THE SWAN SONG

When she says to me, she will always be there
To watch and protect me I don't have to be scared
Oh, and when she says to me I will always love you
I won't need to worry 'cause I know that it's true

I want a mom when I get lonely
Who will take the time to play
A mom who can be a friend and a rainbow when it's gray
I want a mom to read me stories
And sing a lullaby
And if I have a bad dream, to hold me when I cry

Oh,
I want a mom that will last forever
I want a mom to make it all better
I want a mom that will last forever
I want a mom that will love me whatever, forever
I want a mom that will last forever
I want a mom to make it all better
I want a mom that will last forever
I want a mom that will love me whatever

I Want a Mum That Lasts Forever – Cyndi Lauper


Phantom Mother

Carly stared up at the blue sky. She was once again on the decks, not interested in the spa treatments or any of the activities and bored of lying round the pool all the time she found standing on the decks and watching the world go by something she did regularly. She sighed heavily; they had already entered the South China Sea and were going to dock any day now.

Denise was walking towards her while holding the black clay pot as if it was holding the most precious jewel in the world. Well to her and Denise it was the most precious jewel in the world.

"I thought...i thought Kevin would like his ashes to be here" Denise said quietly.

"Yeah...yeah he would" Carly said already feeling tears build up in her eyes as she took the lid off. She took a handful of the fine black/grey powder. "Hello Dad" she whispered to it. "I just wanted to say...thank you, thank you for everything you have done for me. Thank you for looking our for me, thank you for protecting me, thank you for loving me" she took an uneven, shaky breath. "I love you and I hope you're happy with Jimbo"

She opened her hand and allowed the ashes to slowly sprinkle out of her hand and into the sea.

Denise took a handful. "Hello darling, how are you?" she said in a throaty voice as she tried to hold back her own tears. "It doesn't feel right without you, I keep waking up and turning to face you only instead of your ugly mug I see nothing. Instead of feeling your arms holding me I feel nothing. I really wish you were here properly, not just for me but for the girls and Deano because we all needed you" Denise felt her tears run freely down her cheeks. "I really want to kiss you right now and you're not here"

She threw the ashes into the sea. Without speaking the two women threw the rest of the ashes into the ocean as their faces were soaked with their tears and snot.

The journey was about to end, Carly thought to herself, and I need to know what I'm going to do after this.

DWDWDWDWDWDWDWDWDW

They had left the cruise boat for one last time and headed to a nice hotel that served a traditional western breakfast because even though they wanted to know more about the Chinese Culture they weren't ready to have things like soup for breakfast. After a goodnight sleep the two women sat opposite ends of the small table eating a traditional English breakfast while gulping down coffee.

"I'm going back to Walford" Denise said suddenly. "Chelsea is finally out of prison and according to Yolande she needs me. Libby is doing well but she still misses me and needs a mother and..."

"It's all right Denise. I know" Carly said calmly as she cut a bit of bacon and shoved it in her mouth, she waited until she finished chewing and swallowing before she spoke again. "You're a mother; your children should come first"

"You do realise I consider you as one of my daughters as well?" Denise said sharply, Carly made a small movement of her head almost a nod. "Am I booking two or one tickets to England?"

"One"

There was a long silence.

"I don't want to go back to England" Carly elaborated. "I don't think I could handle it now that Dad is gone. I want to keep on seeing the world, keep on living in the way Dad always wanted to. I know Deano is probably needing me but...well this is something I got to do"

"I understand" Denise said holding Carly's hand. "You are your father's daughter"

"I'm not" Carly whispered with regret and sorrow, though somehow she swore she has said this a million times before.

DWDWDWDWDWDWDWDWDW

Carly laid there on her back staring up at the ceiling.

When she was a child she had created a phantom mother. Someone that would do mumsy things, someone that would be there for her no matter what. Even now Carly can picture the loving young woman tucking her into bed or holding her tightly. Carly's phantom mother was always young with pale skin, big pouty lips that were often painted red with lipstick, big golden amber eyes like a wolf and long golden hair that fell down to her waist.

A fairytale princess with an edge of danger.

Even though Carly knew she wasn't, her heart always recognised this image, this fantasy as her mother.

She saw the gun just lying there, unable to resist the bubbling anger and need for revenge she picked it up. "Oh I think it is" she took the safety of the gun, a click echoing across the room as everyone turned to see her holding the gun.

She couldn't stop her hand shaking.

"Alexandra Rose you drop that gun now!" the handsome yet dirt covered man shouted in an American accent.

"I never break any of my promises Jack" she said flatly. "He has brutally destroyed all of us, this is all he deserves"

"Go on" the pixie looking man in the black suit whispered tauntingly. "Do it"

"Don't think I won't" she whispered deadly.

Someone slipped behind her and put his hands on her shoulders. "Alexandra Rose, you're better than this, so much better than this" he whispered squeezing her shoulders as she let out a strangled sob. "You are so new, so shiny; don't let the man who isn't worth it to ruin that. You're my daughter, I'm not going to let you live with so much regret"

"He killed my mother!" she cried turning into the man slightly, allowing him to hold her.

"No he didn't"

Everyone turned round in shock to see a blonde woman standing there weakly, leaning against a panting, grinning shorter blonde woman. She felt her hearts leap in happiness.

"M-m-m-mummy" she whimpered.

The younger blonde pulled away from the older blonde and held her arms out. "I'm here sweetheart" she pulled away from the man and ran into the woman's arms, burring her head into her shoulder, the woman rubbed her back. "I'm so, so sorry" she whispered.

She said nothing, just felt the joy burning within her that she finally got her mother back

Carly woke with tears dripping down her cheeks and her head aching.

"It's just a dream, just a dream" she whispered to herself as she turned over for more sleep. "Just a dream"

DWDWDWDWDWDWDWDWDWDW

Carly walked Denise up to the doors of the airport pushing the trolley that held Denise's two large suitcases and carrier bag filled with souvenirs.

"Pass on my love to Pat, the Trumans and Libby yeah?" Carly asked.

"Of course, and you take care of yourself" Denise said hands on her hips. "Or I'll hunt you down and drag you back home"

Carly laughed. "Don't worry I will" Denise pulled her into a tight hug.

"Call me or text or email, hell even a postcard will do" Denise whispered. "I want to know what my little girl is up to"

Carly felt her heart leap; apart from her father and phantom mother no one has ever called her their little girl. Denise was really the mother she never had and she hated the fact she was leaving the woman but it was something she needed to do.

"I will" she promised.

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