JUST BEEN NICKED
Sam clung tightly to the hand bar in the side of the car as Gene swerved round a corner chasing the car ahead of them. "Can we hurry this up, please?" Sam asked tersely. "I can't be late for-" "Oh shut it you Nancy-Boy, we'll catch this bastard in no time and then you can go to hell for all I care" Gene snarled. "Leave it to the Gene-Genie; I'll solve everything in time" "I hope we don't miss the cake" Chris said to Ray. "I like cake" "I only like my cake as long as there's a stripper in there" Ray leered. "That's perverted" Sam said rolling his eyes at Ray. "Oh like you were complaining last week" Ray said waggling his eyebrows meaningfully. "You were having the time of your life with Summer" "Her name was Pauline Thomas; she was a witness to a murder case and gave us vital evidence. Summer was just her stage name" "You know, it's only you who'd have a stripper coming out of your cake, with the right evidence to nick a sodding bastard" Gene grumbled. "Fuck, this sodding bastard is on the run" Stopping the car at a halt, the four men leaped out of it and ran down the alleyway chasing after the man. Their criminal pushed open a gate and luckily found the back door unlocked. The suspect rushed up the stairs and burst into a bedroom causing several women to scream. "Bloody hell" Gene muttered before cocking his gun up and kicking the door open again. "Oi, you're nicked for hi-jacking a car, breaking into someone's gaff and breaking my ear drums" Sam followed in and tackled the startled man. "You have the right to remain silent; anything you do say may harm your defence or be-" "That's not how it goes!" the suspect whined. "We'll take it here Boss" Chris said as he came in with Ray. Both panting as they had attempted to keep up with Gene and Sam. Sam stood up and was about to turn when someone screamed again. "Don't look at me! It's bad luck to see the bride before the wedding!" "Yeah you bloody pillock" another voice added. Sam turned back to face the wall. A silly grin on his face. "Sorry" he said, not really meaning it. "I'm sure you look beautiful though. I can't wait to see you in an hour" "Neither can I" Annie said happily. "I can't believe today is the day" Gene rolled his eyes. "Oh come on Lover-Boy, before I puke all over my tux" he grabbed Sam by the shoulder and began to drag him out of the bedroom. "We need to get this slimy bastard in the slammer first before you can even think of traipsing down the aisle. Phyllis. Peach is really not your colour" "We'll see about that when I pull more than you do at the reception" Phyllis said coldly. Gene snorted. "Those bastards would have to be really drunk first" LoMLoMLoMLoM Within forty five minutes Gene had knocked out the suspect and locked him up before driving insanely to get Sam to the church in time. Sam now stood nervously at the alter while Chris was giving him a thumbs up and Ray was glaring at his hands. Probably craving for a cigarette. Gene unscrewed his hipflask and took a gulp. "I think you're making a mistake" "Oh?" "Getting married is a one way ticket to hell. Trust me, I'm stuck in it every bloody day" he took another gulp from his flask earning himself a glare from the vicar who just appeared. "My marriage wouldn't be like yours" Sam said rolling his eyes. "It bloody well not be. You don't have the balls to cope with my wife; I'd give you a month before you're jumping off roofs" Sam suppressed a smirk as he turned from Gene to look up the aisle. His facial expression slackened as he saw Annie hovering at the door. She wore a layered lace white gown with a nun-like white veil trimmed with white roses. To him she looked like an angel. "She looks like a bloody puff pastry" Gene hissed. "Shut up, she's beautiful" Sam whispered. "God have mercy on me. He's become an even bigger nonce" Phyllis appeared behind Annie and the crowd visibly winced at the disturbing sight of her in peach. Holding his tongue for the first time in a long time, Gene turned to face the vicar as he led them through the prayers and hymns. Again Gene wondered why the hell Sam didn't go to the Town Hall and remembered that it was Flash-Knickers wanting a proper white wedding. He snorted. Yeah if DC Cartwright was a virgin then he was Jesus Christ himself. He has heard some of the things those two get up to, it ain't pretty. Rather revolting when they get to the cute talking. Urgh. "Gene" Sam hissed, "The rings" "What?" Gene said coming out of his thoughts. "Oh yeah, hold on, let me see" Sam groaned loudly as Gene patted his tux jacket for the rings. Unable to find them he began to pull out all of his hipflasks, passing them to Sam when he finally found the two simple gold bands. "Here we go. Sorry about that" "Yes" the vicar said, lips pressed tight in disapproval. He turned to Sam and attempted to smile, Sam smiled back weakly. "Now then, repeat after me. I, Samuel Tyler take thee Annie Cartwright to be my lawful wife" "I, Samuel Tyler take thee Annie Cartwright to be my lawful wife" Sam said gazing into Annie's eyes in a lovesick manner. God Gene felt like he was going to puke right now. "In sickness and health, for better or worse, richer or poorer, till death do us part" "In sickness and health, for better or worse, richer or poorer, till death do us part" Sam slipped on his ring on Annie's finger, his fingers gently stroking her hand. Oh this was really making Gene's stomach turn; the quicker this is over the better. "Annie, please repeat after me, I, Annie Cartwright take thee Samuel Tyler to be my lawful husband" "I, Annie Cartwright take thee Samuel Tyler to be my lawful husband" "In sickness and health, for better or worse, richer or poorer, till death do us part" "In sickness and health, for better or worse, richer or poorer, till death do us part" Annie had then slipped on her ring for Sam on his finger. They leaned closer looking all love sick and giggly, as if none of the other poor sods you got invited for this didn't exist. Is this was how it would be then Gene would have pushed for an elopement. "I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride" the vicar said closing his prayer book. "Finally!" Gene grumbled. Sam slowly slipped a hand into Annie's hair as he leaned close was a kiss. It was so painstakingly slow that Gene pushed Sam's head into Annie's so their lips smacked together. "Bloody hurry up! I want to go to the free bar" "Oh you're so romantic" Phyllis said sarcastically. "This one is certainly a tale to tell your grandchildren" "Grandchildren? If this ponce keeps it up, I'll hack his testicles off just to give myself a little peace. Those two would produce the most annoying little brats I'll ever have the displeasure of meeting. Now then, let's get going" The organ music started up as Gene led Phyllis up the aisle with the bride and groom behind them. Ray was snickering as he left the church, the rest of the CID looked a mixture of amusement and embarrassment as they followed out. LoMLoMLoMLoM At the reception Gene had helped himself to many drinks from the open bar. The dinner was terrible, the meat was rubber, the vegetables were soggy and the desert was a shitty little pot of nothing. Afterwards Sam clinked his spoon against his glass to gain everyone's attention and the boring speeches went on. Gene gulped down a few glasses and hip flasks before everyone's attention fell onto him. "Right" Gene said standing up, the room was starting to spin a little. "This ponce here was a soft, stupid, idiotic, French-bender, Man United supporting little fairy" a little laughter came from the men as Sam just shook his head with a fond smile. "But he was my DI, my man, always there to back me up in a fight and for that I honour him. Lets all drink to a good police officer as he goes to the hell known as marriage. To Sam Tyler and his doom" "Thanks Guv, for such encouraging words" Sam muttered darkly as everyone chanted the toast and took a sip. Gene however spilt his drink over him before collapsing. "Bloody weddings" he moaned. "Ah, ah the Guv has drunk a little too much" Nelson said appearing to help Gene up. "I shall look after him, you go and have your first dance Mr and Mrs Tyler" "Thank you, Nelson" Sam said standing up to help Nelson half carry Gene back to a chair somewhere. After a few muttered insults exchanged between the drunken DCI and the love sick DI, Sam returned to Annie's side offering his hand to her. "May I have this dance" "You may" Annie giggled slightly as she took his hand. Sam showed off at first with a few flashy dance moves that Annie had no idea how he learnt. But the music was a bit too slow and it was so more intimate to be wrapped up in one another, holding each other so close that every part of their body with the exception of their faces had touched. "So DC Tyler, it appears the bride and groom will disappear very soon. Any ideas where to?" Sam murmured huskily. "Oh, I don't know DI Tyler, being all married and happy I would think they snuck into the Honeymoon Suite for a head start in their honeymoon" They kissed for several long lingering moments before slowly making their way towards the door. They would have probably gotten away if Chris hadn't grabbed hold of Sam's sleeve. "Really sorry Boss, Mrs Boss, but there's been a report of a bank robbery. The Guv is determined to solve it before Litton and wants you there now" "Isn't the Guv supposed to be out of his mind with alcohol" Sam said sceptically. "I told you, yer great nonce. I can hold my drink" Gene said stumbling. "Now hurry it up or you'll have to spend your honeymoon in the five star cell of Manchester Division A in the beautiful city of scummy Manchester in the sunny country England" Sam sighed and turned to Annie with an apologetic smile. She beamed up at him and the two of them ran out of the reception following Gene, Ray and Chris into the car. "What the bloody hell happened to my car?" Gene roared. "Whoever graffitied my beautiful girl will spend a week in a cell in nothing but their little knickers as I withhold food and water! " Sam burst into hysterical laughter as he found Gene's precious car to be decked in white and pale pink streamers, balloons and confetti. There was a badly painted sign in obviously Chris' handwriting stuck over the licence plate. Just Been Nicked!
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