SOMETHING OLD, SOMETHING NEW
Chapter Forty Three The Doctor breathed a sigh of relief when he and River entered the TARDIS. It had been a long day battling the Zygons in and around Loch Ness in 1957. River had been captured and duplicated by a female Zygon who had infiltrated the TARDIS and tried to destroy it before the Doctor finally figured out what had been going on and put a stop to it. The Zygons had been put out of commission for the most part, but the male leader managed to escape along with the Skarasen. The Doctor closed the door, started up the TARDIS and once it was in the vortex, he walked over to the jump seat collapsing into it with a long sigh. He was exhausted. He had managed to get a few hours dreamless sleep earlier that morning, but even though it had replenished him, for some reason he had awaken with a desire to see Rose. A desire he had tried to suppress ever since he left her in Norway. He had no idea what had brought on the desire. He couldn’t remember dreaming about her or anything else for that matter, just that he sorely missed her the moment he opened his eyes. It was a sensation he both hated and loved at the same time. Even though he felt sure he had done the right thing, he still would give anything just to see her again, hold her in his arms and make sure she was alright. He was so lost in his thoughts that he didn’t feel the hand on his shoulder. When he finally did, he looked up and saw River standing beside him. “Are you alright?” she asked, worried. “I’m always alright,” he said, automatically. “You look tense.” “I’ll be fine, really. I’m just tired and worn out from everything that happened today.” River snorted. “Yeah, you didn’t get a nice long nap like I did,” she said. “Reading archaeology at university never prepared me for big, blobby, ugly shape shifting things snatching me away and putting me to sleep in some big machine just so they could clone me. Just think, I actually had a clone for awhile, strange huh?” “Not as strange as you might think,” the Doctor muttered. “Why? You been cloned before?” “Yup.” “When?” “So,” the Doctor said, quickly changing the subject, “where to next?” “Um, I don’t know, really. Don’t you ever stop and rest awhile?” “Nah, had a bit of a rest this morning. Whole wide universe out there to see, River. We can’t rest on our laurels and let it pass us by. Where’s the fun in that?” “Yeah, but I’m tired.” “Well, go to bed then.” “What about you?” The Doctor sighed inwardly. River was beginning to get on his nerves. “I’ll be fine,” he reiterated. “If you need to sleep, just sleep and I’ll see you in the morning.” “Um, okay, good night then.” “Good night,” the Doctor said, happy to have the conversation ended. River stared at him in silence for a moment before walking off towards the back door. He sighed. “Finally, some time to myself,” he muttered. He leaned back and put his feet up on the rim of the console. He closed his eyes and tried to relax, but he kept seeing the image of Rose standing on the beach pleading with him to stay. Behind her, his double stood there staring at him with disbelief and anger while he broke her heart. And then he ran, just like Davros said, ran to escape the shame of his actions. Ran because he couldn’t bear to see Rose’s heart torn in two right in front of him. “Davros is right, I am a monster,” he muttered. “No, you’re not.” His eyes snapped open. River was standing in front of him with a concerned look on her face. “I thought you were in bed,” he snapped. He instantly regretted his tone of voice when he saw the hurt on River’s face. Guilt flooded his mind. Why did he end up always hurting people no matter what he did? “I’m sorry,” he said. “I didn’t mean for that to sound so harsh. It’s just that I was deep in thought and you startled me.” “I’m sorry then. I couldn’t sleep. I was just thinking about you,” she said. He stiffened when River sat down next to him. “Why do you think you’re a monster?” she said. “I mean, I haven’t known you for very long, but out of all the monsters I’ve seen so far, you’re the least likely to be one.” River gazed at him silently when he didn’t respond. She hadn’t known him for very long, but she sensed there was something he was hiding, a deep loss that he was reluctant to disclose. He seemed to be a man of many contradictions. Strong and weak at the same time, at times callous and cold but at other times compassionate and caring, aloof but sentimental. This mixture intrigued her. The adventures they had so far had been terrifying, but fun, far more exciting than digging up fossils. This man before her seemed to thrive on danger and chaos, even invite it into his midst, but at the same time he had a kind of world weariness that said that even though he liked the danger, there was a part of him that wanted it to cease. There was another side to him too. At times he seemed flirty, playful, willing to chat her up. Given the fact that the man had good looks, she didn’t mind it in the least and usually responded in kind. But sometimes the banter seemed forced and there were times when he’d suddenly back off and retreat into himself especially if she got a bit too playful. But the mood swings never seemed to last very long and he was back to being his flirty self again. This behavior puzzled her. It seemed as though there were times he wasn’t interested, yet he kept on hinting at a relationship. But what truly puzzled her were the times when she would say something and he would get a faraway look in his eyes as though he were seeing a memory coming to life somewhere behind her. These daydreams would last for a couple of minutes and then he would snap out of it and go on with what he was doing. This moment seemed to be one of those times. He had just been sitting there, seemingly lost in his own little world and then she had heard him murmuring something about Davros and being a monster. She hadn’t meant to startle him, but she just had to know what he meant by that. Unfortunately for her, this was one of those times when he became tightlipped. “You just wouldn’t understand, River,” he said when she asked. “Doctor, I know I don’t know you that well, but I think I can say that you are not a monster.” “You wouldn’t say that if you truly knew me,” she heard him utter under his breath. River sighed, at a loss for what to do. She could see he was upset about something and she desperately wanted to help him. She noticed that his body was still tense and rigid and an idea came into her head. “Turn, so your back is facing me,” she said. The Doctor gave her a confused look. “Why?” “Just do it, please.” Sighing, the Doctor did as he was asked. His eyes widened when River began to massage his neck muscles. “I can see you’re tense even if you say you aren’t and this will help you. A colleague of mine taught me how to do massage therapy.” The Doctor stayed rigid, not wanting to encourage her, wanting to push her away so she would be safe. He longed to land the TARDIS and make her leave but he knew that was out of the question. The relationship between him and her had to be encouraged, no matter how disgusted it made him feel inside. He loathed himself for leading the poor girl on, playing games with her emotions in order to fulfill his obligations to time and space. They had some kind of a relationship, that much he knew, and so he had to invent one whether he liked it or not. He had to pretend to fall in love with her to keep history on track and prevent a paradox and so he let River perform the massage. Little by little, he found himself relaxing as the tension ebbed away. His eyes rolled back and he shut his eyelids, letting his mind wander back to Rose. He began to envision her in his mind’s eye, pretending that it was her and not River who was giving him the massage. He could picture her there, her warm breath on his neck as she kneaded his muscles. Her soft, pink lips mere inches from his skin. Her warm brown eyes radiating love and compassion and understanding. His Rose, his beloved Rose who knew how to chase the demons away, who knew how to make him better. His Angel who promised to love him and stay by his side for all eternity. This was who was with him now, not River. River was now a trillion miles away, across the void, in the parallel universe and Rose was here in her place, her rightful place in the TARDIS. When he thought of that, he felt a brief stab of anger at his clone, that damned clone that came to life and forced him to give up Rose so she could look after him, lest he get out of control and kill more creatures. He quickly shook that thought away. The last thing he wanted was to think of his double. He needed to concentrate on Rose and so he focused all his attention solely on her. Ah, yes, there she was again, massaging his muscles. He could see her as plain as day now smiling at him, whispering in his ear her undying love and devotion. His breath caught in his throat while he imagined hearing the words, those three glorious little words that he himself had never spoken to her. He longed to go back and correct that, but it was too late, the universes had sealed shut once more. But, he thought, I thought they had sealed shut before and my Rose found a way to cross them. My Rose, my clever Rose, she risked everything, even her life to find me, because she loves me. Oh Rose, I love you too, so very much. In his mind’s eye, he could see her standing there between him and his clone, only this time he heard himself speak the words and felt her lips on his while his twin watched silently. His breath caught in his throat once more while he became completely submerged in the fantasy. Suddenly, without thinking, he spoke aloud, the words flowing from his lips unbidden. “Kiss me,” he said to the vision. “Please kiss me.” There was a moment when he imagined Rose leaning in and then he felt her lips on his. He kissed them hungrily, his eyes shut and his mind adrift while he snogged the woman he loved. The feel of her lips on his drove him almost to the brink of insanity and he kissed her more forcefully wanting nothing more than to taste every last drop of moisture on and in her mouth. With each passing second he became more and more aroused and he reveled in the sheer ecstasy of being intimate with her at last. Then, suddenly, he felt her lips leave his and he let out a disappointed groan, wanting nothing more than to taste them again. Then his fantasy world was shattered into pieces and his eyes snapped open when he heard River say his name. He stared at her in shock, his mind lagging a bit behind his physical body as he noticed that she was now setting on the jump seat directly in front of him with her hand on his leg. He suddenly realized why the kiss had felt so real and anger welled up in him, at her but mainly at himself for allowing his mind to go on autopilot and let this happen. Guilt and shame mingled with the anger and he had to fight not to lose control of his emotions and say something he would regret later on. “Doctor?” River said. He stiffened when she reached up to stroke his cheek. “I…need to be alone now, I’m sorry,” he said. Before River could ask any questions, he leapt up and hurried from the room, making sure not to slow his pace until he was safely in his quarters. One inside, he locked the door, sunk down to his bed and lowered his head to his hands, cursing himself for what he had done.
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