(Elizabeth is sitting on a fountain in the gardens behind her father’s house)

Elizabeth: I hate this place. England was better.

Authorette: What do you got against Port Royal?

Elizabeth: It smells really bad.

Authorette: Live with it.

Elizabeth: No! Father! This person is scary!

Governor: Live with it, Elizabeth. I am leaving now for an ice-fishing trip in Wisconsin.

Elizabeth: Take me with you! I have a stalker!

Authorette: Hey, watch it! I could have fun torturing you…

Elizabeth: Not you! The Commodore! He wants to marry me!

Norrington: (pops up from behind a bush) I do not stalk you, Elizabeth.

Elizabeth: And the sky isn’t blue…

Authorette: You know something, Elizabeth; I’m on your side at the moment. (zaps Norrington off to Tokyo)

Governor: Well, Elizabeth, I must go. Wisconsin is waiting.

Elizabeth: Take me with you!

Governor: I’m sorry, my dear, but ice fishing is too dangerous. I shall bring you back some cheese.

Authorette: Grab me some provolone, Governor!

Governor: Yes, well, goodbye! (straps on jetpack and flies away)

Elizabeth: Ice fishing is dangerous???

Authorette: Apparently…

Elizabeth: I’m lonely.

Authorette: (feels sympathy for Elizabeth and sees this as the perfect opportunity to zap in Jack)

Jack: (pops up in fountain) Nice place ye got here, luv.

Elizabeth: Jack? Where’d you come from?

Jack: I was stuck in a cow pen! This cow was laughing at me! I was so hurt! (sob)

Cow: (pops up) HA HA HA HA!!! Loser! Dork! Pitiful scum!

Authorette: Ok, that is rude!

Cow: You wanna make something of it?

Authorette: (zaps cow into two bottles of chocolate milk) Drink up!

Jack: Oh…

Elizabeth: So now what?

Authorette: I could think of a lot of things… MUAHAHAHA!!!!

Jack: What’s say we order out? Chinese! I loooooooove Chinese!

Authorette: NO.

Elizabeth: Why?! I want General Tso’s Chicken! Are you saying I can’t Have sushi either?!

Leprechaun: (runs in screaming) Me lady! You father got lost in Wisconsin and found a huge old deserted castle filled with talking things and an evil blacksmith where he is kept prisoner now!

Authorette: That’s way.

Elizabeth: But-

Leprechaun: Don’t fret miss! We’ve brought you Besty the unicorn so you can get to him! (Besty appears)

Jack: Thanks all the same, but we’ll take me ship.

Leprechaun: There’s no water route to Wisconsin.

Jack: Look, fuzzy. Run off to your little rainbow and find some gold.

Leprechaun: (disappears angrily)

Elizabeth: (climbing on unicorn) Come on, Jack! We need to save my father! Get on Betsy! C’mon!

Authorette: Better idea! (zaps them to the front of the castle)

Jack: Now this is better than any unicorn.

(They walk inside the dark spooky castle)

Elizabeth: Hang on! I need a weapon! (looks at Jack)

Jack: Sorry, luv. My weapons. You can die, I can’t! I am, after all, the star…

Authorette: (zaps a pot into Elizabeth’s hands) Here! Use this!

(They walk into the main entrance when somebody comes around the corner unexpectedly…)

Forrest: H-h-hi, la-

Elizabeth: (freaking out) Oh my god! (slams pot into Forrest’s face and knocks him out)

Emeril: (walking up) BAM!

Christina: Yes, we know. He’s out cold.

Jack: Wfo in the blazes are you people?

Elizabeth: Yeah…

Authorette: Wait! Aren’t you supposed to be a teapot, clock, and candle?! What’s up with that?!

Jack: Yes, darling… what is up with that? It’s your story.

Authorette: You’re darn right…

Elizabeth: Did I kill him?

Christina: No, the poor stuttering fool is fine… (kicks Forrest) Forrest! Get up! We’ve got company!

Forrest: (unconscious)

Emeril: BAM!!!

Jack: For God’s sake would you stop doing that?!

Authorette: Have a cork, Jack! (zaps Jack a cork)

Jack: (wrestles Emeril to the ground and puts cork in his mouth; jumps up happily) There! No more sound effects from him!

Emeril: (turning blue)

Elizabeth: But what about Forrest?

Christina: (kicks Forrest again) Gumpy! Get up!

Authorette: Stand back! I can handle this! (clears throat) Grandma, Grandma, your cookies are great! Gumpy, Gumpy, awake, wake, WAKE! Ha! There.

Forrest: (unconscious)

Jack: That really helped, luv.

Authorette: Oh, just go find the Governor!

Emeril: (passes out as they start up stairs)

Christina: Not you, too!

Elizabeth: Come on!

(They run up the stairs)

Jack: Hang on one minute… Why are we climbing the staircase if the dungeons are down below?

(They run down the stairs)

Elizabeth: Now which staircase?

Christina: Forget stairs! We’ll take the elevator!

Authorette: Elevator? I don’t remember an elevator…

Jack: Let’s get in!

(They get in elevator)

Elizabeth: Can this thing go any faster? This elevator music is making my ears bleed!

Christina: Hold on! (pulls big lever)

(They hurtle toward the ground screaming and the elevator crashes)

Jack: Ye both all right?

Elizabeth: (stumbles out of wreckage a total mess) Peachy, just peachy…

Christina: I’m fine, so let’s hit it!

(They turn a corner in the dungeon to see a big party taking place. Disco ball, party lights, Ricky Martin, the whole thing. The Governor is over by the punch bowl)

Christina: (sees Ricky Martin) Ricky! Baby! What’s happenin?

(Jack and Elizabeth go over to the Governor since the teapot portrayer left them)

Elizabeth: Father! We’ve heard the terrible news!

Governor: Oh! Hello, Elizabeth! Care for some punch?

Jack: This is how the evil blacksmith treats his prisoners?

Authorette: Nope, this is my own little shindig.

Jack: Really? Is there rum?

Authorette: (zaps Jack rum) Why not? Now you better hurry! The evil blacksmith is coming! Yo! Teapot!

Christina: I am not a teapot! Do I look like one to you?

Jack: No… you look like a lovely woman… beautiful woman…

Authorette: Jack! Focus !

Jack: I’m fine!

Elizabeth: Could’ve fooled me…

Authorette: He’s coming! Christina!

Christina: Yeah? What?

Authorette: Since you’re the only conscious object of the three left, you’re with these people. Now say goodbye to Ricky.

Christina: (clinging to Ricky Martin) You wouldn’t dare…

Authorette: (zaps the entire party gone; Ricky Martin too)[p

Christina: (cursing because Ricky’s gone)

Will: What is all this?

Jack: Wait! He’s supposed to be a beast! You know… ugly… roar…

Authorette: Well, that’s just too bad isn’t it?

Will: Miss Authorette? Can it so I can scare the girl, send her father away, fall in love with her, get beat up by Norrington, and die before the rose dies.

Authorette: Touchy…

Will: Hey, shut up!

Authorette: Don’t tell me what to-

Elizabeth: Both of you shove a sock in it!

(Long silence)

Elizabeth: Now release me father and I’ll stay here with you and Jack forever!

Jack: Ho! How did I get in this?

Governor: I don’t want to leave!

Authorette: Just shut up! Governor leaves, Jack and Elizabeth stay! Court dismissed!

Christina: Objection!

Authorette: Now what?

Christina: Bring Ricky back!

Will: I am the smithy of this castle and since I have no ideas of my own right now, do as the Authorette says! Request for Ricky overruled!

Christina: (smirks)

Will: Now get your butts in gear and let’s go so I can show you your rooms.

Authorette: Hold on…(zaps Governor gone) Continue!

(They walk to the pile of elevator wreckage)

Will: Alright! Who wrecked my elevator?!

Authorette: Who cares?

Will: I do! I helped make it!

Authorette: Boo hoo… nobody cares! Only jails cells are important!

Jack: If that statement is true, why are ye here, luv?

Authorette: You know what, Jack?! (zaps him and Elizabeth into a room)

Jack: Hey! The teapot! What did you do to her?!

Elizabeth: Go to sleep Jack. (gets in bed and falls asleep; snores)

Jack: (evil grin; tiptoes over to the bed)

Authorette: Nuh uh! Forget it! (zaps him hammock in the corner)

Jack: You’re no fun… (climbs into hammock and sleeps)

Elizabeth: (sits bolt upright in bed) Oh my God!!!

Jack: (falls out of hammock) What?! What happened?!

Elizabeth: I just realized something!

Jack: What?!

Elizabeth: The blacksmith is really hot! I love him!

Jack: Him? The grumpy elevator mourner?

Authorette: Jack, don’t be jealous…

Jack: I am not!

Elizabeth: You are… now I’m going to poke aimlessly around the kitchen! I’m starving!

Jack: Wait for me!

(They find the kitchen)

Elizabeth: Very bleak…

Jack: (enters dark and dusty dining room) Not to elegant…

(The room suddenly lights up and all these people are singing)

People: Be our guest! Be our guest!

Authorette: People give it a rest… ah! Dr. Seuss is upon me! NOOOOOO!!!!!!

Elizabeth: Wow!

Jack: (spots Beyonce) What are you supposed to be? A candlestick? I’m a candlestick holder…

Beyonce: (slaps Jack)

Will: Did you deserve that one?

Jack: Holy crap! It’s the blacksmith!

Authorette: (zaps everything gone) Uh… I didn’t do it!

Elizabeth: Jack, you need to stop hitting on the castle servants. And that was one lame pick up line, by the way…

Will: Shut up! I have important news! Outside!

(They go into the hall)

Jack: What would that be?

Will: The ice cream truck has wrecked!

Elizabeth: (GASP)

Jack: How sad…

Will: And it’s all your fault!

Authorette: How?! How is it their fault?!

Elizabeth: Hey! Don’t you put all this on us!

Authorette: Can if I want…

Will: Shut up already! Maybe the ice cream truck isn’t your fault…

Jack: May I suggest therapy, mate? You need it.

Elizabeth: May I be alone with the blacksmith?

Jack: Ah… go get ‘em, Elizabeth! (punches her shoulder)

Authorette: Jack, go away.

Jack: No! Why should I leave because you said so? You can’t make me do anything!

Authorette: (zaps Jack) Bring me all your rum.

Jack: (obeys) NOOOO!!!! How could you take all me lovely rum?! Beast!

Will: Scuze me?

Jack: No offense, mate, but help me!!! I give up! I’ll leave! Just don’t take me rum!

Authorette: (zaps Jack) Ok then. (zaps in Christina) Now go be busy.

Christina: How about some Bingo?

Jack: Sure! Bingo it is! And rum!

Christina: And rum…

Authorette: Yeah, well, bye. (zaps them to Bingo hall)

Will: Why did you want it to be just us?

Elizabeth: How else will I-

Will: I wanna give you something!

Elizabeth: What is it?

Authorette: A library…

Will: Nope! It’s a big ol’ block of cheese! (cheese block falls from sky)

Elizabeth: (stunned) Well…uh… it’s…

Authorette: You gave her cheese?

Will: Well, we are in Wisconsin aren’t we?

Elizabeth: It is pretty… big.

Will: 10 x 10 block of solid cheddar!

Elizabeth: Cheddar?! I want mozzarella!

Authorette: Elizabeth, it’s the thought that counts now…

Elizabeth: I don’t like Wisconsin!!! I want to go back to Port Royal!

Authorette: Why? It smells really bad remember?

Elizabeth: Small price to pay! Just take the cheese away! Make things better!

Authorette: (zaps in giant basket of nachos)

Elizabeth: Is this what you consider better?!

Authorette Oh yeah… (melts cheese over nachos) Now that’s good eatin’!

(Nachos suddenly tip over)

Will: Oh my God!

Elizabeth: (screams as Will pushes her out of the way of a giant cheese-covered nacho)

Will: (crushed by giant nacho)

Elizabeth: (stares)

Emeril: (walks up behind Elizabeth) BAM!!!

Elizabeth: My god! Shut up! (punches him out)

Authorette: (zaps in Jack and Christina)

Jack: BINGO!!! B-I-N-G-O!!! Hey, this isn’t the Bingo hall… I was winning!

Christina: What gives?

Authorette: Will died.

Elizabeth: (sob)

Jack: Really?

Authorette: Death by nachos and cheese…

Christina: Oh well… no biggie…

Elizabeth: No biggie?! (pulls out red light saber)

Christina: Hey! I want one!

Authorette: (zaps Christina a green light saber)

Christina: Can’t it be blue?

Elizabeth: Who’s side are you on?

Authorette: No one’s… just having fun watching you dorks be losers!

Jack: So now what?

Norrington: (appears from Tokyo) Oh no!

Christina: What?

Jack: Oh crap! No this moron!

Elizabeth: My life sucks! Will dies, Norrington’s here…

Authorette: Shut up and fight the teapot already… you have a light saber. I wish I had one!

Christina: I am not a freaking teapot!

(Elizabeth and Christina continue to fight)

Authorette: What is Norrington doing here?

Norrington: I missed the big fight scene! The blacksmith is already dead! You skipped the whole ‘get beat up by Norrington’ part!

Jack: I’ll fight ye, Wiggybutt! (pulls of sword)

Authorette: For the love of rum… enough sword fighting! (turns Jack’s sword into a can of silly string)

Jack: (looks from can to Norrington with an evil grin)

Norrington: No! Stop! Parley!

Jack: (sprays Norrington with the entire can of silly string)

Norrington: (dead)

Authorette: You got ‘em, Jack.

Jack: (throws can behind him) Thank ye! That stuff is useful.

Christina: (gets hit on the head with the silly string can) Ow… (falls down unconscious)

Jack: Oh geez! (runs over to Christina) I just killed me bonny lass!

Elizabeth: Well, that solves that!

Jack: No it doesn’t! Now what do I do?! I have no bonny lass!

Authorette: (zaps in Spice Girls) Now you have five.

Scary Spice: Oi! Look girls! This pirate is so cute!

(Spice Girls surround Jack and sweet-talk him)

Elizabeth: (sighs) What does a girl gotta do to get a prince to fall in love with her around here?

Authorette: You were doing fine until the freak nacho accident.

Elizabeth: Yeah… and that was all your fault!!! You caused the freak nacho accident!

Authorette: Me! You’re so spoiled, I had to do something to shut you up before you killed him yourself cuz he gave you cheddar cheese and not mozzarella!!!

Elizabeth: A giant basket of nachos?! It killed Will! The blacksmith! The due I’m supposed to confess my love to and live happily ever after with!

Authorette: Well, it’s a little late for that! If he wasn’t crushed by that nacho, he would’ve drowned in cheese! He’s dead! Just put all the blame on the teapot and drop it!

Elizabeth: Fine… but wait! What about the rose?! Is it dead yet?

Authorette: Hmm… nope. You have ten seconds.

Elizabeth: (dives into cheese looking for Will) I love you! I love you! Breathe! I love you! Wake up! I love you!

Authorette: Time’s up!

Elizabeth: I didn’t find him! Did it work?!

Will: (stands up covered and dripping in cheese) I’m moving to Florida with the oranges. I hate Wisconsin. I hate cheese.

Elizabeth: Kiss me already!

(They kiss, and the spell is broken; everything is normal again)

Will: Well, everything’s back to normal again! Yay!

Elizabeth: Wait… Christina isn’t human anymore! She’s…

Authorette: Not a teapot…

Elizabeth: No… she’s a snow globe! (picks up snow globe with Christina Aguilera figurine in it and winds it; ‘Dirrrty’ begins playing)

Will: Heh… and would you look at that?

Jack: (on his knees holding five potatoes) No! It’s all gone! My future is gone! And I liked the red head so much! She had huge shoes…

Elizabeth: It’s ok, Jack. We’ll find you someone… someday…

Authorette: And I have the perfect person… (zaps in Chrissy Snow)

Chrissy: Oh, hi! Say, where’s Janet? Where’s Jack?

Jack: (stares) I’m Jack… Captain Jack Sparrow. I’m a pirate.

Chrissy: Aww… you’re so adorable! Do you have a ship, Mr. Pirate?

Jack: I do.

Chrissy: Wow! Wonderful! Is it big with white sails?

Jack: (gulps) Black sails but it is quite large in size…

Will: Very cozy as well… perfect for two loonies such as yourselves!

Jack: I don’t need any help, thank you! Jack Sparrow has natural Charm…

Elizabeth: Of course you do.

Chrissy: This is great! Hey Jack! Wanna go get some Chinese? I loooooooove Chinese!

Jack: (stares in total amazement) She likes Chinese…

Authorette: Am I good or what?