BLIND TRUST

A/N: It’s kind of hard to believe I’ve gotten this far with this story, and the truth is this is the longest fanfic I’ve ever successfully attempted. This chapter is not the end of this story, mind you. I think there is perhaps one chapter left to come – an epilogue, of sorts. Bobby has one last challenge to overcome.

We are nearly there, though, and boy, what a ride it’s been….

Also, my thanks to Zephyrs. You gave me a great idea on how to start this new chapter.


The following day
Allen, McKenzie & Associates

Mike Logan paused just after exiting the lift, taking in the spacious reception area of the Allen, McKenzie & Associates law offices. It was everything he expected. Flamboyant, with expensive artworks and a larger-than-life sculpture, couches that looked as though they were meant to be studied rather than sat on, and a receptionist who was looking at him as though he were stain on the picture-perfect setting.

Not even attempting to hide a smirk, Mike sauntered over to the reception desk.

“Can I help you, sir?” the receptionist asked, making no effort to hide her obvious disdain. It was clear to him that her idea of help would be to call the local uniforms to help escort him off the premises. Somehow, that only amused him even more and he leaned against the counter, grinning widely at the pompous young woman.

“I certainly hope so. I’ve come to see David Parker.”

“Mr Parker is very busy. If you’d like to leave your name and a contact number, I’ll pass it on to him, and I’m sure he’ll get back to you as soon as he can.”

“Yeah, I’m sure,” Mike agreed mockingly. “Listen, sweet cheeks, be a good girl, pick up that phone and tell Mr Parker that Mike Logan is here to see him. And if that doesn’t ring his bell, you tell him I’m a good friend of Bobby Goren’s.”

The receptionist bristled visibly.

“Mr Logan, I’m going to have to ask you to leave, before I call the police.”

Mike pulled open his coat, revealing his gold shield.

“It’s Detective Logan, sweetheart. I am the police. Now, make the call.”

The woman blanched visibly, and quickly picked up the phone.

“Mr Parker, I’m sorry to disturb you, but there’s a detective out here who wants to see you. A Detective Logan, and he asked me to tell you that he’s a friend of Bobby Goren.”

There was a long moment of silence, and then the woman replaced the handset in its cradle and looked uneasily at Mike.

“Mr Parker will be right out.”

“Thought he might be,” Mike said with a smirk. He moved away from the reception desk just as a frosted glass door opened and David Parker emerged. He had a false smile plastered onto his too-young face.

“Detective Logan, this is a pleasant surprise.”

Mike deliberately ignored Parker’s outstretched hand.

“I believe it’s a surprise, but I’m not buying the pleasant bit. I want to talk to you. Privately.”

Parker raised an eyebrow slightly.

“Do I need a lawyer?”

Mike’s lips didn’t so much as curl up in response to the lame joke.

“I’m not here as a cop. I’m here as a friend.”

“A friend…?”

“Specifically, Bobby Goren’s friend.”

“Ah. I see.”

“I doubt it.”

Parker motioned towards the frosted glass doors.

“Perhaps we’d better take this into my office.”

Mike nodded, and strode purposefully past Parker.

“I think that’s a damned good idea.”


Once inside the sanctuary of his office, Parker dropped the niceties and turned the full blast of his hostility on Mike.

“What’s this about, Detective Logan? And make it fast. I’m a busy man.”

Mike stared unflinchingly at Parker.

“It’s about the letter you dropped off at One Police Plaza yesterday for Bobby Goren. The letter from his psycho brother, Richie.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Mike almost laughed. Almost, but not quite.

“Are you really this stupid, Counsellor? We have you on our security tapes, leaving the damn envelope for him. If it went before a jury, you’d be convicted hands down. So don’t stand here telling me you didn’t do it. ’Cause I know damn well that you did.”

Parker was starting to look more than a little uncomfortable by then.

“What do you want, Detective?”

“A few things, actually. Firstly, I want to know how a no-good cash-challenged bastard like Richie Goren could afford a high-priced lawyer like you.”

“That’s privileged information…”

The words were barely out of Parker’s mouth before Mike shot forward, jamming his forearm underneath Parker’s chin and slamming him back against the wall. He pinned the smaller man there, glaring at him in fury.

“You know damned well that Richie wasn’t supposed to have any sort of contact at all with Bobby unless it was instigated by Bobby, or organised officially through the people who have power of attorney for Bobby, so don’t you dare give me that privileged information bullshit! Now, so far, I’m the only one who’s seen the tape with you on it, you slimy little bastard, but I only need to pass it on to my captain and the ADA, and they’ll nail your ass to the fucking wall!”

“Wha… What do you want?” Parker choked out, his face slowly turning an interesting shade of purple.

“I want to know who’s responsible for that letter, moron. Did Richie really write it himself? Or was someone else pulling the strings?”

Parker gagged.

“I… I can’t… Choking…”

Mike stepped back, releasing his hold on the lawyer. Parker collapsed to the floor, gasping for air.

“I… I’ll have you up for police brutality, you asshole…”

Mike leaned over Parker, his green eyes alight.

“I did a ten year stint in a shitty precinct on Staten Island for punching a councilman. He just happened to piss me off. But this? This is personal, you piece of shit. That letter could have done a whole lot of harm, and I want to know whose idea it was, right now!”

“Matic…” Parker stammered finally, wincing as Mike raised a fist threateningly. “Simon Matic. He hired me to represent both him and Richie. He’s been in contact with Richie… but I don’t know the details.”

“Turning a blind eye, Counsellor?” Mike asked harshly. “How professional of you.”

Parker looked up at Mike sourly.

“I was contacted by Simon. He told me to go and see Richie, that he’d have a letter for me to deliver to his brother.”

“And you just did it, no questions asked?”

“I wasn’t being paid to ask any questions, Detective Logan.”

Mike focused his best pittbull look on Parker, and the other man cringed visibly.

“Yeah,” Mike snapped, “well, maybe you should have.”

Parker glowered resentfully at him.

“What do you care, anyway? I know your reputation, Detective Logan. You’re not the kind of person who would give the time of day to a head-case like Bobby Goren, so tell me… Whose ass are you kissing to get back into a Manhattan homicide squad?”

For a split second, Mike very nearly hit Parker. But then, common sense kicked in and he managed to restrain himself.

“You might have been on the money if you’d asked that six months ago, Counsellor. But I’ve spent the last few months watching a fellow cop go through the proverbial fires of Hell, and come out the other side scarred but intact. I’ve got nothing but absolute respect for Bobby Goren. He’s a great cop and a great man, and I consider myself lucky to be able to count him as my friend. You see, I don’t have a whole lot of close friends, so I’ll defend to the hilt the ones I do have. And Bobby is right at the top of that list.”

Parker got slowly to his feet, rubbing gingerly at his throat.

“What do you want, Detective? For me to burst into tears, say I didn’t know, and gush about how sorry I am? If that’s what you’re after, then you’re going to be disappointed. I don’t care about your friend. I don’t give a damn about how brave he might be. That’s all bullshit, as far as I’m concerned. All I care about is that my fees are paid. I was paid to do a job, and I did it. End of story.”

“So… You don’t care that Richie Goren is dead?”

Parker smirked.

“Richie Goren wasn’t the one paying my fees, Detective. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I really do have work to do.”


“Well?”

Mike grimaced as he slid into the passenger side of the SUV, and began to relate to the other three occupants what he’d learnt.

“Well, he’s a soulless son of a bitch. He doesn’t give a fuck that Richie’s dead, because Richie wasn’t signing off on his pay cheques. It seems Simon Matic has that honour.”

“Matic,” Alex growled in disgust. “Wonderful.”

In the backseat of the vehicle, Deakins and Carver exchanged glances.

“Anything else?” Deakins wondered. Mike sighed faintly.

“Nothing concrete that we could nail him with. He fell for the ruse about us having security footage of him bringing in that envelope, but we’d never get that to stick. Not once he wises up that we don’t have any footage like that at all. I’m betting that it may well have been Matic who manipulated Richie into writing that letter… and maybe even killing himself… but we’ve got no way to prove that.”

“And Matic isn’t likely to come clean and confess to it,” Deakins muttered. “He knows damn well that if he gets nailed for anything else, he’ll be facing the death penalty.”

“If you ask me,” Carver said quietly, “I think it’s time this case was laid to rest, for Detective Goren’s sake, if for no other reason.”

“I agree,” Deakin said. “We can’t get blood out of a stone, and we’d only be causing Bobby more pain in the process. It isn’t worth pursuing.”

Mike and Alex looked at each other wordlessly for a long moment. Carver and Deakins were right, and they both knew it.

“It’s over,” Alex said softly, slumping a little in the driver’s seat. “It’s finally over.”

“Not for Bobby,” Mike said with a touch of bitterness in his voice. “It’ll never really be over for him.”

“Maybe not,” Deakins conceded, “but we can at least help to ease the burden a little. He has friends to help him. He knows he can trust us to support him. That’s the important thing. I think, when all’s said and done, he’s going to be that much stronger for everything that’s happened.”

Alex grimaced as she directed the SUV back out into the traffic.

“Now, if the Powers That Be will just see fit to let his hands heal properly…”

“He’s due to have new scans and x-rays done on his hands in a few weeks’ time, correct?” Carver queried, and Deakins nodded.

“That’s right. It’s just a progress check for his right hand, but we’ll know for certain from those scans whether he’ll get back the use of his left hand.”

“Another D Day,” Mike retorted. “First his eyes, and then his hands.”

“Keep the faith, Mike,” Deakins told him. “Everything worked out with his eyes. It’ll be the same with his hands, too.”

“I hope to God you’re right,” Alex said softly. Deakins smiled briefly before looking away out the window.

So do I, he thought ruefully. Dear God, so do I.


Six weeks later

“All right, Bobby. Just close your hand gently around the ball. Don’t try to apply any real pressure. Just work on holding it in a normal grip. That’s it…”

Bobby grimaced in pain as he worked at closing his fingers around the small rubber ball that the physio had placed in the palm of his right hand. It hurt like hell, but he was determined to succeed. After all, it put him one step closer to being able to get back to work, and back to life as it had been before everything had been turned upside down on him. Slowly but surely, his fingers closed around the ball and, at the physio’s instructions, he turned his hand around to show that he was truly holding it himself.

“That’s excellent,” the physio praised him. “I tell you, Bobby, by the time you’re ready to start physio with your left hand, you’re gonna be practically ambidextrous.”

Bobby smiled, but didn’t comment, instead focusing his attention on the simple task of putting the ball down, and then picking it up again.

A week ago, he’d been back at the hospital for scans on both of his hands and, like with his eyes, he had been terrified of what those scans might reveal. The only thing that had kept him from panicking completely was Alex’s calming presence. She’d stayed with him throughout the tests, keeping him distracted from the pain as the pressure bandages and splint were removed from his left hand so it could be scanned and x-rayed. She’d stayed right by his side while he waited anxiously for Dr Craig to come and see him with the results. And she’d been there to hug him in tearful relief when Dr Craig had told him that his left hand was healing well and, with the right type of physio, he could expect to get back as much as ninety percent functionality.

Needless to say, it would never be quite the same, but ninety percent recovery meant there was no longer any physical barrier to keep him from returning to work when he was ready. His eyes and his hands were healing, his state of mind was getting better every day, and the improvement in his general state of being was visible to all.

There were still difficulties ahead, and Bobby knew and accepted that. However, he also knew with absolute certainty that he didn’t need to face those difficulties alone. And in the end, that made all the difference.

One of those difficulties was already on the way to being solved. Thanks to some extra time and effort on Sam Denning’s part, Bobby had recently received not only his first monthly payment of six and a half thousand dollars, but also an extra million dollars to serve as a substantial down-payment on a new home and buy whatever furniture he needed. Consequently, Alex, Jo and even Mike had spent hours with him trolling through property guides, searching for a suitable place in a good location.

Not that there was any rush for him to move, Alex had assured him more than once. She was happy for him to stay with her for as long as he wanted.

That suited him fine. Until he got back a decent level of proficiency with at least one hand, he would continue to need assistance with nearly everything he did, and since Jo was only available throughout the day, he didn’t fancy being somewhere on his own just yet. So right then, he was very happy to continue staying with Alex.

All in all, though, life was definitely starting to look up again.


“I’ve got a proposition for you.”

Bobby raised an eyebrow curiously at Alex’s choice of words as they left the hospital after his physio session.

“Oh? Really…”

She smiled and thumped him lightly on the shoulder.

“Get your mind out of the gutter, Goren. It’s a property matter.”

Bobby laughed softly.

“So what’s the proposition?”

“Well, you know Trey and Pam Baker? They’re two floors above us.”

“Mm. What about them?”

“I ran into Trey Baker late last night when I was getting home from One Police Plaza. Trey’s mom is in the final stages of cancer, so they’re going to move to California to take care of her. Trey’s taking up a job offer in LA, so they won’t be coming back to New York, and instead of sub-letting, they’ve decided to just put the apartment up for sale. Now, they know you’re scouting for a new place, and Trey told me to tell you that if you’re interested to just say so. They’re not going to contact their realtor until you let them know. They’re willing to skip the formalities and do a private sale if you are interested.”

Bobby fell silent, contemplating the news. He knew the Bakers’ apartment from a couple of invites to dinner that he and Alex had taken them up on over the last couple of months. It was reasonably spacious for a two bedroom apartment, and only fractionally smaller than his old place.

The Bakers themselves were warm, friendly people, and it touched him that they were making such an offer to him.

“Did… Did he say how much?”

“Eight hundred thousand. I know, the place could easily go for more than one and a half million, but Trey said they’ll be moving in with his mother, and he’s going to inherit her house when she dies, so they don’t need the money to buy a new home. Also, if it’s done privately, without using a realtor, everyone will be saving money by not having to pay commissions. So, at that price you could buy the apartment outright, and still have a couple of hundred thousand over to furnish it.”

It was a tempting offer, even more-so in that it would mean moving out of Alex’s apartment, but still being within close proximity to her. He hadn’t been game enough to admit it to her, but one of the main reasons for his reluctance to find a new place of his own had been a deep anxiety at the thought of being beyond Alex’s immediate reach.

He still suffered severe nightmares, and not once had Alex gotten frustrated when he called out to her in the middle of the night. Not once had she refused to go to him, to hold him and comfort him. He had long been dreading the first night in a new apartment, when he woke up crying… or even screaming… and Alex was not there to reassure him.

Having an apartment in the same building meant that she was only a lift ride away, and that thought was comforting in itself.

“We could go to work together every morning,” Alex told him. “You wouldn’t have to battle the subway anymore. And… it’s just a quick run up the stairs if you have a nightmare that you can’t cope with.”

Bobby smiled sheepishly.

“Am I that transparent?”

She returned his smile with a warm one of her own, and hugged him briefly before letting him into the SUV.

“Only to me, Goren. I just know you too well. So, what do you think? Is it perfect, or what?”

“It sounds like it could be exactly what I want,” he agreed.

“Great,” Alex enthused. “I’ll call Trey as soon as we get to work, and let them know that you’re definitely interested.”

Bobby smiled at her as he settled back into the seat. Alex guided the SUV out of the hospital car park, and once they were back on the street, she hazarded another glance at him. He was still smiling at her.

“What is it, Bobby?”

“Nothing. Just… Thankyou.”

“For what?”

“For not quitting on me.”

She reached over and ruffled his hair affectionately.

“I could never have done that. But the really important thing is that you didn’t quit on yourself. Even when everything was at its worst, you didn’t quit.”

Bobby thought that over for a long minute before speaking again, softly.

“It was because of you.”

She glanced at him, startled.

“What do you mean?”

“That night… when it happened. I… I could have died, Alex. I could have given up and died long before Mrs Pirelli came looking for me. But I hung on… because of you. I… I was afraid of letting you down... and I know that’s what I’d be doing if I gave up. Letting you down.”

The tears came before Alex had a chance to stop them.

“Bobby… You wouldn’t have been letting me down. You were so badly hurt, we all thought it was a miracle you made it through the first surgery. I wouldn’t have faulted you if you hadn’t been able to find the strength to go on… to keep fighting. I’ll always be grateful that you did, but I couldn’t ever have blamed you if you hadn’t had any will left to live.” She wiped at her eyes, and smiled faintly. “You know, I think Elliot Stabler’s opinion of you changed right then and there. I think he figured that anyone who could go through an assault like that and live deserved nothing but respect.”

“And what about you?”

“Bobby, I thank God every single damn day that you lived, and that you’re still here with us. But I never understood how you managed to survive those first few days. It was such a brutal attack… You were clinging to life by a thread, literally. It wouldn’t have taken much for that thread to snap.”

“I… I survived by thinking of you. Picturing you… your face. It… was all I had… but it was enough.”

That was all she could take. Pulling over to the side of the street, Alex unbuckled her belt, turned in her seat and pulled him to her in a fierce, protective hug, all the while crying silently into his shoulder.

“I love you, Alex,” Bobby whispered, tears in his own eyes as he willingly submitted to the embrace. She pulled back after a long moment, just enough to place a loving kiss to his cheek, and then moved further around to press her lips to his in a gentle, lingering but chaste kiss.

“I love you too, Bobby. Thankyou.”

He regarded her, puzzled.

“For what?”

“For staying, and not giving up. I lost my husband, and that was hard. I couldn’t have stood losing you, too.”

He pulled her awkwardly back to him, unashamed of the tears on his own face.

“Everything you’ve done for me… You’re my best friend, Alex. No one else would do all that you’ve done for me. What… what you’re still doing for me.”

“You would have done the same for me if our positions had been reversed. I know you would have, Bobby. It’s not a one-way street.”

“Alex… would tell me something?”

“What is it?”

He hesitated before going on, searching for the right words.

“Tell me what happened that night? From your perspective.”

She drew back from him slowly, a guarded look on her face.

“Do you really want to know?”

“I need to hear it from someone. I… I don’t remember anything after hearing the phone ring that morning… when Lewis tried to call me. It’s just a complete blank from that point until I woke up in the hospital.”

“Thank God,” Alex said fiercely. Bobby nodded.

“I’m not sorry that I don’t remember any of it, but I need to know, and no one else will talk to me about it. I… I can’t explain it. I just need to know.”

Alex let her breath out in a rush. Morbid though it seemed, she thought she understood his desire to know.

“I was at home… just settling in for the evening… when Deakins called. I thought he had a case for us, and I was just about ready to tell him where he could stick it.”

Bobby smiled faintly. She hated Sunday night call-outs with a passion. Alex went on quietly, growing sombre as she recalled the awful night with unwanted clarity.

“I asked him if it was a new case, and he said yes, but not for us. Then he told me that a 911 call had gone out from your building, and that SVU had been called to the scene. I knew straight away that something had happened to you. Deakins wouldn’t have called me, otherwise. I… I thought you were dead, and I was so scared, I almost didn’t hear him answer. Deakins told me you weren’t dead, but that you were…” She paused, recalling his words to her. “He said you were in a bad way, and that someone had messed you up pretty badly. I said I was going straight to your place. Deakins didn’t want me to go there, but I think he knew he had no chance of stopping me.”

“Messed up,” Bobby echoed softly, bitterly. “That’s an interesting way of putting it.”

“He didn’t know how bad it was, Bobby. Not right then. He was just going on what Cragen told him over the phone, after the 911 call went through and SVU were called out. Anyway, Olivia was there when I arrived. She tried to keep me out…”

“More fool her,” Bobby murmured.

Alex smiled tearfully.

“Exactly. I got around her… God, Bobby, I think I can honestly say that I’d never seen anything so awful in my life… and I’ve seen a hell of a lot. The only sign you were even still alive was the oxygen mask on your face. It scared me, Bobby. Seeing you like that… You know I don’t scare easily, but I was terrified. I kept asking myself, who could possibly have caught you so much off-guard, that they could have taken you down like that? I couldn’t understand it… could barely fathom it.”

“I… I was going to get the case file…” Bobby admitted. “Look at the crime scene photos…”

“No!” Alex burst out, startling him visibly. “God, Bobby, no! You don’t want to see those pictures, ever! Please, trust me? It would not be a good idea, not at all. Your nightmares are bad enough now, and seeing those photos would only make it worse.”

His shoulders slumped a little.

“It really was bad, wasn’t it?”

She pulled him to her for another hug.

“Bobby, it was the worst thing I’ve ever seen, and I’m not just saying that because it was you. You can’t subject yourself to seeing those photos. Not now, not ever. You’d never get rid of the nightmares.”

“Is that the same reason why Deakins refused to tell me how Richie died?”

She winced just a little, but didn’t let go of him.

“Bobby, I know it’s not easy, but you need to trust us now. There are some things that you really are better off not knowing.”

“It was pretty awful, wasn’t it? The way he died.”

“For God’s sake, Bobby, will you quit it? I won’t tell you. Stop asking!”

“He was my brother, Alex. Don’t you think I have a right to know?”

“Of course you do. But look at it this way. If my brother Philip had died horribly… and I mean really horribly… and you knew the details but I didn’t… would you tell me?”

He looked at her sincerely.

“If you wanted to know. I might not want to tell you, but I’d rather you hear it from someone who cares about you, rather than out of a case report.”

She stared at him, realising how neatly he’d trapped her.

“I’d really like to hit you right now, Goren.”

He couldn’t bring himself to smile.

“Please, Alex. I have to know.”

She sighed softly.

“Deakins is going to kill me.”

“He doesn’t have to know you told me.”

She snorted derisively.

“I don’t see how you’ll be able to pretend that you don’t know. And Deakins is too damned perceptive for either of our goods.”

“How did he die, Alex? Please tell me.”

“His… his wrists.”

“He slit his wrists? With what? How did he get a hold of something sharp enough to do it?”

She was starting to feel sick by then.

“He didn’t. Bobby…”

Bobby drew back from her slowly, horrified realisation dawning on his face as he quickly came to the only logical conclusion.

“His… teeth? He used his teeth?”

Shaking her head, Alex strapped her seatbelt back on and guided the SUV back into the slow-moving traffic.

“Sometimes, Goren, you’re just too damned smart for your own good. And don’t you even think about asking me for anymore details, because I don’t know. I don’t know, and I don’t care. He might have been your brother, but as far as I’m concerned, he was just a no-good piece of shit. He’s out of your life now, and that’s what matters. He can’t hurt you anymore, unless you let him.”

Bobby didn’t argue with her. Instead, he returned to looking out of the window. The next ten minutes were spent in silence before Alex glanced over at him.

“Bobby? Are you okay?”

He made himself look around at her, and she wasn’t surprised to see fresh tears on his cheeks.

“I didn’t want for that to happen, Alex. I didn’t want Richie dead.”

She sighed softly.

“I know you didn’t.”

Silence reigned for a few minutes, with Alex glancing occasionally at her partner, but he didn’t react to her glances. He neither moved, nor spoke for the rest of the trip back to One Police Plaza.

His silence didn’t worry her so much as his stillness. Bobby had never been one to stay still for any length of time… but then again, that had been before. Before the attack… Before his life had been shattered in one cruel stroke. He had changed, she mused as they exited the SUV and headed for the lift. Perhaps that had been inevitable, but she guessed it was going to take her some time to adjust once he came back to work properly. She couldn’t help but wonder what would happen the first time that he stepped back into the interrogation room to question a suspect… or when he took the stand in court to testify… or when he examined his first crime scene and dead body.

These were all unknowns that they would have to deal with in time, but she felt confident that they would deal with them, together.

And that was the key word – together. Bobby had finally accepted that he didn’t need to do any of it alone, that if he was willing to look, he would find people willing to support him. His acceptance of that had been a prime factor in his recovery and, though there was still a long road ahead of him, for the first time she and the others who had surrounded him as a self-designated support base felt confident about the long term outcome for him.

The light had finally appeared at the end of the tunnel, and a damned long tunnel it had been. There was no way any of them planned on letting Bobby slip backwards, and lose sight of that light.

“Am I that fascinating to look at?”

She started, realising that he’d caught her out staring at him. Alex smiled faintly as she led the way out of the lift and back into the bullpen, where Jo was waiting along with Mike and Captain Deakins – waiting to hear how his first physio session had gone.

“I can’t help it. You fascinate me, Goren.”

His eyebrows went up in amusement, and a small smile lit up his face - the kind of smile that she had not seen from him for far too long.

“I do?”

She grinned as she slipped her arm through his, taking care not to bump his hand.

“C’mon, partner. Let’s get some work done.”

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