SOMETHING OLD, SOMETHING NEW
Chapter Fifty Eight The Doctor slumped in an exhausted heap on the jump seat. They had both escaped from the Qytan, but just barely. The Qytan were a race of spider creatures that lived in shadowy subterranean caves. They possessed powerful venom that slowly killed their victims, keeping them alive for several days while they slowly drained them of their blood like vampires. They had been terrorizing a mining colony who had stumbled upon their lair when he and River first arrived on the scene. Both had volunteered to help the humans fight the threat, but in the end the Doctor snuck out alone to negotiate with the leader of the Qytan in a last ditch effort to avoid all out war and keep River safe. It had been a stupid risk to take but the Doctor no longer cared about his safety. He was growing more and more tired with each passing day as the knowledge that River’s fate was drawing nearer and nearer weighed heavy on his hearts. When he went deep into the Qytan’s cavernous lair, he was half hoping that he would be captured and killed so he would be relieved of his obligation to the universe. Just as he hoped, he was captured, webbed up and bitten in the neck, the deadly poison coursing through his veins while the Qytan celebrated their victory. After that, he was left to slowly die in a fevered, delusional daze while the Qytan leisurely dined on his blood. He faded in and out of consciousness during that time, sometimes vaguely aware that lips were at his neck draining him of his blood, but most of the time he hovered between life and death and that was where he truly wished to stay because she was there. His Rose. He could see her so clearly in that other world, so beautiful, so innocent, her presence calming and soothing him and quieting the demons in his head, just like always. He longed for her, longed to be at her side, but somehow she always seemed just out of reach, beckoning to him to come to her and rest. He tried to do just that but there was always something holding her back, some invisible barrier that kept her from his side. It was maddening to see her within arm’s reach, so close and yet so far. His mind cried out to her, called to her to come nearer so he could pull her to his side and embrace her, but there was nothing she could do. The Doctor wasted away in a seemingly endless limbo while Rose hovered nearby in a silent vigil waiting for him to be free of his body. She wasn’t the only one who wanted him to be free. The Doctor wanted nothing more than to be released so he could travel across the void once and for all and spend his trouble and responsibility-free afterlife keeping a loving watch over her. In the end it was not to be because River, after figuring out where he went, risked everything in a last ditch effort to free him. The Doctor was grateful for that but at the same time he was furious that the universe saw fit to keep him alive and away from the woman he truly loved. He hated that every time he thought he had tucked Rose away in the back of his mind once and for all, something would happen to bring her back to the forefront of his consciousness. It was as if God or the gods or whoever was in charge of the universe had nothing better to do than to see him suffer. There were times when he cursed himself for ever falling in love with Rose Tyler, but he quickly pushed those thoughts from his mind. His precious Rose was the best thing that ever happened to him. She had saved him so many times, both physically and mentally and he knew he would have been lost without her. He could never curse the time he had spent with her no matter how much it hurt to be without her. That was your own doing; you’re the one who sent her away. The Doctor swallowed hard as that thought barged its way into his mind and he quickly dismissed it. It was over, done with, and there was no way to get her back. Not necessarily. There are ways to bring someone back over the void if you don’t mind bending a few universal rules. Once more, the Doctor pushed that thought from his mind. He wouldn’t risk the safety of the universe for one human girl, not in a million years. Liar. The Doctor gritted his teeth. He wished he could put his own fingers up to his temple and do what he did to Donna; rid himself of the specter of Rose once and for all so his torment would cease. He felt River sit down next to him. The venom was draining from his system, but he still felt groggy. He kept his eyes closed trying to pretend it was Rose. He was good at pretending, great in fact. Since the Time War happened, he often pretended that his people were still alive, that his planet wasn’t rocks and dust floating through the endless reaches of space, he pretended that Susan and Romana were still alive and most of all he pretended that Rose Tyler was still in the TARDIS with him. That was what he did when River leaned over to give him a soft kiss on the lips. The self-loathing returned but he held still and allowed the charade to continue while River stroked his hair. “Oh Doctor, they almost killed you,” she whispered. The Doctor felt her give him a soft kiss on the forehead. He kept his eyes closed and made a mental image of Rose in her place. “You shouldn’t have come after me,” he said to the image. “I couldn’t let them kill you,” River replied. “You shouldn’t have gone by yourself.” “I had to,” the Doctor said to the image. “I had to protect you from them. I couldn’t let you suffer.” He felt her kiss him again on the cheek and sighed. He wanted so much for this whole farce to be over and done with. He hated stringing the poor woman along, making her think that he loved her when he didn’t. But at the same time, he didn’t want to send her to The Library; he knew that would also destroy him. He cursed River for being so innocent, so trusting. Didn’t she know what he was capable of? He was the Destroyer of Worlds, couldn’t she see that? Finally, after a few more minutes of her stroking and caressing and kissing him, he could stand it no longer. “River, just back off, alright?” he said, opening his eyes. “I’m not in the mood.” River was hurt by the gruffness in his voice, but he didn’t care. He half hoped that he would either make her angry or scare her enough that she would want to leave. But he instantly regretted that when he heard her apologize. After all, she had no idea what was truly going on here. She was only trying to comfort him and he was the one letting her do it. It wasn’t right for him to be angry at her for that. He muttered an apology to her. “I’m sorry, River. I’ve been imprisoned in a web cocoon and was poisoned while spider people slowly drained my blood away; I’m not exactly in the mood for hugs and kisses.” “I understand, sweetie. It’s just that I’m worried about you.” A sardonic smile passed over the Doctor’s face for a moment. In many ways, she was exactly like Rose, which is why it was so easy for him to pretend she was. “I’ll be alright. I’m always alright,” he said. “Don’t give me that bullshit, Doctor.” He was stunned by the harshness of her reply and stared at her in shock. “You always say you’re alright, Doctor and I don’t buy it for one bleedin’ second. You are far from alright!” “Maybe so, but it’s not your concern,” the Doctor spat back. “I have lived far longer than you have and have seen more than my share of nightmares. I always recover and this time will be no different. So, I’ll say it again, I’m alright. Just…take a nap or something. You need just as much rest as I do.” Groaning, he forced himself to rise. He wanted to show her that he could take care of himself, that he didn’t need her to be his nanny. But as he struggled to get to his feet, he couldn’t help but think of all the times Rose had helped him back to his bedroom and tended to his wounds while he lay on his bed staring up at her with silent adoration. All those times he could have said those three little words to her and instead, he kept his mouth shut like the coward he was. He had faced hoards and hoards of monsters and villains and yet he was afraid to utter three simple words to a woman who had no problem telling him how she felt. He got to his feet and immediately felt his strength failing him while River ran forward to catch him and put his arm around her neck. The venom had not yet left his system and his body was severely depleted of blood, a last attempt by the Qytan leader to kill him before River could rescue him. She in return had stabbed him in the side with a stalactite and he had crawled away, presumably to die. After he left, River used the stalactite to cut open the cocoon and free him and he used what little strength he had left to help her get him back to the TARDIS. It vaguely reminded him of Androzani and getting Peri back to the TARDIS to give her the bat’s milk before he died. He sighed. That regeneration had been extremely difficult on him and his next life suffered because of it. His sixth life was when the darkness within him started to come to the fore and he became more irrational and violent including nearly strangling Peri to death in a temporary fit of madness. He shuddered inwardly. If Peri hadn’t stopped him…He couldn’t bear to think how much worse he would have been psychologically if Peri had died at his hands. He thanked the gods that he never did that again to any of his companions, especially Rose. For one horrifying moment, he saw her lying on her back on the floor of the TARDIS while he straddled her body and choked the life out of her. He jerked his body trying to physically wrench the tormenting vision from his mind. “Doctor?” River said when he almost fell backwards to the floor. “What happened?” “Nothing, it’s nothing,” he lied. “I’m just…weak, is all. I just need to get back to my bedroom, have a short kip and I’ll be fine, good as new, fit as a fiddle, sound as a pound. Just let me do this. You need to rest up as well. Believe me; I’ve had over 900 years of tending to myself and my wounds.” “Doctor,” River said, stopping him. “Why won’t you let me care for you? Why do you always have to be so macho? There’s no shame in asking for help.” “I’m not ashamed. I just…want to be alone for awhile,” he admitted. “So you can think about Rose?” The Doctor was stunned. He had never mentioned her name to River. “W…what?” he stuttered. “What do you mean by that?” “I mean that there have been nights when I’ve heard you in your bedroom talking to someone named Rose and there have been a couple of times when you’ve been asleep and you’ve said her name in your sleep. Who is she, exactly?” “It’s not important,” the Doctor said hurriedly. “Doctor…” “I said it’s not important!” he spat out. He sighed when he saw the hurt look in her eyes. “Just…leave me alone for awhile, River,” he said softly. “The last couple of days have been rough for me and I need to rest.” River stepped back and watched as the Doctor leaned his right side against the wall and slowly shuffled the few remaining feet to his bedroom. She stood there silently watching with concerned eyes while he fought to keep his body upright. Finally, after several minutes, he reached his room and went inside. Then the door slammed shut behind him and with a sad sigh, River went back to her own room to rest.
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