MULDER, THE FBI AGENT
Mulder breathed a sigh of relief as Scully took a breath. His heart was in his throat. He thought for sure he had lost her. He leaned down, as Scully seemed about to speak “Had ya big time,” she whispered in his ear. Mulder grinned at Scully as she grinned back. This was the partner he knew and loved. He looked over as suddenly the bodies around them in their ice prisons began to shake as the aliens within started to claw their way out. Mulder picked up Scully and helped her to run as they tried to escape what Mulder knew was going to be Hell on earth in a few moments. He found an opening in the wall and saw a tunnel leading upwards in it. He boosted Scully up and followed her as soon as she was all the way in. He let out a gasp as he felt an alien grab at his ankle and he fought to kick it off. Suddenly a blast of cold air rushed down the vent and blinded the alien causing him to let go. Mulder scrambled into the tunnel and caught up to Scully. As they went up the tunnel, Mulder noticed a glowing light up ahead. He wondered what it was for a moment and then figured it was just the sunlight glinting off the ice and snow above. He grabbed his hand around Scully’s waist and helped her up to the surface of Antarctica. Mulder blinked. At least he thought it was Antarctica. He didn’t remember a pine tree forest near where he had first gone underground. He frowned as he looked around. “Looks like Antarctica to me,” he mused. “I mean there’s snow everywhere, its cold, there’s a castle in the distance.” Mulder’s eyes widened. “Castle?” he sputtered. He looked down at Scully who had the same look of confusion on her face as she stared at it too. “Um, Mulder,” she whispered hoarsely. “I didn’t know the researchers here lived like that.” “I didn’t either,” Mulder said. “But, where there’s shelter, there are people. And we need to get home right now, so I’m not gonna worry about it until later.” Mulder and Scully began to walk towards the castle. “Why, hello there.” Mulder and Scully froze as they heard a voice behind them. They turned and both stared in shock as a tiny snowman wearing a bowler hat and a green vest, and carrying a banjo slid up to them. “Welcome,” he said, “I am Sam the Snowman. Welcome to Christmas town.” Mulder looked at Scully. “Scully, that snowman is alive,” he said, pointing at him. “And, you’re amazed, Mulder? After all you’ve seen?” Scully rasped out. Mulder thought for a moment and then nodded. He looked down at the snowman and cleared his throat. “Um, hi,” he said, hesitantly. “Um, please don’t hurt us, mister snowman with the banjo.” Sam chuckled. “Oh, I’m not gonna hurt you. In fact, it’s nice to see new faces up here. It gets pretty boring seeing the same old people all the time here at the North Pole.” Mulder blinked. “Huh? North Pole? We’re at the South Pole,” he said. Sam laughed. “Oh no, my friend, this is the North Pole. Over there is Santa’s workshop,” he said, pointing to the castle. Mulder’s eyes bugged. “Santa Claus? He exists?” he said, as he and Scully looked at each other and back at the castle. “Why, of course, he exists, dear boy. Who do you think brings you presents on Christmas Morn?” “Um…. My mom and dad,” Mulder said. Sam chuckled. “Well, they bring you some. But not all of them, Santa brings the majority of your presents on Christmas.” “Uh…huh,” Mulder said, slowly. “Listen…um…Sam, we really gotta go now. Scully and I have just been through a lot. We’re just gonna go visit Santa and see if old Saint Nick has a working phone we could use.” “Oh, I see,” Sam said, grinning at him. “Well, I’ll walk with you to the Castle then.” “Okay, if you feel you have to,” Mulder muttered. He tightened his grip around Scully as they trudged through the snow towards the castle. He looked down as he heard Sam begin to play his banjo and sing. Silver and Gold Everyone wishes for silver and gold Mulder and Scully looked at each other and quickened their pace. Mulder looked down and groaned when he saw that Sam was keeping up with them as he strummed his banjo and sang. Mulder sighed and looked down at Sam who smiled up at them as he kept strumming. “Who the Hell are you, Frosty the Snowman’s evil twin?” he cried out. Sam’s eyes widened. “Oh you want to hear Frosty the Snowman? Okay… Frosty the Snowman was a jolly happy soul…” Mulder gritted his teeth and pulled Scully along as Sam continued to follow. They finally reached the castle doors and Mulder pounded on it furiously as Sam stood singing Frosty the Snowman to them. Finally, he gave out a sigh of relief as the door opened. His mouth dropped as he stared up at a huge white furry monster with a blue face. “Jesus Christ!” Mulder yelled out as Scully let out a scream. Suddenly a fat little man with a red mustache and beard appeared in front of him. “Oh, don’t let this bumble scare ya. He’s a reformed bumble. He just puts the stars on top of the Christmas trees now.” Mulder and Scully looked at each other and looked up at the monster who nodded and showed them a star. Mulder sighed as the monster put the star on top of Mulder’s head and pointed to it. “See, that’s what he does,” the man said. “Yeah, yeah,” Mulder said, taking the star off of his head and throwing it back at Sam. “Listen, we need to use a phone, mister…” “Oh! Name’s Yukon Cornelius. I’m a prospector. I search for silver and gold. GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLD!” Mulder and Scully swayed and held onto each other as a major earthquake suddenly erupted. As soon as he stopped talking, the earthquake stopped. They watched as Yukon suddenly threw his pickaxe into the air. It landed beside the door and Mulder made a face as he watched him pick it up and lick the pick. “What the Hell are you doing?” Mulder said. “I’m testing to see if there’s silver or gold on my pickaxe,” Yukon said. He sighed as he stared at the pickaxe disdainfully. “Nothin’” he muttered. Suddenly Sam spoke up. “Aw, isn’t that always the way. Well, what do you think of our friend Yukon. He’s always searching for gold and silver, silver and gold…. Silver and gold, silver and gold…everyone wishes for silver and gold…” “THAT’S IT! MOVE ASIDE! I WANT IN THE FUCKING PLACE!” Mulder said, ramming into Yukon and head butting the monster out of the way. As Yukon and the monster fell on their Asses. Mulder pulled Scully inside and grabbed the door. He yelled at Sam who waved at them cheerfully. “Go take that banjo and ram it up your…” “Oh, visitors!” Mulder slammed the door on Sam and turned around to see a little blonde haired elf with a blue suit and hat staring up at them. He ignored the monster and Yukon who were picking themselves up off the floor as he spoke to the elf. “Listen, we really need a phone. Is there one available?” “Sure!” Mulder grinned. Then, his grin faded into a puzzled look as the elf stared at his teeth, intently. “Oh, wow. You really need a checkup,” the elf said, shocked. Mulder looked at Scully and looked back at the elf. “I need what?” “A checkup and fast. It looks like you haven’t brushed in awhile.” Mulder sighed. “Well, of course I haven’t been brushing. I’ve been in the fucking Antarctic trying to save my partner! I had no time for brushing.” The elf’s eyes widened in shock. “No time! Oh my, my, my! We need to get you looked at as soon as possible! You might have cavities by now!” Mulder’s mouth fell open. “I don’t have cavities, you demented little elf! I don’t have a phone either, which is why I just asked if you had one a few moments ago!” The elf smiled. “I said we do…” Mulder sighed, feeling his blood pressure dropping. “We have all kinds of phones. We have phones that ring and some you can pull along on a string and we’ve even been making some of those cell phones.” Mulder’s eyes widened as he felt his blood pressure rise again. “NO! I mean a real phone! A real fucking phone! Not a toy! I need to call my boss in Washington so we can get the fuck out of here! Now do you have an actual phone or not?” “Um…no.” Mulder’s shoulders slumped. “Wonderful, just wonderful. Well, come on, Scully. Let’s go find a nice psych ward or something. Maybe they have a phone…or a couple of beds.” “We do have a sleigh though,” the elf said. Mulder stared down at him. “Sleigh?” “Yeah, you said you need to go back to Washington? Well, it’s Christmas Eve. Santa can take you in the sleigh and drop you off when he delivers toys there.” Mulder blinked. He and Scully looked at each other. Mulder shrugged. “Um, okay. If that’s our only option…” he said. “I need time to figure out how come we ended up on the opposite pole anyway.” He muttered as the elf beckoned them to follow him. As they walked, Mulder and Scully began to hear sounds of merriment and hammering and sawing as they went further and further into the castle. The elf looked up at them. “Oh, I’m Hermie, by the way.” Mulder and Scully nodded hello. “I’m Mulder and this is Scully.” “I know.” Mulder stared at him. “How do you…” then he thought. “Oh right, you would know since you work for Santa…” Hermie nodded. He stared at Mulder’s face. “Sure you don’t want a checkup?” “No, thank you, I don’t want a checkup. My teeth are fine!” Mulder snapped. He stared at Hermie as he suddenly looked down at the ground and sniffed. “Um, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for that to come across so harsh,” he said. “No, I’m used to that. It’s just that I can’t get anyone to let me check their teeth.” “Well, maybe they go to other dentists,” Mulder pointed out. “Oh no, I’m the first dentist here. Well, not officially, because I’m not practicing yet. But I’ve been studying it. Oh, it’s fascinating! You have no idea! All those molars and bicuspids, and incisors.” “Yeah, really intriguing,” Mulder muttered. “But anyway, I’m used to people snapping at me. I’m just a misfit, I don’t fit in anywhere.” Scully giggled. “Gee, Mulder here is a misfit too. Aren’t ya?” she said with a wink. “Ha ha,” Mulder said, dryly. He looked over at Hermie and frowned when he saw Hermie’s face light up with joy. “YOU’RE A MISFIT TOO?” he screamed. “Um, well she just meant that as a joke, really…” Mulder said. “I CAN’T BELIEVE IT!” Hermie said, jumping for joy. “Now Rudolph and I have someone we can share our stories with and our hopes and dreams and sing…” “Oh God, no! No singing!” Mulder said, holding up his hand. “We had enough of it from that snowman outside.” “Oh Sam. He’s nice. He loves to sing all day long.” Mulder rolled his eyes. “Yes, I guessed that,” he muttered. He looked over and saw a little reindeer with a red nose enter the room. “Hey, Hermie. What’s up?” “Rudolph, you won’t believe it! I found another misfit!” Rudolph’s eyes got wide. “You did? Oh, wow! Where is this misfit?” Hermie pointed at Mulder as Scully snickered. “Right here!” he said, grinning. Mulder shot Scully a glare as Hermie and Rudolph began to dance around. “We’re a couple of misfits, we’re a couple of misfits, what’s the matter with misfits, that’s where we fit in!” they sang. Mulder groaned. “Oh Jesus, I’m beginning to hate Christmas more and more with every minute,” he said to himself. “Um, could you please stop singing and dancing for a moment? I don’t like it.” Rudolph and Hermie stopped singing and dancing. They looked at each other and shrugged. “Oh, um…okay...” Rudolph said. “That’s the first time anyone’s ever asked us to stop though.” Mulder snorted. He stared at Rudolph’s nose. “Why do you have a light bulb on the end of your nose?” he asked. Rudolph frowned. “Light bulb? That’s my red nose…see?” His nose suddenly started to glow as a weird high-pitched oooooooooo echoed in the room. Mulder looked at Scully and pointed to the nose. “It’s a light bulb. You just turned on a red light bulb,” he said. Rudolph’s jaw dropped. “IT IS NOT! IT IS MY NOSE AND IT IS A VERY HANDSOME NOSE TOO!” he said, indignant. Mulder and Scully both let out a sigh. “Whatever, whatever.” Mulder said. “It’s a light bulb to me, but you’re the one wearing it and calling it your nose, so I’m not gonna argue,” he stared down at them. “Look is the sleigh going to leave soon, like in the next ten seconds?” Hermie and Rudolph looked at each other. “Um, it should be loading up now, shouldn’t it Rudolph?” “Yup, it should be almost ready to go.” Mulder breathed a sigh of relief. “Thank God!” he said. He and Scully followed Rudolph and Hermie further into the castle. They came to a large room and saw the sleigh and the other eight reindeer being harnessed to it. Rudolph ran up to the front and an elf with shades on took care of his harness as Rudolph’s nose glowed. “Still say that’s a little light bulb,” Mulder whispered to Scully. “I know it and you know it, but apparently no one else knows it,” Scully whispered back. Mulder shrugged. “As long as we get back to Washington, I don’t care,” he said. Finally, the harnessing was done and Santa come into the room. “I understand, you need a ride,” he said to them. Mulder cleared his throat. “Um, yeah. Scully and I do need a ride back to Washington,” he said. Santa nodded and pointed to the sleigh. “Go ahead and get in then. I have another elf coming along with me as well. We have to make a quick stop at the Island of Misfit Toys and then we’ll head towards Washington.” Mulder grinned. “Thanks Santa, appreciate it.” As he and Scully walked to the sleigh, he whispered to her, “Island of Misfit Toys? What the Hell?” Scully shrugged. They reached the sleigh and Mulder helped her inside before settling in himself. He watched as a short elf with dark hair jumped in the back where the sack was and then Santa climbed in. He nodded to two elves. They opened a door in front of him and he grinned as Mulder and Scully saw a raging snowstorm outside. “Looks like a real nasty storm! Good thing we have Rudolph to light the way,” he said. Mulder leaned over to Scully and whispered in her ear. “Yeah, I’m sure that 10 watt bulb he calls a nose will just illuminate the night sky once we get out there.” Scully giggled. They watched as Santa leaned forward. “Ready, Rudolph?” Rudolph looked back. “Ready, Santa!” Santa slapped the reins. “Then it’s up, up and away….” Mulder and Scully gasped as they felt the sleigh lift up under them. They sailed out the door and both of them cried out as the snow pelted their faces like tiny little daggers. Mulder blinked and looked over at Santa who had a huge grin on his face while he was singing to himself. He looked at Scully and gasped as he felt more snow hit his face. “I think Santa ought to get a nice, heated, airplane or something…” he muttered as he hunched down inside his parka. Through the blinding snow, all Mulder could see was a faint red glow coming from up front. He wondered how the Hell Santa was able to navigate by it. He figured Santa had eagle eyes or bat sonar or something. After a few moments, Mulder and Scully opened their eyes and they felt a bump as the sleigh hit the ground. They looked over and their eyes widened when they saw little toys crying out for joy and running towards the sleigh. As they reached the sleigh, they hopped up and went into the sack behind them. Mulder looked back as Santa called out for Rudolph to start up again. As the sleigh lifted off, Mulder nodded at the toys that were peeking out of the sack. “So you are the misfit toys?” he yelled out. “Yes!” a little doll said. “We are finally getting off this island and finding new homes where a little boy and girl will love us again.” “Why wouldn’t they love you before?” Scully yelled out. “Because we’re all misfits,” the doll said. “You are? Well, what’s wrong with you?” Mulder said, staring at the doll. “You look like an ordinary doll to me.” He pointed to a cowboy riding an ostrich that was nearby. “Him, I get. But I don’t see anything wrong with you.” “Um, well, um…I’m not sure about me. But, I’m a misfit,” the doll said, emphatically. Mulder rolled his eyes and turned back around. He turned around again when he heard the elf digging in the sack. He watched as he took a choo choo train with square wheels and attached an umbrella to it. Mulder and Scully gasped as he threw it overboard. “Hey! That thing is alive! What did you do that for?” Mulder screamed out. “We’re going to a new home,” a little bird with fish fins said. “You’re odd looking,” Mulder said, staring at him. “I know. I’m a bird that can’t fly. I swim,” he said, indicating the fish fins. “I see…” Mulder said. He watched as the elf took him in his hands. “Merry Christmas.” The birdfish said, cheerfully. “I’m going to new home.” The elf opened an umbrella and then studied the birdfish. He looked from the umbrella to the birdfish and then shrugging, tossed him over the side without the umbrella. Mulder’s eyes bugged out. “Hey! You didn’t give him an umbrella!” he said. “He doesn’t need one. He can fly,” the elf said shrugging. “NO HE CAN’T! HE JUST GOT DONE TELLING US HE’S A MISFIT BECAUSE HE SWIMS INSTEAD OF FLIES.” The elf ignored him and dug again into the bag. Mulder looked over the edge and looked back at Scully. She shook her head. “Maybe toys can’t die?” she said, hopefully. Mulder sighed. Suddenly, he and Scully looked over at Santa as he spoke to them. “We’re over Washington now,” he said. Mulder breathed a sigh of relief until he felt the elf tie an umbrella around his neck and then Scully’s neck. His eyes bugged out as he screamed. “No!! Set us down!! Set us doooooooooooooooown! He and Scully screamed as Santa and the elf both pushed them overboard. They held onto each other in mid air as they could hear Santa above them saying, “Merry Christmas!” “Basssssstaaaaaard!” Mulder said, as he and Scully plummeted toward earth. They let out an “Oof” as their butts hit a huge snowdrift and they slid down it. They landed side by side and Mulder glared at the sky. “I am going to ask Skinner to give me an assignment in the North Pole, just so I can go back and beat the shit out of Santa!” he yelled out. “At least we’re home now, Mulder. Back in Washington where we belong.” “Thank God for small miracles,” Mulder said, dusting himself off as he got up. He looked over at Scully and frowned as Scully stared ahead with a wide-eyed look. He looked in the direction she was looking and his mouth dropped open as he saw that the Seattle Space Needle was looming above them. “AW, SHIT!!!” Mulder screamed. “Well, Mulder. You didn’t say D.C. You just said Washington,” Scully pointed out. Mulder screamed out. “DAMN YOU SANTA CLAUS!” as music suddenly started. The camera panned out on Mulder’s enraged face as a song started. Mulder the FBI agent All of the other agents Then one foggy Christmas Eve Oh well, Scully still loves him (close up on Mulder) “I’LL KILL ALL OF YOU, YOU FREAKS!” (Music ends and the screen fades to black) THE END
Silver and Gold
How do you measure its worth?
Just by the pleasure it brings here on earth…
Had a very shiny gun
And whenever he used it
The bad guys would turn and run
Used to laugh and call him spooky
They never let poor Mulder
Have an ounce of dignity
Mulder came to say
Santa with your suit so red
If I ever see you again, you’re gonna be dead.
Even when he’s angry
Mulder the FBI agent
He’s as pissed as he caaaaaan beeeeeeeeeee.