TIRED
LONGING Nate sat down clutching his coffee, thankful for the strong caffeine which was doing a good job of waking him up. He glanced up at a familiar sound of bubbly joyous laughter; it was the laughter of Vanessa Abrams. It was his most favorite sound in the world but this time he couldn't bring himself to smile in response. It was too painful. The pain was hot and raw and it engulfed him completely as he looked at her properly for the first time in a week. She was beautiful- no surprise there, her beauty was completely natural but not any less breathtaking than the beauty of Serena or Blair. In fact he would say she was even more beautiful than they could ever be. She was wearing a simple tank top and jeans. He couldn't help himself noticing the swell of her breasts. They were the perfect size and he remembered caressing them just a fortnight ago. They had been making out and things had gotten a tad steamy. It had always been that way with them but they hadn't gone all the way. She'd always stop before it got too much, sometimes he thought she was teasing him but he knew that she just wasn't ready and he had been prepared to wait. He sighed at the memory and looked at her longingly again. To onlookers he probably looked like a starved man looking at his last meal on earth but he didn't care anymore. She'd taught him that; she'd taught him not care what strangers thought. She'd said it didn't matter what random people thought of you because that's what they were, random people who are nothing to you and you're nothing to them. Nate kept his eyes focused on Vanessa as she began taking peoples orders; it appeared she hadn't noticed him yet and for that he was glad. Narrowing his eyes Nate watched as Vanessa took the order of a guy at the far end of the cafe except she didn't much look like she was taking orders. Her giggle burned in his ear as the guy said something oh so funny. The guy looked about 20 and had longish black hair, pale skin and very dark eyes. He looked very soulful; definitely Vanessa's type, Nate thought glancing at the book that was beside him. Clenching his fists he remembered the day when he'd seen Vanessa and Dan on the couch giggling and entwined together. She'd explained to him later on that they were only tickling each other, something that was good platonic fun and very normal for them. The feeling that was in his stomach when he'd seen them like that never disappeared. It was always there whenever he'd see Dan and Vanessa together, he knew it was irrational and stupid and that Vanessa was with him and Dan was with Serena but he couldn't stop feeling the way he did. But today watching her and this random dude flirt was so much worse because he'd always known Dan and Vanessa were only friends but he somehow doubted that this guy was talking to her as a friend. Nate didn't miss the way the guys eyes kept traveling down to Vanessa's chest every minute or so. He had to use every last bit of self restrain he had to stop himself from smashing his fist down on the table as they exchanged numbers. Finally after what felt like hours, she went to get his order. Coming back within minutes she placed it in front of him, but before she could move over to the next table he grabbed her hand and kissed it in what Nate could only describe as a very seductive manner. The gesture was enough for Nate to howl in rage and stomp over to the guys table. Vanessa looked up in alarm as he grabbed the guy by his collar and whispered dangerously, "Don't you dare touch her again. She's my girlfriend you bastard!" and then shoved him hard so the guy nearly lost his balance and fell to the floor. "What the fuck are you doing Nate?" Vanessa hissed grabbing him by the arm and marching him out of the cafe into the fresh, spring air. They were both taking angry, sharp, short breaths. Eyes blazing, Nate turned on Vanessa, "What the hell were you doing with that guy?" Vanessa gave him a look that could only be described as sheer outrage "How is it any of your business what I do with anybody? My life has got nothing to do with you and I would appreciate it if you never got involved." Nate laughed; it was wry and heavy with sarcasm. "Is that it then? Now you're going to pretend you never knew me? That I'm nothing at all to you?" Vanessa's face softened at that and she looked him in the eyes, wanting him to understand how hard this was for her, how much she wanted to just hold onto him and never ever let go. But it wasn't that easy, Nate had betrayed her and she knew that trusting him again would be difficult. Right now it was easier to not even try. "In the long run it'll hurt less if we just stay away from each other," she said her voice breaking. The pain was unbearable but she knew it would get better eventually; it just had to. Nate looked away, blowing out a long breath of air. "It killed me to see you with that guy you know. Its lucky for him all he did was kiss your hand. God knows what I would've done if it'd been something else." He looked back at Vanessa trying to gauge her reaction but her face was neutral. Resisting the urge to shout in frustration, he tried again, "I've missed you, you know. More than I thought I would, which is saying something." Vanessa let the words sink in. He sounded so sincere; he was making himself vulnerable to her. How she wanted to believe him. But she steeled herself and thought what about being with Nate meant. All the confusion, pain and lies were things she couldn't handle anymore and she wasn't going to. "Nate, I can't do this. I just can't! It was Jenny for God's sake. What did you think? That you could kiss her and then come running back to me when you realized it wasn't worth your while. Well you can't Nate because I'm no Upper East side-er; I can't look past your betrayal just because it'll be convenient. Nate, Nate, Nate, I thought we were going so well why did you ruin it, Why?" Nate just looked at Vanessa, her question ringing in his ear, relentless. He had no answer for her as he'd had no answer for himself when the same question had gone over in his head over and over again. "Get back to me when you figure it out," Vanessa said, her voice defeated but unsurprised. As she went back to work, Nate just stood there wishing he could give her an answer.
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