Chapter Thirty Six

The Doctor gets bored easily and now that I've traveled with him and seen time and space, I share that boredom at times. That's why we sometimes invent games to amuse ourselves. One game we have is called Random Word Insults. We take random words and make them sound like insults. We try to make them as bizarre as we possibly can for giggles. I'll give you an example. The other morning, I was fixing breakfast for myself inside the TARDIS kitchen...

Rose flipped over a couple of eggs in the skillet. She was trying to fix herself an English breakfast. Before she met the Doctor she rarely ate a huge breakfast like this but nowadays she needed the energy to run from monsters and do other tasks, not to mention sometimes they went hours without a proper meal. While she was doing this, the Doctor strolled into the room.

"Howdy ho," he said as he walked over to the refrigerator. "Ready for adventures galore?"

"No, I'm ready for eggs."

The Doctor grinned as he opened the fridge door.

"You don't need eggs, Moth Muncher, your bum is already big," he teased as he perused the inside of the fridge.

Rose grinned.

"At least I have a bum, Time Travel Douchbag," she said. "Yours is so flat you could hang posters on it."

"That means I'm slim and trim then, Eyeball Fart," the Doctor said, taking the milk out of the fridge and closing the door.

"Perhaps in the bum, Diarrhea Doorknob, but not in the stomach," Rose said as she finished her eggs and added them to the other items in her English breakfast.

"You're just jealous because I'm muscular and Schwarzaneggerian, Penguin Portaloo," the Doctor said.

"If that's muscular, I'd hate to see flabby," Rose said as she put all her food on a plate.

She waited for the Doctor to respond to that and glanced over her shoulder when he remained silent.

"You didn't call me something," the Doctor said when he saw her questioning look.

"Words fail me when I think of how daft and twatty you are," Rose said.

"Is that so, Hippo Hernia?" the Doctor said as he poured himself a glass of milk.

"That's Pumpkin Poo," Rose said as she carried her plate to the table.

"You hesitated there," the Doctor said as he leaned back against the kitchen counter and sipped his milk. "Brain seize up on ya, Panty Raid?"

"No, it freaked out when it saw how ugly you were, Muppet Dildo," Rose replied as she put some salt on her food.

"At least I'm not a chav, Gallifrey Ding Dong Douchbag."

"At least I'm not a twat, Tesco Ball Bat," Rose said.

"That's an awful lot of food on your plate, Felatio Cum Kwat," the Doctor said. "Sure you want to eat all that and grow larger, Sumo Wrestler Eating Machine?"

"At least I eat, Kate Moss Anorexia," Rose said.

"On the contrary, I do eat, Cave Mouth Large Opening," the Doctor said. "But I eat sensibly, Heart Attack Waiting To Happen."

"At least I eat something other than bugs, Alien Food Gross Barf," Rose said.

"I don't eat bugs, Idiot Daft Racist Stereotyper, that would be silly," the Doctor said.

"No, you're silly, E.T. Predator Alf Wookie," Rose replied.

"Is that so, Caveman Neanderthal Ape Retard?"

"That's so, Jealous Twat Wanker Kangeroo."

"Wanker kangeroo?" the Doctor muttered while Rose snorted laughter. " least I'm good looking, Koala Rapist Emu Bestiality."

"That's debatable, Eunuch Castration No Bits Castrato."

"Are you threatening me and my John Thomas, Hysterical Female Menstruation PMT?"

"Maybe, Testosterone Alien Probe Anal."

"I'm warning you; don't threaten me, Anal Probe Bum Victim."

"Oh yeah, I'm so scared, Oncoming Storm Ha That's A Laugh All Right Alien Twat Monster."

"I'll just wait till you're not looking then, Brain Chip Slobbering Slave."

"You better not, Cricket Bat Skull Damage Regenerate."

"Just wait, Venusian Aikido Dodge Cricket Bat Kill Rose."

"Yeah, I'll be trembling in fear until then, Poncy Pooftah Limp Wristed Girl."

So anyway, you get the idea. This sort of thing can go on for hours if we let it. But usually we let up after about 15 or 30 minutes. That's usually when Alien Boy's brain dries up from thinking anyway.

That so, Chav Choo Kangaroo?

Rose sighed when that appeared on her monitor.

When will you stop reading my blog from afar, Stalker Gaol Menace To Society, she typed.

When you stop saying meany mean things about me, Time Huntress Costume Now, the Doctor wrote back.

Rose rolled her eyes.

"Okay, I can see this will lead to a long argument so I'm stopping the blog right now before I have to hear about the bloody Time Huntress costume again," she said as she saved what she wrote and turned off her computer.

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