BYKER: "I have a report here on life on the planet below, sir."

PITARD: "Yes? What of the intelligent life form, whose messages we've been intercepting?"

BYKER: "They seem not to be intelligent after all, sir."

PITARD: "How can that be? Some of their transmissions seemed to be formed by beings of higher intellect."

BYKER: "They're often violent towards each other, frequently live surrounded by their own waste products, and give lots of opinions without actually knowing anything. Also, sir, I and my team have observed that these people seem to prefer watching staged reality being peformed as entertainment, by people with very low I.Q's and social skills, over actually going out and living their own lives to their fullest potential."

PITARD: "Oh, I see. That doesn't bode well for their inclusion into the United Association of Planets and and Insurance Agency. What other findings have you made, commander?"

BIKER: "Their body structure seems to be composed of fat, sir."

PITARD: "What?"

BYKER: "Even though they are the highest life form on the planet, they also seem to be mostly made of water and fat."

PITARD: "How can they be made of water and fat and still be able to send radio waves out here into space?"

BYKER: "I can't say, sir, but we've tested some of them, and they seem to be made of entiely of blubber."

PITARD: "What? All of them?"

BYKER: "No, there are some who seem to be mostly skin and solid bone, sir. They're called 'super-models.'"

PITARD: "And what purpose do they serve?"

BYKER: "Nothing. Their only fuction seems to be to stand around and look miserable, while people who are only very marginally made of fat, try to imitate them"

PITARD: "And, what other findings do you have on this life form?"

BYKER: "They sit around a lot, staring into flickering images on square screens, doing nothing."

PITARD: "But, how do they manage to communicate with each other?"

BYKER: "They have these little square devices, which they talk or write to each other with. Unfortunately, we haven't been able to decipher the writing, as yet. We think it's called, 'texting.'"

PITARD: "Have your scientists been able to discover how these devices work so we can make one, enabling us to communicate with these creatures?"

BYKER: "Yes, but I don't advise we use it. Our scientists have determined that the device causes a fatal disease called cancer, which effects the brain fuction."

PITARD: "Do these creatures know about this?"

BYKER: "We believe at least some of them may, yes sir. I'm afraid they're not the most clever beings in the old outer space tool kit.

PITARD: "Ey---? I mean, I beg your pardon?"

BYKER: "let me put it this way, sir: With these people, their launching bay doors are open, but the launching bay is empty."

PITARD: "Right then, in other words, Byker, they are too stupid for us to bother with."

BYKER: "But wait, sir. They do have one redeeming quality."

PITARD: "What's that?"

BYKER: "They have something called 'junk food.' I had an item called a 'Big Mac.' It was quite delicious, sir."

PITARD: "Right, beam up some of this junk food, we'll program it into our replicators, break for dinner, and disintigrate the planet, later."

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