A/N: This idea is based on an interview where Matt Smith said he would love for the Doctor to have a talking parrot as a companion next series. Okay, Doctor, you asked for it!

Chapter Sixteen

As wise and as wonderful as the Doctor is, there are sometimes when the man goes completely off his trolley and I mean more than usual. Case in point, a few days ago the Doctor, for some reason known only to himself, decided he needed to have a talking parrot to add to his list of companions. I, who seem to possess more common sense than he does, tried to talk him out of it. But as usual, what I said went in one ear and out the other because as you know, the Doctor knows more than everybody so I just stood back, kept my mouth shut and watched the train wreck while the Doctor went to a pet shop and purchased a parrot.

"Roooose, come and see what I have!" the Doctor called from the console room.

Rose groaned. She knew what it was. All morning long she'd been trying to talk the Doctor out of buying the parrot but he would not be swayed. She entered the console room and saw the Doctor standing triumphantly by the console with a blue and red macaw perched on his shoulder.

"Isn't he magnificent?" the Doctor said, pointing to it. "My new faithful friend. Like pirates of old, we shall sail the seven seas of time together."

"Let me guess, it's name is Polly," Rose said.

"Don't be ridiculous. I wouldn't give it a daft name like that."

He paused for a few seconds and Rose waited for the inane follow up to his remark. Sure enough, two seconds later…

"His name is Squawky."

"Mmm, well take Squawky back to the pet shop."

"Not a chance. He and I are now best mates, aren't we, Squawky?"

"Hello," Squawky said.

"See, isn't that brilliant? He said hello," the Doctor said.

Rose stared at him, thinking sometimes just how easily impressed and amused the Doctor could be for such a super genius. Squawky cocked his head and looked at Rose.

"Who's the pretty bird then?" he croaked out

"See, more brilliance. And he is pretty, isn't he. Look at his feathers and…"

"Look at the bird. I'd fancy a shag with the pretty bird," Squawky said, eyeing Rose.

Both of them stood there silently as Rose realized that they mistook the meaning of "bird". The Doctor coughed nervously.

"Yes, well, probably picked that up somewhere," he said sheepishly. "He's still brilliant though."

"Hello, whore; want me to ram my womb broom up your arse?"

Both of them fell silent again when Squawky spoke that. The Doctor looked at his parrot.

"Squawky, that wasn't polite," he said as if he were chastising a young child. "You mind your manners."

"Fuck you, whore," Squawky said to him.

Rose bit her lip to keep from laughing at the Doctor's shocked expression.

"Yes…well, obviously he'll have to be retrained," the Doctor said. "But at least he can talk and…"

Suddenly, the Doctor fell silent when Squawky broke into song.

"Ooooh, I went to Buckingham Palace. And I saw the Queen. I took her to bed and had a go. Had the tightest twat I've ever seeeeeen."

Rose couldn't help the laughter this time as the Doctor's mouth fell open.

"Doctor, where did you get this parrot? From a porn shop?" Rose said.

"No, he came from a reputable dealer. The pet shop owner never said he had a filthy mouth and…'

The Doctor turned around to pace while he talked and Rose noticed there was now a long white trail of parrot poo down his back. When she pointed this out to the Doctor, he let out an angry groan.

"Okay, we need to find him some nappies if he's gonna travel with me," the Doctor said, taking him off his shoulder. "Just…mind him for a few minutes while I change, be right back."

The Doctor put Squawky on Rose's arm, despite her protests and hurried out of the room. Rose stood by the console, parrot on her arm while she looked around for somewhere to put the bird. Squawky cocked his head and eyed her.

"Hello love, fancy a parrot prick up the bum?" he said to her.

"No, I would not. I'd fancy you shutting the hell up," Rose said to him.

"Fuck you, whore, I wouldn't shag you with a cadaver's dick."

Rose fought to restrain herself from tearing Squawky's head off and throwing it in the toilet. Meanwhile, the Doctor entered the room with a fresh jacket and to Rose's relief, took his bird back. This time, however, he kept Squawky on his arm while he walked around the console and to Rose's alarm, prepared to leave.

"Wait! Doctor, maybe you should rethink getting Squawky," Rose said before he could take off. "I mean, listen to him, he's loud, rude and bawdy. You don't want him tipping off the enemy about where you are, yeah? Why don't you go get a nice puppy instead. You like puppies, don't you?"

"Fuck off, slag!"

The Doctor backed away when Rose made a fist and tried to cold cock the parrot.

"Rose, calm down, this is an animal, not a Dalek."

"No, it's a horny bird from Hell who won't shut it's beak and I'm about to turn him into parrot stew," Rose said.

The Doctor stared at her in shock.

"Rose, this parrot is innocent. It's the fault of the owner. He's the one who taught Squawky to say all these rude things. Squawky probably has no clue what he's saying, he's just parroting, for want of a better word, the words he's been taught. Your getting enraged over something he has no control over is counterproductive and…"

Suddenly, Squawky flapped up into the Doctor's face, scratched his cheek, bit his ear and climbed on top of his head where he promptly shit down the side of his face. He then began singing his bawdy song while the Doctor stood there, fists clenched, in a white hot rage.

"Then again, parrot stew sounds pretty damn good right about now," the Doctor said through clenched teeth. "I suddenly see the wisdom in not keeping a parrot and if you'll excuse me, I'm going to return this bird to the pet shop before I do something I will regret. Watch the TARDIS in my absence."

"Told ya," Rose said under her breath when the Doctor turned and walked with Squawky out of the TARDIS.

Well, needless to say, he returned the bird and didn't get anything else. I think that ends his whole get an animal and make it a companion idea. Hopefully, in future…


Rose looked up from typing and saw the Doctor at the living room door. She groaned when she saw a monkey perched on his shoulder.

"Lookie! I'm gonna call him Bananas. He'll be more helpful than Squawky and I'll even teach him to do things like fetch the keys when we get locked in the dungeon. I just purchased him but I thought I'd let you know so you wouldn't be surprised when you saw him. See ya in a bit, gotta go get acquainted with my new best friend."

Rose watched him turn and leave the room before she began typing again.

Then again, I guess the Doctor hasn't learned his lesson. One thing's for sure, I won't be around to clean monkey shite out of his clothes and nurse his infected bite marks. This time, he is on his own!

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