SOMETHING OLD, SOMETHING NEW
Chapter Forty By the time they got across the parking lot to the Wal-Mart, it was starting to rain again. Rose grabbed a shopping trolley, laid the two big bags of fast food inside it and they went inside the store. They looked around a moment before Rose headed off towards the grocery section. She got a can of Pringles and a bag of pretzels. “I’m gonna get some sandwich bags and make up little snack bags for us,” she said to Alan. “Good idea.” They went down another aisle and Rose got a couple of packages of biscuits and some cheddar cheese crackers. “Think this’ll be enough?” she asked. “It’s up to you.” “Well, you’re the one with the bigger stomach.” “Yeah, but I don’t wanna carry the entire market on my back. I think it’ll do for now.” Rose nodded. She found the section with the sandwich bags and got a small box. After that, they left the grocery section and headed towards the other side of the store. Alan followed behind Rose, casually glancing around at the different items. They passed by a domed khaki colored tent set up as a display in front of the camping section. “Hey, there ya go, we can use that on rainy days,” he said. Rose looked at where he was pointing and looked at him. “You gonna carry it?” she said, “cause I’m not.” Alan sighed. “You lot need to learn how to do the whole bigger on the inside thing so we can have stuff like this.” “Don’t talk to me, talk to the Earth scientists,” she said, moving on. She headed up towards the toiletries section. “Rose?” She stopped the trolley and looked around at Alan who was standing behind her with a disgusted look on his face. In his hands was a small ceramic frog wearing a straw hat and playing a banjo. “People actually pay money for this crap?” he said. Rose giggled. “Yup, sadly, some do.” “Well, what do you do with it?” She shrugged. “It’s a statue.” “No, Venus Di Milo is a statue. Michelangelo’s David is a statue. This is an eyesore.” “Well, don’t get it then if you don’t like it. That’s the beauty of being in a free country. You don’t have to buy crap if you don’t want it.” “Thank God for that,” Alan muttered as he set it down. “It just frightens me that someone out there has this on their porch and is actually proud of it.” “Come along, dear.” “Yes, snookums.” He followed her down the hair care aisle and looked around while Rose picked out some shampoo. She glanced at Alan who was studying a bottle of Suave Mountain Fresh body wash. He took a sniff of it and raised his eyebrow. “Blimey, mountains smell like that? And here I just thought they were all rocks and dust, well, live and learn, “he muttered to himself. Rose walked over to him. “What’s your favorite smell?” she asked. Alan frowned. “My favorite smell?” Rose took the body wash, set it back on the shelf and led him over to the shampoos. “You have to smell my hair, what do you like?” she said, gesturing to the bottles. Alan glanced at all the bottles, reading the labels. “You don’t have a favorite scent?” he asked. “I do, but I thought it’d be nice to pick something you like since you have to sleep with me.” “Yeah, but this is your hair. If you like a particular scent, you should get it.” “It’s alright; I thought I’d try something different anyway.” Alan’s mind boggled when he saw how many different scents there were. He had a thought, laid his nose in Rose’s hair and sniffed. He made a face. “Smells like sweat,” he said. “I know, I’ve been walking all night and part of the day. I’m gonna wash my hair when we get our room. So pick something.” Alan scratched his chin. He picked up a bottle and stared at it. “Milk and honey?” he muttered. He smelled it. “Mmmm, this isn’t bad. I wouldn’t mind smelling this all night,” he said. “Of course, there’s always the danger of you going outside and getting mobbed by bees and cows.” He set the bottle back on the shelf and picked up another one. “Cucumber melon?” “I love cucumber melon,” Rose said. Alan sniffed it, his eyes widened with delight and with a smile; he dropped it in the trolley. “You want that?” “Yes, it’s nice.” Rose grabbed the matching conditioner and dropped it in the trolley. Alan watched as she walked off and followed her. She got to the end of the aisle and pushed the cart up to shelves filled with tampons and maxi pads. Alan stared at them in confusion while Rose studied the tampons. “What’s all this?” he said, gesturing to the boxes. “Tampons and sanitary napkins.” “And those are…” “For my period.” Alan’s mouth formed an O. He picked up a box of tampons and studied it. “What’s the difference between the two?” “Um…tampons go up inside the vagina and sanitary napkins go on your knickers.” “And do what?” Alan raised his eyebrow when she looked at him. “Dear, you’ll have to forgive me, I honestly don’t know. Remember, Gallifrey didn’t have sexual reproduction, so women didn’t get periods.” “Lucky women,” Rose muttered. She pointed to the box in his hands. “A tampon is a long, thin…kind of like a stiff cotton ball. You insert it up in the vagina and it fills up the space and when the blood flows, it blocks and catches it. Sanitary napkins work the same way except you stick them on the inside of your knickers and it catches the blood that way.” “Blimey, I’m so glad I don’t get periods then.” “Yes, consider yourself very lucky.” He looked at the dizzying assortment of boxes. “How do you know what to get then?” he asked. “Um…it’s kinda trial and error when you first get your period. There’s…different strengths and you learn after awhile what works best for you. I use the regular tampons.” She put a box of them in the trolley and moved on. Alan put his box back and followed her. She stopped at the feminine hygiene products and picked up a box of douches. Alan leaned over her shoulder and read the box. “Douche? As in bag?” he said. Rose giggled. “Yup, exactly.” “What do they do?” “They clean out your vagina.” “Why, does it get that dirty?” “Um, yeah, some people use it after sex and some people use it to just give it a wash, so it’s fresh and clean and pleasant smelling.” “And which category do you fall into?” “Both.” He watched while she dropped it in the cart. Rose hesitated a moment and saw him looking at the rest of the products on the shelf. She smiled thinking how endearing it was that he was curious about everything. She really couldn’t imagine the Doctor following her around wanting to know about douches and tampons, but then again, the Doctor wasn’t half human. Looking at him, she suddenly had an urge to teach and she reached for a box of Vagisil. “Not that I need this right now, but I’ll just tell you what it is since you’re being Curious George again. This stuff here helps treat yeast infections.” Alan’s eyes bugged out. “Yeast infections? Where?” “In the vagina.” “How the hell do you get yeast in your vagina? What do you lot do? Shove bread dough up there to plug up the hole when tampons won’t work?” Rose bent over the cart laughing hysterically. “Well?” Alan said, amused. “Yeast is found in bread, my dear. I assume it has something to do with bread dough then.” “No, it’s a bacterial fungus that grows and causes itching and burning and redness and pain when you pee. If you get it, they have creams and medicines that can help treat and cure it.” “Like I said, thank God I’m male.” She put the box back on the shelf and looked around. “What else can I teach you?” she muttered. Alan smiled at that. “Am I the pupil now?” “Well, you wanted to know about tampons, might as well teach you about other things. Besides, it’s a nice change of pace since the Doctor’s usually the one in front teaching me about stuff.” “Aha! So now the real reason reveals itself.” “Yup.” She kissed his cheek. “Follow me.” “Hai, sensei.” “Huh?” “I said, yes, teacher in Japanese.” “Oh.” He rolled his eyes and pinched her butt as she headed down the aisle containing all the painkillers. Alan tapped her on the shoulder and Rose looked back at him. “Hmmm?” “Are humans really in this much pain?” he said, gesturing to the assortment of boxes. “Um, well, people have…different ailments that require different medicines. Not everything here is for the same kind of pain.” “Yes, but look at all this. Am I gonna get to the point where I can’t function unless I pop a pill?” “Uh, I hope not. I mean, if you become a Time Lord, you won’t grow old and you won’t need any of this, right?” “One can only hope.” “Didn’t they have pain and sickness on Gallifrey?” “To an extent, but nothing that required ten tons of medicine. How you people can make decisions with this plethora of medicines and shampoos and tampons and everything else is beyond me. I mean I wouldn’t even know where to begin.” “Well, that’s why you have me here teaching you.” “Good.” They headed out of the aisle and into the one containing deodorants. “Rose?” “Yeah?” “Are you and everyone else terrified of your own body odor?” She looked at him. “No, why?” “Because I’ve noticed in my short time on this Earth that you have a million different things to take care of your B.O. You have shampoos in a hundred different scents; you have body washes, deodorant, those douche things, scented candles, air fresheners, perfumes. Are you really that afraid of how you smell?” Rose frowned. “I guess I’ve never thought of it like that. I guess most humans just don’t like smelling bad.” “I don’t either, but on the other hand, I don’t wanna douse myself in scented stuff to the point I smell like a flower trolley hit me and rammed me into a vegetable stand. I mean, I’m sorry, I know this is human culture and I’m basically an outsider commenting on it, but there’s nothing wrong with your own personal scent. You shouldn’t have to be so afraid of masking it with all this stuff. I do actually believe that less is more. But, like I said, I’m only part human and I’m a clone of a man who came from a whole different culture where people didn’t worry about things like this.” “No, I get what you’re saying. I just never thought of it like that because people use this stuff their entire lives. It’s just something humans do.” She held up her hand. “Trust me, men don’t have the same kinds of scents for their products that women do. You’re not gonna smell like a flower trolley rammed you into a vegetable stand. Anyway, people would think you were weird if you did smell like that.” “Well, I’m glad they have manly smells out there then.” They walked on. Rose passed by the magazine racks and stopped. “You wanna get a magazine or something to read?” she asked. “Are you?” She nodded. Alan shrugged and scanned the selections with Rose. He picked up a copy of ‘Scientific American’ and looked through it. “Eh, I know all this stuff,” he said, putting it back. He glanced up at the top rack and his eyes widened when he noticed ‘Modern Bride.’ “Rose?” Rose looked over at him. “Yeah?” He held up the thick magazine. “Is there a reason why ‘Modern Bride’ is a thousand pages? This thing is like a phone book. And is a bride that worried about her wedding day that it would necessitate a one year subscription to this magazine?” Rose laughed. “Some people like looking at wedding gowns and things like that,” she said. She walked over, took the magazine from his hands and opened it. She turned a couple of pages and smiled when she found a gown she liked. “Like this one, this is pretty,” she said, pointing it out to him. “I like all the pearls on the gown and the veil is beautiful. That’s what a lot of people do with a magazine like this. Just kinda look through it and dream about their perfect wedding.” “And do you do that?” “Well, I don’t buy it personally. But, I have looked at it in the waiting rooms of doctors and dentists on occasion. It’s just a…oh…you know, a specialty magazine for people who like that sort of thing.” “Does it have to be this thick? You could give someone brain damage with it.” “Hon, lots of designers make wedding gowns and they wanna show them off in a magazine like this. It’s how they make their living.” “Well, as for me, I’ll just keep on looking. I just think it’s odd that people are into that sort of thing,” he said, putting it back. “Hey, there are some magazines out there that I find strange. Like this one. This ‘Guns and Ammo’ one, ugh.” Alan took it from her and perused it a moment. He raised his eyebrow and read something to her. A hollow point, also called a hollow tip, is a bullet that has a pit or hollowed out shape in its tip, generally intended to cause the bullet to expand upon entering a target in order to decrease penetration and disrupt more tissue as it travels through the target. As a side effect, hollow-point bullets can offer improved accuracy by shifting the center of gravity of the bullet rearwards. Jacketed hollow points (JHPs) or plated hollow points are covered in a coating of harder metal to increase bullet strength and to prevent fouling the barrel with lead stripped from the bullet. The term hollow-cavity bullet is used to describe a hollow point where the hollow is unusually large, sometimes dominating the volume of the bullet, and causes extreme expansion or fragmentation on impact. He looked at her. “Oh yes, because it’s not enough to just kill someone, you need to toss their shredded guts all around their body cavity for maximum effect.” “See, that’s what I mean. I would never be caught dead reading trash like that.” “Oh, I don’t know. I mean, I’m a threat to the universe; perhaps I should get this and learn how to be an even bigger threat to the universe. Not to mention that it would be fun to shoot Davros and watch his guts turn into shredded wheat. That’d teach the prune-faced bugger not to mess with me!” Rose rolled her eyes and smiled as he put the magazine back. She went back to the other side of the racks while Alan looked at more magazines. She picked up a copy of ‘Cosmopolitan’ and read the article headings on the cover. As she read, she felt Alan put his chin on her shoulder. “20 ways to drive a man wild,” she heard him mutter. Alan turned his head and put his lips to her ear. “I can save you four or five dollars. Shag me, that’s how you drive me wild. See, now you don’t have to bother with buying the magazine.” Rose giggled and patted his cheek. “I want it anyway. I like Cosmo,” she said, putting it in the trolley. “Why? I just told you what would drive me wild.” “Yes, but there’s more to it than that. It’s also got fashion and tips for women.” “Can I read it when you’re done?” “Um…I guess so.” “Good, because I wanna know what women read, just out of curiosity.” “Are you gonna pick one too or are you just gonna read this one?” Alan quickly scanned the racks. His eyes settled on ‘Smithsonian’ magazine, which had a photo of a Greek statue on the cover. He grabbed it and put it in the trolley. “This one might be interesting,” he said. “Ready, then?” “Ready when you are.” She headed off towards the checkout counter when she suddenly paused and thought. “Alan?” “Yeah?” “You like games?” “What kind of games?” “Uh…stuff like card games. Did the Doctor ever play card games?” “Um…he was known to partake in a game of Whist from time to time. You play Whist?” “Uh…no, I haven’t the foggiest idea how to play that.” “Well, he was also at a table playing poker next to the one Wild Bill Hickok was sitting at the day he got shot and killed.” “Ah, now that I can play. You wanna get a pack of cards then to help pass the time?” “Sure.” “Did he play Euchre?” “Um, no, he never played that.” “Well, I’ll teach you how to play.” “Okey-dokey.” They found the board games and Rose located the cards next to them. She pulled a couple of packs off a hook and put them in the trolley. She studied the tiny travel games beside them and found a little travel chess game. “You play chess?” “I know how, yes.” “Wanna get a little chess board?” “Sure.” She put that in the cart. “How about Draughts?” “Nah, not interesting enough.” “Connect Four?” “Nah, I’d just be happy with chess and cards personally. There’s no need to get a whole bunch of things.” Rose nodded. “Okay, then, let’s get this stuff paid for so we can head on to the hotel.” “Alons-y, then.” Rose giggled. “Come along, Alonzo,” she said, tickling his chin. They headed out of the games section and down another aisle towards the checkout counter. As Rose walked, she suddenly heard Alan burst out laughing. She turned around and saw him bent over in hysterics. “What? What is it?” she said, walking towards him. Alan reached up and pulled a small green box off the shelf. Giggling he pointed to the brand name. “Lookie, Amo’tiri, a box of Puffs,” he said. “You want a box of Puffs?” Rose rolled her eyes. “No, Alan, I don’t want a box of bleedin’ Puffs. You puff enough as it is without it.” “Ah, come on, might come in handy sometimes. And what do you mean I puff? I never do that.” Rose snorted. “Oh yeah? Smell underneath the covers when you wake up one morning. I think you’ll find you do.” He put his fingers on the flap of cardboard covering the opening in the tissue box and stared at her with wide eyes. “Dare me to open it?” he said. “No, Alan, put it back.” “Aw, come on, I wanna hear if it makes a raspberry when you open the box.” “Alonzo…” His eyes widened. “Oh blimey, now I know I’m in trouble. You just used my full first name.” “Put…the box back. We’re not getting Puffs.” Alan pouted and sighed as he put it back. Rose giggled and shook her head. “You’re no fun sometimes,” he said. “Well, I’m sorry, but I’m not going to carry around a box of tissue just so you can make fart jokes. My rucksack is gonna be bulging without that, now come on, before the rain gets worse.” Shoving his hands in his pockets, he smiled and strolled happily behind his girl as she headed towards the checkout.
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