THE SCAVENGER HUNT
Chapter Twenty Eight Donna faced him as she slowly tried to come down off the ladder. “Look, you better not touch me because I know someone who’ll be very put out if you do.” “Oh, I have no intention of touching you. I like to keep my hands clean.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out something that resembled a sonic screwdriver. “Wait, I know what that is. It’s a sonic screwdriver and it can’t hurt people.” “No, in point of fact, Your Highness, this is a tissue compressor,” he said. “What does it do?” Donna said warily. “It shrinks things…like this!” Donna leapt off the ladder seconds before the Master aimed and fired the compressor at her. She gritted her teeth and rammed into him, throwing him off balance. She gasped when another bolt of energy went past her head followed by the Master letting out a torrent of swear words. Donna picked up speed as she headed back to the front door. She gritted her teeth again when Thomas ran over, intending to block her way. She glanced back and saw the Master was running after her, readying his compressor to fire. Thinking fast, she sidestepped out of the way, just as the beam went past her and struck Thomas in the chest. To her horror, Thomas started shrinking into a tiny doll. “THOMAS, NOOOO! OH, YOU’LL PAY FOR THAT!” the Master snarled. “DOCTOR, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, HELP!” Donna screamed as she ran towards the door. “IF YOU DON’T GET YOUR ARSE IN HERE AND SAVE ME, SO HELP ME GOD WHEN I DIE, I’M GONNA MAKE YOUR LIFE HELL BY HAUNTING IT!” She kept looking back and ducking the beams of energy the Master fired her way. Finally, after what seemed like ages, she reached the front door. To her relief, she found it unlocked. Flinging it open, she ran through and slammed it hard before she staggered over to the wall across the way and slumped against it, breathing heavily. Martha munched on her popcorn while she watched the battle unfolding on the movie screen. By now the villain had caught up with the Doctor and Rose and he and the Doctor were battling for the fate of the world since the Villain had a snow gun that would freeze the entire world. OKLAHOMA WAS ONLY A TEST, DOCTOR! SOON THE ENTIRE WORLD WILL BE BURIED UNDER A MOUNTAIN OF SNOW! The title card cut back to a close up of the Doctor mouthing something. NOT IF I CAN HELP IT! The two combatants punched and kicked each other while Rose stood by, wringing her hands and pretty much being a useless lump. Martha wondered why that was and then remembered that back in the 1920’s silent movies like these were filled with women who didn’t do much of anything to save themselves so she figured the Doctor was following suit. However, knowing her friend and knowing she would do a lot more than just stand by striking melodramatic poses while the Doctor was fighting made it annoying to see this Rose doing just that. She sighed when the cheesy fight went on and on for about ten minutes with no breaks from any title cards. Suddenly, she received a jolt when the black and white picture suddenly became colorful and she saw the Doctor standing on a beach with a beautiful sunset behind him. “Hi,” he said aloud, “I’m the Doctor. Have you ever dreamed of getting away from it all? The nine to five job, the kids, the overall ennui of life?” “What the hell is this? Where’s the soddin’ movie?” Martha muttered. “Then why not sign up to be my companion and you can experience beautiful vistas like this one!” the Doctor said, gesturing to the sunset. “I’m already your companion. Get back to the film,” Martha growled. She sighed when the advert continued on and the scene switched to a guillotine surrounded on all sides by a bloodthirsty crowd. In front of the crowd was the Doctor who was casually standing there with his hands in his pockets and a lopsided smile on his face. “Perhaps you’ve always fancied a trip to the French Revolution!” the Doctor said. Behind him, a man was being dragged up the platform to the guillotine and put into it while the crowd bayed for his blood. The Doctor seemed not to notice a man was about to get killed and continued to smile as the blade went down and the man’s head fell into the basket. As the crowd cheered, the scene shifted to the Doctor standing in front of another platform. This time a man was strapped to a table and a hooded executioner was standing over him with a big long curved knife. “Or…” the Doctor said as the crowd behind him bayed for blood, “how about a good old fashioned drawn and quartering in England in 1252?” Martha squeezed her eyes shut and heard the sound of the man groaning and the crowd cheering. Then the cheering was suddenly cut short and she opened her eyes. They nearly bulged out of her head when she saw the Doctor sitting in the middle of a muddy pigsty, covered in mud while pigs grunted around him. “Or even a pigsty in Germany in 1785,” the Doctor said with his usual happy smiling face as pigs rooted in the mud around him. “No thanks, Doctor, I think I’ll give sitting in the German pigsty a miss,” Martha muttered. The scene shifted again and the Doctor was standing on the other side of the Thames overlooking London. “So why be here?” he said, pointing to London. The scene shifted to him standing in front of stock footage of an erupting volcano. “When you can be here!” he said, pointing to the volcano. “Come and join me and together we’ll see things you’ve only dreamed of!” “Yeah, like pigsties,” Martha said dryly. The scene shifted to a large close up of the Doctor’s smiling face while the cartoon TARDIS spun around it and TARDIS TOURS was under it. Bouncy music played while it spun around. Then the scene shifted to a black background with a disclaimer written on it in white letting. NOTE: The Doctor chooses his own companions based on merit and the ability not to give him a hard time when he’s flying around time and space. Do not attempt to ring, write, find or stalk the Doctor and/or any of his companions. The Doctor does not guarantee a good time every time you step out of his TARDIS and he does not guarantee you will not suffer injury or death. Do not sue the Doctor if you end up hurt or dead. The Doctor does not carry money of any kind on his person and anyway, the moment he does learn of your petty, frivolous lawsuit, he will be into the vortex and away from you before you can blink. Don’t blink, don’t even blink, blink and you’re dead…oh…wait, got off on a tangent there, sorry. Anyway, the Doctor will contact you if he feels you are worthy of being his disciple who will worship his magisterial greatness. Do not, I repeat, do not latch on to his leg and beg him to take you with him. It’s very undignified not to mention the Doctor won’t be able to walk and he’ll be forced to get you off his leg with a prybar. Then he will use the prybar on your head and that will hurt very, very much. Not for him, obviously, for you. The Doctor may be prone to fits of megalomania at times which will result in horrendous delusions of grandeur in which he is the master of time and space and can bend them to his will while you are a little person he deems worthy of getting up from his throne for and saving. Do not attempt to reason with the Doctor during these delusions, simply pick up the TARDIS phone, ring 999 and a robot will supply you with the Doctor’s special sleepy time, sleep it off pills that make him feel all happy and fuzzy and will make him forget he’s the king of the whole sodding universe once he “sleeps it off.” The Doctor is not an encyclopedia of everything that you can just consult whenever you bloody feel like it so do not ask him question after question or out comes the prybar again. If you respect the Doctor, humor him and be his constant friend, he will give you hours of free travel and fun and the occasional psychopath who will try to kill you. The Doctor is not owned by anyone, he owns himself and the whole of time and space because he is the last and he is the winner, damn it! “Okay, get back to the film!” Martha yelled at the screen. “Shhh, people are trying to watch the movie!” the Jack bot said to her. Martha flipped him off and ignored the dirty look he gave her. She breathed a sigh of relief when the disclaimer went away and the movie came back. Her mouth dropped open when she noticed that the Doctor was now standing triumphantly over the villain who was now the one wrapped up in rope. “Hey! Wait! How the hell did he defeat him?” Martha yelled at the scream when the Time Lord Victorious title card came up again. “Oh, that’s it, that’s enough for me; I’m not watching this daft thing any longer!” She got up, intending to go out of the theater but the moment she did the house lights came up. “Wait!” jack yelled to her. “It’s a double feature!” Martha paused and gave him a wary look. “Yeah? What’s the next one called then?” she said. “Doctor Badass,” Jack bot said. Martha raised her eyebrow. “Doctor Badass, as in the coming attractions thing I saw before the film?” “That’s the one.” Martha debated for a moment and then shrugged. “Yeah, I’m filled with enough morbid curiosity to watch it,” she said as she plopped back down in her seat.
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