"No, me either," Rose said.

"I wiped your memories the way I had to wipe Donna's memories. That's why you don't remember it," the Doctor said while his family laughed. "Trust me, it did occur. It's standard procedure for all companions going back to Ian and Barbara."

"Well, that explains the fuzzy feeling I have in my brain from time to time," Jack said. "That and the insane need to drop to my knees and…"

Everyone laughed when Jack feigned shock and suddenly fell to his knees in front of the Doctor, prostrating himself and worshipping him while the Doctor sniggered.

"See, my willing disciple," the Doctor said, pointing to Jack while he pretended to kiss the Doctor's Converse. "As I said, it's common practice."

"Oh, Doctor, you alien hunk, you," Jack said breathlessly as he grabbed onto the bottom of the Doctor's jacket. "Sire, let me service you in the manner to which you're accustomed."

"Okay, his chip needs a bit of adjustment now," the Doctor said while everyone laughed.

"Daddy, what's service you mean?" Hope asked.

The Doctor gave Jack a pointed look and everyone laughed harder when Hope waited for an answer. Jack got up and leaned down to put his arm around Hope.

"I was talking about bringing him ice cream and biscuits, that's what servicing means," he said to her.

"Oh. Okay," Hope said.


(Later on that night…)

The Doctor was up late, sitting on the sofa in his lounge long after everyone else had gone to bed. Their Christmas tree was by the holotelevision and it was turned on. The colored lights softly glowed while the Doctor gazed at it, lost in his thoughts. He heard a rumble and glanced out the sliding glass doors that led to the patio and pool. In the distance, he could see the sky light up briefly from an oncoming thunder storm. Their part of New Gallifrey had climate much like Arizona which mean it was chilly in wintertime but still warm enough for thunderstorms to occur from time to time. He turned his attention to the doors and watched the clouds light up and listened to the soft rumbling in the distance. As he watched the storm, he sensed someone was watching him. He looked over to the stairs and saw Hope sitting halfway down, arms around her drawn up knees.

"You okay?" he asked her as she stood up and came down.

"Couldn't sleep," Hope said, walking over to him.

"Why? What's wrong?" he said as Hope sat down next to him on the sofa.

"Thinkin'" Hope said.

"About what?" the Doctor said, putting his arm around her.

"Those mean people. Are they gonna do anything to you?"

The Doctor was a bit shocked at that but he smiled.

"Nah," he said. "They can't do much because they lied to the council to begin with. They didn't get permission to build that museum so anything I said or your uncle said to them doesn't matter. They can't tell it to the newspapers because too many people know me and know the truth and I seriously doubt they'll harm me physically. I could wipe the floor with all three of them."

"I don't like it when people hate you," Hope said.

The Doctor smiled warmly at that.

"Well, it's a good thing you haven't been around for centuries then," he said, rubbing her arm. "There's been plenty of people who've hated me."

"What'd you do when they did that?"

"I crammed them into a hollowed out pumpkin and lit them on fire and made them into a jack-o-lantern."

He smiled when Hope giggled at that and kissed the top of her head.

"Does that ease your fears then?" he asked her.

"Yeah," Hope said, nodding.

"Ready to go back to sleep yet?"

"No, I wanna stay up a bit and watch the storm."

"Okay," the Doctor said.

They watched the storm which was now growing in intensity for a moment.



"Do you want me to service you?"

Hope frowned when the Doctor sniggered at that for a few seconds before sobering up.

"Um…no, that's fine. I'm fine," the Doctor said. "Do me a favor and don't say that to me in public, okay? Uncle Jack lied to you about what that means. It's to do with sex but don't tell your mum I told you, yeah?"

"Okay, Daddy. Are you hungry though?"

"Nah, I'm good. Had a good meal tonight and I'm fine and dandy," the Doctor said, patting his tummy. "Just sit with me awhile and that's all I need."

Hope nodded and cuddled with her father. The storm raged outside and the rain fell hard but all of it proved to be soothing to her and she slowly nodded off. The Doctor waited until he was sure she was fast asleep before getting up, carefully gathering her into his arms and holding her close, went upstairs with her to her bedroom.


Back                         Home                              Doctor Who Main Page

Your Name or Alias:      Your E-mail (optional):

Please type your review below. Only positive reviews and constructive criticism will be posted.