FIVE TIMES THE DOCTOR WEARS HOLOGRAPHIC CLOTHES

1. Nine, Jack and Rose.

It was a somewhat normal and boring day in the TARDIS.

The poor time machine apparently needed maintenance and so Rose winced on behalf of the poor girl as the Doctor bashed her repeatedly with a mallet. She had, admittedly, expected –okay hoped – that the TARDIS will retaliate, and oh boy she did.

One moment the Doctor was swearing, bashing the console, and being his usual sexy arsehole-ish self, and the next moment (after a white beam hit him) he was being a very naked sexy self while banging a mallet still.

"Nice arse," Rose complimented him.

"Thanks," he almost smiled, "You got a nice…."he trailed off as realisation set in and he immediately covered his…shall we call them Time Lord Jewels? Nah doesn't sound right, his Lordship Jewels! Now that had a ring to it! "Don't look!" he yelled, a red flush covering his cheeks and ears. "Let me get dressed!" He pressed a button and a different flash made his usual black jeans, dark jumper, and leather jacket, appear out of thin air. "Ah," he sighed, "That's better."

"Awesome!" Rose cried out excitedly. "You have a clothes gun!"

"No, no, no," he snapped, "it's a -"

Rose cannot for the life of her remember what the Doctor called it. All she knows it was some sort of hologram thing, there was a weird list thing to it, and the Doctor called her a stupid ape, again.

"Well, well," Jack purred happily, interrupting the Doctor's very rude ramblings, he had been watching some movies (well Rose hoped to God it was movies but there was far too many nudity scenes for her to really believe it was) for most of the day and had obviously been passing to get something to drink or eat when he caught a glimpse of the Doctor. He was now leaning against the doorframe like the sex god he was. "Liking the view Doc."

Rose had never seen the Doctor move so fast, like ever, as she had when he quickly added Jack to the list, and therefore hiding his nudity.

Unfortunately Rose could never get herself taken of the list…a damn shame, she liked that arse.

2. At Jackie's

Rose wasn't sure what was going on but she was certain it was the Doctor's fault.

It usually was.

They had come to visit Jackie in order for Rose to give her a birthday present and do some much needed laundry (after having a fight with the laundry monster over her favourite jeans a couple years ago she out flat refused to use the TARDIS' washing machine again) when it turned out they arrived just in time for Jackie's weekly tea party. It wasn't anything too fancy, no little finger sandwiches or posh cakes, or even fine china cups, this was the estate not Buckingham Palace, but it was a lot of store brought food and big warming mugs of tea as Jackie and her friends gossiped about everything, and they were stuck sitting there listening to it all.

Well the Doctor was stuck sitting there. There was only one seat left and he nabbed it before Rose got the chance so she, as punishment, sat herself on his lap and now he can't run off while Jackie's friends looked at them every so often and burst into cackles.

Rose shifted uncomfortably.

Not only was it difficult for her in a….well she fancied him, yeah? How comfortable would you be if you sat on the lap of the bloke you fancied? But to make things worse the Doctor's sonic screwdriver dug uncomfortably in the back of her thigh, she couldn't move at all without Jackie's friends cackling like a bunch of old witches.

"All right you lot," Jackie snapped, "what's the joke?"

"Are you daft?"

"Can't you see?"

"Are you blind hon?"

"No I am bloody well not!" Jackie bit her friends' heads off in her usual fashion. "I have better eye sight than you three put together and you know it. But I still have no idea what you lot are laughing at like a bunch of morons."

"You're girl is on a lap of a naked man and you want to know the joke?"

"WHAT?!"

Rose fell off the Doctor's lap while he pulled at his ear nervously. "Ah…I forgot I was wearing holographic clothes," he laughed nervously.

"Doctor…" Jackie said warningly.

"What do ya mean you're wearing holographic clothes?!" Rose yelped. "You only do that in emergencies! What the hell were you doing?"

"Well…" the Doctor ran a hand through his hair, boy what would Rose give to…pay attention! He's talking again! "You rather not know but I had no time to dress when you burst in demanding to see your old mum."

"Oi!" Jackie shrieked. "Who you're calling old?"

"Run Rose!"

That was obviously the wrong answer as Rose was soon dragged out of her own home, as her mother shrieked like a banshee and chased after them, throwing the cream cakes she had brought a the Doctor's head.

They ran hand in hand like usual but that did not mean she forgave him for getting her chased out of her own home.

In fact she (with the help of the TARDIS) pressed the button to turn the hologram clothes which left him cowing in embarrassment.

It was only much later at night that Rose realised that if the Doctor wasn't wearing any clothes then he didn't have his sonic screwdriver in his pocket (she had learnt in previous situations that he tended to have it hidden in somewhere she'd rather not talk about) and therefore it most certainly wasn't his sonic screwdriver press up against her leg.

She slept with a smile that night.

3. Rory, Amy, and the Bedroom Rule.

Amy was painting her toenails while her husband was showering, and the Doctor was….well doing whatever it was he does when she goes to bed. She was almost finished with her left foot when the Doctor bounced into her bedroom babbling a hundred miles per an hour.

"- Ooh!" he interrupted himself. "Painting nails! Pyjamas! Are you having a sleep over Pond? Why didn't you invite me?"

"Because I'm doing something human and girly," Amy said slowly.

"I like a good sleepover!" the Doctor said indignantly. "Painting nails, braiding each other's hair, eating lots of ice cream, and playing truth or dare. I'm good at all of those things. I've had lots of practice with all my companions!"

"Err…right," Amy said wondering for the fifth hundredth and eighty sixth time if her best friend was just a bit more than a little gay. It would explain so much. "Well jump into the PJs and I'll give you a manicure once I finish my right foot."

"All right!" the Doctor enthused.

He then clicked his fingers and all of his clothes vanishes….leaving him butt naked. It was of course then that Rory decided to walk in freshly showered and ready for their bedtime snuggle. He halted to a stop and stared at the Doctor completely horrified.

"Why are you naked?" He burst out. "In front of my wife? And in our bedroom? And when you answer these do remember that I have a very shiny and pointy sword in my wardrobe that I know how to use."

"Ah," the Doctor blushed a light pink, "would you believe that I've been wearing holographic clothes all day?"

Finding the answer completely inadequate Rory kicked the Doctor out of the bedroom, created the bedroom rule, and enforced it with an iron fist ever since.

Party pooper.

4. River, Vastra, Jenny, and Strax at Dinner.

Jenny was glad to see the Doctor and River again.

Whenever they visited it was either to save her and her unconventional family, or to make things far more exciting that usual. This time it was to help with a case, and with the bad guy caught, the dangerous alien technology destroyed, they celebrated with a heart-warming dinner.

It was then that Jenny could not help but notice there was something odd with the Doctor's and River's behaviour. They were far more physically affectionate than normal and…they were making some very odd noises. It was only when Jenny couldn't help but notice that River's hand seemed to glide up the Doctor's arm without crinkling his clothes that it sort of clicked for her.

After all it was not the first time the Doctor turned up in holographic clothes, something about the laundry monster eating all of his bowties….she really didn't understand and Vastra reassured her that she really didn't want to.

"Oh my God!" she blurted out. "You're not really wearing clothes! Are you?!"

The Doctor flushed a bright pink while River smirked. "Nothing gets past you, does it sweetie?" she purred.

Jenny flushed while Vastra shot the Doctor a very disapproving look. "I thought I told you, Doctor," Vastra said sternly, "dress appropriately when you visit. It's all well and good that we can see your clothes but what would have poor Jenny have done if she accidentally touched your naked skin? She gets so easily flustered."

Jenny proved her lover's point by squirming in her seat and looking anywhere but at her friends.

"I don't see why you puny humans are so bothered," Strax said loudly, "we Sontarans are completely naked in our armour. It is an honour to die as naked as we are born."

Even Vastra paused at that, her fork held mid-air, "How," she even looked greener than usual which was certainly an accomplishment, "charming," she finished without any conviction.

Jenny just pushed her dinner plate away, she lost her appetite.

Fortunately she wasn't the only one, even River stopped midway cutting a roast potato.

5. The Twelfth Doctor against the Enemy with Clara.

"You are abusing our trust," the electronic voice of the homicidal android Clara and the Doctor encountered grated out. This was not what Clara wanted to do on her trip. She had hope to spend it exploring the futuristic technology of spaceships. Show me some Spock, she had requested (for some reason the Doctor looked rather sad at that and she wondered how many companions have asked it over the years), instead of doing just that the Doctor accidentally landed on a spaceship of andriods heading to a war. They immediately perceived them as the enemy and the Doctor was desperately trying to convince them otherwise. Like usual. "You are using holographic technology to deceive us," the leader barked out in its robotic voice. "Turning off all holographic images."

With a flash of light all the holograms surrounding the Doctor turned off immediately.

Clara's eyes burnt as the image of her new Doctor's naked body. She had never fancied seeing the Doctor, perhaps it's because she had seen all thirteen of him and not many of them were that physically appealing, or perhaps it was because he felt more like her best mate despite her fluffy crush, and it was all just too weird, but now she really wished she never laid eyes on his naked body.

"OH MY GOD!" she screamed as she covered her eyes quickly. "WOULD IT KILL YOU, JUST ONCE, TO WEAR SOME CLOTHES FOR ONCE IN YOUR GODDAMN LIFE?!"

If androids had facial expressions, Clara would say this one looked puzzled. "Is this not normal for humans?" he asked.

"Absolutely not!" Clara said vehemently. "Now can you put the hologram back up before I bring back up my breakfast?"

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