THE SCAVENGER HUNT
Chapter Eleven “Hello, any androids in here?” Donna said, as she opened a door and peeked inside. She saw a small theater inside the room. There was a stage on the other side of the wall with a heavy red curtain obscuring the back of it. Around it were scattered tables and chairs. She stepped in and closed the door. “Hmmm, wonder if they put on any shows?” she muttered. She glanced around and noticed two red buttons on the wall to her right. Both buttons had little signs above them. The sign above the left button said… MUSIC HALL. And the other sign said… LEGITIMATE THEATER. Donna pressed the music hall button and jumped when orchestra music began to play from a speaker mounted in the ceiling. She looked over at the stage as a man walked out dressed in a white shirt, black pants and black dress shoes. Donna looked around at the empty room, walked to a table at the front of the stage, set the clipboard on it and sat down. “Welcome, everyone, to the TARDIS Players vaudeville extravaganza, starring the amazing duo, The Lord and The Captain! And now without further ado, the musical and comedy stylings of The Lord and The Captain!” He walked off as the curtain went up. A jaunty tune played overhead while the Doctor and Jack tap-danced onto the stage. Both of them were dressed like members of a barbershop quartet complete with straw hat and wooden cane. “Doctor? Jack?” Donna said. “Is that really you?” They ignored her and faced each other. “Hello, Jack!” the Doctor said, cheerfully. “Hello, Doctor, you look great as usual. Not a wrinkle on your face.” “Well, of course not, Jack. I don’t age, I regenerate!” A rim shot came out of the speaker. Both the Doctor and Jack did a two-step while they did their routine. “Say, Jack,” the Doctor said. “I got a riddle for ya!” “Okay, shoot…” The Doctor pulled a small derringer out of his pocket and shot him in the side. “I didn’t mean shoot, as in shoot me, I meant, go ahead.” “Oops, my bad. It’s a good thing you’re immortal,” the Doctor said, putting the gun back in his pocket. They continued to dance. “Say, Jack, speaking of guns, what goes bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud?” “I don’t know, Doctor, what goes bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud?” “A Time Lord committing suicide!” Another rim shot as the Doctor gave the audience a cheesy grin. Donna rolled her eyes. They started to dance again. “Say, Doctor, that sure was a swell riddle. Here’s one for you. What do you say to a fifty foot demon on a ship in the middle of a storm?” “I don’t know, Jack, what do you say to a fifty foot demon on a ship in the middle of a storm?” “ABADDON DOWN THE HATCHES!” Rim shot. “Okay, that one went right over my head,” Donna muttered. The two of them stopped dancing, put their hands over their eyes and scanned the crowd. “Look at this, Jack, “they said when they saw Donna. “It looks like we’ve only got one person in the audience.” “One person, well, that’s one more than we usually have!” Donna put her head in her hands when the two of them danced around each other singing, BA DA BADA BADA BAAAAAAAAAA!” “Okay, this is officially the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen,” Donna said. “You there, little lady, what’s your name?” the Doctor said to her. “I’m Donna.” “And where are you from, Donna?” “I’m from the bleedin’ TARDIS, same as you.” “Well, it’s nice to meet you, Donna. Say, would you like to see a magic trick?” “No, but I have a feeling you’re gonna do one anyway.” The Doctor ignored her. “I need a willing volunteer from the audience!” he announced. He scanned the room again while Donna rolled her eyes. His eyes settled on her and he pointed to her. “You there, Donna, how about you?” “Gee, you picked me out of everyone in here? I’m so flattered!” Donna said, sarcastically. Sighing, she stood up and let the Doctor and Jack help her onto the stage. Jack left while the Doctor stood beside her with his hand in his pocket. He pulled out a coin and showed it to her. “Behold, an ordinary penny,” he said, with wide eyes. “Whoopie.” “And now, before your very eyes, I will make it…DISAPPEAR!” “Oh, joy, I can’t wait.” She sighed as the Doctor waggled his fingers over it. She stared at him and noticed that his skin looked artificial. Her eyes widened in realization. “Oh, you’re an android thingy. I wondered how you managed to find me. I guess Jack is a robot too?” she said to him. The Doctor ignored her. He paused a minute and then quickly threw the penny over his shoulder and closed his hand. “ALA-KAZAM!” he shouted, pointing to his closed fist. He opened his hand and gasped as he showed her his empty hand. “Behold, the power of magic!” he said, dramatically. “No, behold the power of stupidity,” Donna replied. She gasped when the Doctor slapped her hard on the back. “You’ve been a great help, Donna. Give her a hand, everyone.” Donna turned and gave the empty house a pointed look when no one clapped. She noticed Jack walking back out with several thin rods and some plates and quickly jumped down off the stage. “And now for the talent portion of our act!” the Doctor announced. “Oh, you mean there is one? For a moment, I was starting to wonder,” Donna said, as she sat back down. The Doctor reached into his pocket, pulled out three balls and began to juggle them while Jack spun the plates on the rods. Donna sighed. “Okay, I’ve seen enough. I’m gonna try the legitimate theater button now,” she said, getting up. She walked over, pressed the button and immediately, the Doctor and Jack stopped, gathered up their things and left the stage as the curtain closed. The emcee walked out as she sat back down. “You have chosen the legitimate theater button. You can choose from three dramas. Our selections are The Secret in the Shadows, Banana Republic or The Hunt for the Golden Scarab.” Donna thought. “Um…the scarab one sounds good. I’ll have that.” The man bowed and left the stage. Nothing happened for a few minutes and then the curtain came up on a living room scene. Rose was wearing a blue dress and was sitting on a red velvet sofa while she quietly read a book. The Doctor walked onstage, only this time he was dressed in a white polo shirt, tan Dockers and brown loafers. Donna raised her eyebrow, thinking how odd he looked when he wasn’t wearing his usual suit. The Doctor sat down beside what she assumed was a Rose android. “Muffy, I have bad news,” the Doctor said with a posh accent. Rose looked at him. “What is it, Aloysius?” she said with an equally posh accent. “I’m afraid I must leave the comfort and posh life of Rosewolf Manor. My father, the famous archeologist, Devon Humble-dumble-doo-da has been called away to mysterious Egypt. Seems someone has finally located the legendary Golden Scarab.” Rose let out a melodramatic gasp as she put her hand to her heart. “No, you cannot leave me here! I am your beloved! What will I do without you?” Donna rolled her eyes when the Doctor grabbed her and held her in a tight embrace. “You must try to carry on without me, my Muffin. I would love nothing more than to stay here and bury my head in your bountiful bosom, but I cannot. You see, I am an archeologist and even though I usually point and laugh at them whenever I see them, for purposes of this play, I will pretend I’m not a time traveler, but a normal British billionaire with oodles of money to spend and a hot girlfriend who I like to nuzzle and fondle from sunup to sundown. I’m afraid I must go.” Donna flinched when a jarring chord came from the speaker. Rose bot instantly fell to her knees and threw her arms around the Doctor’s legs. “No, my beloved, you must not leave me. I shall die if I’m deprived of your pretty boy face and macho body! Also, I shall be alone in this house with only my faithful servant, Prissy to talk to.” Donna’s eyes widened when she suddenly appeared onstage dressed in a French maid uniform, holding a feather duster. “You called for me, madam?” the Donna bot said in a nasally voice. “No, Prissy, I was just mentioning your name to Aloysius. You are not needed.” “Very good, madam. I will go and clean the sewers then. There’s nothing I like better to get down on my hands and knees and shovel out the feces with my bare hands” Donna glared as her android went offstage. “He…is….dead!” she snarled. She sighed and put her head in her hand while she listened to the Doctor and Rose drone on and on about their love for each other and how tormented they would be if they were separated and how humongous Rose’s melons were and how the Doctor liked to squeeze them until they were red and sore. “Hey! Emcee robot, can I change to another play, preferably one that isn’t nauseating and dull?” she screamed. She sighed when she got no answer. Suddenly, porno music began to play and her mouth dropped open when the Doctor and Rose bots began to disrobe. “Oh, hell no!” she said, getting up. “I’ve seen more than enough of this. I think it’s time for me to move on!” She grabbed the clipboard and ran from the room as the moaning and groaning and panting began.
Back Home Doctor Who Main Page Next