THE SCAVENGER HUNT
Chapter Thirteen Donna sighed as she turned a corner and headed down a hallway. She had hoped that the Rose android would tell her where the painting was, so she could get in and out, but after hearing her whine and cry about the Doctor’s insanity, she figured it would be faster just to look for it herself. She rolled her eyes. Ever since she had left the living room the phrase, , you’ll go insane was repeated over and over throughout the house. Finally, she stopped and put her hands on her hips. “NOW YOU LISTEN AND LISTEN GOOD! IF YOU DON’T KNOCK IT OFF, I’LL SHOW YOU HOW INSANE I REALLY AM WHEN I FIND YOU AND KICK THE LIVING SNOT OUTTA YA!” She smiled when the house fell silent. “There we go, it always pays to be assertive and put your foot down,” she said, walking on. She came to a closed door on her left side. She opened it up and saw the Doctor standing inside a kitchen with his back to her. “Oh, get tired of rockin’ and sipping your Mint Julep?” she said. The Doctor spun around with a huge grin on his face. “It’s time for everyone’s favorite cooking show, Dining With The Doctor!” he yelled. Donna stared at him. “Okay, is this what the Rose bot meant by you going insane?” she said. “And today’s delicious meal is Tarthaginian Tartar!” he said. He put his hands on the kitchen island and leaned forward to look at her. “Now, Tarthaginian Tartar is a tricky dish to make, especially since Tarthaginians need to be purchased live from the market and killed at home, so the meat will be fresh and delicious. This means that not only do you have to subdue the Tarthaginian and kill it, it also means you must avoid the poisonous barbs it shoots from its mouth while you’re doing so.” He slapped his hands together. “So, let’s get to it. First, you must take the Tarthaginian out of the refrigerator.” He walked over to the fridge, opened it and pulled out a big grey sack. Donna’ eyes widened when she saw something wriggling inside and heard hissing sounds. The Doctor slammed the sack on the counter, which caused the beast to hiss even louder. “Now,” he said, walking over to a drawer, “you get out your rolling pin and begin bashing the beast to death.” He untied the bag and Donna gasped when a slimy green squid-like creature pulled itself out with its huge tentacles. “DIE, TARTHAGINIAN!” the Doctor said, raising the rolling pin over his head. Donna yelled and dove for cover as the Tarthaginian pulled itself all over the counter, hissing and spitting poisoned barbs at the Doctor’s head while he tried to bash it repeatedly with the rolling pin. The squid leapt off onto the floor and the Doctor followed him, bashing the floor with the rolling pin while the creature eluded him and fired barbs at his head. “YOU WON’T GET AWAY FROM ME, YOU OCTOPUS FROM HELL!” the Doctor screamed as he smacked the ground with the rolling pin. “NO MONSTER MOVIE REJECT IS GONNA GET THE BEST OF ME.” Donna ran to the other side of the room when the squid turned and pulled itself in her direction. The Doctor was half insane now, yelling at the top of his lungs as he tried to hit the creature. Dishes and cups went flying when the Doctor accidentally slammed into a china cabinet. Undeterred, the Doctor finally caught up to the creature and slammed the rolling pin down onto it. It stopped, dazed, and the Doctor hit it repeatedly as hard as he could while he screamed bloody murder. Donna cowered in a corner and watched as green gooey blood began to squirt out of the dying Tarthaginian. Finally, after five minutes, the Doctor let up and breathed a sigh of relief when the creature stopped moving and lay dead in a puddle of its own green blood. “There,” he said cheerfully to the terrified Donna, “now that the creature is dispatched, we can move on to the next stage.” Whistling, he picked up the pulverized squid and dumped it back on the counter while Donna slowly came out from the corner. “Next thing we do,” he said, throwing the rolling pin on the counter, “is get a knife and chop up the squid into bite sized chunks.” Donna, fearing that if she stayed she might suffer bodily harm, slowly inched back out the door and left the Doctor to his cooking show. She quickly hurried to the next door, opened it and was shocked to see the Doctor and Rose. She stared at the Doctor. “Didn’t I just leave you in the other room?” she said. She ran back to the kitchen door and flung it open. “And now that we’ve diced up the Tarthaginian, we began putting the chunks in the pot.” Donna stared at the Doctor still narrating his cooking show. She went to the other door and saw the Doctor and Rose standing there. “Okay, so there’s more than one Doctor in here then and more than one Rose?” she asked the androids. “!” the Doctor said. “!” Rose added. Donna sighed. “Yeah, I got that already, so you can stop with the whole melodramatic--“ “!” the Doctor said. “!” Rose added. “Yeah, I’ll be moving along then, see ya!” The Doctor looked at Rose. “,” he said to her. Rose looked at him. “, Dooooooooooooctooooooooooor?” “Caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan I foooooooooooooooondle your ?” “!” The Doctor smiled and reached for her breasts. Donna quickly slammed the door. Muttering under her breath, she moved on. She turned a corner and saw an open door. She looked in and saw a staircase leading up. She climbed it to the second floor. “There better not be any weird, kinky robot sex up here,” she said, stepping into a hallway. She paused when she noticed a glowing portrait on the wall. She ran to it and let out a squeal of joy. It was the portrait of the Doctor. He had on a black Victorian suit, was wearing a monocle on his left eye and was holding a pipe in his left hand. He was standing by a huge window and beside that was a bookcase filled with books. Donna folded her arms over her chest. “Okay, demon picture, make with the insanity,” she said. She stared at it, but nothing happened. Snorting, she reached into her pocket for her pencil, checked off the item on her list and walked on down the hallway. She stopped short when she saw the painting next to the Doctor one. It was Rose sitting on a chair in the same room the Doctor had been in. She was wearing a heavy black Victorian dress with an enormous black hat on her head. She had her hands placed neatly in her lap and had a Mona Lisa smile on her face. “Very nice,” Donna said. She moved on to the portrait beside it. It was the same painting of Rose, only now the Doctor was standing outside the window looking in at her with lust in his eyes. Donna sighed and moved to the next painting. Same scene, only now the Doctor was bursting through the window as a startled Rose leapt up from her chair. “Ooookay,” Donna said, moving to the next one. Now, both the Doctor and Rose were outside. The Doctor was chasing Rose, his tongue hanging out of his mouth while he sported a huge, bulging erection. Rose had her hat off and was beating him on the head with it while he pursued her. “Let me guess, the next painting will have her chained to the bed while he’s shagging the living daylights outta her,” Donna said, dryly. She forced herself to move to the last painting and rolled her eyes when she saw it. The Doctor was back in the library in the same pose as the first painting with monocle on eye and pipe in hand. However, in his left hand he was holding a heavy chain that was attached to a heavy metal collar around Rose’s neck. She was kneeling on the floor by his side, clad in a black bra and knickers with a bewildered expression on his face. She glanced up and noticed the Doctor had a triumphant smirk on his face and shook her head. “What is it with this ship? Everywhere I turn, the Doctor and Rose are getting it on or about to get it on.” Suddenly, she heard the TARDIS rumbling over her head. She paused a moment. She had heard that rumble before. The Doctor once told her it was the TARDIS laughing. Her eyes narrowed. “Wait a minute…” she said. She put her hands on her hips and looked up at the ceiling. “It’s you, isn’t it? You’re deliberately putting these randy robots in my path for a giggle, aren’t you?” Her mouth dropped open when the TARDIS rumbled loudly. “I swear, you are as bad as he is,” she said, shaking her head as the TARDIS continued to rumble. “Okay, you’ve had your fun, not stop with the oversexed androids, will ya?” She felt the TARDIS nudge the back of her mind affectionately and took that as a hopeful sign that it would finally stop. “Thank you,” she said. She moved down the hall towards the stairs at the other end of the corridor. As she passed by a closed door, she stopped when she suddenly heard someone signing loudly and off-key in a falsetto voice. She stood there and listened. YOU’RE HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERE! THERE’S NOOOOOOOOOOOOOTHING I FEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAR AND I KNOOOOOOOOOOOOOW THAT MY HEART WIL GO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON! She opened the door and saw the Doctor sitting naked in a bathtub playing with a toy boat while he sang… WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE’LL STAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY FOREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVER THIS WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY… She put her hands over her ears to drown out the banshee howl. A few seconds later, the Doctor stopped singing. Sighing with relief, she took her hands away from her ears. The Doctor grabbed a rubber ducky, held both it and the boat up in front of him and rammed the boat into the side of the duck. “Oh no, Titanic’s hit an iceberg!” he yelled. “Oh, the humanity!” He dropped the duck back into the water and held the boat in both hands while he yelled at it. “OH NO, ROSE, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?” he screamed at it. “WE’LL NEVER ESCAPE THE FLOATING PLEASURE SHIP OF DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!” He tipped the boat down towards the bath water. “OH NO, WE’RE SINKING! WE’RE HEADING TOWARDS A WATERY DEATH! OH MY ROSE, HOW WILL WE EVER ESCAPE?” He lowered the boat towards the water. “OUR ONLY CHANCE IS TO SWIM, MY ROSE. BUT THEN, WE MUST FIND A WAY ONTO A LIFEBOAT BEFORE WE FREEZE INTO ICE LOLLIES! OH, CRUEL FATE, THOU DOST MOCK US! WE, WHO ARE YOUNG NOW MUST PERISH IN NEPTUNE’S FRIGID WATERS AND PERHAPS LAND A SPOT ON DAVY JONES’S SHIP AND HAVE TO WORK FOR HIM FOR A HUNDRED YEARS AND BE TURNED INTO HALF PEOPLE/HALF SQUID SHARK FISH THINGS! OH, ALAS AND ALACK AT OUR PLIGHT. I…” The Doctor finally noticed Donna for the first time. “May I help you?” he said. “Don’t mind me; I’m just listening to you being an idiot.” The Doctor dropped the boat into the water. “Um…I’m not sure if you’re legally blind, but…I’m having a bath in here,” he said. “I mean, I know I’m not from Earth, but I’m pretty sure that it’s considered bad form for someone to just stand there in the doorway and watch someone take a bath.” “Well, actually, I’m just standing here in case you freeze into an ice lolly and I have to revive you and Rose before you’re forced to become fish shark shrimp things on Davy Jones’s ship,” she said, sarcastically. The Doctor reddened at that. “Yes, well…nothing wrong with a little bath time fun,” he said, indignantly. “I enjoy a bit of playacting now and then. Keeps the imagination fresh. So, if you don’t mind, my bathwater’s getting cold and I’d like to finish the bath before I really do turn into an ice lolly. So, bye bye now.” Donna flipped him off before slamming the door. “HEY, I SAW THAT!” she heard him scream through the door. “GOOD! MEANS YOU HAVEN’T TURNED INTO AN ICE LOLLY YET!” She turned and ran towards the stairs before she could hear his reply. She breathed a sigh of relief when she reached the front door. “Good, I can finally get away from this loony bin,” she said, opening the door and stepping outside. She froze when she heard, creak, creak, creak and saw Mint Julep Doctor looking at her in shock. “You survived the house without going nuts?” he said. “Oh, I went nuts alright, it just hasn’t shown yet,” she replied. The Doctor rocked and took a sip of his Mint Julep. “I went nuts, you know. This house drove me barking mad.” “Yeah, after going through it, I completely understand why. Well, enjoy your insanity and your insane house and your insane Rose. I’ll be off now.” “Don’t want any Mint Julep?” Donna sighed. “No, I don’t want any bleedin’ Mint Julep. I’m fine. Goodbye, now.” “Goodbye? Where are you going?” Donna pointed towards the hill. “I’m going back the way I came, so I can continue this scavenger hunt.” “Who said you could leave?” “I said, got a problem with that, alien doofus?” “You can’t leave, I won’t let you. You’re mine now, you know.” Donna narrowed her eyes. “Listen here, sunshine, you stay right where you are and sip your drink because if you come anywhere near me, I’m gonna rip your circuits out of your body and make you eat them.” The Doctor sighed and sat his drink down. “Why must they always fight?” he said, reaching into his pocket. Donna’s mouth dropped open when he pulled out a machete. “Now, march right back in the house, young lady. I won’t have you being the first to escape this den of insanity. I…” He was cut short when Donna wrenched the knife out of his hand and held it to his throat. “You were saying, sweetie?” she said with mock sweetness. “Um, I was saying…goodbye and have a pleasant scavenger hunt.” “Good answer.” She dropped the knife in his lap and strolled off the porch. “HEY!” Donna sighed and turned around. “Yeah?” “Friendly word of advice. Don’t go up into the attic.” Donna frowned. “The TARDIS has an attic?” “Yes, whatever you do, stay away from it. There’s evil things in there.” Donna rolled her eyes. “Yeah, yeah, and it’s cursed. , yeah I got all that. Bye now!” “No, really, I’m serious. The attic is forbidden. Evil lurks up there.” “Yeah, I’m sure there’s a ton of evil dust bunnies in the attic waiting to devour people. BYE!” “Okay, but don’t say I didn’t warn ya!” Donna shook her head, turned and walked back towards the front door.
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