A/N: Got this idea after watching In The Loop with Peter Capaldi. This fic has a mature rating for a reason so if you don't like swear words, don't read.

Chapter One

"So where are we going then?" Clara said to the Twelfth Doctor as he stood at the console. \

"I thought we would try a random location today and see what happens," the Doctor said with a smile. "How does that sound?"

"Sounds good to me. Random location, here we come!" Clara said.

"Ah yes, that's the spirit," the Doctor said as he set the controls to random. "Hopefully, we land somewhere interesting."


(South Park, Colorado…)

"This is a bunch of bullshit!" Cartman said as he walked home with his friends. "I can't do a book report in three days."

"Especially since you can't read, fuckface," Kyle said.

"I will ignore your hateful words, Kyle," Cartman said, stopping and turning towards him with a pompous air of importance. "At least I didn't have to repeat the fourth grade."

"I didn't repeat the fourth grade, dumbass, that was you," Kyle said.

"I didn't repeat anything, assmunch!" Cartman said.

Kenny and Stan glanced at one another before Kenny stepped forward.

"Mmpff, mmpff," Kenny said, putting one hand on both his friend's shoulders.

"Yeah, Kenny's right, we need to get along," Stan said, coming up between them. "We need to be nice to each other."

"I'll get along with Assmonkey when he stops implying I can't read."

"You can't read, Assmonkey Junior," Kyle said.

"Can't hear you, Kyle, ignoring you now," Cartman said, turning and waving his hand dismissively.

He was about to walk away when all of them heard an odd wheezing sound. They watched with silent awe as a strange blue box materialized in front of that.

"What the fuck is that?" Stan said, pointing to it.

"It says Police Box up there," Kyle said, pointing to the sign above the door.

"Good, the police have come to arrest you for being a bitch to me, Kyle," Cartman said to him.

"You're the bitch, Cartman, just like your mother," Kyle said.


They fell silent when the TARDIS doors opened and Clara peeked outside.

"Damn, what the fuck is that?" Cartman said to the others while Clara looked around in confusion.

"It's a woman, what does it look like," Stan said.

"I know it's a woman, dumbass, but she looks weird!" Cartman said. "She's all fat and bumpy."

"You're fat and bumpy, Cartman," Kyle said.


Clara gasped when Cartman pushed his way past her and froze when he saw the interior of the TARDIS.

"What the fuck is this?" Cartman said as he looked around.

The Doctor was walking towards the door when Cartman entered.

"Um, Doctor, they look like paper people," Clara said to him.

"What the hell is this? Why is this fucker bigger on the inside?" Cartman said, walking up to the Doctor.

"It's my TARDIS," the Doctor said. "And I'll ask you not to use that foul language in my presence."

"What the fuck's a TARDIS?" Cartman said, ignoring him.

The Doctor glared at him as Clara walked up behind him. He glanced out the door and noticed Cartman's friends had come up to the open door and was peering inside.

"What is this thing?" Stan said, peering in.

"This is my TARDIS, my time machine," the Doctor said to them.

"Time machine?" Cartman said. "Hot damn, it's mine now!"

"It is not yours," the Doctor said to him.

"It's mine, it's mine, it's mine it's mine it's mine!" Cartman chanted as he did a little dance.

"You couldn't use it if you tried, Cartman," Kyle said.

"Hey, Grandpa, can I go back in time and kill him so he won't be around anymore?" Cartman asked the Doctor as he pointed at Kyle.

"No, you can't," the Doctor said.

"Fuck you then, you old fuck," Cartman said.

Clara put her hand over her mouth, holding back her laughter as the Doctor's mouth nearly hit the floor. Meanwhile, Cartman was walking around the console room, muttering to himself about how he owned a time machine while he surveyed his property. He headed towards the console and the Doctor ran to get in front of him.

"No! Get out!" the Doctor said to him.

"No, this is my time machine!" Cartman said. "I'm gonna go back in time and kill Kyle so I won't have to put up with his shit ever again."

"No, it's not your time machine, it's mine. And no, you can't go back and kill anyone," the Doctor growled at him.

"You can't tell me what to do, you fucking old fucking asshole, I own you now!" Cartman said.

"Right, time to get out now," the Doctor said, picking him up.

"No! You can't tell me what to do, you 800 year old assmonkey fuckface!" Cartman said as the Doctor walked to the door with him kicking and screaming in his arms. "This isn't fair! THIS ISN'T FAAAAIR!"

The Doctor dumped him out the door and blocked it while Cartman turned and glared at him.

"You asshole, I'll find a way to get my time machine back!" Cartman said to him.

"This isn't your time machine," the Doctor said smugly.

"Cartman, come on, we gotta go home," Stan said, tugging at Cartman's sleeve.

"No! I want my time machine!" Cartman said. "I found it first and it's mine! It's mine, mine, mine, and no Depends wearing fuck is gonna keep me from it."

"I'm done here," the Doctor said with a sigh. "Come on, Clara, let's go find somewhere else…"

He trailed off when he noticed a huge black flying saucer was slowly coming down out of the clouds.

"What the hell is that thing?" Stan said, pointing to it.

"I want it too!" Cartman yelled, pointing at it. "I want it and I want the time machine. They're all mine!"

The Doctor looked back at Clara.

"Should we leave?" he said to her.

"Dunno, do spaceships land here all the time?" Clara asked him.

"Is this spaceship landing a usual occurance around here?" the Doctor said to Stan as he pointed towards the spaceship.

"Um…no, not really. Cartman was abducted a long time ago by aliens and they gave him pinkeye," Stan said.

"Scott Baio gave me pinkeye," Cartman said to the Doctor.

"And they made him think he was Judy Garland," Kyle said.

"I'm gonna make you think you're dead if you don't shut the fuck up!" Cartman said to him.

"Make me, Lardbutt!" Kyle said.

"Alright, you get out of the way, I'm gonna go inside and go back to the past and kill Fuckface Kyle. I…"

Cartman trailed off when the Doctor and Clara stepped outside and the Doctor slammed the door shut behind him. Cartman jumped up, grabbed the door handle and grunted as he tried to open it while the Doctor and Clara headed towards the spaceship.

"Hey! You get back here and open up my spaceship, you old farty fuck!" Cartman yelled as he leaped down and followed the Doctor and Clara.

The others watched as Cartman walked behind the Doctor and Clara, shouting curses at them while they tried to ignore the little foulmouthed brat.

"Should we follow them?" Stan said to Kyle and Kenny.

"Mmpff, mmpff, mpf," Kenny said.

"Yeah, Kenny's right," Kyle said. "We better make sure Cartman doesn't do something that'll blow up the town. Besides, I'm curious about the spaceship and these people," he added, pointing to the Doctor and Clara.

"All in favor of following, say aye," Stan said. "Aye."

"Aye," Kyle said.

"Mmpf," Kenny said.

"Okay, it's unanimous, let's follow them," Stan said.

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