Chapter Twenty Eight

Okay, a bit more to report on the Doctor's weirdness and weird sense of humor. I swear the man keeps trying to make me laugh or throw me off my guard or make me question his sanity. It must be the tactic he uses against his enemies or something.

Anyway, I was in the lounge again, minding my own business when the Doctor comes into the room with this confused look on his face…

Rose looked at the Doctor when he wandered into the room. She'd been reading a magazine while she lay on the sofa. She was about to say hello when he wandered over to her side.

"Should I have the butter?" he asked her.

"I'm sorry?" Rose said.

"Should I have the butter?"

"Um…I don't know," Rose said.

"I should have the butter, except I don't want the butter. But maybe I do want the butter. So…should I have the butter?" he babbled as he looked down at her.

Rose stared at him, not sure how to answer that.

"Have the butter, Doctor," she finally said.

"Should I?"

Rose stared at him while the Doctor stared back with wide eyes. For a moment, Rose was scared that he'd finally gone off his trolley. She was about to say something when he suddenly walked away, muttering to himself about having the butter. He then walked around in a small circle, muttering about should he have the butter while Rose sat up and stared at him.

"Doctor," Rose finally said.

"Hm?" the Doctor said, stopping and giving her an expectant look.

"What's going on?" she said.

"Should I have the butter?" he said.

"I don't know, what do you want to do with the butter?" Rose said.

The Doctor stared at her for a moment.

"Butties," he finally said.

"What about them?" Rose said.

"I want a buttie but should I have butter with my buttie?"

"Um…I would," Rose said.

"Really? Because what if the cholesterol causes my hearts to clog up and explode?"

"Then…don't have a buttie," Rose said.

"But I want one but I don't know if I should have butter with the buttie so should I have butter?"

Rose suddenly burst out laughing at the absurdity of the conversation.

"What's so funny? This is crucial to my health, you know," the Doctor said.

"Have a buttie but leave the butter out of it," Rose said.

"But it's a chip buttie and I like butter with me buttie. Should I have the butter?"

"Doctor, chips cause cholesterol and clog your heart so what does it matter if you have butter with your buttie if it's chips," Rose said.

The Doctor stared at her with wide eyes.

"I'm not sure I follow," he finally said.

Rose growled with exasperation and giving up, flopped back onto the sofa. She picked up her magazine and tried to read it but the Doctor wandered over and bent over to look at her.

"I'm not sure I follow," he repeated.

"Doctor, don't eat things that cause cholesterol if you're worried about your health," she said, laying the magazine down on her lap as she looked up at him.

"But I want a buttie," the Doctor said.

"Then leave the butter out of it," Rose said.

"But I like butter on me buttie."

"Doctor, you're irritating me and making me want to punch you in the face."

"I'm only asking your opinion. I value your opinion greatly."

"I told you my opinion but you keep insisting that you need your buttie and your butter so go eat one!" Rose said.

"Can I get your valued opinion on another matter?" the Doctor said.

"Will you listen to me if I give it?"

"Depends on the nature of your advice. If you tell me to use a flamethrower on the pimple on me bum, I won't do it."

Rose was in shock for a few seconds.

"Huh?" she said, not sure she heard him correctly.

"I have a pimple on me bum. How do I remedy that?"

Rose made a face at that. To her horror, the Doctor started to undo his trousers.

"I'll show you what it looks like so you can give me your opinion," he said as he unzipped his fly.

"Doctor, no, I don't want to see the pimple on your arse!" Rose said.

"Then how do I remedy it?" he said. "I don't want to sit down and have it burst like a blister and infect me from the burst pimple and I die from a bum infection."

Rose was just at a loss for words for that. The Doctor finished zipping up his trousers and waited for her say something.

"Doctor, just…go," Rose said, pointing to the door.

"I'm afraid to sit down and I'm afraid to eat butter. I helped you escape from all sorts of evil things; surely you can assist me with these matters."

"Okay," Rose said, holding up her hands. "I'll go find a huge hatpin and pop the pimple and get some of that fake butter stuff and make you a non-butter, butter buttie. Will this solve everything to your liking?"

"Well, there is the toilet. It's running over and I need someone to remedy that. How are you at plumbing?"

Rose gave him a withering look. The Doctor snickered and gave her a hug.

"Just taking the mickey from ya, Rose. Bored and needed a laugh. I'll leave you alone before I drive you barking mad now. Cheers, my bestest mate."

Yes, that was another sample of the mad, mad world the Doctor inhabits and his idea of amusement. However, I have to say that sometimes the things he does rubs off on me and I end up using them myself. A few days later, we were home visiting Mum and…

Jackie was sitting in her chair sipping tea while the Doctor sat on the sofa, doing the same. Rose was puttering about in the kitchen but suddenly she came outside and walked over to her mother, a confused look on her face.

"Mum?" she said, walking over to Jackie.

"Yeah?" Jackie said.

"Should I have the butter?"

The Doctor was drinking his tea and nearly choked on it when he heard that. He lowered his cup and bit his lip when he saw the confusion on Jackie's face. He glanced up and noticed Rose was giving her the same wide-eyed look he'd used on her.

"Should you have the butter?" Jackie said to Rose. "For what?"

"I want a buttie but I'm afraid to use the butter because it might clog my heart and make it explode. But I love butter on me buttie so should I have the butter?"

The Doctor put his hand over his mouth at the completely perplexed look on Jackie's face.

"I don't know, do I? Just go and have a buttie," Jackie said.

"But I don't want my heart to explode. But I love butter so should I have the butter?"

Jackie stared at her daughter in disbelief while the Doctor sat his cup down on the saucer sitting on the table beside him and stood up, intending to go somewhere where he could laugh at Jackie.

"I swear to God, you are getting more insane with each passing day," Jackie said to her daughter. "You act like him, he'd say something like that butter nonsense."

"Him? Oh no, Mum, he'd never say something like that," Rose said, shaking her head.

"Right, I'm off to the TARDIS. I suddenly have a…pimple on me bum that needs popping. Have fun with the butter and the butties, Rose."

Rose giggled while Ten walked out the door.

"Mad as hatters, the pair of ya," she said, shaking her head while Rose snickered.

So you see, dear blog readers, sometimes what the Doctor does comes in quite handy for a little giggle of my own. Until next time, ta-ra!

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