SOMETHING OLD, SOMETHING NEW
Chapter Ten After eating, Jackie went back to the inn while Rose and Alan climbed back up the hill to the boulder. “Well, that went well,” Alan said, dryly. “Well, I didn’t think she would just agree to us leaving without a fight,” Rose replied. “Yeah, but she really has no say in the matter, you’re right, you’re an adult and it’s your decision.” “I know, but she’s still my mum and she’s just worried about me. And…she’d still be worried even if she didn’t think you were a threat to the universe. What we’re about to do is a huge risk.” “Martha did it by herself and she managed to survive,” Alan said, sitting down on the boulder. “She did?” Rose said, sitting down beside him. “When was that?” Alan put his arm around her and told her about the year that never was. Rose’s eyes grew wider and wider the longer he went on. “Oh my God,” she said when he finally finished after about an hour. “God, the Doctor…oh God, poor Doctor and Jack and Martha and her family. And after all that, he still wanted the Master to survive, so he wouldn’t be alone.” Rose put her head in her hands when she felt the tears start to fall. Alan put his hand on her back and rubbed it. “Oh God,” she moaned into her hands. “I would have given anything to have been there with him.” “No, trust me, this was one time when it was better that you were stuck here. He never would have survived if the Master had done something to you. In fact, through it all, he was glad you weren’t there.” Rose sniffed and looked at him. “Do…do you feel anything when you remember things he did?” she said. Alan shook his head. “No, they’re not my memories, so I’m not emotionally invested in them. What I just described, all the torture and anguish and heartache is no more upsetting to me than remembering a twenty year old paper cut. It’s kinda like narrating someone else’s story.” “Then how come you feel love for me?” He took her hands. “Because the love you two had for each other goes much deeper than mere memories. You imprinted yourself on his soul and when I was born, that carried over. What I just described doesn’t affect me, but when I think about you, my heart beats faster and I feel complete and utter love because you’re as much as part of me as my insides are. I’m also glad you weren’t imprisoned that year because I would have been the same. If that had been me, I would have been tormented to the core of my being, especially since I was old and feeble and couldn’t protect you from the Master. But, you see, there was so much anger at not being able to protect his friends and not being able to fight back against the Master and that is another thing he shoved down inside him once it was over.” “You…you were talking about that and you mentioned a Valeyard? You were going to tell me what that was.” Alan sighed, knowing the moment had finally come. He squeezed her hands. “Rose, please understand that what I’m about to tell you isn’t set in stone yet. The Valeyard is only one of many possible futures that the Doctor has. It tears me up inside to even talk about it, knowing that you love him. But, you have to know the truth, so you can be prepared if this future does come to pass and we’re both threatened.” Rose’s blood chilled at that, but she forced herself to nod and let Alan speak. Alan took another deep breath and began to tell her about the Valeyard. He let it all out, holding nothing back, being brutally honest about the Doctor’s dark side knowing that one day Rose might have to fight his evil incarnation. His heart sank when he saw the mounting fear and disbelief in her eyes, but he kept on talking and telling her the truth of what could possibly be in the Doctor’s future. When Rose began to cry, he stopped himself, but she begged him to go on and tell her everything and so, reluctantly, he continued. When he was finished, he fell silent and let her digest it all. “God,” she said, when she finally found her voice. “I…can’t believe that he might turn evil after all the times he fought against it.” “He’s a good man, Rose. He really is, but he can’t let things go. He carries around all this anger and pain and guilt. He takes on burdens that aren’t his to bear and it’s slowly eating away at him, bit by bit, until he becomes a stranger even to himself. Now like I said, it may not happen. He may be able to fight it and stop the Valeyard from coming. I hope to God that he can. I have no desire to fight him and I don’t want to see you fight him either.” “Would…would he…hurt me?” Alan sighed. “I don’t know. Whenever he’s fought him, the Valeyard always targeted his companions in order to make him suffer. But, with you, I don’t know if the love he feels for you would be able to prevent you from being tortured and killed. Like I said, I’m in no hurry to find out.” Rose fell silent while Alan stroked her back. He swallowed hard. “Rose, I’m sorry if I upset you with all this,” he said. “I tried to put off telling you because I knew it would be disturbing to hear. Please don’t be mad at me for--“ “No, I’m not mad,” Rose said, quickly. “I’m just thinking.” “About what?” .“When the Doctor and I were prisoners on the Crucible, Davros was taunting the Doctor and at one point told him that even though he abhors violence and doesn’t carry a weapon, he makes us, his companions, into weapons and uses us to fight.” “Do you believe that?” “I…I don’t know. I…never thought of myself as the Doctor’s weapon, but…I guess…in a way, I am. At the time he said that, Martha was preparing to blow up the Earth and Jack was going to blow up the Crucible and they were all prepared to die.” “And how did the Doctor react to what Davros said? What did he say?” Rose shook her head. “Nothing. He just stood there in shock. And Davros asked him how many had died in his name. He told him that the Doctor keeps running and never looks back out of shame and he had finally shown the Doctor his true self.” “Davros has a point. I mean the man is a nutter, but he’s not an idiot. You can’t create an entire race and control it without some degree of intelligence. What you just told me fits in exactly with what I told you. The Doctor knows the darkness inside him and he does try to run from it because he doesn’t want to face the truth that someday he might become the Valeyard. He masks the anger and pain behind a happy-go-lucky persona; you know that all too well. And, I’ve actually been thinking some more about what he did with me and you know what I think? I think another reason I was dumped here was because I too showed him a glimpse of his darker side and he did to me exactly what Davros said he does whenever he’s faced with the truth. He ditched me and ran away as fast as he could. That’s why he couldn’t imprison me in the TARDIS somewhere because I would still be there, even if he couldn’t see me. Silently reminding him of what he is capable of. Perhaps he even senses that the darkness is drawing near and put you here to protect you, although…the Time Lords had ways of making a safe void crossing, so like I said, no guarantee we’ll be safe even if he does turn. But, right now, it’s useless to worry about it and live our lives in fear. When it happens, we’ll deal with it, but for now, let’s concentrate on us and the adventure that lies ahead, eh?” Rose nodded. “And now, if you don’t mind, I would like to lie on the ground because my bum hurts after sitting on this boulder. Sound good?” Rose nodded. Alan stood up, stretched his back and took off his jacket. “This isn’t as long as his coat,” he said, laying it on the grass in front of the boulder. “But, at least we can lay our upper bodies on it.” They lay down on it facing one another. “Ooooh, much better,” Alan sighed. “Yeah, my bum was starting to hurt too.” “You shoulda said something; I would have done this sooner.” “It’s alright, I was so busy listening to you talk that I didn’t notice my butt was hurting until you stopped.” “I was that spellbinding, eh?” “Yes, you were, just like him.” Alan considered that. “Rose, can I ask you a question?” “Sure.” “If the Doctor asked you to die for him, would you do it?” “Yes.” “Why?” Rose frowned. “Because…I love him and I would do anything for him.” “Would you do the same thing for Mickey?” “Die for him?” “Yes,” Alan said. Rose thought. “Maybe under certain circumstances,” she admitted. “But, there are some times you might not.” “I s’pose, why?” Alan took her hand. “This whole thing about you being a weapon for him, how not only you would die for him, but so would Sarah Jane and Jack and Martha and Donna and so many others whose lives he touched. Are you aware of just how much charisma the man possesses?” “I know that he can get people to listen to him and do what he wants.” “Exactly. The man has the ability to walk in a room and instantly take control of it, no matter who is in it or what their rank might be. It’s one of his greatest strengths and most of the time he’s unaware of exactly how much power he wields over people until he sees them willing to die for him. That’s why he was so shocked, Rose when he saw Martha and Jack willing to die without a second thought. He’s not aware of how charismatic he really is. The other reason that his companions are so loyal to him is because he shows them their true selves. All of you, without fail, were changed into something more than what you were before you met him. He changes the lives of his companions for good and this instills a fierce loyalty that surprises even him at times. Being a copy of him, I have the ability to tell you what he was thinking and feeling and let me say that he was just absolutely gobsmacked when you told him that you were willing to say goodbye to your mum forever just to be with him. He couldn’t understand why you risked your life to come back for him on the Gamestation and he couldn’t understand why you would abandon the people you love to spend the rest of your life by his side. But, it’s because he influenced you. Now, I’m not saying he did it deliberately because you aren’t his slave and you aren’t mine. But, the man was born to be a leader and people just naturally follow him, even if they aren’t totally clear on why they’re doing it, does that make sense?” “Perfect sense.” Alan nodded. He took her hand. “Now, take everything I just said and apply it to him if he becomes the Valeyard. Think of what he could do with his charismatic personality if he used it for evil instead of good. Imagine the people he could convince to fight and kill for him, the armies he could raise. An army of brainwashed soldiers all ready to conquer the universe at his command.” He nodded when Rose swallowed hard. “That is why some species fear him, why he could potentially be even more of a threat to the universe than the Daleks ever could. It’s not just his mind and his fighting ability that could be used as a weapon; it’s also his way with words and his ability to manipulate people and situations. He can either because the greatest force for good the universe has ever known or the greatest terror and it all rests in his hands. Only he can decide what path to take. And don’t think for one second that he will definitely choose to remain good. Everything that has happened, every pain and agony and loss is still buried inside him. Every time he watches someone die, every time he loses someone he cares about, every time he defeats a bad guy only to see him resurface somewhere else, his soul dies a tiny bit more. Little by little, the despair and depression and apathy is creeping into his mind and after awhile, there might come a day when he finally decides what’s the use of trying to fight the forces of evil when they just keep coming and coming and taking everything he holds dear. He pushes people away because he thinks it’ll spare them from sharing his torment, but all that does is make him even more despondent. He’s been alone ever since he was small and that mindset has never left him. The curse of the Time Lords, I can never let anyone get too close lest they get killed and I have to watch someone else die again. I can never love because everyone I love either grows old and dies or gets killed or leaves me. I can never feel true happiness because something will come along and take it from me.” He wiped away Rose’s tears. “All of these thoughts dwell in his mind constantly and it’s been getting worse and worse since his people were annihilated. The family and friends that he knew were all incinerated. His support system vanished in a ball of flame and he is the last of his kind, all on his own, fighting for what’s right even though he is never truly thanked and appreciated for his efforts. Every time he steps outside those TARDIS doors, there might be someone there waiting to capture, torture, persecute and kill him. All this is going on nonstop and there is just so much he can take before he finally snaps and decides, the hell with it and takes the easier, darker path. That’s why I’m making a conscious effort not to follow in his footsteps, why I’m willing to be completely open and honest with you, Rose. Because, I don’t want any part of that. None. I don’t want to live the one and only life I have weighed down with ten tons of burdens. I want a happy, fulfilling, fun life and I want you to have one too. You are not my minder, Rose. You are not Ms. DIY and you have no business trying to fix another individual and his problems. You need to worry about you, that is your job. I will sort out me, alright? I’m perfectly capable of handling my business. Now, I don’t mind if you listen to me and in fact, I think both of us could be each other’s shoulder to cry on. But, don’t spend every second of every day trying to change me. The change will come gradually like it did for him, but let me be the one in charge of the changing, okay?” Rose nodded. He smiled and kissed her. “Cor, I’m thirsty now for some odd reason,” she said as she giggled. “Fancy getting something to drink at our favorite Norwegian eatery?” “Sounds great.” “Well, then, let’s go so I can wet my whistle.” “Wait.” Rose said, grabbing his arm. “Hmmm?” “Can I ask you something?” “Rose, you can ask me anything and everything. I told you, I want to be completely open and honest. Nothing is out of bounds anymore.” Rose smiled. “Good, because this has been bugging me ever since I was reunited with the Doctor.” ‘Yes?” “Did…you….or he do something to himself while I was gone?” “Uh…no, not to my knowledge.” “It’s just that something is different about you and him and I can’t put my finger…” She lapsed into silence as she stared at him. Suddenly, her eyes widened. “Oh my God, I got it.” “What?” “Your hair,” she said putting her hand on the back of it. “You got it trimmed short on the back and sides.” Alan feigned terror. “Oh God, he touched the sacred hair. I’m sorry, please forgive us, we’ll grow it back!” Rose laughed. “No, actually, I like it like this. It looks good short. Brings out the tousle more.” “What is it with you and my hair?” “I just like it. It’s so cute. It’s your best feature.” “So you keep saying. I just would never have picked that. I mean he and I figured it was the bum or the eyes or the mouth that you fancied, but not the hair.” “It’s just so cute and I love running my fingers through it. Feels good.” “Well, by all means, run your fingers through it 24/7 if you want, don’t mind me.” She looked down at his trousers. “Also the blue suit. Never knew he owned a blue suit or maroon plimsols.” “Yeah, well, after you were taken from him, he abandoned the brown pinstripes for awhile. He didn’t feel right wearing them.” “I like blue on you. It brings out your eyes. And the t-shirt is nice too. Makes you look more laid back and casual, which I guess is what you’re going for?” “Yup.” “I like it, all of it. Every last bit of you is wonderful.” Alan grinned and kissed her. “Well, then, how about you and wonderful me go get something to drink.” “After you.” They both got up. Alan put his jacket back on, took her hand and they walked down the hill towards the town.
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