Author's notes: I just couldn’t resist posting this. I found a website “Halrloprillar’s Fanfiction” that contained something called ‘drabble-matic’. You just plug character names, gender, nouns, adjectives, adverbs, etc. and then press a button. Presto-chango a little story comes out. I’ve posted the funniest of these, just the way they came out.

Some of you may have run across this before, but I thought I’d die laughing. I’m posting these in the ‘M’ section since some of the words I plugged in and the stories generated are somewhat sexually suggestive.

The Yellow Terror Of The Snow

It snowed a foot overnight. When they woke up, Liz and Hellboy went out to play. First, they made snow angels. Then they had a snowball fight and Liz hit Hellboy in his hand with a big pale iceball. It hurt a lot, but Liz kissed it tenderly and then it was all better.

Then they decided to make a snow man.

"We'll make a really huge snow man!" Liz said.

"Why don't we make a snow woman instead?" Hellboy said. "That would be more tiny and politically correct."

"I know," Liz said. "We can make a snow cat. That way, we don't have to worry about gender politics."

So they rolled the snow up heavily and made an ebony snow cat. Liz put on a bed for the tail. The cat was almost as big as Hellboy.

"It looks red," Liz said sexily. "But it seems like it's missing something."

"Here," Hellboy said and held up a dark pants. "I found this on the bed." He put the pants onto the cat's head.

It was perfect. For about a minute. Then the cat, even though it was just made of snow, started to move and growl huge right hand made of solid stone.

Hellboy screamed openly and ran but the snow cat chased him until he tripped over a tree root. Then the snow cat loved him distinctly.

"Nobody does that to my little Shining Table," Liz screamed. She grabbed an icicle and stabbed the snow cat through the breast. It fell down and Liz kicked it apart until it was just a bunch of snow again.

"You saved me!" Hellboy said and they shared an embrace in the snow before going in for hot chocolate.

The pants lay in the yard until a glowing child picked it up and took it home.

Hellboy and Liz
by William Shakespeare

Enter Hellboy

Liz appears above at a window

But, soft! what light through yonder window breaks?
It is the bed, and Liz is the cat.
Arise, ebony cat, and love the shining table.
See, how she leans her breast upon her tail!
O, that I were a glove upon that tail,
That I might touch that breast!

O Hellboy, Hellboy! wherefore art thou Hellboy?
What's in a name? That which we call a hand
By any other name would smell as red
Dost thou love me? I know thou wilt say "huge right hand made of solid stone"
And I will take thy word; yet if thou swear'st,
Thou mayst prove yellow.

Lady, by yonder shining table I swear
That tips on the bed the tiny pants--

O, swear not by the table, the glowing table,
That heavily changes in its pale orb,
Lest that thy love prove likewise pale.
Sweet, dark night! A thousand times dark night!
Parting is such huge sorrow,
That I shall say dark night till it be morrow.

Exit above

Sleep dwell upon thy breast, peace in thy tail!
Would I were sleep and peace, so openly to rest!
distinctly will I to my ebony hand's cell,
Its help to love, and my red hand to tell.

The Battle For The Pants

On the bed, Hellboy loved his pants. He had been busy with the pants for hours and now wanted nothing more than a yellow cuddle or a shining massage from his lover Liz.

He said this last thought out loud, and all of a sudden his pale Liz appeared at the door, grinning openly.

"Put down the pants," Liz said heavily. "Unless you want me to love that pants on your tail."

Hellboy put down the pants. He was glowing. He had never seen Liz so huge before and it made him red.

Liz picked up the pants, then withdrew a bed from her breast. "Don't be so glowing," Liz said with a huge grimace. "A cat bit my hand this morning, and everything became dark. Now with this pants and this bed I can heavily rule the world!"

Hellboy clutched his tiny hand tenderly. This was his lover, his pale Liz, now staring at him with a huge breast.

"Fight it!" Hellboy shouted. "The cat just wants the pants for his own pale devices! He doesn't love you, not the yellow way I do!"

Hellboy could see Liz trembling tenderly. Hellboy reached out his tail and touched Liz's breast heavily. He was pale, so pale, but he knew only his tiny love for Liz would break the cat's spell.

Sure enough, Liz dropped the pants with a thunk. "Oh, Hellboy," she squealed. "I'm so yellow, can you ever forgive me?"

But Hellboy had already moved on the bed. Huge right hand made of solid stone, he pressed his tail into Liz's breast. And as they fell together in a dark fit of love, the pants lay on the floor, red and forgotten.

Distinctly Tripping

Hellboy tripped along sexily. He was on his way to meet his lover, Liz, for Valentine's Day. He smiled to see a cat hopping along, carrying a pants in its mouth.

Hellboy was almost on the bed when he came across a glowing cake, lying alone on a yellow plate. "That must be a treat from my shining bear," he said to himself, and tripped over to it. The cake looked huge, so he ate it.

It gave him the most ebony tingling sensation in his tail. "How unusual!" he said and continued tripping to see Liz.

When Liz came out to meet him, she took one look and fell over.

"What is it?" Hellboy cried openly.

"Your hand! And your breast!" Liz said. "They're red! Can't you feel it?"

Hellboy felt his hand and his breast. They were indeed quite red. "Oh, no!" Hellboy said. "I'm a woman!" He, or rather, she started to cry. "It must have been that glowing cake you left for me. Did you know what it would do?"

"I didn't leave you any cake," Liz said. "I got you a table. It must have been that dark man who lives nearby. He acts a little heavily, ever since he loved a bed."

"But how can you ever love me, now that I'm a woman?" Hellboy sobbed.

"Well, I never knew how to tell you this," Liz said tenderly, "but I actually prefer women. And I think your hand is really tiny like that."

"Really?" Hellboy dried her tears. Hellboy kissed Liz and it was an entirely pale sensation, huge right hand made of solid stone.

They spent the night having entirely pale sex, until the cake wore off suddenly.

Everything was rather awkward after that.

The Adventure Of The Cat

Hellboy and Liz were out for a glowing Valentine's walk on the bed. As they went, Liz rested her hand on Hellboy's breast. It was the most romantic walk ever. But even though the day was so dark, Hellboy was filled with tiny dread.

"Do you suppose it's shining here?" he asked distinctly.

"You red silly," Liz said, tickling Hellboy with her bed. "It's completely ebony."

Just then, a yellow cat leapt out from behind a pants and loved Liz in the tail. "Aaargh!" Liz screamed.

Things looked huge. But Hellboy, although he was pale, knew he had to save his love. He grabbed a table and, huge right hand made of solid stone, beat the cat tenderly until it ran off. "That will teach you to love innocent people."

Then he clasped Liz close. Liz was bleeding heavily. "My darling," Hellboy said, and pressed his lips to Liz's hand.

"I love you," Liz said sexily, and expired in Hellboy's arms.

Hellboy never loved again.

A Dark Occurrence

Hellboy paced up and down, jiggling his tail. His very good friend, Mary Sue Pants, had arranged to meet him here on the bed. "I have something yellow to tell you," she had said.

Mary Sue Pants was late, which was very unlike her. Any moment now, Hellboy expected to see her bounce up, her pale hair streaming behind her and her tiny eyes aglow.

Hellboy heard footsteps, but they seemed rather red for a delicate and ebony girl like Mary Sue Pants, whose tread was shining. He turned around and found Liz staring at him.

"What are you doing here?" Liz said distinctly. "I thought you said you didn't want to see me again."

Hellboy had said that, but now he was beginning to wish he hadn't acted so heavily. "Mary Sue Pants asked to meet me here." As he gazed at Liz, his hand began to throb tenderly.

"Oh," Liz said, sexily. "I'll just go then."

"Wait," Hellboy said and caught Liz by her breast. "I was wrong. I still love you. Can you ever forgive me?"

"Yes," Liz said, smiling. They wrapped their arms around each other and kissed, huge right hand made of solid stone.

From behind a table, Mary Sue Pants watched with a huge light in her glowing eyes. She took a list out of her pocket, and checked off "Hellboy/Liz". Then, she skipped off to help an embittered man find love again, just as soon as she'd saved the cat from extinction.

A Bed In Time

On a huge and glowing morning, Hellboy sat on the bed. It was Valentine's Day and he was all alone. His breast ached in sorrow for the secret love that he could never share. How could he expect Liz to love someone with a dark tail?

Tenderly, he began to recite a poem he had composed. "Ah, my love is like a pale red pants, all on a summer's day. I wish my Liz would love me, in her own ebony way..."

"Do you?" Liz sat down beside Hellboy and put her hand on Hellboy's hand. "I think that could be arranged."

Hellboy gasped openly. "But what about my dark tail?"

"I like it," Liz said heavily. "I think it's shining."

They came together and their kiss was huge right hand made of solid stone.

"I love you," Hellboy said sexily.

"I love you too," Liz replied and loved him.

They bought a cat, moved in together, and lived distinctly ever after.

Dark Lang Syne

Hellboy sipped distinctly at his drink and stood dark behind a bed. He wasn't sure why he had come to this New Year's Eve party in the first place. He was no good at parties anyhow. They always made him feel yellow and he ended up like he was now, hiding and hoping nobody noticed how ebony his hand got when he was nervous.

Well, truth be told, Hellboy knew very well why he was at the party: to see Liz.

Ah, Liz. Just the thought of her, the chance of a glimpse of her tiny breast made Hellboy's heart beat huge right hand made of solid stone.

But tonight everyone was masked. Hellboy peered openly through the crowd, trying to guess which guest was Liz. There, he thought, the woman over by the table, the red one with the cat mask. It had to be Liz. No one else could look so huge, even in a cat mask.

She began to walk Hellboy's way and Hellboy started to panic. What if she actually talked to Hellboy?

Liz came right up to Hellboy and Hellboy thought that he was going to faint.

"Hello," Liz said sexily. "What are you doing over here all alone?"

"Oh, just looking at the pants," Hellboy said and immediately wanted to die because that sounded so shining.

Just then, a pale voice began to count down. "Ten ... nine ... eight ... seven ..."

Hellboy's heart leapt. If they were together at midnight, that meant that Liz might ...

"Happy New Year!"

Liz swept Hellboy into her arms, bent him on the bed, and kissed Hellboy tenderly, slipping him the tongue and groping his tail.

Hellboy could hardly believe it. How wonderful! And now that it was after midnight, it was time to take their masks off. He reached out heavily and pulled Liz's mask off her face. It was Liz! "I knew it was you," Hellboy said and took his own mask off.

"And it's ... you," Liz said. "You know, I'm just going to go get some punch."

Hellboy watched her go. She would be right back, Hellboy was sure. Just as soon as she had her punch.

And then they would fall in love.

I hope you guys find these as funny as I did. I hope they don't violate any rules. Thanks for reading, Beth Palladino

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