Chapter Twelve

Rose’s Blog Entry No. 64…

You know, traveling around with the Doctor through time and space is such a unique experience, I sometimes forget that the Doctor might not be the only one who can do it. Which is what this blog entry is all about. Because we actually did meet fellow time travelers…and they were not like the Doctor at all. It all started the other day when the TARDIS made a wrong turn and ended up in a forest in the Stone Age…

“Okay, so why are we here?” Rose asked, as she and the Doctor stepped outside the TARDIS.

The Doctor scratched his head.

“Um…your guess is as good as mine.”

“This isn’t where you wanted to go?”

The Doctor walked around behind the TARDIS while he took a gander at their surroundings.

“Um…no. I was trying to take us to the Rigan Music Festival. And…this is definitely not Riga. In fact, it looks a lot like….”

He watched as an enormous six-foot dragonfly zoomed by.

“Prehistoric Earth,” he added, “which is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay off from where I wanted to go. Still, I suppose we can just hop back in and…Rose?”

The Doctor went around to the front of the TARDIS and noticed Rose was nowhere in sight. He frowned, leaned inside the TARDIS, and checked to see if she had gone back in. He didn’t see her and leaned back out.

“Rose! You better not have gotten captured by a monster this early because I’m definitely not ready!”

He sighed and put his hands on his hips.

“You know, I need to act on my original idea of installing a GPS chip in her head.”

Just then, Rose came running through the trees.

“Ah, there you are. I was just about to go get the GPS chip, and a scalpel, and…”

“Doctor, come here, you have to see this!”

“What? You found a monster, faithful friend?”

“No, I found a phone booth, dorky Doctor!”

The Doctor eyed her.

“I will overlook that snide remark and come with you instead,” he said, “lead the way to the phone booth.”

Rose took his head and guided him through the trees. Sure enough, several feet away in a clearing, there was a phone booth. The Doctor’s eyes widened. Sitting outside the phone booth were several people. Even more disturbing, he recognized the occupants. All of them were famous.

“Rose, do you know who these people are?” he said to her.

Rose frowned. She scrutinized the strangers. She recognized one of them and her mouth dropped open.

“Is that…Abraham Lincoln?” she asked, pointing.

“Yes, and Socrates, and Beethoven, and Genghis Kahn, and Billy the Kid, and Joan of Arc, and Sigmund Freud.”

“What are they doing here?”

“I don’t know, but I don’t like this. Apparently, someone has concocted a nefarious plan to kidnap famous people.”

By this time, everyone had spotted them. The Doctor and Rose watched as they talked amongst themselves, and then Billy the Kid stood up. He drew his guns from his holsters and pointed it their way. The Doctor and Rose’s hands flew up.

“Who might you be, pardner?” he asked.

“Um…I’m the Doctor and this is Rose Tyler. You are Billy the Kid?”

He realized he had just said the wrong thing when Billy drew back the hammers on the guns.

“Yeah, what’s it to ya?”

“It’s nothing to us, really. Rose and I are just passing through. How about you? Why are you guys sitting outside a phone booth in the middle of the Stone Age?”

Billy released the hammers and put the guns away.

“We’re waiting here for Bill S. Preston, Esquire, and Ted Theodore Logan,” he said.

The Doctor glanced at Rose.

“Who are they?”

“They’re our friends. They’re taking us back to San Dimas, California, so we can see the city.”

The Doctor was completely confused.

“These people are taking all of you to California, so you can see a city? Why?”

“Something ‘bout a report,” Billy said, shrugging.

The Doctor mouthed, “report?” to himself. He scanned the area.

“Is…uh…this Bill and Ted around here now?” he asked.

Billy shrugged.

“If they are, they went off that-a-way,” he said, pointing off to his right.

“Fine, thanks, nice to meet you…again. Um…you and your buddies just…hang out here and Rose and I will meet your…friends and get things sorted out. Then, we’ll give you guys a ride back to your own times. Now, if you’ll excuse us…”

He and Rose gave him a wide berth and ran past.

“This is bad. If this Bill and Ted kidnap these people and take them to California, it could seriously disrupt history. We have to find them fast!” the Doctor said to her.

As it turned out, they didn’t have to go very far. They climbed the top of a hill and saw the two of them at the bottom, arguing amongst themselves.

“Bill, you sure you wanna bag another historical figure? We already got enough for our report, and extra credit. Besides, dude, I don’t think the booth is gonna hold up much longer. We just fixed the antenna, you know.”

“Yes. But, Ted, we gotta make sure we pass our history exam so your dad doesn’t send you off to Oates Military Academy. It’s not gonna matter if we take one more person.”

“Actually, I beg to differ. It does matter…a lot!”

The two teenagers spun around and noticed a tall, gangly man and a beautiful young blonde glaring at them as they came down the hill. Their eyes fell on the blonde and then fell even further to her breasts.

“Whoa, Bill, check out the savory babe!”

“Yeah, she’s totally hot!” Bill replied, “but, what’s she and the thin dude doing here?”

“I don’t know. Maybe they got a phone booth too.”

“Oh yeah. Excellent, dude, fellow time travelers!”

The Doctor raised his eyebrow when they turned and did a quick air guitar. They ogled Rose for a moment and then with huge grins on their faces, they walked up to her.

“How’s it going, gorgeous babe?” Bill said, “I am Bill S. Preston, Esquire.”

“And I’m Ted Theodore Logan.”

They looked at each other.

“And we are…WYLD STALLYNS!”

The Doctor rolled his eyes when they did another round of air guitar and gave each other dopey smiles. He glanced at Rose, who was completely unimpressed with them. Clearing his throat, he decided to take control of the situation.

“Excuse me…Wyld Stallyns; is that your phone booth back there?”

“Yeah, isn’t it just bodacious?” Ted said.

“Um…yeah…listen, um….did you…kidnap all those famous people in it?”

“We didn’t kidnap them, skinny British dude, we just borrowed them.” Ted said, indignantly.

“Uh huh, and you are taking them to San Dimas for a report of some kind?”

“Yeah,” Bill said, happily.

“What kind of report?”

“History report, dude!” Ted said.

The Doctor was taken aback.

“Excuse me, but where do you two come from?”

“San Dimas,” Bill said.

“Yeah, yeah, I know that, But, when?”

They gave him a blank look. The Doctor sighed.

“What year was it when you left San Dimas?” he said, patronizingly.

“Um…1988.” Ted said.

“Okay, good, so you are from the year 1988, San Dimas, California. Good, now we’re getting somewhere. Now…next question, where did you get the ability to time travel?”

“From Rufus, dude,” Ted said.

The Doctor glanced at Rose.

“Rufus,” he said, “and he is…”

They gave him blank looks.

“Who is Rufus?” the Doctor said, annoyed.

Bill and Ted glanced at each other.

“Dunno, dude, he’s from the future. That’s all we know about him,” Bill said.

“Okay, so…Rufus from the future gave you a phone booth that travels through time so you could go kidnap famous people and take them back to San Dimas, California for a history report, right?”

“Right on, skinny dude!” Ted said, happily.

“Has it ever occurred to you to just open your history books and write a report that way?”

They shook their heads.

“We can’t do that, dude. We’re in danger of flunking most heinously,” Bill said, “and if we do, Ted’s dad will send him to military school and there’ll be no more band.”

“Mmmm, yes, tragic,” the Doctor muttered, “well, as much as I’d hate to see you go to military school, you just can’t pop around history and pull people out of their time streams.”

He sighed when the blank looks returned to their faces.

“You can’t force people to be in your stupid history report!” he said.

“But, if we flunk out of history class, the band will break up!” Ted protested.

“Yeah, Wyld Stallyns can’t break up. We need to stay together so we can make a triumphant video, so Eddie Van Halen will join our band.”

The Doctor took several long, slow, calming breaths.

“Look, I’m sorry, but I really can’t let you do this. I’m sorry your band will break up, but these people need to go back where they came from.”

“Then…let us have the babe if you’re gonna take them back!” Ted said, pointing to Rose.

“Hell, no, I’m not gonna go anywhere with you lot!” Rose said.

“Come on, babe. Come with us and see San Dimas,” Bill said.

“Yeah, and then when you tell everyone what you think of it, we’ll bring you back to snooty dude here.”

The Doctor stepped in front of her.

“No, the “babe” will not be going anywhere with you. The “snooty dude,” as you put it, will not allow it.”

“Well, then how about you?” Bill asked.

“No, I’m not going anywhere with you either.”

“Well, what are we supposed to do?” Ted said.

“How about you get in your phone booth, go home, lay off the marijuana, study, write out a reaaaaaaaally good report, and pass your class. Quit snatching people out of time and making them cover your lazy little butts.”

“But, Rufus is the one who gave us the idea!” Bill protested.

“Yeah, and he gave us the phone booth. Besides, we gotta get back home. My little brother is looking after Napoleon, and…”

“Wait a moment, you have Napoleon too?”

Bill and Ted glanced at each other.

“Um…yeah, well, that was an accident, dude!” Ted said, quickly, “Rufus was showing us how the booth works and we went and saw Napoleon and he came back with us and now my little brother, Deacon, is…”

“Where is your house?” the Doctor cut in.

Ted frowned.


“Yes, what is the address of your house?”

“Why you wanna know?” Ted said, warily.

The Doctor thought.

“I wanna meet Napoleon. I’ve…always wanted to meet him!” he said, feigning excitement.

Bill and Ted grinned.

“Awesome, dude, if you two come back with us, maybe we can all party!”

“Um…yeah, party,” the Doctor muttered, “So, tell you what, you go to your house and we’ll follow you in our…phone booth, and then we’ll have a greeeeeeeeeeeat big party!”


The Doctor looked at Rose and shook his head when they did another joint air guitar. He leaned in to her ear.

“This, Rose, is why the Time Lords didn’t trust just anyone with time travel.”

“Well, this Rufus…maybe he’s a Time Lord, then?” Rose whispered back.

The Doctor took a long, hard look at Bill and Ted.

“I seriously doubt it, Rose. Somehow I can’t see anyone, let alone a Time Lord, giving the power of time travel to a couple of stoners.”

Rose put her hand over her mouth, stifling her giggles, as the Doctor leaned back up and gave the two teenagers a polite smile.

“Well, let’s get going then. Don’t wanna miss the big party with all the famous blokes, eh?”

Bill and Ted looked at each other.

“Actually, dude, we changed our minds,” Bill said.

“Yeah, we still don’t trust you!”

The Doctor sighed. He decided to drop all pretenses.

“Look, you either surrender the people you stole to me, or I’m gonna take you and your booth and lock them up in a cell on my TARDIS. Then, I’m gonna take you back to San Dimas without the booth, so I can make damn sure you don’t do this again, and…”

He was cut off when someone hit him and Rose on the back of their heads. They fell forward, as Socrates and Billy the Kid grinned at Bill and Ted and dropped the rocks they were holding.

“So-crates and I were listenin’ and we figured you two were in trouble, so we thought we’d come rescue ya,” Billy said, smugly.

“Yeah, well, he was gonna ruin everything!” Ted said, angrily.

“Yeah, he was gonna take you all back before you saw San Dimas,” Bill added.

Billy grinned.

“Well, we can’t have that. So, we’ll just leave these two varmints here and by the time they wake up, we’ll be long gone!”

Bill and Ted looked at each other, smiled and nodded vigorously. They started to walk past them when Ted stopped and stared at Rose.

“You think we oughta bag the babe, though?”

“No, I don’t think so, Ted. Let’s just leave her and geeky dude alone. They’re too much trouble. ‘Sides, we gotta get back to San Dimas before it’s too late.”

Ted nodded.

“Catch ya later, geeky dude!” he said to the Doctor’s unconscious body.

They gave each other an air guitar and hurried back towards the booth.

“Come on, So-crates,” Billy said, gesturing to his friend.

Socrates nodded. He paused by the Doctor’s body for a moment. With an evil grin, he gave him a swift kick in the ribs.

“Geek!” he said to him.

Chortling, he quickly hurried off.

By the time we woke up, they were gone. Needless to say, the Doctor is extremely angry and I’ve been avoiding him for the moment until he calms down. He did go and check on the people they kidnapped and I guess they were returned, since according to the Doctor, nothing was amiss. That helped to soothe his anger a bit, but still, I think I’ll be back here avoiding him for a couple of hours or at least until he stops ranting to anyone who’ll listen about how two stoner teenagers outsmarted him.

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