THE DOCTOR VERSUS THE SPACEBALLS

Chapter Two

The Doctor and Clara were escorted to a prison block near the center of the ship. What amused the Doctor was so far no one searched him or his friend for weapons of any kind. He wondered if that was part of the arrogance of the Spaceballs that they thought they could handle any threat that came their way.

The cell block was filled with large steel doors on either side of the narrow corridor. Colonel Sanders stopped them beside one in the middle of the corridor and they watched while he punched in a code in a keypad beside it. Colonel Sanders was making no effort to conceal what he was doing and the Doctor noted the door code was 65721 before the door slid open. Inside was a small steel cell with a steel bench jutting from the wall at the back of the room.

"Inside now!" Colonel Sanders said.

"Okay, we're going," the Doctor said, still surprised that he wasn't going to search them.

He strolled inside after Clara, hands in his pockets, confident that he and his friend could outwit and escape from the egotistical, idiotic loonies on this ship. The door slid shut and the Doctor stood by the door and waited while Clara sat down on the bench.

"So…we've been captured by idiots then," Clara said.

"Yup. Looks like it," the Doctor said, watching the door.

The mobile rang in Clara's pocket. She unzipped it and took it out. She groaned when she recognized Danny's number.

"Yeah?" she said, answering it.

"Oh thank God, you're still alive," Danny said. "Where are you?"

"I think we're on a spaceship populated by idiots and some Darth Vader lookalike with a penis helmet."

"What?" Danny said while the Doctor giggled at that. "Penis helmet?"

"Yeah, it has to be seen to be believed."

Clara watched as the Doctor took his screwdriver out of his jacket pocket, aimed it at the door and it slid open with no resistance. The Doctor gave Clara a pointed look and pointed to the open door.

"Yeah, I think we're gonna have an easy time escaping so I think I'll see you later tonight. For dinner?" Clara said, standing up and walking over to him.

"Yeah, keep me informed of what's going on."

"Roger that," Clara said. "Gotta go right now, escaping so see you soon."

"See you soon."

Clara ended the call and put the mobile back in her pocket. As she zipped it up, she noticed no guards or anyone else was nearby.

"Yup, easy peasy," the Doctor said, putting his hands in his pockets as he casually strolled down the corridor.

"What if it's a trap though?" Clara said.

"Oh come now, Oswald, you're giving these people waaaay too much credit," the Doctor said. "I'm a very good judge of character and this so-called Dark Helmet couldn't terrorize an old lady, let alone a block of wood."

They entered a large room and paused when they saw ten people working at consoles. The consoles lined both sides of the room and there were five to a side, all wearing the black and white outfits with the ball helmets. Everyone was so intent on what they were doing that no one noticed the intruders. The Doctor smirked and walked over to the first man on the right side of the room. He expected the man to be looking at radar or data but instead was shocked to find him watching porn. He stood right behind him, hands behind his back, watching while a man and a woman had sex. The sound was muted but the Doctor didn't have to hear it to know what he was watching.

"Good porn?" he said to the man.

"Oh yeah, really good."

The Doctor waited for the man or any of the men to look at him but instead the man watched his porn and no one else looked up from what they were doing. The Doctor turned to Clara with an "I told you so," look on his face before walking back to her.

"Okay, now I believe you about this escape being easy," Clara said softly as they walked across the room and out the other door.

They headed back towards the spaceport so they could get back inside the TARDIS before the practical joke turned deadly and someone started shooting at them. But as they passed by a steel door, they heard loud moaning coming from inside it. The Doctor paused and stared at it for a moment in thought while Clara softly urged him to move on. Then the Doctor used his screwdriver on the door and it slid open. They peered inside and saw Dark Helmet sitting at a table with his back to them. Beside him was a large steel bed with white pillows and blankets on it.

"Ooooh, you're so magnificent, Dark Helmet!" he was saying in a high pitched voice as he sat at the table. "Much better than the old fart I came here with."

The Doctor and Clara glanced at one another before they silently snuck into the room. As they came up behind him, Clara was shocked to see him playing with a tiny action figure of herself and a tiny action figure of himself. Nearby was a tiny action figure of the Doctor. Dark Helmet was holding the action figures in both hands while he made them face each other.

"And now," Dark Helmet said in a deep voice as he moved his figure up and down, "you will become my queen, mystery woman."

"No, I will never leave my boyfriend," Dark Helmet said in a high pitched voice as he moved Clara's figure up and down. "He means everything to me and we have great sex together."

The Doctor slammed his hand over his mouth and gnashed his teeth to keep the laughter in while Clara looked at the dolls in a stunned silence. Dark Helmet put Clara's action figure down and picked up the Doctor's action figure.

"Just what do you think you're doing to my love slave?" he said in a whiney voice as he moved the Doctor's action figure up and down. "She is mine and mine alone!"

"No, you cannot have her! She was meant for me!" Dark Helmet added in the deep voice as he moved his own figure up and down.

By now, the Doctor was fighting to hold the laughter in and was shaking with it. Clara put her hands on her hips and resisted the urge to smack him on the helmet. She raised an eyebrow when Dark Helmet hit the Doctor action figure with his own.

"Oh no, I'm dyyying!" he said as he made the Doctor action figure writhe around on the table. "Curse you, Dark Helmet!"

"That is what comes of people who defy my majesty!" Dark Helmet said in a deep voice as he let go of the Doctor and picked up Clara. "And now, we shall have hot sex."

"No, you are repulsive to me but…strangely attractive. I can't…resist you."

The Doctor burst out laughing when Dark Helmet laid the Clara action figure on the table and put his on top, simulating hot sex. Dark Helmet immediately dropped the action figures, spun around and both the Doctor and Clara were shocked to see the front of the helmet was up, exposing his bespectacled, nerdy face.

"Hey, how'd you get in my room?" he said to them in his normal, whiney voice.

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