THE LOONY ADVENTURES OF DAVID AND TARA

Chapter Four

Tim the Enchanter yawned and stretched as he got ready for another day of being an enchanter. He got up from the rock floor of his cave high up in the mountains and went to brew a pot of tea using his copper kettle that was dangling from an iron hook over his fire. He used a stick and added some moss to get the fire going again after it had burned down during the night. He rolled his eyes when he heard voices outside the cave calling hello to each other. He had lived alone until a group of hermits took over the mountain and formed a commune of sorts. Normally the hermits lived by themselves except for when they congregated and discussed things like men's hairstyles and hairdressing. It had gotten so bad that Tim was considering moving away and finding another mountain.

Finally, after brewing and drinking a cup of tea, putting on his robe and ram horn skullcap and grabbing his magickal staff, he headed out of his cave to begin his day. He stood on the wide ridge that surrounded the mouth of his cave and stretched. He looked up and waved to God who was a huge cartoon deity wearing a crown that peered out of a large hole in the clouds.

"Good morning, God," Tim said.

"Good morning," God said with a sigh.

"What's wrong?" Tim asked.

"It's all this killing that's done in my name; it's really getting me down. Not to mention these weird monks down here that are walking around chanting and smacking themselves in the head with wooden boards. What's going on? When I created the world, I wanted everyone to know that I loved them unconditionally and that's it and now there are a zillion different religions and half of them have loony practices. Did I do something wrong?"

Tim shrugged.

"Don't ask me, I'm just an enchanter."

"Oh, yeah," God said. "Well, I s'pose I could find someone and give him a quest so I can have something to watch besides Eastenders and quiz shows. Hullo...I think I found someone. I'll talk to you later. And remember, I'm watching you!"

Heavenly music boomed down from the clouds as the clouds closed up the hole and hid God's face. Tim shook his head.

"Weirdo," he muttered as he headed down the hill.

"So..." Arthur said to David as they skipped along. "Where shall we find this shrubbery to appease the Knights of Ni?"

"Arthur!" a voice said in a deep, booming voice that echoed all over the forest.

Arthur was startled and looked back at Sir Lancelot.

"Yes?" he said.

"I didn't say anything, my liege," he said to him.

"Oh, I coulda sworn that was your voice."

He was looking straight at him when he heard his name being called again.

"That's impressive, Lancelot, you said my name without even opening your mouth."

"I didn't say your name, ya stupid git!" Lancelot said angrily.

"UP HERE, YA BERK!"

Everyone froze and looked up at God who was peering down at them from his cloud window.

"Finally, what do I have to do to get your attention around here?" he asked.

He rolled his eyes when everyone except David and Tara fell to one knee.

"Now what are you doing?"

"Worshipping you, oh Lord," Arthur said.

"Get up! One thing I can't stand is people groveling."

"Sorry," Arthur said.

"And don't apologize! Every time I try to talk to someone, it's sorry this and forgive me that and I'm not worthy. What are you doing now?" he said as everyone except David and Tara lowered their heads.

"Averting my eyes, oh Lord," Arthur said.

God looked at David and Tara.

"And you actually wanna travel with these people?" he said to them.

"Um, we have no choice," David said. "We're searching for a way to get her TARDIS back."

"Well you can stop now. I have a new quest for you. The quest for the Holy Grail."

"The Holy Grail? Saint's be praised!" Arthur said.

"Excuse me, I wasn't speaking to you, you wanker," God said, glaring at him.

He turned his attention back to David and Tara.

"I saw that," he said to Arthur when Arthur tried to secretly flip him off. "Anyway, David and Tara, you have been charged by me to go and find the Holy Grail. That is now your quest, not searching for this TARDIS thing-a-ma-bobby."

"But..." Tara said.

"No buts or I shall condemn you to hellfire! Find me this grail!"

"Why?" David asked.

"Because I lost my roadrunner glass and I want a drink of water," God said. "Now go and find it! I have spoken!"

Angelic music filled the air as the clouds slowly filled the hole and God disappeared.

"Great, now what do we do?" David asked.

"You must obey the lord, your God, and find the Holy Grail!" Arthur said.

"Yes, but you're s'posed to do it!" David protested. "We're just along for the ride."

"Then we shall follow you, brave knights, and help you as you seek the grail."

David sighed and shrugged as he looked at Tara.

"Okay, so we find the grail then. Do you know where it might be?" David asked Arthur.

"How should I know?" Arthur said. "Why are you asking me? I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition."

There was a jarring sound as three men dressed in red robes and hats leaped out of the trees in front of them.

"NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!" the one in front yelled. "Our chief weapon is surprise, surprise and fear, our two chief weapons are...wait, where are you going?" he said as they skipped away. "Nobody rejects the Spanish Inquisition. Don't think we won't throw you in the comfy chair, because we will!"

He sighed when they completely ignored him and skipped away.

"Oh bugger, come on, mates. Let's go find some Jews to persecute," he said as he and his two friends walked back into the forest.

"And so," the Michael Palin voiceover said as the knights, David and Tara skipped on, "King Arthur and his knights of the round table and the two oddballs who are in charge of finding the Grail have begun their most sacred quest! A quest which shall test the very limits of their endurance, a quest which shall test the very limits of their sanity, a quest which will get loonier and loonier as time goes on if Cheri and Carol have anything to say about it. And so...huh? Oh, you got me a Subway foot long? Oh, how generous of you, you didn't have to do that. Aaaaw, you got me turkey with green peppers, onions and light mayonnaise, my favorite. Thank you. You're such a sweetheart. What's that? You want to me to come round to your place for a quick shag? Well, I'm sorta in the middle of providing this linking narration and besides, you just got me the foot long. What's that? You have a foot long of your own that I can eat and I'll like it better than Subway's foot long? Hmmmmm, very tempting. Oh...sod the narration, they're doing well enough on their own now and I have to say you are well fit and your...foot long...wait, what are you doing? You...you're disrobing right here, right now? But...that just isn't done, we're in the middle of the office, it'll cause a scandal. Think of our children, Maurice. No, don't come at me like that, with unbridled lust in your eyes and a throbbing hard on. No! Please, stay back...no, no...ooooooooooooooooooooh, Maurice..."

A narrator that sounds like John Cleese cleared his throat and took over from the other narrator who was now engaged in hot sex with Maurice in the background.

"Yes, sorry about that. My colleague is...busy at the moment. I'll be taking over for him until he recovers, whenever that happens," he muttered to himself. "Honestly, some decorum is appreciated and I really don't wanna see you two going at it on top of the table. Anyway, back to the story and the tale of King Arthur, his knights and the two other oddballs and their quest for the Holy Grail!"

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