THE SCAVENGER HUNT
Chapter Twenty Three To Rose’s relief, time suddenly shifted and it was the next morning. She was glad the shift happened since it meant she wouldn’t have to cook for the dwarves or try to fend off Randy when they went to bed. The next thing she knew they were all standing around her in a semicircle, pickaxes over their right shoulders. “Now you be careful,” Doc said, wagging his finger at her. “The evil queen might come looking for you.” “In other words, you see some ugly shrew-faced tart with skin like parchment; don’t open the door for her!” Grumpy said. Rose glared at Grumpy, wanting nothing more than to kick him through the window. Before she could get a chance to do it though, everyone turned and formed a straight line, one behind the other with Doc at the front. He opened the front door while Weepy, who was in the back, turned and looked up at her. “You’ll still be my friend when I get back, won’t you?” he said, his eyes misting over. “Yes, I’ll still be your friend,” Rose said. Weepy burst into happy tears and hugged her legs while the others sighed and shook their heads. “Okay, let’s be off before I ram the point of this pickaxe into Weepy’s head,” Grumpy said. Rose managed to pry Weepy off her leg and he smiled at her and waved as he followed the others out the door. “Hi-ho, hi-ho, it’s off to work we go…” Rose slammed the door and sank against it. “Christ, I hope I can get out of this one with me sanity intact,” she muttered to herself. She wandered over to a chair by the kitchen table and sank down into it. She was about to go upstairs and take a nap while she waited for the Jackie bot to show up when suddenly the front door opened and three women wearing medieval peasant clothes and scarves on their heads came inside. Rose was in shock as the first woman, who resembled Bea Arthur from The Golden Girls, closed the door and turned to the woman with a blonde bouffant and a short dumpy fat lady with dark black hair and twenty double chins. Rose stared at them wondering where in the hell they came from and why she didn’t remember them being in the story. “Okay, girls,” the Bea Arthur lookalike said as they went around the house completely ignoring Rose while they closed all the windows and plugged up the cracks with handkerchiefs. “We must be very quiet and work quickly before Briar gets back from her walk. Mistress Fauna, you’re in charge of the cake and Mistress Merryweather, you make her dress and make it pink.” “No, I want it blue! It’s not fair, Mistress Flora, you always get to be in charge and tell me what to do,” Merryweather, the pudgy woman, said. She gasped when Mistress Flora seized her by her the bodice of her blue dress. “It’s because I have seniority, you fat fuck!” she growled. “Now if I hear one more thing about blue dresses, I’m gonna cast a spell and add forty stone to your already blimpy girth, you got that?” Merryweather nodded meekly and hurried away to find the fabric. “Bitch,” Mistress Fauna muttered under her breath. “What did you say?” Mistress Flora said, spinning around. “I said the witch, we have to work in secrecy so the witch, Maleficent, doesn’t suspect we’re here,” Mistress Fauna said quickly. “Yes, and that’s why we won’t use the wands for this. We’ll have to do all this like mortals would.” “Wait a tick, you’re the three fairies from the Sleeping Beauty film,” Rose said, getting up and walking over to them. “You’re in the wrong house in the wrong story.” The women gasped when they finally realized she was in the house. “Briar Rose! What are you doing home?” Mistress Flora said. “My name isn’t Briar Rose. It’s Rose White and somehow you wandered into the Snow White story instead of Sleeping Beauty and…” “You can’t be here!” Mistress Fauna said. “Yes, child, we need…you to go out and pick some berries for supper,” Mistress Flora said, shoving her towards the door. “Wait, you don’t understand, this isn’t Sleeping Beauty!” Rose protested as Mistress Merryweather opened the door for them. She cried out when Mistress Flora head butted her in the ass and she stumbled out the door and landed with a grunt on her stomach. “Now,” Mistress Flora said, tossing a wicker basket out the door, “go and pick some berries and don’t come back until the basket’s full.” She slammed the door and Rose started to get up when she opened it again. “And stay away from spinning wheels,” she said quickly before slamming it again. “That’s it! I’m outta here,” Rose said as she stomped off. “I’m finding a way to make the Doctor aware that I’m in here and then I’ll kill him for dreaming up this crazy place.” She walked into the forest, ignoring the fact that it had once again grown dark around her. She ignored the cartoon Scooby Doo eyes and the female’s scream in the distance followed by Jack the Ripper yelling, “Die, you dirty whore!” She went past the Cheshire Doctor who was once again stretched out lazily on a long tree limb. “Giving up, I see,” he called to her. Rose ignored him and walked on. She was so enraged that she didn’t hear someone whistling until the fourth time they did it. She stopped and looked over at Prince Orange Squash Biffybottoms the Twenty Third who was on the other side of the clearing she had wandered into. He was facing the other way as he rode Snoggy. “Hullo, I know you, you’re the peasant woman who likes to talk to well water,” he said to her. “Leave me alone,” Rose muttered as she walked away. She walked out of the clearing back into the forest. As she walked along, she suddenly heard hoofbeats directly behind her and felt hot horse breath on her back. “You know,” the prince said behind her. “It isn’t done for you to just walk off like that. I’m a prince, you know. I could have your head for that.” “Then have my head. I’m out of here,” Rose yelled as she kept on walking. She hoped that’d be the end of that but instead she continued to hear the hoof beats and feel Snoggy’s hot breath on her back. Sighing angrily, she whirled around to confront the prince and let out a grunt when Snoggy’s head connected with her chest and sent her ass to the ground. “Um…you shoulda said something before you turned around because now look at yourself,” the prince said as he sat atop his horse. “Yeah, well, I’m barely able to think right now as mad as I am. So if you don’t mind, clear off and leave me alone. I got a certain alien I need to kill before the day is through.” “I see.” Rose spun around and stomped away. She threw up her hands when almost immediately she heard the hoof beats and felt the hot breath on her back. “Where is this person you’re going to kill?” the prince said to her. “Far, far away,” Rose said. “I see. And why are you wanting to kill him?” Rose started to turn around to tell him to mind his own business. Then she remembered what happened the last time she did that. “I’M GOING TO TURN AROUND AND TALK TO YOU!” she said loudly. She heard the hoofbeats stop. She turned around and saw the prince grinning at her. “Now see, if you’d done that before, you wouldn’t have had your mishap,” the prince said. “Sometimes it pays not to get in a rush!” “Yes, thanks, I’ll remember that in future. Now will you please leave me alone? I wanna be by myself.” “Now look here, I’m a prince and I’ve already given you more leeway than I would have given any other peasant because I think you’re well fit and you have fabulous tits. But even that is not enough to keep you from the chopping block should my patience run out. I’m trying to talk to you and I’m being polite and I don’t appreciate your snippiness.” “If you’re trying to talk to me, why are you up there then?” Rose said, pointing to him. “Because I’m the prince and you’re a commoner. Why? You want me to get off my…high horse? Get it, high horse?” “Yeah, funny,” Rose muttered. “Just piss off.” She noticed the murderous look in his eyes and realized she had gone too far. Before he could do anything, she turned around and hauled ass through the woods. She listened as she ran and was relieved when she didn’t hear any hoof beats. She looked back and saw he wasn’t following her anymore and slowed down. She kept on walking for another twenty minutes until she saw sunlight peeking through the trees. “At last,” Rose said, breathing a sigh of relief. “Now I can finally get outta here and…” Her mouth dropped open when she stepped out of the forest and saw the dwarfs’ cottage directly in front of her. Several birds took flight and several forest creatures looked up from eating when they heard her scream out, “SHIT!” On his horse, Prince Orange Squash Biffybottoms the Twenty Third heard her and shook his head, muttering to himself about peasants and their manners as he rode through the forest.
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