Chapter Twenty Two

I think I've mentioned before that the Doctor is a prankster and his mischief tends to come when he's bored. There are downtimes when we relax or rather he lets me relax but most of the time the Doctor doesn't want to rest and so he thinks up pranks that he can carry out. Most of the time I'm the butt of these jokes but there are times when others are the unwilling victims. Case in point….earlier today the Doctor got an idea for a prank and instead of me, he decided to go visit Jack at Torchwood…

"You're gonna get punched," Rose said, crossing her arms while she stood at the console with the Doctor.

"Nonsense, I'm only fulfilling Jack's fondest wish. Now are you gonna play along or are you gonna stand in the background and grumble?"

Rose sighed but she agreed to go along with it in case he went to far and he had to rescue him from Jack.


(Torchwood Hub, 2006…)

"Okay," Jack said as he sat on one of the chairs inside the Hub. "Let's get down to business here."

His four teammates were sitting around him, sipping tea and coffee while Jack relaxed and looked over the morning report. Jack picked up a mug of coffee and sipped it before speaking.

"Now, according to Andy, there are reports of more weevil sightings. Mainly in Hyde Park but also around Covent Garden and Piccadilly Circus. Seems the weevil population is becoming active for some reason."

"Maybe it's mating season," Owen said with a shrug.

"I hope not. I don't fancy pulling the weevils apart while they're shaggin' each other," Gwen said.

Jack was about to say something when he heard the wheezing sound of the TARDIS. Everyone turned their heads and watched while it materialized.

"Ah ha! The perfect man for the weevil problem!" Jack said, pointing to the TARDIS. "If he's here, that must mean there's something sinister happening with the weevils!"

The TARDIS door opened and the Doctor strolled out and walked over to Jack.

"Doctor, the weevils are coming out en masse and we need to find out why and…"

He shut up when the Doctor came up behind his chair and began to massage his shoulder muscles while Rose watched from the TARDIS door.

"Wow, you sure are tense, must be from worrying about the weevils. Go on with your report though, don't let me stop you," the Doctor said.

"Um…okay," Jack said, a bit nonplussed and thrown off by the sudden deep tissue massage. "You're not here about the weevils then?"

"No, I'm here to make sure you're relaxed and ready for a fresh start at a new day," the Doctor said.

"Okay…um…well, we've discussed mating as one possibility for the appearance of so many weevils. Perhaps finding food? Their food supply is low and…damn, that feels good," Jack said as the Doctor continued his massage. "Let me guess, you were taught by an expert masseuse."

"Of course," the Doctor said, kneading his muscles.

"So…we need to go out and investigate and…damn, that feels so good."

"Yeah, you said that," Ianto said.

"I know but…damn…you need to do this as a sideline to time traveling," Jack said to the Doctor. "One of the best massages I ever had in my life."

"I try," the Doctor said as he kneaded the muscles.

Gwen looked at Rose who was still standing in the TARDIS doorway.

"You wanna sit down? Tea?" she said to Rose.

Rose shrugged and nodded. She walked towards Gwen, glancing at Jack who by now had abandoned his report to enjoy the massage.

"Earth to Jack," Tosh said when he began to relax and close his eyes. "Yoo-hoo! Weevils?"

"Screw the weevils," Jack murmured as he relaxed. "Get Andy to take care of them or Rhys or that bitchy lady who…"

He trailed off and fell silent while the Doctor continued his massage. Gwen glanced at Rose and stood up from her chair.

"Come on, might as well make tea for you since Jack is now going into a deep slumber," she said to Rose as she led her towards the kitchen.

Owen sighed angrily when Jack's mouth dropped open and he moaned.

"Hey! Hello, mate! We're still here!" Owen said, clicking his fingers.

"Yeah," Jack murmured as he leaned his head back. "Go and…do something with the weevils, I'll be right behind ya…oh yeah, deeper, Doctor, deeper…deep…tissue…massage."

"Happy?" the Doctor said to Jack while he massaged his shoulders.

"Very…" Jack murmured, his head tilted back and his eyes closed.

Jack frowned when the Doctor let up on the massage and started playing with his hair.

"What are you doing?" Jack asked, opening one eye.

"Arranging your hair follicles into a more pleasing pattern," the Doctor said. "If I have to look at your hair while I give you a massage, I want to look at a hairstyle that pleases me."

"Um…yeah," Jack said, closing his eye.

He raised his eyebrow when the Doctor put his hands on Jack's cheeks.

"What is this? Arranging my cheeks to your liking?" Jack said, his eyes closed.

"Jack, open your eyes. Rose says this whole thing's a practical joke," Gwen said as she and Rose came back into the room.

"What? Practical…"

Jack gasped when the Doctor screamed out, "DANGY PANGY DITCH DESH DOODLE!" into his ear and his eyes snapped open.

"Damn you, Doctor!" Jack said while the Doctor sniggered and patted his head. "For someone who claims to be so ancient and superior, you sure can act like a kid sometimes."

"There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes," the Doctor said, shrugging.

"Well that explains why you bounce around and act like you're two then," Jack said, sitting straight up. "So are you here to help us with the weevil problem or are you just being an ass?"

"Well, I mainly came here to be an ass but I suppose since nothing else is going on, I could help you," the Doctor said, rocking back and forth on his heels.

"Well, that's awfully big of you," Jack said.

"Yes, it is awfully big of me, isn't it?" the Doctor agreed. "But enough with tooting my horn…Gwen, where is the kitchen. I feel like a cuppa now."

So we spent the day trying to help Torchwood with their weevil problem, except PC Andy's report exaggerated the threat. It ended up that people were panicking and telling the police there were more weevils than there were and we only found three of them in the end. They landed up in the cell block at Torchwood and Jack is going to figure out what to do with them and...

Rose raised her head when she felt the Doctor's hands on her shoulders.

"Tense, so very tense," the Doctor murmured as he kneaded the muscles in her shoulders. "Must eliminate stress…and check to make sure she isn't writing mean things about me in her blog thing."

"I'm not writing things about ya…mean things anyway," Rose said.

"Oh so you're telling your electronic diary about my practical joke. Yet you failed to mention it was brilliant. Typical of your whinging that you neglected to say I was brilliant!"

"You weren't brilliant; you embarrassed me and made yourself look like a fool in front of Jack's team."

The Doctor gave her a peeved look and Rose shrugged.

"Just tellin' ya the truth," she said.

She gasped when the Doctor ran around the sofa, plopped down beside Rose and seized her laptop. Rose sighed angrily when he began to write in her blog.

I am the Doctor and this is me writing. Rose is a harpy harridan who doesn't like fun. I try to cheer her up with jokes and she whinges about being embarrassed. She'll think embarrassment when she wakes up one morning and my bare bum is inches from her face. That's what I'll do! Strip naked one morning and wait till she wakes and moon her from three inches away and then we'll see who's the unfunny one! I am supreme! People worship and revere me and I rule the universe. And Rose is a prat and a muppet and she has a tooth that's slightly crooked on her lower jaw. The End.

"Feel better now, big baby?" Rose said, reading what he wrote after the Doctor leapt up and sauntered towards the living room door.

"One day, Tyler, you will wake up to my big lilly white bum wriggling in your face so be prepared!"

"Yeah, yeah, go massage a cactus and be quiet," Rose muttered as she hit backspace and erased the Doctor's entry.

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