THE SCAVENGER HUNT
Chapter Thirty Three "The Doctor!" the first preview said as a large photo of his head filled up the movie screen. "The greatest man in the universe! Thrill to a full four hours of him and his exploits and then once it's done, ask yourself... IS THE DOCTOR, GOD?" Martha raised his eyebrow when the image changed to Michelangelo's Sistine Chapel painting of God touching Adam's finger. Except God's head was replaced by the Doctor. The preview ended and Martha shook her head. "Sounds like a boring film to me," she muttered. "Are you kidding? Four hours of that hot ass. Makes me wet just thinking about it." Martha gave Esther a long, hard stare when she smiled sweetly in return. She nearly jumped out of her seat when she heard the Doctor let out a loud, amplified scream. She jerked her head back to the screen and saw an image of the Doctor standing on the edge of a precipice just bellowing at the top of his lungs. For two minutes, Martha's ears were assaulted as the stereo sound amplified the aaaaaah the Doctor was screaming. Then suddenly he stopped and grinned a cheesy grin at the camera. "See what I just did? Talking loudly is forbidden in this cinema because it's very, very rude," he said. "So keep your gob shut or bad things will happen to you." "There's a difference between talking and screaming like a bloody banshee," Martha said to the screen. "And no mobiles are allowed," the screen Doctor said, holding one up. "Lord knows the last thing we want to hear is this..." He opened it up and Martha was shocked when he started loud pornographic breathing while his fingers danced over his crotch. "Yeah," screen Doctor said in a husky voice, "that's it, take your nightie off and touch your nipple. Do it, bitch!" He looked at the camera and folded up the mobile before throwing it off the precipice. "Yup, mobiles a no-no here and for God's sake, don't become so randy you have to rape the person next to you. We don't want to clean up the mess." "What the hell sort of cinema is this?" Martha said, shaking her head. "It's like the Doctor's amped up on meth or something." As if to confirm her theory, the Doctor rushed to the camera, opened his mouth up and Martha saw the inside of the Doctor's mouth while he breathed heavily and fogged up the lens. WE REGRET TO INFORM YOU THAT THE DOCTOR'S GONE OFF HIS ROCKER... AGAIN, a suddenly title card said when it flashed up on the screen. HE DOES THAT SOMETIMES SO YOU HAVE TO BE PATIENT WITH THE MAN. The title card disappeared and the Doctor had on a strait jacket while he ran around in a circle, clucking like a chicken. Martha let out a bored sigh and started to get up and leave when she suddenly saw the TARDIS logo and heard a fanfare playing. She sat back down and watched the Doctor while he drove down the street in his candy apple red Ferrari. Then something that sounded like the Theme to Shaft started to play while the Doctor drove and the words DOCTOR BADASS was superimposed over his face in big black lettering. Martha listened to the song while the Doctor drove his car. Doctor Badass, that's his name. "Okay, that was stupid," Martha said as she watched the Doctor park his car beside a building. The Doctor got out, reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out a pair of dark sunglasses. He reached into the car and pulled out an uzi. With a confident swagger, he went into the building which turned out to be the inside of a posh bank. Martha ate her popcorn and watched while the Doctor strutted until he was several feet away from a huge bank vault. He stood looking at it for a moment and Martha figured he was gonna rob the bank. Instead, he walked on, turned left after the teller counter and went into a tiny narrow corridor. The camera came in close and Martha noticed he was going into a men's restroom. Then the image shifted to the Doctor sitting on the bog, whistling while he took a shit with the uzi on his lap. Then the image shifted to the Doctor going back out and heading back towards the door. As he was walking towards the door, a small mousy security guard came up from behind and tapped him on the shoulder. "Yeah?" the Doctor said. "Do you have business here?" the security guard asked. "No, I did my business in your loo because I needed to. So fuck off, honkey. I'm Doctor Badass and I just took a dump in your toilet. There's no one that's badder than me." "What?" Martha said while the Doctor strolled out of the bank. "Yeah, you used a bank's loo without doing anything else, you're a real rebel alright, Doctor." The Doctor drove his Ferrari down the street while the instrumental version of his theme song played. Then he pulled up next to an alley, stopped the car and got out with the uzi. The Doctor walked over to the alley where Jack was slouched up against the wall. "You got the stuff?" the Doctor asked him. "Yeah, got the money?" Jack said in a gruff voice. "No, I never carry cash," the Doctor said. Martha paused in mid-chew when the two men just froze and stared at each other without saying anything else. "Okay... what happens next?" Martha said after a moment of silence. "You got the stuff?" the Doctor finally said. "Yeah, got the money?" Jack repeated. "No, I never carry cash." There followed another two minutes of silence. "This is the stupidest thing I've ever seen," Martha said. "Damn, what I wouldn't give to be in the middle of their naked man ho sandwich!" Martha rolled her eyes at Esther's remark, wishing the robot would go away or short out or do something. "You got the stuff?" the Doctor said again while Martha let out a long, ragged sigh. "Yeah, got the money?" "No, I never carry cash." To Martha's surprise, they went on with the scene instead of just staring at each other like a couple of idiots. "What do you propose we do then if you have no money?" Jack asked. The Doctor raised his uzi, shot a single bullet into his head, grabbed the small brown paper sack Jack had for him and calmly walked back to the car while Jack's body slumped against the wall of the alley. He screeched his tires and zoomed off seconds before the hole closed up, Jack woke up and cursed at the Doctor for shooting him for the zillionth time without paying for the merchandise. The image cut back to the Doctor driving his car. He suddenly slammed on the brakes, causing Martha to grit her teeth at the stereo sound enhanced screech of the tires. He stopped next to Donna who was standing up against a wall, clad in trashy hooker clothes. The Doctor got out, walked up to her, slapped the shit out of her face and got back in the car, zooming off while Donna rubbed her face. "It's been a productive day so far," a voiceover said while the Doctor drove. "Doctor Badass took a dump in a bank without doing anything else, got his stuff from his usual dealer and he just slapped his stinkin' ho up because she don't work hard enough. Surely he is the biggest badass alien mofo in the universe." "Yeah, leaving now, I've seen enough of Doctor Badass," Martha said, getting up. "Wait, Sweetie, the film's not over yet," Esther said, alarmed. "It is for me. You stare at your man hos and get off on them. I'll be on my way," Martha said, throwing her popcorn down into the seat and walking off. "Wait!" Esther said while Martha ignored her, walked out of the theater and went to find the rest of her friends before something else came along that threatened to drive her insane.
Traveling time is this cool cat's game.
He loves his women, he loves his booze.
He wears converse trainers for his shoes.
You may think Doctor Badass is a decent bloke.
Someone with whom you can have a beer and a smoke.
But don't let him fool ya, he's the man.
He'll pop a cap in yo ass if he can.
And kick yo dead ass back to Afghanistan.
He's Doctor Badass, ya'll. Give him props!
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