Chapter Twenty One

Omg, the Doctor is so full of shit sometimes. Mind you, I've gotten used to his namedropping and his boasts about doing this or that but there are times when even his boasts seem a bit farfetched. Case in point, we visited Torchwood the other day and Jack came aboard for a bit of reminiscing with us. While we were talking in the living room, the Doctor began namedropping again andů

"Excuse me, I know this is probably a stupid question," Jack said, setting his mug of beer on the table beside him. "But is there anyone you haven't met in your long history of travels?'

The Doctor sipped his beer while he thought that over. Rose and Jack exchanged a look when he kept on thinking.

"Doctor, quit being an arse," Rose said.

"I'm not being an arse, I'm thinking about who I haven't met yet," the Doctor said to her. "I s'pose I haven't met Jo-Jo, the Wonder Midget Boy yet."

"You're telling me that everyone who's ever been famous has known you," Rose said.

"Yeah, pretty much," the Doctor said.

"You met Jesus Christ then?" Rose said.

"Nice chap, very peaceful," the Doctor said.

Rose and Jack shared a look.

"Let me guess, the crucifixion was a fixed point in time," Jack said dryly.

"Yup," the Doctor said before taking another sip of beer.

"Did you meet Adolf Hitler then?" Rose said.


"And you couldn't stop him because it's also a fixed point in time?" Rose said.

"Well, yes and no, I did foil a few Nazi schemes that would have made things much, much worse for the allies."

"And Mussolini too?" Jack said.

"And Hirohito. I was quite busy during the war," the Doctor said.

"Really? Because I was in that war and I don't remember hearing about you," Jack said.

"That's because I was in disguise and using my invisibility cloak," the Doctor said.

Jack shot Rose a "Yeah, right," look.

"And where did ya get this invisibility cloak from, Harry Potter?" Rose said.

"Don't be daft. Harry Potter is a fictional characterůI got it from Merlin," the Doctor said.

"So what you're telling us is you spent World War Two under an invisibility cloak while you went around fixing things," Jack said.

"And distributing sweets. I remember kiddies would be standing around, minding their own business, when suddenly, BOOM, showers of sweets would rain down on their heads. I loved watching the nipper kipper scramble for the choccies, made my hearts warm."

"And I suppose you were in World War One too," Jack said.

"Yes but I was doing office work at that time, those trenches were ghastly."

"And were you in the Civil War?" Rose said.

"Which one? There were many," the Doctor said.

"The American one," Jack said.

"Fought for the union but I got a bullet in the arm at Shiloh. Damn scarf. I thought it would look dashing with my soldier outfit but I tripped on it and stumbled and a damn reb shot me in the arm. Still, I made it out of there with my life intact. Any other wars you wanna know about?"

"The Hindenburg," Rose said.

"The Hindenburg isn't a war," the Doctor said.

"I know that. Were you there?"

"Sadly yes, I'm afraid the fire was my faultůsorta. Fought an alien fire breathing dragon on the ground and he tried to scorch me as the Hindenburg was landing and the zeppelin caught on fire instead. Damn dragon."

"You are so full of shit, Doctor," Rose said while Jack nodded in agreement.

"I notice you say that often to me, Tyler," the Doctor said.

"Because it's true. If there was a dragon around the Hindenburg, how come no one reported it?"

"It had an invisibility cloak on, same as me."

Jack sniggered when Rose threw up her arms in exasperation.

"Come on, Rose, you gotta admit this is entertaining," Jack said. "What about the Tower of London, how many times were you imprisoned there?"

"Five times. I escaped one of those times when I told the beefeaters that I would steal all the ravens and put them in my TARDIS. They let me go after that. Can't let London fall, you know."

"Princess Di's wedding," Rose said.

"In the back row. Quite entertaining wedding but not as entertaining as Henry the VIII's many marriages. Each time the bloke got married, he got fatter and fatter and eventually they had to lower him into the church using a huge crane."

"Bullshit, they didn't have cranes back then!" Rose said, pointing at him.

"Bullshit, they did but the royals have been hiding it for centuries!" the Doctor said, pointing back at her. "The royals had a crane before anyone else because I gave it to them!"

"And Henry the VIII was such an enormous fat ass that they had to lower him into Westminster Abbey by crane?" Jack said.

"Towards the end of his life. He was quite obese. They had to dig up all of Hyde Park just to bury his porky little body. It's the biggest grave ever."

Rose raised her eyebrow when Jack sniggered.

"And what did you do to sink Atlantis? Fart?" Rose said.

"How do you know about that?" the Doctor said. "I thought the Great Atlantis Mega Fart would never be remembered except in obscured Aztec glyphs!"

Rose giggled.

"I s'pose I read it in a book somewhere," she said while the Doctor grinned and winked.

"And I guess the Mega Fart came because you were battling the dragon that was being lowered down by a crane by Hirohito," Jack said.

"Blimey, you do know your history," the Doctor said.

"And after that, he said I'm sorry to the sinking continent while he sped away from it in a speedboat and he went to Egypt and told the Egyptians to build the pyramids before he made himself Pharoah and wore a hawk mask and the hawk headed god in the heiroglyphs is him," Rose said.

"Have you been following me around?" the Doctor said, feigning shock. "How do you know I was Lord God Atum-Nefer-Ramses-Osirus-Julia the First?"

"Like I said, Rose, he is entertaining," Jack said to her while she giggled.

Well at least he did admit he was bullshitting and started joking with us about all the things he's said and done. I do admit he's been around and probably seen many things but come on; some things seem a bit farfetched, even for him. But like Jack said, even if he is bullshitting, he's still very entertaining.

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