SCARIEST PLACE ON EARTH

A/N: There used to be this show on TV called Scariest Places on Earth that was hosted by Linda Blair (Regan in The Exorcist) and narrated by Zelda Rubinson (Tangina in Poltergeist). They showed different scary places but every other show they had a group of five people, usually a family, go in and explore haunted places and spend the night inside them without wussing out. The person conducting these was Alan Robson, a DJ who has a radio show in England. Alan was supposedly a paranormal expert and before the family went inside, he'd intimidate them and taunt them for being scared and would be very dramatic and a bit over the top. A friend and I used to make fun of him and even wrote some fanfiction crossovers with Scariest Places. I think I did Monty Python and Fleetwood Mac and my friend did Stargate SG-1. Anyway, I thought it'd be fun to do one for Doctor Who for Halloween. This is a crack fic and isn't canon since I'm just grouping together five DW characters that I think would be interesting to watch if this were filmed for television. Hope you enjoy it!

Chapter One

"I'm Linda Blair and tonight on Scariest Places on Earth, five friends are daring to spend the night in Chillingham Castle in Northumberland. One of the most horrifying castles on Earth. Will they be able to survive the night without…dying of fright? We join Alan Robson outside Chillingham Castle to await their arrival.

Alan Robson stood outside Chillingham Castle waiting for the van to arrive that would bring the five friends to Chillingham Castle. It was just after dark and a huge bonfire lit up the area. Then he heard the sound of a car coming down the dirt driveway and watched as the passenger van pulled up. He walked to it while a male driver got out, walked around and opened the side door.

"This is daft," the Tenth Doctor said, climbing out of the van, "why are we even here? There's no such thing as ghosts."

"Oh, come on, Doctor," Rose said, climbing out after him, "just play along, this'll be fun."

"Oh yeah," Jack said as he climbed out after her. "Drafty castle, lots of bats and rats and we get to stumble around in the dark. Whee!"

"Come on, Jack, It'll be fun, just play along," Martha said as she climbed out with Donna.

"I just hope I don't stumble and fall in here," Donna said, gesturing to the castle. "Or I'll be suing the pants off these people."

The Doctor noticed Alan Robson and extended his hand towards him.

"Hello, I'm the Doctor," he said, walking towards him.

Alan didn't shake his hand, only gave him an intense look while the Doctor returned it with a confused look. He looked down at his hand.

"My hands are clean, I washed up before we came here," he said.

"You do not believe in…spirit," he said in an ominous tone of voice.

"Oh? Is it that obvious?" the Doctor said while his friends came up behind him. "Yeah, I don't. I think everything can be explained scientifically. I'm only here because this lot dared me to go. I'm not expecting to see anything and…what are you doing?" he said when people walked up to them and began to strap harnesses on their bodies.

"These are cameras and lights, they will record your faces while you explore," Alan said to him.

"Shouldn't they be pointing out so they can record the ghosts?" Jack said before he caught a glimpse of the young man with blonde hair strapping his camera to him. "Well, hello there, Jack Harkness and you are…"

"Jack, leave the technicians alone," the Doctor yelled over his shoulder. "Sorry, he loves to flirt with random people," he added to Alan.

"You…have come here tonight because you are hoping to find spirit," Alan said, addressing everyone.

"No, actually I just said I was here on a dare. I hope to find nothing," the Doctor said, raising his finger in the air.

"Doctor, for Christ's sake, play along," Rose said, rolling her eyes.

"Fine, fine…eeek, I'm afraid!" the Doctor said in a monotone voice. "Oh, what horrors await me tonight, eek, eek."

Rose glanced at Martha and Donna and the three of them rolled their eyes. Donna turned her head back and was startled when she saw Alan in front of her staring at her intently.

"You…do not believe in spirit," he said to her.

"Um…probably not, but I do believe in mouthwash and you need some, mate, because your breath stinks," Donna said, backing up a few paces.

"Tonight, you will see spirit, you will believe," Alan said to Donna.

"And I will sue if I fall down in the dark and break my bones so just be aware of that," Donna said.

Alan moved to Martha.

"You…do not believe in spirit," he said to her.

"Ugh, Donna's right, you need a breath mint or something," Martha said, making a face.

"Tonight…you will believe," Alan said.

"I listened to Night Owls before and I don't remember him acting like Bela Lugosi," Martha said to Donna.

"Well, the radio show is popular which is good since I'll get lots of publicity and sympathy if I fall and become disabled," she replied.

Rose folded her arms over her chest and gave Robson a challenging look while the Doctor watched.

"You…are a believer," he said to her.

"Well, yeah, since I'm the one that thought this up," Rose said. "I've listened to Night Owls before, nice to meet ya."

Alan ignored that and Rose rolled her eyes when he moved towards Jack. The Doctor raised his eyebrow when he saw the lustful gleam in Jack's eye.

"You…do not believe," Alan said to Jack.

"Nope but hey, are you single? We could go to a pub and have a pint after this is all over. You could tell me some stories about working on Night Owls while we drink. How about it?"

Alan turned away without answering him and walked over to the bonfire.

"I suppose that was a no, Jack?" the Doctor said to him.

"He'll come around, I just have to turn on my charm. He's too busy trying to scare us at the moment," Jack said with a shrug.

While they listened to Robson describing the castle, someone moved in the darkness behind him. Unknown to everyone, the Master stood just outside the circle of light, his black hoodie helping to hide him. He smirked while he stared at the Doctor.

"So, out for a little night of fun, Doctor?" he muttered to himself while he kept his eyes on his adversary. "You won't think it's so fun when I get through with you."

"This castle has a history of death and torture," Alan was saying to them. "You must explore it all in your search for spirit, particularly…the torture chamber."

"Torture chamber, eh?" the Master muttered to himself. "I'd like to explore the Doctor's body in the torture chamber, Mister Melodramatic Human, can I do that?"

"Many people have been tortured and many died in here," Robson said, pacing in front of them. "This place was a killing machine. Do you think you're brave enough to spend the night in here?"

"If I do, can we have a pint in the morning?" Jack asked.

"Look," the Doctor said to Robson, "a lot of these so-called hauntings is imagination or natural noises that people mistake for spooky noises. You're trying to instill fear in us right now so we'll be more susceptible and start wildly imagining things that aren't there!"

"Before you go in, you must conduct a ritual to summon the spirits to you," Alan said. "You must each take a candle and a mirror and put a drop of chicken blood inside the candle while you read a summoning chant."

"Wait, is this voodoo?" Donna said. "They said nothing about voodoo. There are going to be actual lights in this place, yeah? I don't wanna fall down the stairs and join the ghosts in there!"

"Come with me and we'll conduct the ritual," Alan said, beckoning to them.

"Rose, why did you talk me into this," the Doctor muttered to her while they followed Robson.

"Because I thought it'd be fun," Rose said. "I saw the show on one of your cable channels and I thought we could do it for a laugh. Is it gonna kill ya to spend the night in a haunted castle?"

"No, it won't kill me, It'll bore me," the Doctor said. "And this ritual we have to do, are we going to kill the chicken to get at the blood because I like this suit. If we have to kill the chicken, I want something to cover this suit so it won't get blood on it."

"Christ, Doctor," Rose said, her eyes going skyward.

"Just ignore him, Rose, have a good time," Martha said as she and Donna passed by her.

"It's hard to have a good time with a bloody camera in my face," the Doctor said. "And what if I have to use the loo. Does this place have a loo and can I take the camera off when I use it because I don't want the world watching my face while I use the bog!"

"Oh, I don't know, I think I'd enjoy watching your straining to get that piece of shit into the toilet bowl face."

"Oh, shut up, Jack," the Doctor said while Jack sniggered.

While they were walking over to the ritual area, the Master was just outside the circle of light watching them with a sneer on his face.

"Just wait till you get inside the castle, Doctor," he muttered as he watched them. "You're gonna find more than ghosts waiting for you in there and it won't be pleasant, I guarantee it!"

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