DOCTOR WHO SILLY STORIES
Chapter Fifty Five After Jack used the restroom and gave Ianto his Coke, they walked outside. Jack and Ianto froze when they spied the Doctor and Rose. The Doctor kept glancing down at his crotch and then saying something to Rose. Rose was laughing hysterically while the Doctor pulled faces and did dramatic gestures. "What the hell?" Jack said when the Doctor looked down at his crotch again for a moment and then pretended to menace Rose with wide eyes. They walked towards the car, watching Rose's silent laughter while she pressed herself up against her window as the Doctor waggled his fingers at her. Jack and Ianto walked to the side door and Jack opened it. "Some say the men in black are protecting us from the aliens," they heard from the DVD player on the Doctor's lap. "Some say they're part of the aliens themselves." "So everyone run if Will Smith grows tentacles!" the Doctor said to Rose while she laughed. "Oh, I get it now," Jack said to Ianto as they climbed inside. "Aliens are believed to perform gruesome experiments on abductees," the film was saying. "Aliens Are Among Us, I take it?" Jack said as Ianto slid the door shut. "No, it's Wrong Turn, the alien edition," the Doctor said, over his shoulder. "Course it's that aliens are among us film. What else would it be?" "Abductees have reported weird experiments being done on them while they were in the alien's power." "Yes, Rose, you're in my power so be prepared for a probe up the bum!" the Doctor said, waggling his fingers at her while she squealed. "Some abductees have even claimed that aliens have implanted chips in their heads to observe and control their thoughts." The Doctor slapped his forehead. "Mind control chip!" he said while Rose laughed. "Why didn't I think of that before? The perfect way to deal with Rose's noncompliance of my orders! I will do that…after I get her in my power, of course." "Can we leave now?" Jack said. Rose started up the car while the Doctor stopped the movie and handed it back to Jack. "I've seen enough. More of that alarmist rubbish about alien conspiracies and massive abductions," he said to Jack. "There are abductions but not as many as people think. Some of these people are just nutters or people wanting attention." Jack took the DVD out and put it back in the case while Rose got back on the interstate. She was easing into the right lane when someone suddenly zoomed in and nearly clipped her bumped in his haste to get in front of her. "YOU CRAZY NUTTER!" Rose screamed at the car. "WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING, YOU STUPID WANKER!" There was silence and Rose glanced around at the stunned faces of her friends. "Slight problem with road rage, Rose?" Jack said. "Yes," Ianto said. "And if you do have road rage, please let me out of here before you pull out a gun and start shooting at the other cars." "Sorry," Rose said sheepishly. "I see Jackie passed her temper on to her daughter," the Doctor said to Jack and Ianto. "Mum's even worse," Rose said. "I can imagine," the Doctor said, relaxing while the car in front of them speeded up and put some distance between the two cars. "Now that we're sure Rose won't be ramming every car on the interstate, wanna watch another movie?" "Nah, I'm bored with that," Ianto said. "Okay, let's do something else then," Jack said, putting the DVDs and player back in the case. "Singsong!" the Doctor said. "I'll start! Oooooh…Rose is going driving in a car, car, car. But I'm sure she won't get very far, far, far. She'll crash into a tailback and we'll say goodbye to Jack. Cause he'll be going through the windscreen of the car, car, car!" Rose laughed while Jack and Ianto applauded. The Doctor bowed at the waist. "Thank you. Donations accepted," the Doctor said. "I've got an idea. Let's play Stupid American Tourist," Jack said. "How do we play that?" Ianto said. "I will be the American tourist and you will be you. I will pretend to be visiting Wales and we'll do a small skit. Okay?" "Um…alright," Ianto said while the Doctor and Rose exchange glances. "I spent quite a bit of time in America while waiting for the Doctor to come back and I love America and Americans but some Americans are idiots. I also encountered some Americans on holiday in England and this is my impression of a clueless American tourist on holiday in Wales and how they act." "Okay, go ahead," Ianto said. Jack paused a moment before lunging at Ianto. "HI!" he bellowed at Ianto. "I'M FROM AMERICA!" Ianto recoiled with a stunned look on his face. "Some Americans talk loudly," Jack explained. "Very loudly." "Okay, yeah," Ianto said. "Coulda said before you nearly gave me a heart attack but go on…" "I AM VISTING ENGLAND!" Jack bellowed while Rose and the Doctor giggled. "ENGLAND IS SO BEAUTIFUL. I LOVE YOUR COUNTRY." "Yes, it is. But you're not in England, you're in Wales," Ianto said. "WHAT?" Jack bellowed at him while Rose laughed hysterically. "I'M STILL IN ENGLAND, RIGHT? I CROSSED THIS BRIDGE THINKING THERE WAS MORE ENGLAND OVER HERE AND I FOUND THESE SIGNS WITH FUNNY WORDS ON THEM." Ianto shook with silent laughter for a moment. "Um…no, sir, you're in Wales. It's next to England, he said. "WALES? I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS! I THOUGHT I WAS IN ENGLAND! WHY DO YOU SIGNS HAVE STRANGE WORDS ON THEM? I SAW ONE WORD THAT WAS LIKE TWENTY LETTERS AND ONLY ONE A IN IT. WHAT'S WITH THAT?" "Okay, can you go back to your normal voice and we'll just pretend you're yelling? You're giving me a headache," Ianto said. "Sorry. Okay, still yelling so imagine that. Anyway…So this is Wales? Why is your country named after the big things in the water and there's all these dragons everywhere? What's up with that?" Rose was shaking as she laughed hysterically and the Doctor was shaking with silent laughter while Ianto did the same. Ianto cleared his throat. "No, spelled W-A-L-E-S, not W-H-A-L-E and the dragon is the symbol of Wales." "We have an eagle! That's our symbol." "Um…yeah, I know," Ianto said while the Doctor and Rose laughed. "I do know quite a bit about America." "What's your name? My name is Bubba." "My name is Ianto." "Huh?" Jack said. "Ianto." "How d'ya spell that?" "I-A-N-T-O." "That's Eye-an-to. You're name is Eye-an-to?" "Okay, I have to pull over before I run us off the road," Rose said, "I'm glad I went to the toilet back there." Rose pulled off the road and put the car in park while Jack continued with his roleplaying. "So, Eye-an-to, why d'ya call this part of England,Wales?" Jack said. "My name is Ianto." "No it isn't. It's Eye-an-to. That's how it's spelled," Jack said. "The I is pronounced like a Y in Welsh." "Well, what the hell d'ya do that for? If you're s'posed to pronounce it like a Y, why not use Y? Why you use an I for a Y. You English people are crazy!" Rose was bent over the steering wheel laughing and the Doctor and Jack shared a gleeful look. "And we're not England, we're Wales, it's a completely different country," Ianto said, trying to keep a straight face. "But you're attached to England," Jack said. "I was in Englandand I crossed this bridge and paid a toll and here's more England." "There are other countries besides England on this island," Ianto said with just a hint of laughter in his voice. "Really? Like what? Canada?" Jack said. Ianto burst out laughing while Jack gave him a gleeful grin. "No, Canada is above your country," Ianto said. "I know and I was sure England was right next to it," Jack said. "I was shocked when we had to take a plane here. I thought you just drove to Canada, turned right and there was England. I didn't realize water was in the way." Now the Doctor was laughing just as hysterically as Rose and Ianto was shaking with silent laughter while Jack patted him on the shoulder. "Been around a lot of these stupid Americans, Jack?" Ianto said. "More than I care to admit," Jack said. "Oh God, you need to stop because I'm about to wet myself," Rose said. "Plus, I need to get back on the motorway before the police decide to stop and find out why we're here." "Okay, I'll stop the game," Jack said. "Go ahead, Rose." "In a moment. I'm not through laughing yet," Rose said, holding up her hand. It took a good five minutes for Rose to calm down enough to get them back on the road. Once she was back on the interstate, the four of them decided to just chat for awhile as they headed for the Arizona border.
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