Chapter Four

The Ninth Doctor and Rose lay together in his bed while they enjoyed a little cuddle. Jack was doing other things and Nine wanted to take advantage of that to enjoy some alone time with the woman he loved. Both of them were naked and laying under a white sheet. Rose's blonde hair cascaded down her right cheek while she gazed into Nine's eyes. Nine moved the hair away and laid his hand on her cheek.

"Doctor," Rose said softly while Nine smiled tenderly.

He leaned forward and kissed her lips. Rose sighed and returned the kiss. While she kissed him, she ran her hands up his chest to his shoulders and then down his arms.

"Well, it seems I was right about this particular relationship."

Rose gasped and she pulled away from the Doctor when she heard a woman's voice. She and Nine looked at the front of the bed and saw a woman standing there.

"No wonder you wanted to kill me the last time," River said to Rose.


"Who are you?" Rose said to River.

River backed up towards the closed door.

"If I say who I am will you stay in bed and not throttle me?" she asked.


"I'm coming! I don't have a woman in here," Jack said outside the door.

He opened the door and froze when he took in the scene before him. River turned to him and her mouth formed a silent "Ooo…" as she gazed at him.

"Jack, who is this?" Nine said, pointing to River.

"I don't know, I've never seen her before in my life," Jack said.

"You didn't bring her on board?" Nine said.

"No, I was in the kitchen eating a sandwich. I was nowhere near a woman," Jack said.

"Where did you come from then?" Nine said to River. "How'd you get in my TARDIS?"

"Oh, I know a little trick to get in here," River said. "River Song is my name. I would kiss you but the attack dog is at your side and I don't want more bruises on my back."

"Excuse me?" Rose said angrily. "Attack dog, is that what you called me?"

River looked at Jack while Rose gave her a look of death.

"Eh, you'll do for this round," she said with a shrug before launching herself at Jack.

Jack staggered back when she flung herself into his arms. Nine sighed angrily when Jack recovered from the shock and wrapped his arms around River.

"Not his woman, eh?" Nine said to Rose while Jack turned River and pushed her up against the wall beside the door.

Nine and Rose watched while the two of them snogged against his bedroom wall.

"Excuse me," Nine finally said. "Could you take it somewhere else? Rose and I don't want to watch you."

"Mmmph," Jack said, shrugging while River played tonsil hockey with him.

"Lady, if you don't leave this instant, I'll make you leave and it won't be pleasant!" Nine yelled at River.

River quickly broke off the kiss.

"Okay, I'm going, don't want the attack dog on me again," River said over her shoulder while Jack gasped.

She tried to step back but Jack held her firmly in his arms and waggled his eyebrows at her.

"Round two, in my bedroom?" he said hopefully.

"Ooo, it's tempting but I better not. I have other Doctors to see. But could you let me go?" she said sweetly.

Jack put his arms down at his sides. He did a double take when he saw her manipulator.

"Wait, are you a time agent?" he said excitedly.

"Nah, I freelance, sweetie," River said to him.

She finished programming in the coordinates and hesitated a moment. Then she sprinted around to Nine's side of the bed, quickly kissed his cheek and activated her manipulator before Rose could do anything to her.


"I know who I am!" the Eighth Doctor proclaimed before he kissed Grace Holloway passionately.

He pulled away, a triumphant look on his face.

"I…am…the Doctor!" he said.

"Good!" Grace said. "Now do that again."

Eight grinned and kissed her again. Grace put her arms around him and was totally into the kiss when suddenly they heard a woman's voice saying…

"My God, you're the biggest man whore I've ever seen in my life!"

Eight jerked his head back and turned around. River was directly behind him, arms folded over her chest while she glared at him.

"I'm beginning to think my whole theory of you being a space pimp was correct," River said while Eight and Grace stared at her in a stunned silence. "I'm shocked you decided to marry me. After all, why buy the bloody cow when you can have the milk for free, right?"

"Who the hell are you?" Grace said.

"I'm the pissed off future wife who is realizing just how much of a philanderer my future husband is," River said.

"Future wife?" Grace said to Eight.

"I don't know who this is," Eight said in a slightly shrill voice.

"It's a good thing you don't know otherwise I'd coldcock you for being a shameless gigalo," River said to him. "I didn't think I was the first woman you ever kissed or even bedded but bloody hell, sweetie. Makes me wonder if I should get tested for every disease in the universe after seeing all this. This whole snog the Doctor thing has been a real eye opener for me."

She looked at Eight and smiled.

"Okay, so you are cute in this life," she continued. "At least you don't look four hundred years old or you just came from an explosion at a paint factory. And the clothes actually flatter you which is more than I can say for some of your outfits. So I guess I can forgive ginger here for kissing you but exactly how many have there been before her, two hundred, three hundred?"

"Look, I don't know who you are but this isn't what it looks like," Eight said. "I was overjoyed at remembering who I was and I got caught up in the moment and kissed her."

"And when you were lying naked in bed with the attack dog, was that another celebration as well?" River said.

"Huh?" Eight said.

"Never mind, never mind," River said. "Anyway, since you're being so generous with the kisses…"

She walked up and kissed him while Grace watched in disbelief. She quickly finished the kiss, sensing that Grace might turn into another attack dog. Grace came up beside Eight and they watched while River stepped back and programmed her manipulator.

"I'm going and I better not find you in the middle of a harem when I find your next life," she said to Eight before she activated her manipulator.

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