Chapter Two

(Day One Continues…)

Breakfast passed while the Doctor regaled his family with the tale of how he shit a brick into the toilet and how his bum now hurt because the rock hard chunk had to pass through customs, as he put it, and land in the toilet. He finished up by telling them that he was cranky because his anus had been stretched to the limit shitting out the brick and it was very tender. Needless to say, no one ate much except the Doctor who wolfed down his English breakfast, oblivious of the nauseated looks on his family's faces. After downing his food, he excused himself to the relief of the others and went off in search of something to do.

After breakfast was finished, mother, father and daughter cleaned up and put everything away. Amy then went off to her bedroom, intending to spend the next three days in bed away from the mentally challenged Time Lord. She entered the bedroom she shared with Rory and noticed a little black disc on their bed. She closed the door, locked it and walked over to it. There was a small note attached to the disc. She picked it up and read…


She looked at the disc and noticed a small black button near the edge of it. She pushed it and stepped back when a hologram of the Doctor appeared out of it. The Doctor had his hands in his pockets and was smiling at her while Amy watched.

"Hello, Pond," he said to her. "This is a voice interface hologram. It senses the identity of the viewer so I can respond accordingly. I made this last night before the mental shutdown and had the TARDIS put it here while you were out so you'd find it after I went bonkers. I just want to apologize in advance for my behavior. I know I get out of control and annoy people when this happens. The last time it was my fifth life and I nearly drove my friend, Peri, from the TARDIS because I spent the first day chasing her around lifting up her skirt and calling her a shameless slut for dressing like a tart. I didn't make one of these messages in advance and I nearly lost her friendship because of that. You and Rory and River are very dear to me and the last thing I want is for the three of you to leave me for something that only happens every couple of centuries. My advice is just to humor me, play along and have fun. Turn my irritating behavior into a chance to have fun and joke around. You can do that, right? Just go with the flow and humor me and three days will pass quickly, I promise. I'm just like a big kid at the moment; see everything in the spirit of that. I love you, all of you, and I want you to play this for Rory so he knows. The TARDIS left one for River so you don't have to take this to her, just make her aware that the disc is in her bedroom. Well, it's nearly time for the mental shutdown so good luck and I'll see you on the flipside."

The message ended and the hologram faded. Amy took the disc in her hand and thought about what the Doctor said. She heard a knock on the door and turned. She opened the door and saw Rory standing there.

"You're hiding as well, I see," he said.

"Yeah, I was but look at this," Amy said, pulling him inside.

She kept the door unlocked this time and played the message for Rory. It was essentially the same message, except now the Doctor acknowledged both of them while he spoke.

"You know, he's right," Amy said to her husband when the message finished. "How many times have we wanted the Doctor to lighten up a bit?"

"Lighten up, not go completely off his trolley," Rory said.

"Yeah, but…we can spend the next three days in exasperation or tease and have a laugh with him. We're locked in here with him, might as well play along with the insanity. It's not like he's transformed into a Dalek. It's the Doctor, just a bit more mental than usual. I think the way to keep our sanity and keep from strangling him is to follow his advice and take this all in stride.

Rory nodded.

"Beats hitting him over the head with a mallet and doing that repeatedly for three days so we can have some peace," he said.

"TARDIS, you can help, right?" Amy said. "Just make this all fun for us instead of an irritation. Help us."

The TARDIS grunted an affirmation.

"Come on, we'll show River this instead of waiting for her to find the one the Doctor left," she said to her husband before they left their bedroom.


After showing the disc to River, the three of them agreed to play along and go with the flow when it came to all the insanity. They went off to find the Doctor before he found them. After a short search, they found him in the living room stretched out on the sofa, calmly watching the television. The three companions glanced at each other before approaching him.

"Bum still hurt?" Amy said to the Doctor while she sat down beside him.

"Tender," the Doctor said, his eyes on the telly. "Shhh, stories are on," he added, pointing to the television while River and Rory sat down in chairs on the other side of the sofa.

"Really? What story is on then?" Amy said.

"Archaeopteryx," the Doctor said, his eyes on the screen.

"Um…never heard of it," Amy said.

"Oh, it's delightful. Far better than Eastenders," the Doctor said, looking at her for the first time. "See, there's this alien family and they're like the mafia, they go around killing people but one of the daughters falls in love with this Cagarin who has ten penises."

"Wow, that does sound delightful," Amy said while Rory and River giggled.

Suddenly, the Doctor let out a loud fart.

"Rory, really that's not polite!" the Doctor yelled at him.

Rory was stunned for a second but he quickly smiled.

"No, I believe that was you," he said, playing along.

"Never. I'm the very model of decorum," the Doctor said.

He suddenly fell silent.

"What's wrong, sweetie?" River said.

"My bum didn't hurt when I did that. Suppose the old cheeks are back to normal now."

"So, what do you want to do today?" Amy asked him.

"Stories," the Doctor said, pointing to the TV. "Stories are on, remember?"

"Yeah, but you can watch a bloke with ten penises any day," Amy said. "Let's have some fun."

"I'm listening," the Doctor said.

"Well…"Amy said, not actually thinking up something yet.

"See, you don't know, now shush it, stories are on," the Doctor said, turning his attention back to the telly. "Lush is about to bonk Tor. He's the one with the ten penises, you know," he said, looking back at Amy.

"Who is?" Amy said.

"Tor, obviously. Tor is a boy's name, you know," he said.

"No, I didn't know," Amy said while Rory and River snickered.

"There's a problem though," the Doctor said, looking at the telly.

"What's that?" Amy said.

"Lush only has one vagina so she could have one penis and then another and another and on and on, it could take awhile to get through all the sex," the Doctor said.

"Mmm," Amy said. "So why not do something else then?"

"I'm listening," the Doctor said, looking at her.


"Uh-huh, you still don't know so shush it," the Doctor said before Amy could say anything more.

"You're a pest, you know that," Amy teased.

The Doctor lifted his butt and farted again in response before lowering it.

"Rory really should learn to control himself," he said to Amy while she giggled.

Rory gave the Doctor a wry grin before getting up. He walked over to the Doctor and bent over slightly, thrusting his butt at the Doctor's face while he tried to fart. He gasped when the Doctor smacked his butt as hard as he could.

"Move, stories are on!" the Doctor said.

"Alright, we'll leave you to your bloody stories then," Rory said, sitting back down while his wife and daughter laughed.

"Yes. I want to watch the bonking so I can get a few tips for me and River," the Doctor said to him.

"Okay, TMI there," Amy said, holding up her hands.

"Oh, puh-leeze, Pond," the Doctor said. "You're hardly a prude. After we first met River, you thrust your tongue so deeply down my throat you could lick my anus."

Amy was a deer in the headlights while River raised her eyebrow.

"You had your tongue in his throat, Mother?" she said to Amy.

"Um…briefly," Amy said, blushing, while the Doctor nodded smugly.

"See, I've snogged you," he said, pointing to River, "and I've snogged her," he said, pointing back to Amy, "and I've snogged…"

He was about to point to Rory but he froze with his pointed finger up towards the ceiling. Rory shifted nervously when the Doctor locked eyes with him.

"Don't think I snogged you yet," he said with his finger still in the air.

"That's fine, you don't have to," Rory said.

The Doctor grinned an evil grin.

"SNOG ALL THE PONDS!" he bellowed.

"No!" Rory said, bolting out of his chair while the Doctor leapt up from the sofa.

River and Amy giggled when the Doctor chased Rory out the door, yelling to him to stop so he could give him a little kiss.

"Yes, this could prove fun after all," Amy said to her daughter while they heard Rory scream at the Doctor to stop chasing him.

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