DOCTOR WHO SILLY STORIES
Chapter Fifty Three "Ooo-baby," Jack said. The game had started but Jack was busy admiring the ballplayers as they walked in and out of the dugout. A Hispanic man had just come out of it, running to home base and Jack was staring at his ass. "Oklahoma City has some mighty fine ballplayers," Jack said. "I might ask for autographs after the game." "Rose, do we have a collar and lead I can put around Jack's neck so he won't sexually assault the team?" the Doctor said to her. "Or one of those harness and lead things they put on children?" One of the food vendors came down the steps next to Rose and Jack signaled to him and purchased another beer. "Please don't get pissed and lose complete control of all your senses," the Doctor said as he passed the plastic cup to Jack. "I won't," Jack said indignantly. "This is only my second beer." The vendor asked if they wanted something else and the Doctor decided to purchase another Coke. He took a sip of it when Rose passed it to him and offered some to Rose. "Live a little, Watergirl," he said with a wink. Rose smiled and sipped some of it while he put his arm around her shoulder. Jack tried to put his arm back around the Doctor but stopped when the Doctor gave him a pointed look and mimed pinching the air. The Doctor and Rose shared the cup of Coke while Ianto sipped a bit of Jack's beer. Suddenly, they saw the wave start on the other side of the ballpark. They watched it go around the stands and did it when it got to their section. It went around again and they laughed as they did the wave with everyone else. "Hey, Doctor?" Jack said. "Yes, Jack?" "Can I be a football hooligan in a baseball park?" Jack said. "You know, start one of those riots and rip up the place?" "No, be good and sip your beer." Jack grinned and sipped his beer. The Doctor turned his attention back to the game and gasped when Jack grabbed the bat at his feet and bopped the Doctor again. He quickly gave the bat to Ianto when the Doctor lunged for it. "Hey…battah, battah, battah, battah!" Jack suddenly yelled. The Doctor gave him an odd look. "Ever seen Ferris Bueller's Day Off?" Jack asked him. "Yeah," the Doctor said. "The scene where they're at the ballpark…hey, battah, battah, battah, battah!" Jack chanted loudly. He looked at Ianto and both of them chanted "Hey, battah, battah, battah, battah" together. "Hey, battah, battah, battah, battah, you have a nice ass, battah!" Jack yelled as a blonde player stepped onto the field. He heard the lady behind him sigh angrily and he smirked and kissed Ianto again just to make her even more angry. He finished the kiss and looked into Ianto's eyes. "I'm on a hiiighway to Hell," he sang to Ianto while he sniggered. He settled back in his seat with Ianto and then had a thought. "Ferris Bueller day!" he said to the Doctor. "Eh?" the Doctor said. "We oughta go to Chicago and have a Ferris Bueller day. Go to the museum, to the ballpark, steal a car, join a parade. That's what we should do." "Mm," the Doctor said. "I'll consider everything except stealing the car." "But that's the best part," Jack said. The Doctor and Rose shared a look while Jack turned his attention back to the game. An impish grin spread over his face and he put his arm around her and leaned in close. "This is baseball," he said, pointing to the game. "Noooo, really?" Rose teased. "Really. Some say it started with the English game of Rounders but it actually started with me." "Oh?" Rose said. "Yes. I visited Teotihuacán in 1501 and told the Aztecs I had a new game called Gadzooks. I grabbed a big stick and threw up a rock and hit the rock with the stick. Then the rock struck the chief in the head and killed him and I ended up running for my life through Mexico up to North Dakota. I then joined a buffalo hunt with the Sioux but my arrow hit the chief instead of a bison and I ran for my life to Florida where I found the fountain of youth but when I danced around, I kicked Ponce De Leon into the fountain and turned him into a fetus so I ran for my life…" "What the hell are you talking about?" Jack said while Rose bust out laughing. "I'm watching a gorgeous ginger hit the ball and you're jabbering on about killing people and running." "Only explaining the true history of baseball to Rose," the Doctor said innocently. "Hey, Ianto, want to hear the true history of football and how I invented it?" Jack said to Ianto. "Does it involve you dying over and over?" Ianto asked. "Pretty much, yeah, but the deaths were worth it to bring football to the world." "Even the death that involved getting the footie ball shoved down your throat?" Ianto said. "Well, no, that was a bit unpleasant. Not to mention I had heartburn after I revived…but other than that, my deaths were worth it to bring footie to the UK and beyond." "I invented horseracing," Rose said. "How?" the Doctor challenged. "When I was the Bad Wolf, I said "horseracing" and so it was." "Really? When did you say "horseracing" since I was there the entire time you were Bad Wolf," the Doctor said. "I said it before I came out the TARDIS door." "Ah," the Doctor said while Jack sniggered. Ianto leaned into Jack. "I invented a game you play with half a hockey stick," he muttered to Jack. Jack chortled and put his hand over his mouth. The Doctor heard Ianto and raised his eyebrow. "Should I ask for an explanation of that?" he muttered to himself. "Nah, better not to know," he said as he turned his attention back to the game. "One night Ianto broke a hockey stick in half and…" The Doctor shoved his hand over Jack's mouth while Rose giggled. Jack grinned and kissed the Doctor's palm. The Doctor took his hand away and feigned disgust at it. "Rose, hand sanitizer? I have germs now," he said, showing her the palm. "All out," Rose said with a shrug. "Ugh, germs," the Doctor said while Jack gave him a playful punch in the arm. Jack rolled his eyes and grinned when the Doctor furiously wiped his palm on the leg of his trouser. "Rose?" "Yes, Doctor." "This game needs a Dalek. Make it more interesting." Rose giggled. "You mean the men would run faster if a Dalek was shooting at them." "Yes. Pick up the pace, speed it up and make it more deadly." "And give you an opportunity to save the ballplayers," Ianto added. "And that," the Doctor said. "Rose. Go out there and strip naked on the pitcher's mound," Jack said. "That would make the game more interesting." "Doctor, go out there and do the Macarena," Rose said. "Rose, go out there and spontaneously combust," the Doctor said. "Jack, go out there and show everyone your womb broom," Ianto said. "Ianto, go down there with me and shag me on first base," Jack said. Jack sighed when the woman behind him muttered at that. "Woman behind me, go read your Bible and leave the gays alone," he said loudly. "Amen," Ianto said. XOXOXOXOXOXO "That was interesting," Jack said as they walked out of the ballpark. "And the Redhawks won. Not that I really care but it's nice to have the home team win." "I thought you were going to stay and try to get the team's autographs," the Doctor said to him. "Nah, I'm ready for the next thing. Let's go steal more money and go eat," Jack said. "Eat? You ate in there," the Doctor said, pointing back to the ballpark. "I snacked in there, there's a difference," Jack said. "I am so glad I have a ship that makes an unending supply of food because we'd all starve with him in the ship," the Doctor said to Rose. Rose stopped the Doctor near the TARDIS. The Doctor gave her a quizzical look while Jack and Ianto stopped and turned to see what they were doing. Rose grabbed the Doctor's hands. "Spin time!" she said. The Doctor grinned and they threw their heads back and spun around in a circle. Jack noticed some people were giving them odd looks as they passed by but the Doctor and Rose didn't care. Jack looked at Ianto. "Bat fight!" he said before he bopped Ianto on the head. Ianto grinned and flicked his t-shirt at him while he dodged Jack's bat. They laughed and ran around for a few minutes before they calmed down and smiling, all of them headed into the TARDIS.
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