THE SCAVENGER HUNT
Chapter Eighteen “Finally, I can get out of here and get back to the…” Rose paused and let out a curse when she noticed the main door was gone now. She yelled and pounded on the wall screaming for the Doctor to come and get her. When she paused to take a breath she heard a creak and turned to see the Frog Princess door was now ajar. “Oh no, I’m not going into another fairy tale simulation. The Rumplestiltskin one was more than enough for me.” She turned and pounded on the wall again. “TARDIS, let me out, damn it!” she yelled. She paused for another breath and gritted her teeth when she heard the door behind her creak open some more. “So, now what? I have to go through all of these in order to get the front door back and get back to the Doctor?” she yelled up at the ceiling. There was no answer and Rose threw her hands up in the air. “Fine, fine, I’ll do it. But the Doctor better hope that he had no idea this would happen or I’ll be eatin’ his next regeneration for breakfast.” Turning, she stomped towards the door and opened it wider. She looked inside and saw a wooded area. A few feet away there was a clearing and in the center of it was a pond with stones ringing the perimeter of it. Next to it was a little golden ball. Rose stepped through and closed the door. She walked over to the ball, sank down beside it and folded her arms over her chest. “Okay, make with the frog so I can kiss it and get outta here,” she yelled. She jerked her head around when a Jack bot came out of the woods and walked over to the edge of the pond. “Once upon a time,” he said as he put his hands behind his back, “there was a beautiful princess who was just the hottest looking number this side of the void. The princess was much beloved by everyone and who wouldn’t fall in love with her? I mean, the woman’s a hottie with her long blonde hair and fair milk white creamy skin and soft bouncy boobs.” Rose’s mouth dropped open. “One of the princess’s favorite activities was sitting by the pond while she played with her beloved golden ball.” Jack paused and gave her a pointed look. Rose sighed, grabbed the ball and grimaced when she realized it weighed at least 50 pounds. “Yes, the ball was solid gold,” Jack continued, “and it was worth more money than the poor starving peasants of the kingdom would ever see in their lifetime but the princess wasn’t concerned about the suffering of her people because all she cared about was her precious golden ball.” “I can barely lift the soddin’ thing, let alone play with it,” Rose said to him. “One day when she was playing with it, the ball accidentally dropped into the lake.” “Thank God,” Rose said, lobbing it into the water. “Oh no, the princess said, how will I get my golden ball back now?” Jack said. “Frankly, I don’t want the two ton backbreaker back,” Rose muttered. “Suddenly she saw the golden ball rising back to the surface as if by magic and then it was tossed back on shore.” Rose scooted back and let out a curse when the ball was thrown out and nearly smashed her left foot on the way down. “WATCH IT, DAMN IT!”she screamed at the Jack bot. “The princess wondered how the ball was returned to her,” Jack said, ignoring her. “Suddenly, there was a splash and a teeny tiny frog hopped out of the water onto a lily pad.” Rose’s eyebrow rose when the frog leapt out and landed on the lily pad. It looked like a frog except it was wearing a tiny version of the Doctor’s suit. The Doctor’s glasses were balanced on the end of his face. “Gee, I wonder who he’ll turn into when I kiss him,” Rose muttered. “Greetings, princess,” the froggy Doctor said, “I am a humble frog who has delivered your treasured golden ball back to you and…” The frog trailed off when Rose picked him up and brought her to her face. “Um, what are you doing?” “Kissing you.” “Kissing me?” “Yes, I wanna kiss you and get this over with so I can go on to the next thing and finally get outta here.” She started to kiss him when he put a little froggy hand over her lips. “Not yet,” he hissed. “What’d ya mean, not yet?” “Just play along, okay?” Rose sighed and rolled her eyes. “Fine, get on with it,” she said. “Thank you.” He cleared his little froggy throat. “Fair princess, I have retrieved your precious golden ball and in return I ask that you grant me a few favors since I nearly broke my back getting the ball out of the water. Seriously though, solid gold ball? What was the thinking behind that? How can you even lift the thing, let alone play with it? You’re lucky I didn’t rupture a disc in my back and take you to court. I mean, come on, you must be daft to play with…” “Just get on with it!” Rose snarled. The frog blinked. “Very well, I shall,” he said, sniffing. “Anyway, I wish to ask you a favor.” “What?” “I wish to eat with you at your father’s palace.” “Done.” The frog stared at her. “That’s it? You’re not gonna protest about an amphibian sharing your food?” “No.” “Oh, well how incredibly magnanimous of you, your Majesty. Now if you don’t mind me saying, how about you extend some of that mercy towards your subjects since a lot of them are languishing in your dungeons and being tortured and executed for minor infractions such as hunting the king’s prized deer? I mean, come on, you really expect to punish people who are starving and are only trying to feed themselves and their families? It’s downright cruel to kill people who are only trying to survive and…wait, why are you putting me back on the lily pad?” “Because I’m not about to sit here and listen to you go on and on about my being cruel to the peasants. I don’t have anything to do with that. This is just an idiotic simulation that I accidentally became a part of and I get enough of the real Doctor’s rants without a frog version adding to it. Now goodbye and I’ll see you at the castle.” She got up and walked away. “I’ll report you to the frog version of Amnesty International! Count on it!” he called out as she walked through the trees. The moment she walked away, the scenery changed and she found herself standing inside a large medieval banquet hall. “Later that night…” Rose jumped and spun around when she heard Jack’s voice and saw him standing behind her with his hands still behind his back. “The princess sat down to eat with her family,” he continued. Sighing, Rose walked over to the enormous wooden table and sat down in an empty seat. Jack followed her and stood behind her. “The princess wondered about the strange little frog’s words and whether or not he would make good on his promise to eat with her,” he continued. “Oh I have a feeling he will alright,” Rose muttered. A large door opened and the Doctor entered dressed in regal robes followed by Donna who was nagging him. “I told you the castle is too bleedin’ small!” she said to him while they walked. “I need some space. Why don’t you build on so I can actually breathe in here?” “Because my dearest, we don’t have the funds,” the Doctor bot said to her. “I told you I’ve been wringing every single penny out of the populace and it’s still not enough to do renovations.” “Well, the least you can do is install central heatin’ so I’m not freezing my ass off in here!” “Yes, dearest, I’ll get on that straight away,” the Doctor muttered under his breath while he sat down on his throne. He smiled at Rose. “Good evening, my daughter. I trust you had another fun filled day playing with your precious solid gold ball?” “Yeah and thank God it didn’t give me a hernia,” she muttered. The Doctor clapped his hands and servants came in bearing platters of food. They sat them down in front of the family, bowed and left. The Doctor grabbed a piece of mutton and ate it with gusto while Rose watched them. She glanced at Donna who had a disgusted look on her face. “Mutton again? Can’t we have roast duck every once in awhile?” she bitched. “And can we have some potatoes that aren’t so hard you could throw them through the stone walls? I about broke my teeth biting into one last night and that would be bad for you if that happened because then you’d have to pay for my dental work along with the renovations.” The Doctor rolled his eyes and concentrated on his mutton. Just then, the door opened and a servant came inside. “Sire, we have a guest who wishes to eat with you,” the servant said. The Doctor paused with his teeth in the mutton’s flesh. “Really, who?” he said, taking the mutton away from his mouth. “A Mister John Smith Frog, Sire.” The Doctor frowned. “Don’t know him,” he said. “But anything’s better than listening to my wife berate and belittle me so bring him in and set a place for him.” “Yes, Sire,” the servant said, bowing. The Doctor went back to eating while Rose drummed her fingers on the table and waited for the frog to appear. A moment later, the door opened and there was a trumpet fanfare when the servant stepped into the room. “Announcing Mister John Smith Frog, Esquire,” the servant said loudly. The Doctor and Donna paused and watched the door waiting for this important person to enter while Rose let out a bored sigh and continued to drum her fingers on the table. When the frog hopped in she glanced over at the Doctor and saw the confused look on his face. “Winsleydale!” he yelled. The servant appeared in the doorway. “Yes, Sire?” “Where’s the guest?” “He’s here, Sire.” “Where? All I see is a frog in a suit.” “That’s him, Sire.” The Doctor stared at the frog. “A…frog…” he said, slowly. “You let a frog come into the dining room. Are you completely off your trolley? I know I’m the most important person in all of creation and all life must bow down and pay their respects to me but I draw the line at entertaining Kermit here.” “Your Majesty. I am here at the request of your daughter. I rescued her precious golden ball and she owes me a favor.” The Doctor turned his head and stared at her with his bulging eyes. “You’re now inviting frogs to dine with us, my daughter? Perhaps it’s you who are off your trolley. Do you need to be sectioned or something?” “No…dad…I don’t need to be sectioned. I’m only doing a favor since this frog retrieved my 400 stone ball for me earlier today,” she said sarcastically. “Well, I won’t allow it. Nope, not gonna do it! I refuse to let pond dwellers share my mutton and…” “But your Highness,” Winsleydale said, “according to royal decree 445-A629 anybody who saves the princess’s golden ball from the pond can eat with your magnificence.” “Really? When did I make that decree?” “I believe it was after an all night bender with some of your mates from university. You were quite drunk and told everyone that you needed a new decree and you had it drawn up and signed before you passed out in a pool of your own vomit, Sire.” “Really? Hmmm, I really must remember in future not to consume a barrelful of Mad Dog 20/20 before I issue royal edicts. Very well, I cannot go back on my word. The frog will be allowed to eat with us.” “Oh, this is going too far!” Donna said. “Now we got slimy pond scum eatin’ with us! This place is a mad house! I’m nearly ready to go back to the kingdom of Chiswick!” “Please do and do us all a favor,” the Doctor muttered under his breath. “WHAT WAS THAT?” Donna snarled. “I said, please don’t, dearest. I would miss you terribly,” the Doctor said without missing a beat. “Oh, well, in that case I’ll stay here then.” The Doctor rolled his eyes. Winsleydale sat the frog a place beside Rose and he hopped up onto the table beside her. “Thank you, your Majesty. The food looks delicious.” “Glad someone thinks so,” Donna muttered. The frog was served some mutton, potatoes and carrots and he began to eat while the rest of the family tried to ignore the fact that there was now a little suit and spectacle wearing frog eating with them. Rose watched while the frog tried to eat one of the rock hard potatoes without any teeth. He quickly gave up and turned back to the mutton. He peeled off strips of it with his hands and threw it in his mouth. While he did, he noticed Rose was nearing his face and he paused to look at her. “What are you doing now?” he asked. “Kissing ya.” The frog was taken aback. “You got a thing for frogs or something?” he asked her. Rose puckered up her lips. “Oh, that’s it, I’m not gonna watch my daughter snog a frog. I’m outta here!” Donna said, getting up. “Yippee,” the Doctor said in a barely audible voice. Rose was almost to the frog’s lips when he hopped away. She cursed and sighed when she went back to drumming her fingers on the table. She looked around at Jack who was still standing behind her with his hands behind his back. “You gonna say somethin’?” she asked him. “There’s nothing to say at the moment. It’s all been dialogue. No need for narration,” he replied. “However I will put my two pence in and say that kissing a frog is extremely yucky and gross and I might add that bestiality is outlawed in many, many places all over the known universe. Although I’m not sure about it being outlawed here but still, it’s quite disturbing to think of you with your tongue down a frog’s throat.” “Yeah, thanks for that, Jack,” Rose said. She turned her head around and looked at the Doctor who had gone back to devouring the mutton. She was getting antsy so she decided to speed things up. “Listen, I have an idea. Why don’t we let the frog sleep in my bed tonight?” she said. The Doctor paused in mid chew and stared at her with the bulging eyes again. “You sure you don’t need to be sectioned?” he asked after swallowing. “Sometimes I wonder travelin’ with the Doctor but in this case, no. I just think…it would be a nice little reward for him retrieving my golden ball.” “I thought this was his reward?” “Yeah, but the ball was heavy and he probably nearly broke his little froggy back retrieving it and he needs a rest and all, so why not let him use my bed?” “And you think that sounds perfectly sane coming from your lips?” the Doctor asked. “No, but then again a lot of these fairy tales had extremely daft plot lines that made no sense,” Rose said. She sighed when she saw the confused look on the Doctor’s face. “Just…go with me on this. Sleeping with me is a good idea,” Rose said. The Doctor nodded slowly. “Yes, dearest, you take the frog to bed. I’ll be ringing Bedlam while you’re doing it,” he said. “I think a nice trepanning will be just the thing to release the raving lunatic demons from inside your skull and restore your humors to their proper balance.” Rose sighed and snatched the frog up from the table. “Hey! I was still eating!” he protested. “That mutton was pretty good, lady! I’ve only eaten bugs and spiders up until now, give me a break!” She ignored him and walked away while Jack followed her. “And so the insane frog-shagging princess took the frog back to her bedroom for a night of carnal delights!” he said. Rose shot him a look and Jack shrugged. As they walked the scenery changed around them and they were now in her bedroom. She grabbed a pillow, dumped the frog on it and flopped down beside him. The frog looked around him and peered up at Jack through his tiny spectacles. “You’re going to watch, are ya?” he asked. “I’m the narrator so I have to stay as disgusting as that sounds,” he said. The frog looked at Rose who was lying next to him. “So…I take it you don’t get out much if you’ve resorted to dating frogs,” he said to her. “Just kiss me so we can get this over with,” Rose said. “Can I ask you something? When did this weird fetish of yours start? Is it because you hang out at that pond all the time without any humans around and the wildlife started to look good to ya?” “Just…kiss me.” She glared at Jack when he brought out a brown barf bag from behind his back, opened it and got it ready for use. She closed her eyes, leaned forward and kissed the frog while Jack turned and made retching sounds into the bag. “Wow, so that’s what kissing a human is like. Bit slimy but not bad, I…” “Suddenly, a bright glowing light surrounded him. Rose watched while the light became bigger and spread out into a human form. Then it dissipated and the Doctor lay there with a stunned look on his face. Rose frowned. For some odd reason the brown suit had been replaced with a blue suit and plum t-shirt. He looked at her and looked down at himself as he sat up in bed. “ Wow, this is…different,” he said to himself, “I never thought I’d become a human…RIBBIT!” Rose watched while he threw his hand over his mouth and beat on his chest with his fist. “Excuse me, I didn’t mean to…RIBBIT!” He croaked again and he looked at Rose in shock. “What have you done to me? I’m all wrong now.” He thought for a moment and then his eyes widened with suddenly realization. “Oh my God, I’m part Time Lord, part frog. What have you done to me? I’m a froggy freak!” “I didn’t mean to…” “Didn’t mean to? Look at me; I’m a freakish half breed! I…RIBBIT.” Rose coughed nervously when she saw the murderous look in his eyes. “The princess suddenly realized she made a severe error in judgment when she changed the frog into a weird man frog that didn’t belong anywhere except maybe in a parallel universe. The man frog decided to throttle the princess for what she did to him,” Jack said. The Doctor looked at him. “Throttle her? What a brilliant idea! Thanks, mate!” “Anytime, freakish froggy Time Lord!” Jack said. Rose gasped when the DoctorFrog leapt out of bed and began to hop after her. “COME BACK HERE AND, RIBBIT, LET ME GET MY REVENGE FOR, RIBBIT, WHAT YOU DID TO ME, RIBBIT!” Rose hauled ass to the door with the DoctorFrog in hot pursuit. She flung it open and breathed a sigh of relief when she noticed the main room was just outside. She slammed the door and leaned against it, trying to calm her rapidly beating heart while the DoctorFrog pounded on the door and shouted curses at her. Eventually, he stopped and Rose turned a fearful eye towards the last door. With a sigh, she walked towards it and opened it up.
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