THE SCAVENGER HUNT

Chapter Twenty

“Come on, come on, let’s get this over with,” Rose muttered to herself as they walked deeper into the forest.

By now, there was very little light from above the canopy of leaves and the space between the trees around them was pitch black with little cartoony evil Scooby Doo eyes watching them. Rose rolled her eyes at the cheesiness of it all. Jack, in the meantime, was still sharpening his dagger and the scritch, scritch, scritch was starting to get on Rose’s last nerve.

Finally, she could take it no more, halted in her tracks and turned to face him.

“Alright, I know what’s going on. You were sent by the Queen to kill me and bring my heart back in that gold casket that’s lodged in your pants as proof of my death so the Queen'll be the farest in the land.”

Jack stared at her with wide eyes as he paused in mid-scritch.

“No, actually you’re wrong,” he said, resuming his scritching.

“Come off it, I’ve heard this fairy tale a million times. You’re here to kill me but you’re not going to because you take pity on me and go kill a boar instead.”

“Gee, that’s…an interesting theory,” Jack said as he continued to sharpen his dagger. “What makes you think I’d defy my Queen to save your skin?”

“Because I’m pretty sure the TARDIS wouldn’t let you harm me in the first place since this is some sort of barmy simulation the Doctor made for shits and giggles,” Rose said.

*Scritch, scritch, scritch.*

“You’re a very strange little girl,” Jack Bot said to her. “And very perceptive. You’re right. I could never kill a buxom blonde such as yourself. There’s a shortage of perfect breasts in this world, t’would be a pity to damage yours.”

“Um…isn’t that from the Princess Bride film?”

Jack got a deer in the headlights look.

“Uh…no…I’ve never heard of that film before,” he said hesitantly.

Rose snorted. She stepped aside when Jack Bot excused himself and went off to his left through the impenetrable darkness. Suddenly, Rose heard a pig squealing mixed with the Jack Bot’s animalistic, pagan yell of bloodlust. The squealing died down and Jack Bot appeared with a beating heart in his hand and blood all over the area around his mouth. Rose stared at the blood and then noticed there was a sizable chunk missing from the side of the heart.

“Um, did you just eat the boar’s heart?” she asked, pointing to it.

“Yes, I did it to absorb the wild boar’s strength and virility so I can become a great huntsman. Actually you missed it; I tore the beast apart with my bare hands and teeth in a sort of beserker frenzy. Want me to see if I can find another boar so you can…”

“No, no, I’ll give the whole berserker boar killing a miss, thanks,” Rose said.

“Suit yourself,” Jack said, shrugging. “Now, as for you…”

“I stay here in the woods while you take the boar’s heart back to the Queen.”

“Actually, I was gonna suggest a convent or becoming a prostitute but hey, you wanna stay in the woods, knock yourself out. I’ll just take my leave of you. Just…stay away from Satan, you hear?”

“Yeah, yeah, I won’t become some devil worshiping heathen.”

“Good lass, now I must take my leave of you. Have fun in the woods.”

Rose watched as he walked away singing Zip-a-dee-do-da while he put the heart into the golden casket. Rose sighed and looked around. She glared at the spooky Scooby Doo eyes that were watching her.

“Clear off!” she yelled.

The eyes all disappeared and Rose turned to her right and continued deeper into the woods. She walked for a couple of minutes, trying to find the Dwarfs’ house when she suddenly heard someone loudly clearing their throat. She turned around and saw a Doctor Bot stretched out on a very long and thick limb about fifteen feet off the ground. He looked the same except his face and hands were pink with purple tiger stripes on them.

“Good day, young girl, where are you headed to?”

“The Dwarfs’ house.”

“Aaaaaaaaah, the seven dwarfs’ house?”

“Yeah, do you know where it is?”

“Mmmmm, maybe.”

“Okay, what’s that s’pose to mean?”

“It means…maybe.”

“Right,” Rose said, sighing. “I got no time to play games with ya. Goodbye!”

She turned and was shocked to see the Doctor Bot was now stretched out on another limb in front of her.

“I never said I wouldn’t help you,” he said.

“Okay, where it is then?”

“I never said I would help either.”

Rose sighed and threw up her hands.

“Bye!” she said, walking away.

“Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaait!” the Doctor Bot screamed.

Rose sighed angrily and turned around.

“You must control your temper,” he said.

“Yeah, thanks Freud, bye!” Rose said, waving.

To her amazement, the Doctor Bot slowly disappeared from his feet up his legs to his body, his arms, hands and finally only his head was left. He gave her a wide toothy grin as his head disappeared, leaving only the smile behind hanging in mid-air.

“Aha, now I get the pink and purple stripes,” Rose said. “Bye, Cheshire Doctor!”

“Bye Bye, Rooooooooooooooosie!” the mouth said before it faded away.

“Okay, so we’ve had Snow White, Wizard of Oz and Alice in Wonderland, what other things are mixed into this scenario then?” Rose muttered.

She started to walk off when she suddenly heard the sound of a blade being sharpened on a whetstone in the woods off to her right.

“Oh look, Conan the Barbarian’s back,” she muttered to herself.

But to her surprise, Jack didn’t come out of the woods, instead it was a young man in his late twenties with an angular face, short brown hair and hazel eyes who was dressed in a Victorian outfit, cape and top hat. He was carrying a long Lister knife and a whetstone similar to Jack’s.

“Good day,” the man said in a low, sinister voice.

“Hello, who are you then?”

The man reached into his trouser pocket and gave her a business card. Rose studied it. It said…

JACK THE RIPPER.
MANIAC, WHORE KILLER, SOLICITOR.

“Solicitor?” Rose said.

“I moonlight as one, being a certifiable loony and whore killer are nice but it doesn’t pay the bills,” Jack said, shrugging. “So, how about you? Are you a dirty whore what needs killin’?”

“No.”

“Oh good, then I’ll walk with you,” he said cheerfully.

They took two steps.

“You sure you aren’t a dirty whore what needs killin’?” Jack repeated.

“No.”

“Okay then, let’s be on our way.”

Rose and Jack walked through the dark and scary woods. Rose looking around for a way out while Jack rambled on cheerfully about dirty whores and how they need to be gutted like fish. Then suddenly, the darkness parted like a curtain in front of them and the sunlight shown through the tree trunks as they reached the edge of a clearing. Through it, Rose saw a quaint thatched cottage and figured it was where the dwarves must be living. She stepped out into the sunlit clearing and looked back at Jack.

“You comin’?” Rose said to him.

“No, no, I never go beyond this point. Too much sun for my liking. Besides, no dirty whores here and I need to be where they are so I can gut them like fishes and wear their skin like a sort of waistcoat. Not to mention making the skin into a mask so I can pretend to be a dirty whore meself and masturbate while I…”

“I don’t wanna hear anymore, thanks,” Rose said quickly.

“Well, be careful, those dwarves are a weird group of people. Always singing and dancing and cavortin’ with animals, not a whore killer among them.”

“Well, good on them,” Rose muttered to herself.

“Bye Rose, take care and good luck, even if you are a woman who’s probably a dirty whore in disguise and…”

“BYE!” Rose said, loudly as she ran towards the house.

Jack watched her run up to the door, shook his head and resumed sharpening his knife while he turned and walked back into the darkened forest.

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