Elizabeth: This is stupid! I’m practically royalty and cleaning stairs?!

Authorette: Yes.

Elizabeth: Who is that?

Authorette: I am… well call me… I dunno… Authorette?

Elizabeth: How about something else other than washing stairs?

Authorette: (considering) Umm… ok! (snaps fingers; Elizabeth is on top of a balcony in a beautiful gown)

Elizabeth: Oh, now this is more like it!

Authorette: Two words you’d like to say?

Elizabeth: Hmm… new shoes?

Authorette: (sighs) Yeah, whatever… (zaps her new shoes) Oop! Here comes the wicked queen!

Britney: Hey!

Elizabeth: Oh my god! My father married?! Father!

Britney: Oh, shut up. He’s in Aruba.

Elizabeth: Aruba? Why aren’t I there with him? How did I get stuck with you? I want to be in Aruba!

Britney: (shrugs) Ask the Authorette…

Elizabeth: You did this!

Authorette: And?

Elizabeth: And!… and…

Britney: It’s ok, Elizabeth… everyone stutters…

Elizabeth: Get away from me! You thoroughly disturb me! Hey! Authorette person! Help1 She scares me!

Authorette: No way! You are beyond spoiled…

Elizabeth: Come on! Will you please get me out of here?!

Authorette: Magic word?

Elizabeth: Parley?

Authorette: (sighs) That works.

Elizabeth: (zapped to an island) Well, this is… odd… and familiar! I’ve been here before!

Authorette: Good job! You recognized the island!

Elizabeth: I was trapped here with Jack before you brought me here!

Authorette: Nothing gets by you, Elizabeth…

Elizabeth: That’s right… so, what am I here for?

Authorette: Just walk around til you find someone.

Elizabeth: Like? (person flies into her, she falls to the beach) What on Earth?!

Gilligan: Sorry lady… lady?! Hi lady! (shakes her hand)

Elizabeth: Erm… who is this?! Hey! This isn’t right!

Authorette: (sings) G-I-double L-I-G-A-N spells Gilligan…

Gilligan: that’s me! I’m one of the seven dorks you’ll be meeting!

Elizabeth: Seven?! (Gilligan grabs her hand and pulls her along)

Gilligan: Yeah! Boy, you got stranded too>? Wow..

Elizabeth: Wait! I’m stranded?! On Gilligan’s Island?!

Authorette: Yeah, I guess you could saw that… but you aren’t o Gilligan’s Island…

Elizabeth: Stranded?!

Gilligan: (opens door in the sand) Here we go! (climbs in)

Elizabeth: But this is just a little rum cellar! I was here once before!

Gilligan: Yeah, but when Jack showed it to us, we dug it out and now-

Elizabeth: Jack’s here?! I’m stranded with him again?!

Authorette: And six other lovable guys…

Elizabeth: Help… (enters the underground room0

Rick: Who is this lovely thing?

Elizabeth: (sigh) Same question, hottie…

Gilligan: Uh, this is-

Authorette: Elizabeth, this is everyone… Everyone, this is Elizabeth.

Elizabeth: Hello everyone?

Harry and Ron: Hello.

Rick: Hi.

Ashton: Sup?

Simon: I hate you all… you’ve all been absolutely horrible…you’re pitiful…

Ashton: Shut up, man! That’s not cool!

Simon: You’re simply pathetic…

Ron: Look at him.. he’s like a broken record.

Elizabeth: Parrots are better except the don’t break.

Ron: Parrot? Oh, whatever…

Harry: Ron, just shut up.

Elizabeth: Wait, aren’t you both magic?

Ron: Yes…

Elizabeth: Then get us off the island!

Harry: We can’t… she took all of our power, wands, brooms…

Authorette: MUAHAHAHA!!!

Gilligan: She does that occasionally.

Elizabeth: Why are we here?! Where is Jack? You said he was here! I still want to go to Aruba with Father!

Authorette: Shut up already! He’s here! You’re not in Aruba because you’re here with the seven dorks! Savvy?

Elizabeth: That’s Jack’s line…

Authorette: So? I’m the authorette… I can do and say whatever I want!

Gilligan: Here, lady. Sit here and wait for Jack to come back.

Elizabeth: No! I want to fight with the authorette more!

Rick: How about cards? War?

Elizabeth: No!

Ashton: Monopoly?

Elizabeth: No! Wait… Monopoly?

Gilligan: Oh! I know! Tic tac toe!

Elizabeth: Help! Somebody save me!

Fireman: Someone call for help? I’ll save you!

Elizabeth: I did… what are you doing here? Is he prince charming? Eww!

Authorette: Umm… Joe? Wrong island. You’re even in the wrong ocean… Hawaii is in the Pacific.

Ashton: Dude, a fireman looking for Hawaii?

Fireman: Yeah, aliens are attacking a gas station! But don’t worry… Fireman Joe is on it. (exits)

Harry: Aliens…

Gilligan: Yeah, and all we get is pirates…

Authorette: Good thing Joe left.

Elizabeth: Why?

Authorette: Joe is weird.

Elizabeth: So?! I’m still waiting for Jack to come back! How am I supposed to survive Dork Island without someone I know? Are you putting me on?

Authorette: No, no… Jack’s here…

Elizabeth: Where?!

Authorette: Not telling…

Elizabeth: I hate you…

Simon: I hate you all!

Rick: Yeah, well everyone hates you so shut up.

Ashton: Hey, can you cook, Lizzy?

Elizabeth: It’s Miss Swann and no... I’m the governer’s daughter and everthing is handed to me on a silver platter!

Authorette: Spoiled…

Elizabeth: What?

Authorette: Nothing…

Elizabeth: I want out of here!

Authorette: Oh, sit down, shut up, and play some Scrabble. (Scrabble board and big table and chairs appear)

Harry: This is cool…

Simon; I hate it.

Ron: Butterbeer anyone?

Rick: Sure. (guys sit around table.; Elizabeth sits between Rick and Ashton; Ashton falls in love with Elizabeth suddenly.)

Ashton: You’re hot… better than that old bat I’m seeing now…

Elizabeth: Uh… person? Does prince charming come in soon?

Authorette: As soon as you’re alone, Britney kills you with a poison apple, and then he kisses you.

Ashton: I won’t leave her side!

Elizabeth: Go! All of you! Leave me to die! Wait… die?

Authorette: Deep sleep, sorry…

Ashton: (puts arm around Elizabeth) I’ll be your prince charming, babe…

Elizabeth: Will!!!

Will: What?

Authorette: Hey! You aren’t supposed to be here yey!

Will: Oh…

Fangirl: (jumps into scene) No! she’s gotten tweo hot guys to like her! She must die!

Ashton: Who said I loved her?

Elizabeth: You don’t love me?

Ashton: I dunno.

Fangirl: (holds up dagger) Your answer is a life or death decision.

Ashton: Hmm… who’s life?

Rick: Yours or Elizabeth’s…

Harry: Hey person! Can you get her out of here? Scrabble…

Authorette: Oh, ok… one sec… (zaps Ashton so he doesn’t love Elizabeth anymore)

Elizabeth: Please?!

Authorette: I guess… sorry Lindsay. No murders today.

Fangirl: Hey! (zapped away)

Authorette: Will, get lost. (He turns to go)

Ron: Hey!

Will: What?

Ron: Can I have an autograph?

Gilligan: Yeah! Me too!

Wiil: Sure…

Authorette: Will!

Will: Sorry guys… later, when I’m not about to be zapped. Bye (zapped away)

Elizabeth: No! Will! Come back!

Authorette: Chill out, he’ll save your butt later.

Elizabeth: Bring him back! Him or Jack! Someone I know!

Authorette: (zaps in Norrington) Here… someone you know.

Elizabeth: Oh my god! Not him! Run!

Norrington: So Elizabeth… Where’s lovey-poo Turner? You know, the guy you love instead of my sexy body…

Gilligan: I thought you were with Will, Elizabeth…

Elizabeth: Of course! He’s just a nightmare!

Harry: Wait! Maybe he’s a boggart! (zaps Norrington) Ridikulus!

Authorette: I thought I had that wand? Ron’s too…

Ron: You did until Rick swiped them for us…

Norrington: (unconscious)

(Everyone stares at Harry and Ron)

Harry: Ok, so he’s not a boggart…

Elizabeth: Hey, can they leave now? I want the apple, the kiss, and the hotness of Will! Then we hit Aruba with Daddy!

Authorette: Magic word?

Elizabeth: Parley!

Authorette: Say goodbye, dorks.

Gilligan: Goodbye, Elizabeth.

Rick: We’ll see ya babe.

Simon: I hate you all.

Harry: Bye.

Ashton: See you round.

Ron: What about jack? He isn’t here yet!

Authorette: Ron…

Ron: Err… bye.

Elizabeth: Goodbye! Now bring me the apple of death…uh, I mean deep sleep…

Authorette: (zaps everyone gone except Elizabeth) There… so, you still wanna see Jack?

Elizabeth: Yes! I think you’re lying… You probably killed him!

Authorette: Never! Now here’s your wicked queen…(zaps Britney in)

Britney: Hi world! I know you love me and… oh…

Authorette: Welcome back, Britney…

Elizabeth: Isn’t she supposed to be an ugly old hag?

Britney: There’s no such thing as making me ugly1

Authorette: Wanna bet?

Elizabeth: Uh… can she just poison me and leave so she can stop disturbing me?

Britney: Why do I scare you?

Elizabeth: You’re dancing… eww! Creepy!

Britney: I love dancing! (busts a few moves; guys drool)

Authorette: Down boys… Britney, poison her so we can send Will in.

Britney: You can’t… I killed him.

Elizabeth: (grabs Britney’s throat and shakes) YOU WHAT?!

Britney: Calm down! It was just Will Smith!

Authorette: You killed Will Smith?

Britney: Yeah, he’s annoying.

Elizabeth: So are you!

Authorette: (resurrects Will Smith) There! That’s better!

Will Smith: Yo, thanks. I’m out. (zaps off)

Authorette: Britney! Poison her already!

Elizabeth: And hurry!

Britney: Hurry? You got it! (punches out Elizabeth)

Authorette: What was all that about?!

Britney: Well, you both said hurry… my poison takes too long.

Authorette: All right, that’s it. (zaps Britney to the top of the Eiffel Tower and the seven, or six rather, dorks push her off and she plummets to her death)

Dorks: (cheer)

Ron: Jack outta be happy!

Harry: He sure will!

Gilligan: Now let’s go back to Elizabeth! Authorette, zap us huh? (Authorette zaps them to the rum cellar; they see Elizabeth’s swollen cheek)

Ron: Wow, that’s not too attractive.

Ashton: Neither is your red hair.

Gilligan: C’mon! Let’s sob, cry and moan while we wait for Will to get here!

(They put her out on the sunny beach on a rock and sob continuously for six months)

Authorette: Elizabeth! Wake up!

Elizabeth: Wait! I gotta be kissed!

Gilligan: By who? No prince charming…

Elizabeth: Hang on one collar-pickin’ minute! Where is Jack? Has he been here since I went out cold? Will he ever come back?!

Authorette: Somewhere, no, and yes.

Elizabeth: Where is this somewhere?!

(Fireman Joe runs in)

Fireman: The aliens are coming! The aliens are coming!

Ashton: Whoa… not too good with the Pal Revere, huh?

Fireman: What?! Oh God! Here they come! (Mexicans walk in)

Simon: I hate them.

Rick: Cool…

Authorette: Aliens? Oh, I get it!!!! But why did they suddenly storm over to a Hawaiian gas station? And why did you go?

Fireman: Burritos were half price at a gas station! All Mexicans like burritos! They can’t resist the urge! So, us firefighters flocked on down to sell our hoagies! They sold like mad…

Elizabeth: Hoagies?

Ron: What kind?

Fireman: Italian.

Ron: Deal!

Authorette: Have any of you seen Will?

Fireman: Will Smith? Yeah, he’s –

Elizabeth: Will Turner…

Fireman: Oh. No… but wait! (whispers to authorette)

Authorette: Ok! We’ve got a prince!

Elizabeth: It isn’t him, is it?

Authorette: NO, Joe’s not the prince.

Elizabeth: But-

Authorette: Neither is Norrington.

Elizabeth: Good! Goodnight! (lays back onto rock)

Gilligan: Wait! Hold some flowers!

Elizabeth: Ok! (asleep)

(A row boat comes ashore; a handsomely-dressed mad appears from the boat holding a bouquet of flowers)

Authorette: No way! (Gibbs looks up)

Gibbs: What? (zapped away and replaced with…)

Jack: Sorry I’m late. (dressed up in Will’s get-up with the hat and all...)

Elizabeth: (sits up) Jack! Yay! Uh… wait! I’m not kissing him!

Jack: Why not?

Elizabeth: Because! Will’s my prince charming and you look goofy!

Jack: (sits on rock) Look, Will couldn’t be here, so I dropped in for the part.

Elizabeth: Where have you been all this time?

Jack: In line for a burrito. But the line for hoagies was a bit shorter, so I went and got one of them.

Authorette: Where’s Will? (zaps will in)

Will: (beaten and bruised) Help! (Lindsay tackles him)

Elizabeth: So this is where you’ve been… off with… her…

Fangirl: He lo9ves me! He even said so!

Will: Only because you tortured and forced me!

Elizabeth: Fine! Goodbye Will! I’ll find another!

Will: Eliza-! (tackled again)

Jack: So you’re with me?

Authorette: No.

Elizabeth and Jack: No?

Authorette: Snow White goes with prince charming to his castle.

Jack: I’ve got something better! The Pearl!

Elizabeth: (jumps off rock, hands on hips) Ok, who here’s got a castle?

Harry: Our school’s a castle…

Elizabeth: (shrugs) Close enough. (broom appears; Elizabeth gets on with Harry and Ron)

Jack: Wait!

Elizabeth: Sorry, Jack! A ship and castle? No contest! Now off to…!

Ron: Hogwarts.

Elizabeth: Yeah, that’s it! Hogwarts! No, wait! Go to Aruba! I’m coming, Daddy!