Chapter Twenty Three

This isn't Rose writing, it's me, yours truly, the Doctor. I have "borrowed" Rose's laptop from her room and hacked into her blog account so I can have a bit of fun since meany mouth Rose writes bad things about me. So I will leave her something she's sure to see and have a laugh afterwards.

Where shall I begin? Shall I begin as David Copperfield did with my birth or shall I just let out a stream of naughty language that would make Chavzilla turn red with embarrassment? Perhaps I will do both and make a song of it. Here goes…

Arse, bloody, bollocks, cunt, Rose is such a little runt. Whinge, wanker, dooky doo, I'm so much better than Rose plus two. Chav, prat, boffin boo, Scooby Dooby Dooby Doo!

There! I have created a song from my brilliant little mind. I amaze even myself sometimes. And now for my life story…

I was loomed in a loom in a building on Gallifrey. I grew up and became supreme and one day I met this waif called Rose who was working a minimum wage job in a stupid department store while she dreamed about meeting someone such as myself. I took pity on the poor boob and asked her to join me because I couldn't stand to see her sorrowful, pity me world, expression. She joined me and I began to mold her into my disciple, a willing acolyte who would bow down and worship me in every way. And she has become such. I am the sun, moon, stars and asteroids to her and she knows it. The End.

Wow, that was very concise but to tell a tale about my life history would require more memory space than this cheap little laptop has so I kept it to the basic facts. But Rose knows I am the biggest thing since sliced bread and we'll leave it at that.

Now, what else should I do? Should I post complicated algorithms for her to solve? Shall I wax poetic about the universe or should I use more naughty words.

Naughty words it is then…

Boobs, tits, tee-tas, jugs, headlights, melons, gazungas, bazoombas.

Hmm, seem to be stuck on breasts there but that's because I enjoy looking at Rose's. They fill me with glee. But carrying on with the naughty words…

Arsehole, fanny, vagina, cunt, snatch, beaver, penis, dick, womb broom, stiffy…

Eh, this is getting boring. I think I'll make up another song…

I am the Doctor and you are Rose.
You have a large and ungainly nose.
You lie in bed and snore all day.
The noise you make scares Daleks away.
You fart until the room just stinks.
If you meet a Weeping Angel, please don't blink.

There! Wasn't that brilliant! Rose will have so much fun reading all this, I'm sure! Especially since it comes from me! Hmmm, what else can I do to entertain her? Oh, I know! I will attempt another snippet of naughty, porn fanfiction. Haven't done that in awhile. Here goes…

Rose opened her bedroom door and noticed it was unusually dark inside. The lights from the roundels had all been extinguished and she couldn't even see her hand in front of her ape face. But there was something inside the room. She could hear heavy, seductive breathing of the sort that you usually find in porn films and books and audio files and what have you. Anyway, Rose called out to the heavy breather and a silky, seductive voice answered her.

"Come to me, fly. For I am spider", little ole me said to her in a husky voice that is usually heard in those porn films and such.

Rose, being Rose, couldn't resist my magnificent voice so she ripped off her clothes, pounced onto my erect penis and had a go. And we made love all night long as usually depicted in porn films and books and audio files and the like.

The End.

Wow, this whole typing things into a blog is very boring when you really don't have much to say. Course I would never waste my time on such a trivial thing as a blog but Rose is from the lower order of species and they like things like this. Still, I suppose it's fine for writing down things you might want to read later…except why would you want to go back and read about things you've already done? Isn't that what memories are for? Not to mention I don't appreciate Rose writing mean things about me and making me look bad. I don't whinge about her night and day to the TARDIS and have the TARDIS repeat what I said back to her so why does she malign me here? What is her problem? I have given her room and board and my body on occasion and yet, I am the bad guy in her little bloggy thing. Why, I ask you, why? Why am I the villain? Why am I always at fault? Why is Rose so ungrateful? Why?

I consider myself warm and cuddly with just a dash of mystery thrown in. I certainly don't consider myself to be the son of a bitch that Rose thinks I am. I have given everything to her and she doesn't appreciate one tiddle of my generosity. I AM GIVING, DAMN IT! WHY CAN'T ROSE SEE THIS? WHY CAN'T ROSE SEE WHAT A COOL CHAPPIE I AM? WHY?

Only joking, Rose. Just writing things to be writing things but I know these blogs are used for ranting so that's what the above entry was. My rant on why you don't fall to your knees and stare at me in awe. Tee hee. I am worthy of awe-filled worship, you know. I am of the higher species and you of the lower which is why I must save your planet eighty bajillion times over. Your planet would have been a pile of ash by now if it wasn't for little ole me.

But anyway, I'm bored now and slightly hungry so I'll leave off here and put the laptop back and go find something to eat. I hope you won't take offense to this, Rose. I thought you might enjoy reading someone else's entry besides your own. And please remember to keep your room tidy and not be a slob, otherwise I might have to use a mind scrambler on you to teach you a lesson!

Only joking. Tee hee. You know me, always the jokester. Well, not sure how to end this properly so let me know when you find this message and let me know what you think. Ta ta!


(One day later…)

The Doctor stood at his console whistling cheerfully when Rose suddenly walked into the room. The Doctor tilted his head and smiled at her as Rose came up to him. Suddenly, Rose dashed to his backside and the Doctor grunted when she gave him a swift kick in the butt.

"I found your entry and I just let you know what I thought of it," she said before walking away.

"A simple I hated what you wrote would have sufficed, Rose," the Doctor said angrily, rubbing his aching butt and glaring at Rose who was leaving the room and heading back to her bedroom.

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