THE ADVENTURES OF THE DOCTOR'S AMAZING HAND

Chapter Three

It had been nearly a week since Jack had gotten drunk and the hand was still trying to escape. Thanks to his endless hours of bounce and smack the lid was beginning to loosen and he felt with a little more effort, he would be able to escape and get his revenge on Jack for imprisoning him there.

In between rounds of bounce and smack, the hand amused himself by thinking of songs and snapping his fingers in time to the beat. He also tried making shadow puppets but since he was only one hand, the animals he could make were very limited. The jar was narrow and there wasn't enough room to turn upside down but he learned how to spin himself around in a circle and if he got up enough momentum, he could spin around and around quickly in the jar and get good and dizzy.

After a short break where he thought of the Macarena song while he snapped his fingers, he decided to try bounce and smack again. He began his usual rhythm, up and down, bouncing and smacking. Then after twenty tries, it finally happened, the lid budged enough for him to get his fingers through the gap and push it away. Overjoyed, the hand pulled himself up and out of the jar. Landing on the table, he stood up on his fingertips and shook the excess water off of himself. He moved slightly to the left and right, looking around for any sign of Harkness and his team and when he couldn't find them, he walked to the edge of the table, hesitated a moment, and then jumped down to the ground. A part of him wanted to get away but there was another part that burned for retribution so he suspended his escape plan for the moment in order to teach the captain a lesson.

He scurried along the floor looking for his target. Every so often he would hear a noise and duck into the shadows or underneath a table, waiting until he felt it was all clear again. He searched and searched and finally he found him. He was walking through the Hub, drinking a cup of coffee while he read a report in a manilla folder. The hand ducked under a table and let him pass by. When he went by him, the hand came out and silently followed him while Jack's attention was riveted on the report. Jack stopped for a moment and sat his coffee cup down on a table so he could turn to the next sheet of his report. The hand flipped onto his wrist and began to bounce a few times to get some momentum going. Then with one enormous bounce, the hand sailed up and smacked Jack's butt as hard as he could. He fell back to the ground and managed to scurry into the shadows just as Jack turned around. As luck would have it, Ianto happened to come into the room at that moment and Jack grinned.

"Very funny, Yan," he said to him.

Ianto stopped short.

"What is?" Ianto said.

"Smacking my ass like that."

Ianto stared at him.

"I didn't smack your ass, I was nowhere near your ass, Jack," he said.

Jack looked around.

"Really? Because there's no one else here and I turned around and there you were, so it must have been you," Jack said.

"I assure you I didn't touch your ass in any way. I have better things to do at the moment," Ianto replied.

Ianto passed by him. Jack watched him leave the room with a puzzled glance. He looked around but no one else was around. Finally, he mentally shrugged, turned the page of his report and picked up his coffee cup. The hand waited under the table, vibrating with silent laughter at his ability to confuse his captor. He waited a moment more and then skittered out from under the table and followed him again. Jack finished up his cup of coffee and walked into the kitchen. He set his cup on the counter and poured some more coffee into it. He fixed his coffee the way he liked it, laid his report down beside the cup and headed towards the bathroom while the coffee cooled a bit. The hand noticed a combination stepladder/seat near the counter. Using that, he bounced up to the counter and skittered across it. He looked around and noticed a saltshaker near the microwave. Grabbing it, he bounced to the cup, unscrewed the top and poured half of the salt into his coffee. He put the lid back on and put the saltshaker back. On the way there, he noticed several pencils and pens lying by a large pad of paper near the fridge. He grabbed a pen and bounced back to the report. Hurriedly, he doodled all over it, making smiley faces and writing obscenities and remarks about Jack's small penis. When he was done, he threw the pen down and bounced back down the stepladder. He scurried across the floor and made it to the table just as Ianto entered. Ianto reached up into the cabinet, got a cup and poured himself some coffee. While he did that, Jack came back inside, grabbed his cup and took a swig of coffee. Ianto spun around when Jack made a face, ran to the sink and spat out the liquid.

"What's wrong with you?" Ianto said.

Jack glared at him.

"What's wrong is someone poured a ton of salt into my coffee," he said to him.

He narrowed his eyes.

"You wouldn't know anything about that, would you, Ianto?" he said.

"No, I didn't touch your coffee."

"Uh-huh, just like you didn't touch my ass."

"Yes, I didn't touch your coffee or your ass," Ianto said angrily. "I came in here after your cup was fixed and I didn't lay my hands on it. And I'd appreciate it if you didn't accuse me of things I didn't do."

Ianto walked away with his cup.

"Well, you're the only one in here at the moment so I'm assuming you're pulling these pranks."

"Whatever, Jack, think what you like," Ianto said, walking out of the kitchen.

Jack sighed angrily while he dumped the coffee out in the sink. He rinsed out his cup and poured himself some more. He fixed it to his liking and then started to pick up his report. His mouth dropped open when he saw the doodles and obscenities. He took a sip of coffee while he read the hastily written blurb about how a mouse's dick was bigger than his and then he stomped out of the kitchen in search of the culprit. The hand waited till he was out of sight before he followed him again.

Jack walked up to Ianto and slammed the folder down on a table in front of him.

"I suppose you had nothing to do with this either," he said to him.

Ianto glanced at it.

"No, I didn't," he said, turning his eyes back to the computer monitor.

"Okay, where is everyone else then?" Jack said.

"I think they went out somewhere to eat lunch," Ianto replied coolly.

"Why didn't you go with them?"

"Because I was busy, I told you I have things I need to get done and that leaves me no time to play pranks on you. I wouldn't scribble on your report and I certainly wouldn't write all these vulgar things. I'm more mature than that. However, I'm beginning to wonder if you're doing these things yourself so you can blame me and have a laugh."

"No, Ianto, I'm not doing this to blame you and have a laugh about it."

Ianto shrugged.

"Don't know what to tell ya then. It's not me. I'd never think of writing something like Jack Harkness likes to shag donkeys in the ear. Like I said, I'm far more mature than that. Now if you don't mind, I'd like to get back to my work now."

Jack sighed. He picked up the report and sipped his coffee while he walked away from Ianto. The hand shook with silent laughter and, sticking to the shadows, followed Jack. On the way, he noticed the front door. He stared at it for a moment and then decided that it was time to make an exit. He ran over to the door and stood in front of it, staring up at the handle while he tried to figure out a way to get up to it.

Suddenly, he heard the voices of the other members of Torchwood as they neared the other side of the door. Panicking, the hand tried to scurry away to safety, but Gwen opened up the door before he could hide. The hand, not knowing what else to do, fell on his side and played possum while she, Owen and Tosh came in. The trio stopped short when they noticed him lying on the floor.

"Okay," Gwen said, "anyone know why there's a severed hand on the floor?"

They stood and stared at it in a puzzled silence. A moment later, Jack walked up to them.

"I thought I heard you coming inside. Did you have a nice lunch…"

He trailed off when he caught sight of the hand and paled.

"Jack, do you know why there's a hand here in the middle of the floor?" Tosh asked.

"Um…it's a prank," Jack said.

"Prank?" Owen said.

"Yeah, it's a rubber hand I bought. I thought I'd lay it there and see if you noticed so I could see your reactions. Funny, huh?"

Jack let out a nervous laugh that quickly died away when he noticed no one else was joining in. He snatched up the hand.

"Anyway, I'll put this away now. Back to work, time is money, you know! I don't pay you to stand around and stare at joke hands!"

The trio watched while Jack ran away, clutching the hand to his chest on the way back to the jar.

"Anyone else think that Jack's been working too hard and needs a long, long rest?" Owen said to them.

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