THE SCAVENGER HUNT
A/N: Spoilers for Silence in the Library, Forest of the Dead and the Unicorn and the Wasp. Chapter Twelve Donna walked to the next door and opened it up. She peeked inside and saw a graveyard. She went inside and closed the door. In front of her was a dirt path that led through the graveyard up to a huge hill. Beyond the hill she could see the roof of a dilapidated stereotypical Victorian haunted house. She checked her list. “Hmmm, graveyards, dead bodies, nope, nothing like that here,” she muttered. “However, there is a Ming dynasty vase and a painting of the Doctor wearing a monocle.” She looked towards the roof of the house and noticed a simulated thunderstorm was starting. “Well, I guess I’ll have to check the creepy haunted house in case this vase or this picture is in it,” she muttered. “But, there better not be any more Doctor and Rose robots having simulated sex. Just because they’re in love and randier than a couple of teenagers doesn’t mean the rest of us want to see their make out sessions.” She walked down the path, looking left and right at the gravestones. She began to notice that some of the graves had inscriptions on them. She paused and read some of them. There were tombstones made up for each of the Doctor’s past lives and one for someone named Adric. There was one for a Romana and one for a Susan, all three with a bouquet of yellow flowers in front of them. Then, she came upon one for River Song. She gulped when she saw a large bouquet of roses lying there and the sonic screwdriver that had belonged to her. Memories of her time in The Library came flooding back and she fought to hold back tears while she remembered River and Miss Evangelista and the children and husband she had shared a life with in the virtual reality world. After that, she kept her eyes straight ahead and quickened her pace, wanting to get past the graveyard as quick as she could. Reaching the top of the hill, she looked down and noticed the Doctor was sitting in a rocking chair on the porch calmly sipping something in a glass. She walked down the hill towards him. “Doctor? Are you the real Doctor or are you an android?” she called out. The Doctor didn’t answer. Donna stepped up onto the porch, walked over and looked at his skin. She saw it was artificial. “Damn, I was hoping it was really you, so I could kill you for the whole Prissy thing,” she muttered. She stood there for a moment listening to the creak, creak, creak of the Doctor’s rocking chair and then he finally looked up at her with wide eyes. “Beware!” he said melodramatically. “This house is cursed! All who enter have slowly gone mad! !” He paused a moment. “Mint Julep?” he said, picking up a pitcher from a table beside him. Donna was thrown for a loop at the sudden change in his demeanor. “Um…no.” “Sure? It’s freshly made. There’s nothing better than to sit on the front porch of my satanic house of doom and sip a tall glass of Mint Julep.” “Yeah, thanks, but no thanks.” “Suit yourself,” the Doctor said, shrugging. “I would offer you a…” He gave her a pointed look. “Harvey Wallbanger, but I’m right out of that.” “Yeah, very funny, n’yuk, n’yuk.” “Perhaps you’d like to hear a song instead? Mammy!” he said, waving his hands. “Can I ask you something?” “Sure.” “Does the real Doctor get his jollies from belittling other people or is the TARDIS doing all this because she thinks it’s cute?” The android gave her a blank look. “I don’t know what you mean. What do you mean “real Doctor”? I am the real Doctor and what is this TARDIS you speak of?” Donna sighed. “Never mind, forget I said anything, just stay out here and sip your Mint Julep. I’m going in.” “, the house is cursed!” “Yeah, yeah,” Donna said, opening the door. She looked back and noticed the android had gone back to rocking and sipping his Mint Julep. Rolling her eyes, she slammed the door behind her. She looked around the dusty, dark interior. There was no one in the house, although there were sounds of moaning and groaning which Donna figured were coming from another speaker somewhere. She held her clipboard to her chest while she stepped from the front room into the living room. She stopped short when she noticed Rose was sitting on a settee looking forlorn. “Um, if the reason you’re sad is because you’re missing your snog partner, he’s right outside the door sipping a Mint Julep,” she said. “Help me, please, help me,” she said, piteously. Donna moved closer, deciding to play along. “What’s wrong, sweetie?” she said. “The Doctor’s gone mad.” Donna snorted. “Love, I think that happened long before you showed up,” she said. “No, the house has possessed his mind and caused him to go mad,” she said. “Yeah, he said that…” “He’s gone completely insane!” “Okay, I’ll play along…in what way has he gone insane?” Rose looked out the door and then stared at her with big, sad eyes. “In the beginning, we came to Rosewolf Manor with the hopes of starting a new life together…” “Rosewolf Manor again? He must like that name,” Donna muttered. “And we were happy, until…” There was a dramatic pause. “Until?” Donna prompted when she didn’t say anything. Rose let out a sob, took a handkerchief out of her pocket and dabbed at her eyes with it. “Until the evil in this house began to invade his sleep, fill his head with nightmares and make him question his sanity.” “And let me guess, shortly after that, snog time became a thing of the past.” Rose began to sob into the handkerchief. “He used to be so loving with me. There were nights when he’d lay in bed with me and cuddle me and touch all the secret erotic spots that only he knew about and then he’d suck my--“ “I get the picture. Just get to the point!” Donna said, holding up her hand. “But now, he’s become so demanding and violent towards me. I’m little more than a sex slave now and it’s all this house’s fault!” “Okay, so why don’t you guys move away then?” “We can’t. I’ve tried to convince him to move, but the house convinces him to stay. The evil forces are controlling him now. Oh, what shall I do?” “Um…I really don’t know since you’re really not the Doctor and Rose, you’re just a couple of androids acting out some live action, cheesy, haunted house melodrama. And I’d really love to help you, but I’m on a scavenger hunt. Incidentally, you wouldn’t happen to have a Ming vase or a painting of the Doctor wearing a monocle somewhere inside this so-called demon house?” Rose gasped. “That portrait of my beloved, you must not look at it!” “Oh, so it is here. Great, I can tick off another item. Now, where is it?” “No, you must stay away from it. It’s alive! It’ll drive you insane just like it drove my Doctor insane.” “Yeah, no offense, but I’ve seen worse traveling with the real Doctor. I’ll take my chances.” She turned to go. “You must not look at the portrait! It’ll destroy your soul and turn you into a pitiful insane shell. !” “Oh, Christ, now she’s gonna start in on that,” she muttered. Donna quickly hurried from the room while Rose shrieked out, !
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