THE SCAVENGER HUNT
Chapter Twenty Six The Doctor scratched his head as he stepped out of the fifteenth room in a row. For the past three hours he’d been searching for Rose but couldn’t find her anywhere. He’d mentally asked the TARDIS if she had gone back up to the console room and received a negative reply. He searched the common rooms they all shared, the living room, kitchen, lavatories, still no sign of her. “Where the hell did she go?” the Doctor muttered as he opened door number sixteen. “AND STAY OUT!!!” The three fairies grunted when Rose shoved them out the door of the dwarf’s cottage and slammed it shut as they fell face first to the ground. They got up, dusted themselves off and glared at the door. “Bitch!” Mistress Flora screamed as the three of them used their tiny wings to fly into the woods. Rose sank against the inside the door and shook her head. On the table there was now a sloppy mess of a half made seven layer birthday cake and in the corner on a chair was a half made blue/pink medieval gown. The broom was magically running around the floor sweeping up the shit. Rose had no idea how to turn it off and frankly she didn’t want to since it was cleaning up the house, so with a weary sigh, she went past it, up the stairs and flopped down on four of the beds on the other side of the room, waiting patiently for the Queen to come so she could escape at last. She lay there staring up at the ceiling when she suddenly heard the door opening downstairs. For a moment, she figured it was the fairies coming back for a rematch and was going to get up and go back downstairs but figured it didn’t matter what happened in the end so long as she got out of the simulation in one piece, so she stayed put. She heard someone muttering to themselves as they walked around downstairs. “I hope to God you three bitches are cleaning up your mess while you’re down there,” Rose muttered to herself as she stared at the ceiling. Then she heard them coming up the stairs. With a sigh, she sat up on the furthest bed but was shocked when she saw a little girl of about eight years old with a chubby face and long blonde hair that was curled into ringlets. She had a blue dress with a little blue apron tied on the front of it. Ignoring Rose, she walked over to Doc’s bed and sat down on it. “This bed is too hard,” she said in a high-pitched voice. Rose eyed her when she got up, walked to Grumpy’s bed and sat down on it. “This bed is too hard,” she repeated as she got up. She walked over to Weepy’s bed and sat down. “This bed is too hard.” “Alright, that’ll be quite enough of that!” Rose said, getting up. “Get out!” She seized the girl by her arm and ignored her violent protests as she marched her down the stairs, through the house and shoved her out the door. “BITCH!” she heard her say as Rose slammed it shut. “Yeah, yeah, whatever,” Rose muttered as she walked away. She took four steps and froze when she heard what sounded like someone gnawing on the doorframe. An exasperated sigh escaped her lips as she spun around, marched back to the door and flung it open. Instead of the eight year old girl, now there was an eight year old boy dressed in lederhosen who was trying to eat the doorframe. “What the hell are you doing?” Rose asked him. The boy looked at her with inquisitive brown eyes. “Ist dieses eine Süßigkeit Haus?” he said to her. “What?” Rose said. “I don’t speak German, kid.” The boy paused for a moment. “Is this candy house?” he asked her in slow, broken English. It suddenly occurred to Rose who the kid was and why he was trying to eat the doorframe. “No Hansel, this isn’t the witch’s gingerbread house. You’re in the wrong bleedin’ story.” “You aren’t ze witch?” Hansel asked. “No, although I’m sure the people I just chucked out of my house would beg to differ,” she muttered. Just then, a fat girl in Bavarian clothes wandered around the corner of the house holding several pieces of roof shingle in her hands. “You! Clear off, both of ya and quit eatin’ the damn house!” Rose yelled as she thrust her finger towards the woods. “But where is ze witch and her candy haus?” Hansel asked. “Don’t know, don’t care, go away and leave me alone.” “BITCH!” Hansel and Gretel screamed when she slammed the door in their faces. Rose let out a strangled scream and yelled about killing the Doctor as she ran back upstairs to the bedroom. Donna definitely had a bad feeling about this. She was sitting with the Master at the end of a long, long table that filled up most of a long, long room. Thanks to the haunted house she had gone through, she had a good idea what was happening and that this Master person was one of the robots, but for the life of her, she couldn’t figure out why the Doctor had this room in the first place. “So, you are the latest to come and try your luck at marrying my son,” the Master finally said to her. Donna shrugged. “S’pose so,” she said, once again wondering why the Doctor had a fairy tale room in the TARDIS “Then you must pass a test before being found worthy to marry my son,” the Master said. “You must prove you are a real princess by sleeping on several mattresses. The bottom mattress contains a single pea. If you can feel the pea, we will know you are, indeed, a real princess.” “Uh-huh,” Donna said, half distracted as she ate her roast beef which turned out to be surprisingly real and surprisingly good. “And who will I marry if I win?” The Master clapped his hands together and Donna was stunned when a Doctor bot came into the room, naked except for a candy apple red thong. He walked up to the Master and knelt at his side. “What does my Master command?” he asked him while Donna’s mouth nearly hit the floor. “Go and fetch my son. The newest princess wishes to see him.” “I obey, my Master.” As he turned to leave, Donna quickly averted her eyes when she noticed the thong’s string was up in his butt crack and his butt was hanging out the back. She noticed some writing on his butt cheeks, quickly looked and then turned her head away again when she saw Property of the Master tattooed on his ass in bold, black lettering. She kept her eyes averted until she heard the door slam and then with a sigh, went back to her roast beef. When she noticed the door opening five minutes later, she averted her eyes again towards the Master but saw him giving her a stern look and pointing back towards the door. Gathering up her courage and willing her food to stay down, she looked where he was pointing and her mouth nearly dropped to the floor when she saw Prince William Windsor standing there beside the mostly naked Doctor bot. “Hello, Donna,” Prince William said, smiling warmly. “Him?” Donna said to the Master. “Wait, I pass your test, I get to marry him?” “Of course,” the Master replied. “Why? Is he not acceptable?” “Oh no, he’s very much acceptable,” Donna replied. “Very good then. William, that’ll be all! Go play with Kate until I have need of you again.” “Yes, Father,” William said, bowing. He left the room and the Doctor bot started to follow him when the Master whistled. “Not you, Thomas, come!” he said, beckoning to the Doctor. “What do you want with him?” Donna asked as Thomas came towards the Master. “What don’t I want with him?” the Master purred as he stood up. Donna sat there in openmouthed shock as Thomas came up to him and the Master began to run his finger down his bare chest. “Have you been a good boy today, Thomas?” the Master said to him. “Yes, Master.” “Oooo, I like it when you use my name,” the Master said in a husky voice as he put his hands on Thomas’s butt cheeks. “Oi, I’m right here!” Donna said angrily as the two of them began to snog. “Hey, can I be shown to my room now? Hey! HEEEEEEEEEEY!” Martha munched on her popcorn while she watched the Doctor and Rose tromping through the snowstorm as they made their way to the ice castle. Once they were there, the Doctor knocked on the front door and mouthed something. LET US IN, WE’RE FREEZING OUT HERE! The door opened and Martha saw the villain peering out at them. The Doctor smiled warmly and extended his hand. HELLO, I’M THE DOCTOR AND THIS IS ROSE TYLER. WE’RE FREEZING OUR ARSES OFF, MAY WE COME IN AND WARM OURSELVES? The Villain looked right at Rose and Martha snorted when her clothes were replaced for a few seconds by a skimpy bikini and chains around her wrists, ankles and neck before the clothes came back. The Villain smiled sweetly. WHY, OF COURSE, FEEL FREE TO COME IN AND WARM YOURSELVES BY MY FIRE. “And of course, the Doctor goes right in,” Martha muttered as the Villain stepped aside and let them pass. BUT ALL IS NOT AS IT SEEMS, FOR OUR HEROES ARE IN MORTAL DANGER. “Ya think?” Martha said as she read the title card. The scene shifted to a large banquet hall where the Doctor, Rose and the Villain were eating and talking to one another. Martha leaned forward to see what they were talking about and she guessed the Doctor was talking about the size and bounciness of Rose’s rack and the Villain was agreeing with him that they were indeed large and bouncy while Rose just ate her bangers and mash and ignored them completely. Martha rolled her eyes at that and took a sip of her soda. SUDDENLY, THE VILLAIN STRIKES WHEN HIS GUESTS ARE AT THEIR MOST VULNERABLE! The title card cut away and now Rose was up against the ice wall in her chains and bikini while the Doctor was tied up from his neck to his ankles in a large heavy rope that had been coiled around and around his body while he had a huge gag in his mouth. He lay on the floor struggling to get free while the Villain threw back his head and laughed silently. FOOLISH ONES, YOU HAVE BECOME MY PRISONERS AND NOW YOU WILL BE EXECUTED WHILE THE PRETTY ONE WATCHES! The title card cut to a close up of Rose who was pretending to cry and shaking her head and pleading with the Villain. Then it cut to a close up of the Villian who held his finger up and then pointed down at the Doctor who was off camera. BECAUSE I AM SO EVIL, I WILL MAKE YOUR BELOVED BATTLE FOR HIS LIFE AND WE WILL WATCH AS HE IS TORN APART BY… Jack bot played a dramatic chord as stock footage was shown of a polar bear rising up on his hind legs and roaring. NO, PLEASE, I BEG YOU, LET HIM GO! It cut back to Rose just as she finished mouthing that and the Villain laughed again. He kicked the struggling Doctor in the side and laughed again. NOW, IT IS TIME FOR YOU TO MEET YOUR DEATH! SLAVES, TAKE HIM TO THE ARENA AND RELEASE THE POLAR BEAR!
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