SNOG ALL THE DOCTORS!

Chapter One

River was sitting in her cell at Stormcage reading a book. It was a slow day and River was trying to relieve the boredom. She knew she could escape at any time but even that didn't interest her so she spend the day napping, eating and trying to lose herself in a good book.

As she turned the page, her ears pricked up when she heard a familiar wheezing sound. She grinned and closed the book. Standing up, she turned and faced the bars of her prison, watching while the TARDIS fully materialized.

"My love, you read my mind," River said softly as she moved closer to the bars.

The door opened and River smiled when she saw her husband. The smile fell off her face when she noticed he looked angry.

"You don't look happy to see me, sweetie," she said to him while Amy and Rory stepped out of the TARDIS.

"I'm not," the Doctor said, stepping up to the bars.

"River, what did you do?" Amy said as she and Rory came up to the bars.

"I did nothing," River said, confused.

"Oh? Because anything you do that affects me goes into my memories. You interacted with my previous lives, didn't you?"

"Oh…that," River said, shifting nervously. "Oh come on, it was just a joke, sweetie."

"Why? What'd she do?" Amy said to the Doctor.

"Go on, tell them," the Doctor said.

"I used my vortex manipulator to visit the Doctor and say hello," River said innocently.

"Tell…them," the Doctor said.

"Oh, alright…" River said.

The Doctor folded his arms over his chest while River took a deep breath and began to explain what happened.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

"Come along," the Fifth Doctor said as he stepped out of his TARDIS.

"Where are we?" Nyssa said as she and Tegan stepped out behind him.

"Marshworld in the Denalian Galaxy," Five said, closing the door of his TARDIS. "Bit marshy, hence the name. But it can be quite scenic and it has some of the most unusual creatures known to…"

He trailed off when a strange woman came around the TARDIS. The woman was carrying a small leather-bound book in her hands. Her hair was blonde and curly and it was pulled back in a pouffy ponytail and she was wearing a white strapless dress and white stilettos. Five noticed the woman was wearing a vortex manipulator on her wrist. She studied something in the book and then looked at his face and then looked at the book and then looked at his face.

"Your photo is sexier in the Spotter's Guide," the woman finally said to him.

"I'm sorry, do I know you and what the hell is a Spotter's Guide?" Five said. "Spotter's Guide for what?"

"You, sweetie. I don't know all your faces by heart," the woman said. "My, my, you do love the youthful faces, don't you?"

"Doctor, who is she?" Tegan said as she and Nyssa came up beside him.

"I…don't know," Five said, shaking his head.

"Professor River Song, Archeologist," River said, holding out her hand to him.

"The Doctor," Five said, shaking her hand.

"Yes, I know. I have the Spotter's Guide, remember?" River said, tapping the book with her fingernail. "And who are you?" she said to his companions.

"I'm Nyssa."

"Tegan Jovanka," Tegan said. "Where did you meet the Doctor?"

"Yes, where did you meet me?" Five said.

"In the future, love."

"Wait, you're my future?" Five said, suddenly nervous.

"And your past and your present," River said smugly. "I know we've never formally met but I have a vortex manipulator and…I was a bit bored so I thought I'd go off in search of you and here you are, aren't I lucky?"

"Yeah, I'm…lucky," Five muttered, backing away when River started a seductive walk towards him. "Listen, nice to meet you but I better go back in the TARDIS and erase this meeting from my mind. Timelines and all that…"

He was cut off when River lunged at him, put her arms around him and snogged his brains out while Nyssa and Tegan watched in a stunned silence. Tegan expected her friend to resist but to her surprise, he got into it after getting over the initial shock.

"Doctor?" Tegan said, tapping him on the shoulder.

She backed up when the Five tried to swat her away while snogging River. She shot an experated look to Nyssa while Five continued to suck face with River. After three minutes, River broke off the snog and stepped back.

"Not bad, not as good as your eleventh self but passable," River said. "Well, that was wonderful, I'll see you in future, sweetie!"

"Wait!" Five said, holding out his hand to stop her while she programmed something into her manipulator.

River blew him a kiss, hit a button on her manipulator and vanished from view.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

"Doctor, this is gorgeous," Sarah Jane said while she and the Fourth Doctor stood near the edge of a cliff.

Beyond the cliff was a waterfall. The water was a soft shade of lavender and it cascaded down a sheer rock face into a river below. Mist rose up from the bottom of the waterfall and Sarah Jane could see the hint of a rainbow in it. The Doctor pointed to the purple water.

"The water is that color because of algae that lives in the water in great numbers," he said. "It is known as the Purple River because of them."

"It's amazing," Sarah Jane said.

"Yes, it is," Four said.

"Yes, it is."

Four frowned when he heard a woman's voice behind him. He turned and saw a blonde woman was leaning against the TARDIS.

"Hello, cutie," River said, waving at him while Sarah Jane turned to look at her.

"Um…hi," Four said hesitantly. "Do I know you?"

"No. But I know you," River said.

"Okay…" Four said, not sure what to say to that.

River walked up to him and fingered his multicolored scarf.

"Wow, what a long scarf," River purred, looking into the Doctor's eyes. "Is it true what they say about the length of a man's scarf?"

"I don't know. What do they say about it?" Four said, confused.

"Hmmm, a little slow on the uptake in this life," River said.

The Doctor grunted when she jerked on the scarf and got close to his face.

"Excuse me, we're busy," Sarah Jane said, incensed at this interloper.

"Look, waterfall, stare at it," River said to Sarah Jane, pointing over the Doctor's shoulder while she continued to stare into his eyes.

"Look, I don't know who you are but this is really bad form. I…"

River pulled on the scarf and locked lips with him while Sarah Jane stared at them in shock. Four resisted for a moment and then wrapped his arms around her while he succumbed to her charms.

"Hey! Get off him!" Sarah Jane said, trying to pull River away.

River pulled back and sighed angrily.

"I see I have competition this time around," she said to the stunned Doctor. "Eh, you weren't that good anyway and the scarf looks ridiculous. I'll leave you and strumpet to your waterfall."

"Strumpet? I'm not the one that grabbed the Doctor and…"

Sarah Jane fell silent when River quickly punched in coordinates on her manipulator and vanished from sight. Sarah Jane looked at the Doctor who was still a bit stunned. He glanced at Sarah Jane and coughed nervously.

"Right, now about that waterfall," he said quickly, turning around while Sarah Jane glared at him.

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